12/11/09

Tell it like it is, people.


This is another old Christmas newsletter. I am TRYING to find the time to write THIS year's!
Perhaps after happy hour tonight I'll be inspired...

Enjoy....


Jesus, another year has come and gone and I CAN’T believe I’m still here. I’d like to thank God, but after all the practical jokes he has been playing on me lately, I’m afraid I’ve been avoiding him. Let’s see if I can give you a quick recap of our year.

Bitchy is living at Oregon State, and assures us that she had nothing to do with the small explosion and subsequent fire at the Chemistry Lab. We keep reassuring her that if the chemistry thing doesn’t work out, we can always find a spot at Smythe Beauty School. She finally believes that I am NOT stalking her, and claims that she is, in fact, doing all her homework. Sassyis 16, and I’m trying to think of something good to say about that. We are proud that she is doing well in field hockey, and we are happy that Golden Boy has finally learned not to provoke his sister while she is holding her stick. (It took him several altercations to finally learn THAT lesson.) We DO love her, and know that someday we’ll be able to tell her that without it resulting in a fight.

The Golden Boy has refused to stop growing, and has finally put to good use all of those tapping skills by playing drums in the orchestra. I’ve discovered these things about boys: They stink, they take ALL kinds of stuff apart; they break everything in sight, and they are very, very loud. However, they still treat their moms like gold, and if I had known that, I NEVER would have had that hysterectomy and would have tried for 10 more boys. (not really.)

I’m driving Tightwad crazy with the craziness of the season, and he has been sneaking off to camp. I’ve decided that the secret to a successful marriage is to make SURE that your husband has a camp to go to, and that you hide that credit card bill after those trips. It’s a win-win situation.

All in all we are thankful for each other - our wonderful, crazy lives, and wish you all peace and love this holiday season.

(Another letter is posted here. And now, I'm off to try to find the BRIGHT side of all of this madness. I'm sure I will. )

34 comments:

  1. ScopeDecember 11, 2009 at 8:28 AM

    I actually did a Christmas letter for the first time this year.

    And of course, I did it as a blog, totally isolated from the "Scope-Tech" blog, and then just included a slip of paper with the URL in my Christmas cards.

    (And that way, I can use Google Analytics to see who actually read it!)

    Hoping for a Christmas miracle for you.

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  2. mo.stoneskinDecember 11, 2009 at 8:35 AM

    Presumably the lesson that will appear in next Christmas's newsletter will be not to mention credit card bill in newsletter?

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  3. Boozy ToothDecember 11, 2009 at 9:14 AM

    Brilliant letter.

    My "perfect" daughter made me want to commit homicide AND suicide during her 16th and 17th year. But now that she's 19 and the snakes that were growing out of her head have receded... all is well.

    She really is perfect now. Hang on VM. Sassy will get there too.

    ♥ and Merry Christmas from Casa Hice!

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  4. Hollywood Farm FilmsDecember 11, 2009 at 9:20 AM

    Oh darn...now I have to write a letter! BRAVO VODKA MOM!

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  5. Julie DDecember 11, 2009 at 9:24 AM

    Hahahahaha...love it! Reminds me of my recent letter to Santa....

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  6. JoanieDecember 11, 2009 at 10:13 AM

    I'm still waiting for my youngest to be civil again. She'll be 19 on Dec 26. At least the 2 older ones are tamed.

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  7. mepsipaxDecember 11, 2009 at 10:25 AM

    MMM mayhaps I will write a Xmas letter. Ah children, gotta love em.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Brian MillerDecember 11, 2009 at 10:43 AM

    i used to make fun of christmas letters...then i started blogging and figure i write one pretty much every day. always zany!

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  9. Melissa B.December 11, 2009 at 10:52 AM

    I'd just LOVE to be on your Christmas mailing list, galfriend. Seriously!

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  10. Vodka LogicDecember 11, 2009 at 11:35 AM

    I have a 15 yo daughter who is kinda smelly... really.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Together We SaveDecember 11, 2009 at 11:53 AM

    I need to write a letter too!!

