It appears that this holiday season has again, unfortunately, provided me with some “I didn’t know it was a contest” winners. Drumroll, please…
1. Who won the “most ungrateful brat on these continental United States” title on Christmas morning?” Sassy. Hands-down. (I don’t think you want the details. Moms of teen girls- you know exactly what I mean.)
2. Who provoked mom to call someone a *&^ing *&@^# on the day AFTER Christmas? Bitchy. (When Golden Boy finally realizes he’s TWICE her weight and four inches taller than she is and can basically squash her like a BUG-she better run.)
3. Who persuaded mom to run away from home for two days without even a HINT of guilt? That’s a toss up. I’d say it was a three-way tie. (A three way screaming like BANSHEES tie.)
4. Who ruined the “run away in the middle of the night” vacation that mom planned the day after Christmas? Tightwad. (Thanks, Dr. Smythe, for scheduling his BIG TOE surgery for today. Frankly, I could have performed it myself with my new “ladies Swiss Army Knife” that he so thoughtfully gave me for Christmas. You’d think after 20 years I’d learn that I’m NOT getting anything REMOTELY related to the jewelry family.)
5. Who finally saved mom from committing hari-kari over the last five days? The Nikolai vodka company. (I am still convinced I’d be their best sponsor idea YET.)
Here’s the gift I’m cuddling up with tonight. (And for next gazillion nights, I’m thinking.) Five Gazillion pages of delicious Stephen.
He’s the “best gift this year” winner. I might have to deliver his award in person. (And I would, if he didn't have that silly little restraining order.)
I agree. I'm seriously thinking about taking a cruise or some vacation to a far away destination, and leave all the complainers and un-festive folks at home.
ReplyDeleteThis mom of pre-teen girls (twins, ack, who invented that beast?) knows exactly what you mean.
ReplyDeleteOk, so where in Mexico are we going?
nice. still waiting my turn at the library on that one...though i did get his "sunset" short story book for christmas...really good.
ReplyDeleteso it sounds like you had a marvelous holiday...smiles.
Too bad that book is so short... (hee hee).
ReplyDeleteI think we really need to get on this whole sponsor idea. They'd make a mint off of you!
ReplyDeleteyou really could have been writing this about our home. I have the young kids banchee screaming. Thank god for uv vodka
ReplyDeleteHilarious post (love the last line). Still wiping my eyes from Mrs Hughes and now I have this to contend with. My mascara is being put to the test today, that's for sure.
ReplyDeleteAhhh, I remember those wonderful Christmas mornings! Oh, my dear, enjoy this while you can..... then move far enough away from your grown children so that you can spend the day in peaceful oblivion after the calls to hear them tell you how bad their teenagers are being. Makes all the suffering pay off, hearing the angst in their tired voices. Make sure to make appropriate soothing sounds as you chuckle knowingly under your breath. Sigh deeply and control the laughter until you actually hang up the phone. Alas, my house is too small to host a big old fashioned family Christmas......
ReplyDeletewho made me laugh the hardest this yr...drum roll please....Vodkamom..lol
ReplyDeleteway funny,,,I agree, I want an island and vodka all to myself for at least a month....
i just started reading that today, too!!
ReplyDeleteI have taken a few vacations by myself.. met up with girlfriends but no husband or kids...&^%%) fantastic
ReplyDeleteI read that jewelry family part as family jewels. It was pretty damn funny.
ReplyDeleteIf it means anything to you, in my book you get the "BEST MOM IN THE WORLD FOR NOT TROWING THEM ALL OUT." award.
ReplyDeleteI bought that book for Hubby a few weeks back and he reads a little bit each night before falling asleep.. He said it's a great book.
ReplyDeleteDi
The Blue Ridge Gal
We had three days of vodka...bliss (don't remember anything the kids did and I don't care tee hee.
ReplyDeleteThis is your chance...organize the cruise and we will all sign up to go and you will get your trip paid for by the cruise line. How about that for an idea! We all need to escape the insanity called family at Christmas! Every year, I say "never again".
