It might be time to buy the Wal-Mart reading glasses...

This is a blanket apology to all of those involved in the series of unfortunate events this morning between the Sheraton Hotel and US Airways Flight 1966.

To Carolyn and Darcy who I rudely left standing in the lobby of the Sheraton as I screamed in shock when I looked closer at my itinerary: I’m sorry if I uttered words totally unbecoming of a first grade teacher, but my heart stopped beating when I realized I had 45 minutes to make it to take off.

To Stiletto (far right) for leaving you without even the HINT of a note - I am so sorry, I ran so fast that I didn't even have time to retrieve the LIBRARY book I left on my nightstand. And, to the next occupant of that particular room- it's a juicy one.

To the ladies that I shoved out of the revolving door and knocked over with my THOUSAND POUND suitcases as I flew in a blind PANIC to any taxi that would have me – I apologize. It wasn’t me. It was, uh well, Marinka. Yeah. That’s who it was.

To the taxi driver that FLEW to the airport as I sat in the back seat SOBBING, and moaning something about being a stupid, stupid, stupid, old stupid woman – I’m sorry. Oh, and about kissing you on the LIPS when we arrived at O’Hare at the speed of light in 2.5 minutes? I totally meant it. Sorry I may have forgotten my FREE mints. (Thank you Nokia. ha. )

To the kind, very TALKATIVE gentleman who handled my bags and gave me my boarding passes? I am sorry I left so abrupty as you were regaling me with tales of YOUR first grade experience. I’m sure the little girl who moved away and broke your heart never forgot you either, and the rest of the story about your teacher I didn’t catch as I rudely ran toward my gate in panic. Sorry, dude. I'm sure she was fabulous - right???

To the pilot of our FLIGHT who unfortunately was walking BEHIND me as I boarded the plane- I am sorry I hit you in the knee with my FIFTY POUND swag bag. (Psst, girls, I’ve got make-up GALORE…) I’m sure you didn’t need that knee to fly us safely home, right? Right.

Oh, and to the fitness trainer from my hometown of Smythe, Oregon who had promised to start training me tomorrow after the conference? Yeah, um, let’s make it Tuesday. I will still be recovering from RUNNING FOR MY LIFE through O’Hare International. (Whoever said chubby old ladies with bad knees can’t run obviously never saw one close to missing a flight home to her unsupervised teen daughters.)

Oh, and the reason I misread my flight departure time and thought it said 1:40 instead of the real 11:40?? I am totally blaming the lack of sleep.

And when I say lack of sleep I really mean...lack of sleep. (thanks, Poppy.)

And a BIG PS to this story. To the two baggage handlers that helped me find my luggage in Smith, Oregon this evening when I finally arrived home? I can't believe how you've grown. It was just YESTERDAY that you were both in my fifth grade class.

That was the icing on the cake.


Captain Dumbass said...

Sounds like you had a good time then.

Captain Dumbass said...

Too bad someone wasn't following you with a video camera.

Brian Miller said...

ha. wonderful story...so sounds like you had fun right? lol.

Ms. Witi said...

I would have been freakin' out!!!
Way to go girl for *semi-handling* such a horribly stressful moment.

Now take a big sip of your Vodka and RELAX!!!


Ladybird World Mother said...

Shouldn't there be an apology to the person you sat next to on the plane that had your dribble on their sleeve as you caught up on the sleep you had missed? Come on, we want more...:) xx (glad it was a hoot...)

KrisGC said...

You are a hoot!! I love reading your stories, your life sounds full of adventures!

Sandy said...

Hope it was a great trip despite the fright flight home!

Michele said...

Catching your return flight is not quite as important as catching your arrival flight.

Unsupervised teenagers have already had their party/binging/sleep over and if they are smart they've cleaned up. Of course not well enough not to get caught because.....they're idiots.

Deb said...

-->I'm glad you made your flight!

Good job on getting the new blog address up and running too.


Anna Whiston-Donaldson said...

oh my! i would have been a raving lunatic.

jealous of the swag bag, but not the running through the airport thing.

Meandering Mel said...

I've tried the-running-through the-airport-to-catch-a-flight-home thing as well, and I'm not a fan of it.

Glad you made your flight!

I gave you an award, swing by http://mkerkmann.blogspot.com/ for the Honest Scrap Award! :)

Anonymous said...

Haha very eventful VM! P.S. Love the layout! Have been blogging absent all week - so it was a great surprise!!

Anonymous said...

You left a library book? Uh oh. I can't wait to hear what else went on this weekend. I hope it was awesome!

And I am interested to hear what the daughters were up to while you were gone. I'm sure they baked cookies and ordered pizza and watched chick flicks, right?? ;-)

Paige Lacey said...

So it was a good trip then.

Glad you made it home safely...even after you crippled that pilot. Now that's talent! ;o)

Desert Songbird said...

I don't believe it. There's NO WAY you made it through O'Hare security in time for your flight!

Marinka said...

I can't believe that I missed that! Wasn't I sitting right there, too? Glad you made your plane! (It was YOUR plane, right? )

Jan said...

Glad you had a good and actually made the flight!!

*Lissa* said...

