And now it's unanimous- I NEVER know the right answer.

As winter approaches, I have been searching for ways to blackmail and bribe The Golden Boy to keep active and help himself in this struggle to be “healthy”, as he grows into himself.

He shocked and surprised me when he told me he was trying out for his middle school basketball team. While I am bracing myself for the gut-wrenching “didn’t make the team” possibility, I am also holding out hope that his natural ability will outweigh the fact that he is probably twice the size of most of his prospective teammates.

We had to go to the doctor’s office for the re-certification physical, because apparently even though we JUST had a physical for school, they HAVE to look at him AGAIN. (I guess they need my twenty dollars desperately to help pay for their NEW bazillion dollar building.)

We approached the building when he turned to me and said, “He’s not gonna grab my stuff, is he?”

“WHAT?” I replied, trying not to crash into the stone wall.

“Last time I had my physical he grabbed my STUFF. You know, my b..”

“STOP! I think I know what you mean. And no, I think it’s just a weighing and measuring thing. It’s a re-cert. Not a REAL physical. No grabbing of the stuff.” I felt confident that I knew what I was talking about. After all, he is my THIRD child.

We sat in the chairs as the doctor discussed the Boy’s growing height and weight, and he reminded him about healthy life choices, activity level, blah, blah, blah.

The doctor pushed his chair back, stood up and I was convinced we were done.

He turned around, grabbed a latex glove and put it on his hand.

The Golden Boy’s head snapped around to face me, his eyes wide in shock.

I ran out of the room. Like any respectable parent would.

Did I forget to mention my oldest two were GIRLS?

Yeah. Fifty years old and I’m STILL a rookie.


RottenMom said...

The B**L check! We just went through this last week. Only my son's Dr. had an emergency so we had his partner, a female. She did skip the B**l check, she tried, but he wouldn't let her. I never want to witness that again.

Good Luck to your boy with Basketball tryouts! I'm rooting for him!

tamilyn said...

Yep, I have girls. There was no B**L checking. Dude can have that fun all to himself. However, the Drama Queen had a yeast infection so she got the "feet in the stirrups" thing. She wasn't impressed. I guess I shouldn't have smirked when she told me that....

Expat mum said...

Ha ha. We recently did the Man-Child's annual. When the time came, I offered to go outside the room, but apparently that meant that another chaperone would have to be found before the doc could touch him "down there", so I steyed and fiddled with my I-Phone. I think I was more embarrassed than anyone else!

Momo Fali said...

I went to a doctor's appointment with my husband once (pretty sure it was his first physical since high school) and the doctor did that to him WHILE I WAS IN THE ROOM! Ackward!

Pseudo said...

Holy Canoli. I'd have run out too.

Anonymous said...

OMG.. poor kid... and you mean the doc was going to do it with you present in the room? YIKES.. at least he could have asked first.


Missy said...

Poor guy! He still does not have it as bad as girls...

Lynn MacDonald said...

Hahaha...two girls and then a boy!!! Same thing...I was kicked out of the room for the SAME THING!! Boys physicals are different. Good luck with the basketball thing!! Middle school sports can be brutal!

Ellie Belen Ambrose said...

I think this might be the solution to the irate airline customers being groped at security. The airlines should hire doctors to check, um, the sac. Expect a lot less griping because after all, it is A Dr. He could give a prostate exam while down there too. It's a twofer.

Fragrant Liar said...

Well, if you'd gone to the airport, you could have had that "physical" for free!

noexcuses said...

I must be living a sheltered life. My boys never told me that they did that!

I still think it's not as bad as stirrups!

Mama K said...

and WHAT are they checking for, pray tell? like maybe one got lost since two months ago? I have a bunch of sons. I don't remember anything like that.

PsychoSecretary said...

Wow... our doctor at least "warned" us before he grabbed the jewels.. And my son protested EVERY TIME. But its so important (later in life) he might as well get used to it now!! LOL.. Funny funny

Pamela said...

thank god for all of you experts. i will start making my husband take the male short people to the doctor from now on.

Unknown said...

Thank God you left. Golden Boy wouldn't have forgotten that appointment in a very long time.

Notes From ABroad said...

Oh bless his heart ... and thus begins a lifetime of having your Stuff grabbed ... again and again and .....

Gigi said...

This reminds me of the first time MC had a sports physical.

We were all embarrassed.

Now his father takes him.

Mellodee said...

Yeooowie! Definitely becomes Reason #73 on my "WHY I'M GLAD I HAD A GIRL!!" List.

Gee, thanks so much for sharing! LOL!!!

Anna Whiston-Donaldson said...

oh boy! we went through this yesterday w/my 11 yr old.

the girl had a physical yesterday, too, and i thought her exam was a little more invasive. she's still talking about it.

jessica said...

#1:I clicked on your goodle ads.
#2:it IS really hard to be strong sometimes but the good thing is that emotional pain can't actually kill you. The sun still rises and somehow we are still breathing when it does. oh wait, that might be the bad thing about it...
#3:i can't help with the thousand dollars but i hear prostitution is way more lucrative than teaching. just the tip- i mean, just a tip!

Brenda Susan said...

So funny! Hubs went in with our boys, lucky me.

Now he knows that you don't know everything.....or did he already know that? heehee!

Michele said...

Our family doc asked the youngest boy whether he was spending time every month feeling his stuff. While I held my hands over my ears and said; "lalalalala" when he answered.

J.J. in L.A. said...

Wait til he turns 50 and has to have a colonoscopy. lol!

Dawn said...

Ugh... so THAT is what I have to look forward to.

DustieBottoms said...

YAY! I now have an official reason for my hubs to do doctor visits. 8 more years and it will be his turn.

Joanna Jenkins said...

Oh jeez. I'm trying not to laugh, the poor kid.
Good luck with basketball.
xo jj

Cheeseboy said...

Yeah, it's just a recert physical. It's not like he is going through airport security.

Funny post.

Cora said...

Oh God! I would have ran for cover too! "You're on your own, kid!!"

Scope said...

The old "turn your head and cough" bit.

And being twice the size of his teammates doesn't hurt in basketball. Great for setting a pick and rebounding.

SkylersDad said...

Then they tell you to cough, and you are so busy sucking in air from their grasp there is no way to exhale...

Sharon Rose said...

Oh my. . . poor lad! My son went through that. He said to me, "what freak wants to do that to young boys? His nurse was Hot! I wouldn't have minded if she had done it!"


Alexandra said...

love this...have 3 boys, so I do love this..

Desiree Lynn said...

I would have ran too and possibly bribed him for his forgiveness afterwards.

Mrs4444 said...

Holy hell! That's hilarious!

Our middle school has a no-cut philosophy. I hope your son got in, especially after all he went through to get there :)

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