12/30/18

I'm sure it's on You Tube SOMEWHERE.


The headline of this story really SHOULD be “I AM IN GRAND CAYMAN FOR CHRISTMAS for God’s Sake!”  However, that’s not the premise of this particular story. Yes, I am down here (IN THE CAYMAN ISLANDS FOR GOD’S SAKE) with Fred and Bitchy and her prince for the holidays.  Fred has a place here, and I am so fortunate (i.e. damn lucky) to join him here as often as I can.


The holiday was grand, indeed. And frankly every day with someone who loves you is grand.  But that’s beside the point.


We spent many days lazing in the sun, biking, beachcombing, dining at the Ritze, celebrating, walking, watching sunsets and jetting around the ocean on our Jet Skis.  It was magnificent, indeed.


We took Bitchy and the Prince to the airport around lunchtime yesterday, and I might have cried in the car after we bid them goodbye.  (Like all mothers do.)


I decided to soothe my heart by taking my Jet Ski out on the water.  My fella was replacing a battery on his Jet-Ski in the front yard (That’s another post ENTIRELY) and wasn’t able to witness the events that were to come.   


Thank God.


I grabbed the Jet Ski vest and bopped to the back of the townhouse to the bay where we keep the skis on Jet Ski docks we had installed two years ago.  I pushed the ski out a bit from the dock so that I could hop on and rock it the rest of the way off. While it was teetering on the edge of the dock, I realized the key to the Jet Ski was NOT attached to the vest.  

(Just to give you an idea of the dock)

(It might not look heavy, but holy hell.)

(The water is filled with murky bay life that sting, like the Cassiopeia Jellyfish...)



“Dammit.”


I tried like hell to pull the ski back up onto the dock, but the 1,100 pound Jet Ski was too much for me. It’s DIDN’T BUDGE.  I thought that MAYBE it would stay where it was while I zipped down the dock to our unit to retrieve the key.


Surely it wouldn’t move.


As soon as I turned my back to hop up onto the dock, I noticed the Ski sliding into the water.  Of course.


And then, like those slow motion videos in the movies, I turned and lunged for it! I  lost my balance and hopped over the the left of the plastic dock.Then I lost my balance AGAIN and had to hop to the right, all the while lunging toward the Jet Ski as it rolled into the water like a runaway train.  


In a split second I realized I HAD to jump into the water towards the runaway ski and I leapt like an elephant trying to fly.  


I landed in the water, holding onto the side of the ski, amazed that I even survived the incident. Honestly, I am SURE I looked like a huge pinball bouncing to and fro across the dock. Of course after landing on the ski I slowly slid off of it into the foul smelling water of the bay.


I grabbed the side of the ski as my feet sank into the muddy, squishy bottom of the bay- hoping I was avoiding the stinging jellyfish that covered the bottom of the bay.


As I stood in the water holding the ski I noticed a young family on the beach opposite the dock who had apparently been fortunate enough to  watch the entire incident. The little girl was clapping gleefully and laughing, while the mother looked very worried about me!


“Are you all right,” she shouted.  


“I guess that’s what I get for not being more prepared!  And that might have looked hysterical, but it was pretty amazing for someone with two new knees and a new hip!”


“Well, I have trouble with my paddle board, so good for you!!”


I smiled as I looked at her well-toned athletic figure and knew she was lying. “I’m pretty sure if YOU had just pulled what I pulled, it wouldn’t end up on America’s Funniest Home Videos.”

I woke up this morning sore from head to toe.  Now, I’m off to take a hundred pain killers and try to find some Icy Hot. It may be a “lying on the beach” kind of day.  

12/15/18

I have glitter in every piece of clothing I own...



We have spent several BILLION days making menorahs, Christmas trees, Kwanza pictures, Santa’s, stockings, Greeting cards and anything else that REMOTELY resembles a holiday in December. 

After reading books about REAL Reindeer, and talking about the “other” reindeer, we also made a bag of “reindeer food” that consisted of marshmallows, glitter and love. (Did I mention I have a headache?) 

As I sent the children out the door today amidst a cloud of glitter, sequins and confectioner’s sugar, and carrying their reindeer food in their hands, I heard one little girl ask another what was in the bag. Her response? 


“It’s for the goats.” 

12/12/18

You can't tell ME there wasn't a full moon!!

Let’s see if we can recap the day, shall we?

At morning meeting, 8 children raised their hands when the teacher asked if anyone had eaten the chocolate from their advent calendar for breakfast.

Three children then informed the teacher that they had been at a Paw Patrol Live event at the local convention center and were DISAUSTED.  (But still energized enough to talk non-stop about it throughout the WHOLE morning meeting to anyone who would listen.) Then, Claudia hit Mark when I was trying to get Mark to give someone ELSE a chance to share.

When I final wrapped up the rowdy morning meeting, that pesky Gingerbread Man left a note and the teacher stupidly led the children on a hunt through the school that did NOT END WELL.  Let’s just say that they ran like banshees through the whole school shouting into any room that had an open door asking about the Gingerbread Man. Yes, I did try to chase them down-but when kids scatter it’s hard to decide who to chase first.  In the midst of the melee, 3 of our English as a Second Language students got lost, 1 child ran off to the nurse’s office for the (apparently) free crackers and juice that she gives if you say your tummy is rumbling, and the rest of the class managed to find their way back to the class a full TEN MINUTES before this teacher could find them.  I may have 2 new knees, but my doctor still insists that I do NOT run. (Which the children are dangerously aware of.)

At the end of a loud and crazy morning  I tried to put a lid on the HUGE pot of Jiffy Pop popcorn children.  As I sang a song to gather them on the carpet Andy proceeded to run into Mark, who then fell on top of Teddy who decided to grab Colby on his way down.  This started a free for all that resulted in a huge pile of screaming children on the carpet.  One or two children on the bottom of the pile were crying. (As was the teacher, at this point.)

So, while I am trying very hard to love each and every day, this one was one for the books.  

I am too exhausted to even begin to describe the afternoon, but this might give you an idea of what it was like.









The fact that the kids all ran to me for a hug at the end of day SHOULD soothe these tired bones. They, apparently, had no IDEA that the day was one for the books.  (And I don’t mean the good books. )



Pass the vodka.