I've had a few of those experiences...

Glad you made it and I can't wait to hear more about your adventure!

Stacy Uncorked said...

Glad you made your flight! I thought your story would end that your flight was actually a few hours later than you thought and you had to sit and twiddle your thumbs at the airport after all the running... :)

Looking forward to hearing all about the weekend!

Liz Wilkey (a.k.a. A Mom on Spin) said...

Yeah. . .good thing those pilots don't have foot pedals!

Anonymous said...

Ahhh, nothing like a little blind panic to get the blood flowing in the morning.

Thanks for the laugh. I needed that :).

As Cape Cod Turns said...

I can't imagine the lack of sleep.....zzzzzz. Oh right, i am still in the airport and have to stay awake at least until i get buckled into my cozy airplane seat ....zzzzzz

Glad that you made it home ok!!!

Halftime Lessons said...

I was laughing my ass off until I got to the part where you dry humped the cabbie, and then I started dry heaving.

Joanna Jenkins said...

Oh boy, that'll grow you a few gray hairs!!1 Yikes.
But i'm SO GLAD you made it!
Welcome home.

The Renaissance Chick said...

Sore knees and lack of sleep. Hmmm.


Unknown said...

I just can not wait to hear all about your trip....
this post had my LMAO...as always when I read you...glad you made it home safely...you are home?

Anonymous said...

Ok, VM. Sue's plane is an hour late in leaving, meaning she'll miss the bus coming to the cape and would have to wait for one until 11:30pm getting her back here about 2am. I don't think she could find her way back at that hour. Her mother-in-law and I are going to Boston to get her! Next year you two will need chaperones! I am no longer your stalker as I need you to know I'm keeping track of you both. I get first dibs on the swag! Love, Sue's mother.

Stephanie said...

Gald you caught that plane! Enjoy the extra two hours you didn't know you had:)

The Half Assed Housewife said...

Hopefully you enjoyed a martini or two between the airport and home!

Irish Gumbo said...

Lack of sleep, ha, ha, that's a good one, whew, tell me another funny story...and all that running, that's why your knees are sore, right?

Unknown said...

You know... I think I saw you on youtube!

Get some sleep! ;)

Everyday Goddess said...

You know how to make an exit!!

Unknown said...

Imagine how dull your life would be if you didn't white knuckle through every damn minute of it?

You have my permission to be dull for at least 24 hours...

Peace - Rene

Sprite's Keeper said...

Oh my God!!!!
You should have left with me!
Vodka, it's a good thing you checked your ticket again or the afternoon would have been a whole lot more stressful. And the freak out and subsequent heart palpitations is good for at least 5 pounds. Take the week off!

Unknown said...

Too much fun always makes for a crazy departure! I'm glad you enjoyed yourself at BlogHer!

Leslie said...

I'm so going next year.

Crazy Charm said...

Tell me there was a reality series recording this?! I can't wait to hear more about your trip!

Ann Imig said...

Its over???



Teresa said...

Airplanes aren't like classrooms, you don't just get a 'pink slip'. Sounds like the conference was bundles of fun! I ran through O'Hare once myself; the limo (my first and last ever limo) I had hired with 5 other teachers broke down on the freeway during rush hour.

Mrs. C. said...

Oh Lord, talk about pee-my-pants funny. I loved your story today. Sounds like you had the BEST TIME EVER!

And of course everyone has a good travel story. On our way home from Kentucky a few weeks ago I was practically dragging my almost 70-year-old mom down to the gate so we wouldn't be late, only to realize it was the WRONG GATE! Not our flight number at all. Oh-my-god, how did we get messed up, how would we get home, how did this happen...wait. I forgot that there was an hour difference between Kentucky and Chicago. I nearly killed my poor old mother for nothing.

shrink on the couch said...

My heart and knees are pounding right along with you. Glad you made it there and home in one piece.

tracey.becker1@gmail.com said...

Oh my gosh! That was a close one. Glad you made it! And glad I met you!

flutter said...

Oh, dear. I am sorry I missed that!

Smart Mouth Broad said...

Sounds like you had a great time. Also glad your taxi driver had his pilot's license. *wink*

Angie Ledbetter said...

Not to sound whiny, but I feel like one of those dorks who comes in on the end of the movie. But I'm so glad you had fun. *sniff*


Anonymous said...

A good time was had by all then ... Or at least the hundreds of people who saw you run through departures!

Unknown said...

This story just proves to me what I've suspected for awhile...you are a superhero. lol - did you ever see that show a few years ago where they were looking for the "new superhero", it was like on usa or something. I could totally see you on there...Superblogger...she makes her flight with 45 minutes to go AND does it all in a way to have a kick ass story to write about :)

Heatherface said...

It's funny because the first thing I thought of after reading this post was how my 2nd grade teacher was a customer of mine at my last job. She looks EXACTLY THE SAME and I told her just that. I'm 25 now, so I practically killed her with that compliment.

Midlife Roadtripper said...

Definitely wait until Tuesday, or even Wednesday, to work out. Have a vodka and do tell about the conference.

Poppy Buxom said...

