Things I'm pretty sure normal people don't say...

I spent a few minutes after school today slumped in the rocking chair beside the whiteboard that I fully intended to clean.  I was exhausted, as are most kindergarten teachers at the end of the FULL MOON day.  (You can’t tell me that children don’t morph on days when there is a full moon.  Teachers KNOW.  Shouldn’t some scientist out there be interviewing us?) 

I started thinking about what “real” people do during the day, and the things that they say while on the job; the people who aren’t lucky enough to be shaping young minds and hearts.

They probably say things like,  “Nurse, scalpel!”

And, “Trade the stock!  Trade it now!”

Or even, “Your honor, I object!”

Somehow I can’t picture an investment banker looking at a client and saying in a firm voice,  “How many times have I asked you not to pick your nose?”

And try as I might, I can’t imagine any lawyer friends of mine saying to a client, “No, I don’t have crabs” while shuffling through stencils.

And if you were a loan officer and you were looking at numbers and number words, are you likely to say, “No, it’s the other F word” when trying to decide between four and five?

And call me crazy, but I can’t picture Judge Smith saying to the jury, “If I see anyone sniffing their markers, you’re all using crayons.”

 I find myself laughing and shaking my head after I’ve said funny things to the children in my class.  

You know what I said today?   You want to know ALL THE THINGS I said at work recently?  Here’s what my tired, old brain remembers: 

“I said no getting married, no kissing and no hugging in school. NO HUGGING!”
“No, Joe, do not make Batman masks out of the Play-Doh. I admire your creativity, but I can see where this is going.“
“Michael, please get the dinosaur out of your pants.”
“Our fingers do not go in our noses, or in our pants or on your neighbors.”
“Susie, worms are NOT pets.  Please take them out of your pockets and return them outside.”
“Joe, please get the Play-Doh off your head, please. “
“James, we do NOT talk about C-4, dynamite, or any other kind of “flosives” in reading groups-or any other time during our day in kindergarten. Got it?”

“Helen!  HELEN!!! Do NOT eat the chicken leg in the play kitchen. They are plastic, ten-years old and very used!”

“Rachel, were you sniffing the scented markers again?   Yes, I think maybe you were.  Then, why is your nose purple, red, brown and green?”

“Joe, no more Play-Doh for you!  For at least a week!”  (Mrs. Jones, did he really put that in his pants?)

“George, I said tentacle.   TENTACLE.”  

“David – do NOT crawl under the table and eat those brownie crumbs!  Stop it! There is no ten-second rule when the floor is FILTHY.”
“People, I am begging you, please, please, PLEASE do NOT put your fingers in your noses.  We have five billion boxes of tissues in this room that NO ONE USES.  Well, no one, perhaps, except me.”

And the other little thing I say every day? The other phrase that I say so often I hear it in my sleep?

“Okay everyone, time to go home.  Remember that tomorrow is a new day, and I love you all very, very much.”  

And while everything I say during the day is important, these are the probably the most important words of all.


Chicka, Chicka Boom Boom - THAT'S the way to clear a room.

We started our year in kindergarten with a fun book called “Chicka Chicka Boom Boom”.  If you know the story, it revolves around letters of the alphabet falling in and out of the coconut tree. 

We spent a week doing everything and anything related to coconuts, trees and letters!  We cracked open a coconut, tried coconut, decorated trees, had a letter hunt, glitterized letters and ate various snacks that looked like coconut trees. 

At the end of the day Thursday I said to the kids, “Boys and girls, don’t forget to tell your moms and dads that you ATE a coconut tree today!”  We made a big deal about it and sent them out the door with smiles.

Friday morning at morning circle I asked the kids if they shared our “tree eating” activity with their parents.  As they sat criss-cross in the circle I went around the circle.   

George said that his parents thought it was awesome!  Jack said that his mom wanted the recipe! I looked at Savannah and asked her what her mom thought!

“Well, My mom said what the fu----
“OKAY!!!! BOYS GIRLS!” I shouted loud enough to scare the bejesus out of them, “That’s ENOUGH sharing for this morning!!!  Let’s STAND UP! Everybody Up!!”

Oh Sweet Cheezus I’m pretty sure she wasn’t going to say fudge.


Just set the whole @(#*# cake on fire.....(But pour me a cocktail first.)

Today I’m 55 years old.  FIFTY-FIVE! I’ve outlived my mother by 7 years, and will soon surpass the age when my father passed. 

I am 55 years old today, and I couldn’t be happier. 

Oh sure, it would be nice to be independently wealthy, about 15 pounds lighter, have some knees that worked and live in an outrageous tree house in the south of FRANCE, but honestly, I couldn’t be happier.

In fact, I’m grateful.  I’m pretty damn grateful for the following things. (Yep, here comes the teacher list.  Buckle up.)

1.     I’m grateful that after all of the unexpected ups and downs in this journey I can still manage to laugh my ass off each and every day.
2.     I’m grateful that I have a job that I love- and look forward to each and every day.
3.     I’m grateful for amazing friends who always lift me up, kick me in the ass, and help me laugh every single day.
4.     I’m grateful for the make-up lady at Ulta who gave me an amazing make-over today AND slipped me some “Turnaround Overnight Moisturizer” as a free gift today. I can’t wait to use it tonight and wake up looking like I’m 40! 
5.     I’m grateful for Match.com for providing me with incredible laughing/blogging material, and for some other lovely distractions.
6.     I’m grateful for the Middleswarth Potato Chip Company who make the best damn barbeque chips in the land.
7.     I’m grateful to Pinnacle Vodka who sent me not ONE but TWO bottles of vodka!  I plan on sampling them both while celebrating this milestone on my back deck tonight. (You’re all welcome to join me if you can find the way.  Follow the chip crumbs…)
8.     I’m grateful to the mailman who brought me MORE BOXTOPS in the mail TODAY!  (Thank you, Jane.  You’re really the one I’m thankful for, but the mailman stole your hug.)
9.     I’m thankful for Sharon who gave me an amazing three weeks in Maryland as well as providing a neighbor who did a smashing job welcoming me to the neighborhood. 
10.  I’m thankful for the amazing angels in my corner who always throw me amazing encounters and experiences to balance out the shitty parts of this life. 
11. I'm grateful to Sassy for sending me the most amazing flowers, for Bitchy who TRIED to be nice and bought all my make-up for me after the make-over.  And for The Golden Boy, who has taught me that  those curveballs in life don't always mean you're out of the game.  xx

All in all, I have a great damn life.  And I might whine ONCE in a while, but usually I’m laughing and smiling all the live-long day.   Not only because my mother and father gifted me with this great bedside manner, but also because of friends like ALL OF YOU.  Your comments, your emails, your packages, your BoxTops, your boxes from Amazon and your donations to Paypal ALWAYS COME when I need it the most.  When I’ve had a rough day, or when I’m on the receiving end of someone else’s bad day.  Incredible timing, I'd say. 

And so, although I’m celebrating my own special day today with a few friends…. I WISH that you could ALL be here with me.  It would pretty much be the best damn present of all.