Dear members of the FBI,
I’m not sure if you received my last (deleted) message about a sure fire-way to combat terrorism, but on Sunday I stumbled upon another brilliant method you could employ.
Force the terrorists to spend 8 hours in the sun (94 degrees mind you) at an all-day field hockey tournament. THEN, at 4:30 in the afternoon, have them walk into the only air-conditioned building next to the field where numerous teams have decided to rest- after taking off their SHOES AND SOCKS that they’ve worn since 7:00 that morning.
They’ll be dead on the floor in 30 seconds. Guaranteed.
Jesus my eyes are still watering.
Last night I was sitting on the couch, watching TV with Old Dog, and I smelled that EXACT SAME SMEll?
ReplyDelete"Did you step in dog shit?" I asked.
He grinned.
"Nope. Just took off my boots."
That's not just an odor, it's an OH-DEAR!
That would probably be classified as torture by congress.
ReplyDeleteYou could cut the time considerably and just force them to spend half an hour in my 14-year-old son's bedroom. They'd get the same effect.
ReplyDeleteYup.
I am pretty sure that is worse than waterboarding.
ReplyDeleteThis is the spring of 2 year old birthdays parties in our house - not so fun.
ReplyDeleteWelcome back.
Hose 'em down with martini spray. No? OK. Just sayin'....
ReplyDeleteDidn't we do that to Manuel Noriega?
ReplyDeleteAnd I thought a classroom full of funky third graders after recess on a 90 degree day was bad!
ReplyDeleteThat just might work!
ReplyDeleteYAY! I am so happy you are back.. it wasn't the same without you.
ReplyDeleteI just gagged at the thought of the scene you just described.. and I agree.. it would be an EXCELLENT torture method
That would do it!
ReplyDeleteExcellent idea! And if the kids are teenagers, then add a large dash of underarm odour and rooting-tooting farts to the mixture.
ReplyDeleteThen stand well back - e.g. in another state.
That's actually a really good idea. I think Muslims was their feet when they pray 5 times a day, so a roomful of bad foot odor would make them think they were actually in hell. Sweet.
ReplyDeleteOf course, this is only effective against your Muslim jihadists. Other flavors of terrorist, such as the Patriotic Redneck Militants like Timothy McVeigh, would just be reminded of their trailers and feel slightly homesick.
The Imelda Marcos Effect?
ReplyDeleteDi
The Blue Ridge Gal
Ewwwww!!!!
ReplyDeleteCruel and unusual punishment.
I can smell it now. . .
ReplyDeleteI can add another smell: Teaching teenagers who come to your small classroom after PE, lunch & recess AND before they have learned about something called deodorant!
ReplyDeleteI've always thought forcing them to generate electricity from giant hamster wheels was a just and environmentally friendly punishment!
ReplyDeleteI don't know why the FBI doesn't ask more moms for help. We certainly know a whole host of things that would bring evil people to their knees.
ReplyDeleteNumber one would be your example.
Number 2 would be fish clothes that have been worn and worked in for 3 days straight (and the boots too).
Seeing you post 2 days in a row again is making me giddy!
My ex could clear a room by removing his shoes. Another reason I'm glad he's gone! Unfortunately, my daughter inherited that trait from him.
ReplyDeleteYahooooo! You're back!
ReplyDeleteGirl, you're cracking me up this morning.
Love ya, heifer!!
I know the "smell" too well...you had me rolling on the floor!!! my husband is a landscaper and wore boots in the summer heat...one night while lying in bed I asked him if he smelled something...he said yeah. After a 5 min search of the bedroom..... we found the culprit...HIS BOOTS!!!!!
ReplyDeleteHappy Tuesday!!!
I've experienced that same smell near the ball pit at Chuck E Cheese. Yuck.
ReplyDeleteWelcome back!
I would just put someone in the same room with my roommate for six minutes. Especially after he's been drinking. Some people just shouldn't drink.
ReplyDeleteYou and I are not those people.