Holy shit, woman! Feeling the way I do today, if that had happened to me, I would be typing this with zombie fingers. In other words, I would be dead.

Congratulations for getting to O'Hare on time! I hope you left a trail of gold glitter everywhere you went.

mo.stoneskin said...

It is a bit unusual for someone to kiss a taxi driver on the lips. Were you aiming for his nose?

Maggie May said...

sounds like me.

Ron said...

I've done that more than once, but I'm not admitting to it. Glad you made it there and back.

Joanie said...

Sounds like you and I experienced something similar this weekend.

I have to apologize to a couple people for being the most unbearable flake in the world when confronted with people from my past. Can I do it here or do I have to write a whole post?

GypsyFox said...

well look at it this way, you have a great blog post!!! XOXO ;)

Christy said...

You are so not a chubby middle aged lady! You're an adorable little sprite! I LOVED meeting you! Twice! So glad you made it home...even though it's kinda hard to be home, isn't it?!

Kathy B! said...

Sounds like you had FUN! Now spill the gory details :) I have a feeling this is just the tip of the iceberg!!

Jeanne Estridge said...

Can't wait to see the pictures of you, Marinka and Darcy with the Budweiser frogs painted on your chests....

maggie, dammit said...


Oh, honey.

maggie, dammit said...


Oh, honey.

Hit 40 said...

I bet you aged a little!!! So glad that you caught your plane.

WeaselMomma said...

So great to have met you and I am amazed you actually made your flight!

Candy's daily Dandy said...

It's not a complete success unless you are left running for your life in the airport.

We want to hear ALL about it!

Maureen@IslandRoar said...

Oh this is too funny. What would life be without the thrill of racing to the next thing, in fear of missing it?
Bet you made the day of your former students.
What I love about this story is how you focused on the wonderful aspects of all the people who helped get you there on time.Upbeat.

Anonymous said...

i want more details!

The Peach Tart said...

I hope you're going to write some stories about your trip.

Vodka Mom said...

I will totally write about the trip tonight!! I am busy unpacking, food shopping, mowing the lawn, doing laundry, cleaning toilets and getting back to my mild mannered life.

I'll start spilling all the dirt on tomorrow's post!! It was the TIME OF MY LIFE. (besides our wedding, Tightwad. I mean The Blessed One.)

Carolyn...Online said...

I'm so glad you made your flight and I was rather impressed with the way you hauled your shit out the door to the taxi stand. You can really move when motivated.

GREAT to meet you in person!

♥ Braja said...

So now you're a library thief?? Jeez, teachers these days, y'know?

the mama bird diaries said...

So glad you made your flight. I'm glad I wasn't in your way during the great mad dash to the airport. Great to meet you.

The Hussy Housewife said...

That minor misreading..only ensures you had a GREAT time. Dam..I should have gone..I want to get lots SWAG and almost miss my flight. Jealous!

Meg said...

So are you saying you're blaming me? Sorry. I didn't know I snored.

Thanks for letting me crash with you. I owe you some jewelry.

*Akilah Sakai* said...

You just couldn't come home normally, could you, VodkaMom? You just had to outdo everyone else leaving
BlogHer with all this fanfare!

Showboater!! ;)

Diane J. said...

You like to leave a lasting memory. =)

That's funny, glad you made it home. You didn't mention if home was still standing after being watched by teens, everything still the same?

Have a great day!
Diane J.

LegalMist said...

I've been in that situation, and it is soooo NOT fun! I'm glad you caught your plane and made it home in one piece, and found your bags and your former fifth graders. How very cool. :)

Bobby G said...

LMAO! Dont get in vodka Moms way!

Laura Marchant said...

I love you vodka mom!

Nanny Goats In Panties said...

Good Lord, woman - I cannot believe you made it to your flight. You are incredible!

And I'm so glad to have met you! You rock!

And hey, you changed your banner!

And I have some pics for you! I'll email the link to my Flickr page!

Anonymous said...

You are such a nice lady!! No sleep, but loads of fun for sure!

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Sharon Rose said...

Welcome home! I hope you had a lovely time! BTW, Walmart makes some pretty reading glasses these days. . . . so you can be in style while you read clearly!

Magpie said...

That sounds like way too much excitement.

Samantha said...

Literally laughed so hard while reading that entire post! Could you be any funnier, I think not!

PictureGirl said...

How funny. I am constantly mis-reading things without my cheaters.

Scary Mommy said...

Only you!

I loved, loved, loved meeting you. Loved. :)

lisahgolden said...

I'm an obsessive itinerary checker because I used to fly in and out of O'Hare on a weekly basis. Without panic, it's a pain, but getting yourself there and only managing to do the damage you did is pretty amazing!

darsden said...

somehow after being the 1564 comment rotflmfao or LOL just doesn't have the same impact now does it. Welcome home I know it was fun but it's always great to get back in your own bed!

shopgirl said...

seriously woman, you're funny even in PANIC mode!! I hope you had a LARGE Martini when you got home.

It was soooooooooooooo great to meet you this weekend!!

LiteralDan said...

This doesn't sound unfortunate at all! For me, anyway, since I get to read about it without all the running and stress and everything.

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