ReplyDeleteMalisa
Amen. Is there a cruise ship big enough to hold all the mothers of teenagers?
ReplyDeleteWhere are we gonna stay in Mexico?? LOL!
ReplyDeleteI ALMOST picked up the Stephen King book the other day, but I was a doubter. I admit it. The length made me think for a moment that no story could possibly be told in that many pages without someone having to cut me down from a noose in the closet. Please tell me if I'm wrong.
ReplyDeleteSorry it was a little easier for you guys. I had tears with my eldest, too. Tears over his ingratitude when he wanted to return all of his gifts and then I almost laughed when I informed him that they were all from a resale or from reviews so HA. You can't return them, kid. But he was happy for the grandparents, so at least I wasn't embarrassed in public. Yay...
ReplyDeleteAre you one of those moms that loves going BACK to work after a holiday? Just to get away from the family? LOL.
ReplyDeleteWe skipped Christmas due to the blizzard. I liked it.. I'm all in for a cruise for Christmas next year.
ReplyDeleteI so want to go away for Christmas next year.
ReplyDeleteWhat's Captain Stubing's number? I may have to book us passage on a slow boat to heaven. On a sea of vodka.
ReplyDeleteGreat idea! Call Captain Stubing and book a cruise for you and all your followers. I'll bring the vodka. Just don't mix it with any Kool-Aid, if you know what I mean.
ReplyDeleteif you run away to Mexico, I'll meet you there and get plastered with you!
ReplyDeleteI'm in Yucatan, Mexico! You can always hide here in my little humble house! Or I'll hide you somewhere in the mayan pyramid Chichen Itza! :D
ReplyDeleteThe Mayan Riviera is beautiful this time of year. Not hot, not cold, not near your children. I'd recommend it!
ReplyDeleteYou could try "scheduling" a planned disappearance for a few days. Let them all see what it's like without you around...
ReplyDeleteSecretia
..as soon as I saw the ladies swiss army knife pop up on reader..I was LMAO.....my sentiments exactly...with a few minor changes...such as older teens..hubby acts like two sometimes..and on and on...oh and I substituted Tequila for Vodka..all in all the "merriness"..needs a boost for next year..LOL..!!
ReplyDeleteLOL-two teenage girls here. And one has been away at college for 3 months. I pictured this wonderful, peaceful holiday since we hadn't been together in so long-wrong. I threatened the day before Christmas Eve that this was last @*$!ing holiday and there would be @*$!ing tree next year or cookies or gifts. They would get a check. My solution and saving grace? 12 bottles of wine for the 12 days I was off. Pretty much my own version of "The Twelve Days of Christmas"....on the first day of Christmas my winerack gave to me a Riesling from Germany......
ReplyDeleteAwww...so much for the afterglow :)
ReplyDeleteTime for the airing of the grievances...
On the way home from NJ we stopped off at Denny's for dinner, the hands down topic at every table was, you guessed it...
and in that little restaurant, a miracle occurred, strangers talked to one another, frowns were turned to laughter and everyone bonded over a common thread...who's family was the biggest freakshow, ugliest gift, oldest regift ( I think the Cie cologne giftset was the winner...The recipient said Candice Bergen looked about 35 on the packaging) and we all agreed it was good to be going home
Peace ~ Rene
I now understand why my mom always threatens me and Lindy at the end of all her visits with "I'M NOT COMING BACK NEXT YEAR."
ReplyDeleteFor the last 12 years we've just replied, "FINE BY US."
So glad you got Stephen woman.
ReplyDeleteLet's send our kids into some kind of mini peace core type thing next year. And if none exits, let's start one for ungrateful teens.
Believe me when I tell you that I UNDERSTAND! I'll meet you in Mexico! Sounds great!
ReplyDeleteCan I come to Mexico with you? I won't say a word and we can both just enjoy the silence...and margaritas.
ReplyDeleteStephen is about a half hour from me...I'll hook you up. Most days you can find him walking down the street with a book in his hand waving at the cars that pass by him.
ReplyDeleteAn escapist cruise could turn into a "Stella got her groove back" for me! Bring it on. I will sign up!
