8/24/10

Breaking News: Five-Year Olds Pick Their Noses.


Parents of potential kindergarteners: Just thought I’d give you an idea of what your children will be doing when in school. Oh, and don’t worry, the teachers are like new moms and poop; at some point what they do neither shocks or surprises us.

1. Your son or daughter will go into the bathroom and leave the door open while doing their business. They will also probably break into song.

2. Your child will pick their nose in front of the class for about 6 months, until they are SICK of the teacher telling them in front of everyone to “Get a Tissue!!” Then they’ll graduate to doing it with a hand in front of their nose. THOSE kids are talented, brilliant, and have learned good manners.

3. Your child will forget to go to the bathroom while out at recess, and accidentally pee in their pants.

4. Your child will walk out of the bathroom with their pants around their ankles. Oops. Frankly, I expect it.

5. Your child will call the teacher mom, dad and grandma at some point during the year. The first two will evoke a chuckle, and the latter will result in a shriek and a run to the Hand and Face lotion in an attempt to smooth the wrinkles. She will also probably take a long leisurely bath or go straight to the liquor store. Or both.

6. Your child will tell an incredibly embarrassing story about you, your husband and your family. More than one. The teacher will chuckle, make a mental note to remember that for the family picnic, and move on to the next child. Teachers also know not to use real names when repeating funny stories. They know that their OWN kids are in someone else’s room doing the SAME THING.

7. Your child will tattle on their best friend, make mean faces to them, and then play house or legos with them all within the span of 5 minutes.

8. Your child will take a tumble on the playground, get pushed by someone, skin his or her knee and then bounce up and get back in the game. (Wish we were so resilient.)

9. Your son will forget to push his penis down and pee all over the bathroom floor, wall, toilet and his own pants. (He might also throw the wet underpants at the teacher.)

10.Your child will find a way into the teacher’s heart, and the teacher will cheer and laugh and wipe a tear from her eye when your baby reads her first word, writes her first sentence or makes their first friend. It’s what makes it all worthwhile.



It's a love story that will last a lifetime. And we will never, ever forget their name. It is Hope.





46 comments:

Mandy said...

This means so much to me as a kindergarten teacher and the mom to a 5 year old who started his kindergarten experience yesterday.... sniff sniff

Cheryl said...

Whoa there Nelly. The dinosaurs were disausted. THAT can't happen to you. Where will these kids go?

Nose-picking and pee seem to be a big topic of discussion at back-to-school time. You made it sing.

Elizabeth @ My Life, Such as it is... said...

My son already sings in the bathroom and everywhere else. I felt like I should've sent a note on the 1st day saying "I'm sorry my kid won't shut up" but I didn't. We both survived the 1st day of Kindergarten! Yay! And he doesn't like sitting next to an icky girl so I was told when he got home.

Susan Higgins said...

Your posts makes me wish I DID become a grade school teacher... it was the job I always wanted but never did.

Maybe my next lifetime... this one, I care for a demented mom who is just like a kindergartener!

confessionsofacrazymom.com said...

That was exactly what I needed. I just came in from sending all of my babies off to school. It's the first time all three of my girls are going all day, every day (4th, 1st, and Kdg). I've been looking forward to this day for 9 years and counting down all summer, but I cried like a baby when that bus pulled away. You made me laugh, then of course, cry some more. Teachers are the best!! Thanks for the post!!

Scope said...

I'm certain that there are some names you wish you could forget.

I hear that teachers have the worst time naming their own children, due to stigmas attached to names. Good thing Bitchy and Sassy didn't have to suffer from that.

WebSavvyMom said...

-->I think my kid does most of those things now and he's two years away from kindergarden. (He has a late birthday.) I did post an interview with him from last night on today's post.
~deb
www.websavvymom.com

Rene/ Not The Rockefellers said...

I go back to school Thursday.
Can't wait to see my babies!!!

Rene

Evonne said...

My boy does most of this at home already, so it's really not a surprise that he'll do this in Kindergarten. And he starts tomorrow... sniff :(

Anke said...

Oh my, do you know how many of those sound familiar? I work at a mothers day out and have a group of 3year old's. Most of the things you mentioned happened to me, except for having wet underwear thrown at me... But hey, the new year just started...

yogurt said...

You always make me smile, VM. Here's to a really great school year!

Lisa said...

You hit the nail on the head! I taught kinder for 6 yrs (now in 1st). LOVE IT!! Have a great first day back with the kidlets!

Rita/Fighting Off Frumpy said...

Thank you so much for this - I LOVE IT! My oldest son went to Kindergarten this year and I've wondered many times what it's going to be like for his teacher.

I cracked up at #3 - the peeing pants at recess one. My son did that the first week ... the first time he has EVER peed himself, ever (at least since he was potty-trained at two)! I was so astonished that I called his teacher to see if he was having some sort of problem ... but she assured me it was perfectly normal.

Wish I had read this first. :)

duffylou said...

I'm reminiscing, (it took me 5 tries to spell that), about my three kids and their kindergarten experiences.

They are all in their twenties now. Your beautifully written posts take me back to me in my twenties and my youngest going off to school for the first time. Thanks for bringing it back for me.

a Broad said...

You do it every time !
Starting my day with a smile and a tear ...

love it.
love you !
C

Brian Miller said...

hehe. i am doing art for the school again this year...so i cant wait to see what my boys have shared about me this year...they did well first day yesterday...

pam said...