Da Goddess
dagoddess.com
It will never work, VM. Have you ever spent time in an Al-Qaida training camp barracks? Holy Cow...The stench!! Oh Dear God (or Allah) THE STENCH. They'd be immune to your sweaty foot method. Cheers!!
ReplyDeleteHoly moly it's that hot already? Wait, where do you live again? Obviously not by me with our 60-70 weather lately (GORGEOUS! Even the drizzles are lovely!)
ReplyDeleteHope today's a good day for you...
If the terrorists would be immune to the smell as Matt-Man says, then put on "the devil's music" as the kids are relaxing.
ReplyDeleteThe ol' stinky feet torture chamber. Yep, that should do it.
ReplyDeleteI'm gagging just thinking about that. ewww...
ReplyDeleteI was just thinking about that this morning (kind of). I've started putting my kids in sandals (no socks of course) and should expect to stinky feet smell to invade my car and house in about a month. It doesn't go away until late September (or maybe the first frost...)
ReplyDeleteYou just made my day - I am actually teary eyed!
ReplyDeleteThanks for coming back to share your view and your voice with us!
I would endure it to get you back. And here you are!!
ReplyDeleteMy day is complete. Luckily without having to deal with the stinky feet!
hahaha!!! That sounds disgusting!
ReplyDeleteafter all that love I showed to you ... You go and ruin my morning coffee with that hideous smelly part... (why did or would I think you would come back "lovey")
ReplyDeleteI know one person that could put an entire gym full...to shame... I can smell him a mile away...
wonderful though to wake up and see a post from you :-)
Hi. Nice to see you VM. Can we assume (hope, pray, thank our lucky stars) your sabbatical is over?
ReplyDeleteNot much of a vacay for you, but all the better for us, your faithful followers.
Hey, that's an awesome idea. Probably very cost conscience too:)
ReplyDeleteHope all is well, Deb.
I want to know who authorized that tournament, who opened that gym to those children and who allowed them to take off their shoes. You should expect a "truth commission" visit before the end of the week, so get your story straight.
ReplyDeleteSincerely, Eric Holder
That would certainly do it.
ReplyDeletewhen my son was a teenager we made him put his shoes outside at night they were so bad. there were no odor eaters for that boy! he needed an ODOR eater!
ReplyDeletesmiles, bee
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
did i tell you i'm glad you're back? i am. ps
Ahahahahaha! I made my husband go buy some new socks, some Odor Eaters and foot spray...it was getting baaaad!
ReplyDeleteTht was so well put that my eyes are watering too.
ReplyDeleteBTW I do hope you put those deleted posts in a folder so you could put them in a book someday....
When my son was in wrestling, the practice gym had the stench you described. I still get choked up at the thought of it 10 years later.
ReplyDeleteOh and you forgot to mention the Shin guards they are just as nasty! How can such pretty girls smell so bad!!
ReplyDeleteI'm sure the State Dept. will be in touch shortly.
ReplyDeleteBwahahahahaha. Sounds like cruel and unusual punishment to me. I'll pass thank you very much.
ReplyDeleteHave a terrific day. :)
OH this is perfect.. accurate and of course it would be considered inhumane to the terrorists...
ReplyDeleteWe as moms of course well...
thank you for sharing
I'm SO glad you are back! Stand tall and proud and pat yourself on the back!
ReplyDeleteTake care, Sue
I'm so glad I have girls - hopefully, I'll be spared this experience :)
ReplyDeleteThe conditions you describe are very familiar to us who live in the desert. Um, yeah...
ReplyDeleteYou're back, you're back!
ReplyDeleteI'm so happy, made my day to see you in my reader. Don't scare us like that again!
xoxo
Great! And welcome back.
ReplyDeleteDude . . . just the thought of it . . . though believe it or not I bet it couldn't rival the smell of our 6 year old's sweet pink pinkies . . . even after the bath!
ReplyDeleteMy method is to have 6 water polo players to get into a closed car on an 80 degree day. I'm sure my lungs are truly suffering.