ReplyDeleteI toast you with my dirty martini!
Next time, run South. I'll get your room ready. Just think of the trouble we could get into.
ReplyDeleteHilarious!
ReplyDeleteA ladies Swiss Army Knife?!?!?! Did your husband like to tell the story! That's worse than a vacuum cleaner. Oy!
ReplyDeleteHang in there.
xo
Can I come? I'm very quiet, I'll pay my own way and I am good at refilling vodka glasses.
ReplyDeleteHilarious! Or then.. maybe not...
ReplyDeleteAww, Vodsy, you, me and Stevie and a bottle of Nikolai, I couldn't think of a better recipe to warm my toes and heart right now.
ReplyDeleteWell ok...maybe some fruit mince pies and hot custard and whipped cream floating in brandy ohmygod what TIME???!??!?!?!?
Do you live somewhere with snow? If so you could use that book for weight in the backend of your car when you're not using it! :)
ReplyDeletethanks for the laugh-there are times I say the same about my oldest-luckily she was happy on Christmas with her phone
ReplyDeleteI've heard restraining orders can really cramp one's style.
ReplyDeleteAlthough, stalking Stephen King might become the theme of his future book and you two may become great friends because you were the inspiration.
I absolutely love the names you have for your offspring. Bitchy and Sassy. My mom would probably call me SassyBitch, but thankfully, she doesn't know how blogging works. And, she doesn't appreciate the "tone" of my blog.
ReplyDelete"Christmas Vacation" has nothing on you! I feel the screen play coming on! : )
ReplyDeleteOh you definitely need a solo vacation and I would think anywhere would do as long as it's adults only. And with Stephen's latest and a couple bottles of vodka, you'd never go wrong.
ReplyDeleteIf vodka can sponsor you, maybe Beringer will sponsor me?
ReplyDeleteWe had a nice Christmas, now everyone is sick. I think I'll be needing that trip to Mexico by the end of the week. Let me know where and when to meet you.
You know, Mexico doesn't sound too bad! Its GOT to be warmer than I am...here in FLORIDA! Kids will drive you crazier than you already are...its a good thing they're cute...just sayin'
ReplyDeleteTightwad didn't give you anything in the jewelry family, but you should feel lucky that he didn't wrap up the Family Jewels to give to you.
ReplyDeleteQuite a Christmas! Hope you enjoy stabbing your family with the new knife..
ReplyDeleteThis is the best Christmas post yet - came in from Secretia's site. Love this!!!!!
ReplyDeleteDAMMIT!
ReplyDeletei won nothing.
again.
I think TW was very brave to give you a knife as a non-jewelry item...
ReplyDeleteIf it weren't for the homemade Bailey's that MathMan whipped up, the holidays would have been much less fun. And far more homicidal.
ReplyDeleteYet another reason why I am so thankful we only had one child and NO girls!!! Have to say he was the easiest kid, especially at the holidays!! Also another reason why we do Christmas so simple!!
ReplyDeleteI think you win the prize for needing a solo get away!!
"Vacationing with Vodka Mom" -- like one of those celebrity cruises!
ReplyDeleteHey, don't you think it's time for equal opportunity stalking?
ReplyDeleteConsidering what you've been through, it's only fair.
Watch out Mr. King.
Oh, that's exactly what I want to do, curl up with a good book.
ReplyDeleteI'll totally slap Sassy for you. I had a surprisingly "gimmee" Younger this year too. That's not usually her.
ReplyDeleteMmm, mmm. Yum, yum. "Under the Dome" in a great big tub with a glass of wine might even beat Mexico! Aloha!
ReplyDeleteAw, come see us! You'll feel right at home.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteTake me...Take me!! I am a heck of a lot of fun in mexico!!
ReplyDeleteWe are considering Vegas next year.
ReplyDeleteOoh, a Swiss Army Knife - The bottle opener always comes in very handy when travelling - And that implement that enables you to get things out of horses' or deers' hooves! x
ReplyDeleteHey, like your blog.
ReplyDeleteI'll be back!