Wow... I wish that my kids had had teachers who were willing to accept that this is just a part of the job, part of how 5 and 6 year olds are... it would have made it much much easier to transition to school when they aren't forced to be adults in kindergarten...

Jill said...

You brought the biggest smile to my face with this. Such a spot-on hilarious list. LOVE it.

And I also love hearing from the teachers about stories my kids tell... they're usually doozies. You must pee your own pants hearing them.

Jennifer said...

I dropped my first baby off at Kindergarten this morning and I thought I had all of the tears under control, but nope, I'm crying again. Thanks for that. And for also letting me know that my sweet girl will work her way into the heart of someone else. What more could a momma want?

Angie Ledbetter said...

According to those parameters and caveats, my DH would fit nicely into your classroom! :D Blessings upon the glorious, dedicated teachers.

Mo Diva said...

wow! so true! I dont miss Kindergarden at ALL LOL!

Very sweet love story!

Jules said...

Thanks I needed that laugh!! I also saw some of these nose picking graduates this past week at the hospital. They are talented. :D
Jules @ Trying To Get Over The Rainbow

K. Harrington said...

Studies in my house show the same results. LOL!

My youngest started kindergarten yesterday and loves it. Hope you have a wonderful school year.

Cheryl D. said...

Ahh, what a cool post! My daughter went to kindergarten last year and LOVED it! She actually wanted to repeat kindergarten because she loved her teacher so much. This surprised me since she wanted to go to kindergarten since she was 3! I just assumed she'd leave kindergarten wanting to start third grade. LOL! She did have an amazing kindergarten teacher! I think it takes a very special person to work with so many 5-year olds and teach them so much! We parents thank you!

madtexter (corey james) said...

Ha! Brilliant. Sounds to me like it's time to stock up a case of vodka and settle into yet another exciting school year.

Have fun!

Meathead said...

GAH! Mine starts kindergarten on the 7th ('Round these parts school always starts the day after Labor Day)
I won't be surprised if she does most of those.
Is it still frowned upon for parents to attend kindergarten with their child? Is it really? 'Cause I'm kinda nervous about the embarrassing story part...

Captain Dumbass said...

I expect Liam to be doing that all on the first day.

Mom said...

Hahahaha! Funny stuff. My youngest starts kindergarten shortly and I think we'll have a chat about bathroom privacy, recess, family stories and nose-picking. I know I'm probably crushing the k-garten traditions and all, but do NOT bring dishonor to our family, kid!! LOL

Life...EXAGGERATED

CSY said...

HA! I LOVE your kindergarten stories! Too bad mine are in 8th, 5th and 3rd this year. Having a GREAT kindergarten teacher is SO important! Have fun this year!

Fragrant Liar said...

The truly scary part of the kids picking their nose is not that they pick it at all. It's where they leave the loogey that you will later find.

Sparkless said...

Oh goodness you do want to make us mom's cry don't you! Wonderful post!

Pink in a sea of blue said...

I'm glad I'm 2 months into kindergarten (year round) with my last so your post made me laugh more than cry. What I don't get is his teacher has told me she LOVES my son SEVERAL times already. So if he's such an adorable angel in class, why do I get the devil when he comes home? And I am scared of the personal stories that are sure to come out in class!

slow panic said...

i love the first day of school. and i love teachers. thank you for everything you do for our kids.

Gigi said...

*MY* son NEVER did any of these things in kindergarten, I'm SURE of it!

(HA! He still does some of them - so tell me this oh, wise one, when do they grow out of it? 16?)

Missy said...

I have always said, "K teachers should get paid double the wage."
God Bless...

Michelle Lanning said...

haha -- as a First Grade Teacher I can still relate to some of these - just gotta roll with the punches and laugh!

Dawn said...

*tear*
My baby started Kindergarten this year. They pried him off my leg. I kissed him on the top of his head and told him to have a great day, smiling the whole time.... I then proceeded to cry as I walked down the hallway.

Thank you to all you Kind. teachers out there that make leaving our babies that much easier!

mouthymama.com said...

I am a mom to a new kindergartner this year! Looks like there's a lot to look forward to--thank you for the belly laugh--I needed it today!
www.mouthymama.com

Malisa said...

Woman, your name is HOPE! All parents HOPE that they could have teachers like you for their precious children!

Malisa

Robin Dodd Photography said...

Love this post! I remember Grace told her teacher last year, "My dad has to work so we can live in this house.." I think kindergarten teachers know more dirt on people than hairdressers. 5 year olds tell all your business.. oh and there was "my mom only uses bad language in the car.."

Coffee with Cathy said...

Oh, so glad to know that despite computers and cell phones and the heresy of 24-hour-a-day cartoons instead of ONLY ON SATURDAY MORNINGS, some things haven't changed in the 20 years ago since my own kids started kindergarten.

Tracey - Just Another Mommy Blog said...

I wish all teachers felt that way about their students. It's not always true, you know... (from a mom who's experienced the other side.)

Hope this year is a good one for you and all of your students!

Joanie M said...

Having successfully raised 3 kids of my own (which means I haven't killed them although I nearly did kill my son when he was 5... no joke), I can say I have all 10 points covered, some mulitple times.

Jennifer Juniper said...

As silly as it sounds, that just made me cry (as my youngest boards the bus to 2nd grade tomorrow!) :(

Boogers and pee can be sentimental!

CatLadyLarew said...

Great list! You hit all the high points.

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