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  12. MalisaDecember 11, 2009 at 11:58 AM

    I SO love your Christmas letters! When I receive those "normal" Christmas letters in the mail, I just want to puke! Please, people! You don't have to convince us that your family is perfect...we know the real them! All you have convinced us of is that you can write fiction! I would be a happy woman if I received Christmas letters like yours, girlfriend!

    Malisa

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  13. AnonymousDecember 11, 2009 at 12:09 PM

    ah ha...happy hour, thats what ive needed all along to help me get inspired to write my christmas letter...lol

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  14. SkylersDadDecember 11, 2009 at 12:12 PM

    We are very behind this year, still working on a card. When I have it complete, I will post to share with all my online friends.

    ReplyDelete
  15. LucyCooperDecember 11, 2009 at 12:54 PM

    PERFECT description of life with sons. and life with a tightwad.

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  16. TexasRedDecember 11, 2009 at 1:13 PM

    Still haven't done a Christmas letter. We just send the cards with a "merry christmas" inside and call it good.

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  17. Angie LedbetterDecember 11, 2009 at 2:22 PM

    I'd write a tell-it-true holiday family newsletter too, but I'm afraid someone would notify CPS and they'd come get me...hey...I really DO need a vacation, so this might not be such a bad idea! Thanks. :)

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  18. BarrieDecember 11, 2009 at 2:29 PM

    That is one of the best Christmas letters I have ever read!!

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  19. CoraDecember 11, 2009 at 4:20 PM

    Dang. My Christmas letter reads like CRAP now. That was AWESOME!!

    *pouting*

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  20. MrsBlogAlotDecember 11, 2009 at 4:38 PM

    I loved that letter!!!! Luckily I get out of writing a Christmas letter this year...Jewish (-:...but I WAS wondering what that smell was. Will it get worse? Betcha he inherited it from my husband! Boys!

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  21. GigiDecember 11, 2009 at 4:54 PM

    I would be thrilled to receive a Christmas letter like that!!

    ReplyDelete
  22. GigiDecember 11, 2009 at 4:54 PM

    I would be thrilled to receive a Christmas letter like that!!

    ReplyDelete
  23. AnonymousDecember 11, 2009 at 8:09 PM

    I never open the mail when he's around until I go through it first, why fight about the bills if we can pay them? Keep them happy, and keep charging, Yeah!

    ReplyDelete
  24. MikeDecember 11, 2009 at 9:17 PM

    Well, being that I am Santa, I better get to work on that letter! lol

    ReplyDelete
  25. Joanna JenkinsDecember 11, 2009 at 10:30 PM

    I could never top this Christmas letter so I'm using that as an excuse not to do one :-)
    xo

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  26. Captain DumbassDecember 12, 2009 at 2:07 AM

    Oh right... they're going to get stinky too, aren't they. Great.

    ReplyDelete
  27. The Good CookDecember 12, 2009 at 9:32 AM

    Our 17 year old just got her acceptance letter to her first choice college.. I can't wait to get rid of her... I mean wow, we are so proud... I'm thinking we will be so much closer when she doesn't live here all year... that's just the way of girls (I keep telling myself).. I have three boys and you are right, no matter how old they get, they treat their mom's like gold.. I think that has to do with how they see their father's treating us.. don't you thnk?

    ReplyDelete
  28. Far Side of FiftyDecember 12, 2009 at 11:39 PM

    Yours is good... I need one too..could you re write it without the kids..about old people and a dog:)

    ReplyDelete
  29. JasonDecember 12, 2009 at 11:41 PM

    This is a great site you have here. I just found it from a friend's page. I have a humor blog as well and I'd like to exchange links with you. This will spread some traffic around between us. Let me know if this is cool.

    Jason
    HilariousHeadlines TALK

    ReplyDelete
  30. GabrielDecember 13, 2009 at 6:47 AM

    Great stuff vodkamom. This posts are like a glimpse into my future. Our first is just seven months and we have already noted with horror how many family members want to spend christmas with him. Weirdly, we still want more kids. Keep up the good work

    ReplyDelete
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Come on people, make me laugh. I dare ya.