ReplyDeleteBrought back memories of the roller skating rink.......
ReplyDeleteI needed to sterilize my children after an afternoon there..........
Yet one more reason I don't miss having had children. On my list that will be #957.
ReplyDeleteYesss...The Grand Funk Torture not to be conused with The Grand Funk Railroad...no The Grand Funk Torture is some kind of horrible.
ReplyDeleteFight on, VM!
Peace - Rene
Precisely why I don't play with boys.
ReplyDeleteThey stink.
Geez, you didn't go away and delete everything because the band concert comment offended someone, did you? Don't worry about offending people. The world is full of pansies that are too sensitive anyhow. These are your thoughts (and they are funny) so share away...they don't have to read them. And besides, anyone who has had to sit through a band concert KNOWS it would kill a terrorist! Glad to see you are back to being witty.
ReplyDeletehahahahahhahaaa!!
ReplyDeletei love the picture of the baby smelling her feet.
why do teenager smell SO BAD??!!!
I'm really looking forward to my boys getting to that stage.
ReplyDeleteLike nasal napalm.
ReplyDeleteA good idea! Are you going into Counter Terrorism now, with all your experience of handling Teen Terrorists, VKMom?!
ReplyDeleteLove the Sassy/Bitchy picture - How did you get one of them to stand still long enough to capture that?
Love to you, dahlink - We love you, we missed you, we are sending you love and hugs through the Ethernet - I hope you feel the vibes and smell the *Vodka Rub* TM Fumes! xxx
Hope the worst is over soon..keep holding your nose..if it smells like shit..looks like shit..then it might be SHIT!
ReplyDeleteGreat advice on Terrorist tactics..I am sure you would make a great advisor! :)
EWWWWWW!
ReplyDeleteyou could just encourage them to fart.. often they wouldn't even need the encouragement!
ReplyDeleteOMG, I so know! My daughter's feet smell like the feet of a 40yr old truck driver when she takes her shoes off and didn't wear socks like we told her too a million times - yuck!
ReplyDeleteHmmm...very effective I think.
ReplyDeleteOh what a grody and wonderful idea. I'll loan my oldest to the cause...his shoes smell like cat piss. WTF?
ReplyDeleteBwahahahahahahahaha!
ReplyDeleteCrude chemical warefare indeed!!
Haha! And I suppose none of the kids felt the whiff of stink around them! :)
ReplyDeleteAnd she's back ...
ReplyDelete*big sigh of satisfaction*
Glad to see you back! I assure you as Mother of 2 in service for our country..it just don't work. I know it works at home but somehow our Powers That Be just have a nose for politics....I don't know. Bless your heart...yes I am southern...you do deserve a day off.
ReplyDeleteYou're back! It has been such an emotional rollercoaster of a week with your blog.
ReplyDeletePlease don't do this to me again. I do not think that my fragile heart can take much more.
-Francesca
get that lady some eye drops STAT!
ReplyDeleteGag! LOL!
ReplyDeleteI am so glad you are back! I have two young girls and love reading about surviving with two older girls. Welcome back!
ReplyDeleteHahahahaha! Even my sweet babies have stinky feet on hot days. You must REALLY love your job!
ReplyDeleteBetter yet, ship the shoes to me at work, then I'll wait until the hottest day of the summer when the rendering plant down the street starts up (no, I'm not kidding), THEN unbox the shoes and ship in the terrorists.
ReplyDeleteCan I just say there are days I hate my job...?
I KNEW you were brilliant!!! You should be a teacher! Give up the lounge singing. You ARE a lounge singer, right?
ReplyDeleteOh my gosh -- I'm so glad my computers were out and I couldn't check in on my blogging friends at the same time you were out of commission, too. That was too close! So sorry for the recent unpleasantness but glad to see that it hasn't gotten you down.
ReplyDeleteYech! I think just sticking them in a classroom in the late afternoon on a hot day would do it to them!
ReplyDeleteI am sending you love honey and you are a damn good teacher. It is clear in all of your writing.
ReplyDelete