i've decided to pack a survival kit for parents. (And I would, if I could move my arms.)

Dear Bitchy and Sassy,

I want to thank you for the clever plan you two cooked up to kill your mother.

The fact that you BOTH informed me several days ago that you had to move into your dorm/apartment on the same day could not have pleased me more. Oh sure, you CLAIM that it was coincidental, and that Sassy’s coach could never have known that Bitchy was moving into HER apartment on the same day that the WHOLE TEAM was to arrive on her campus a mere three hours away.

And wasn’t it fun when we had to move tubs, boxes, clothes, shelves, bed frames, mattresses, MORE CLOTHES, THOUSANDS OF SHOES (Cheezus, do they multiply???) from the third floor, all the way to our cars on our steep driveway?

And Mother Nature, it was incredibly clever of you to throw in a horrendous thunderstorm just when we started unloading all of Sassy’s belongings. You must have known that Sassy would run for cover into her room and stay there until I was done. (And I am still laughing over the fact that her dorm does NOT have an elevator. HA. How comical.)

So, Sassy, the three hour drive home in soaking wet clothes sufficiently distracted me from the erratic trucks that decided it was a great day to freak out a fifty –year old mother. And that combination kept me from realizing that you had, indeed, moved out.

Bitchy, thank you for waiting until 8:00 tonight to have us move YOUR STUFF into your apartment. Although I couldn’t talk, move my legs or my arms, we managed to move your bed, a few THOUSAND tubs, and other various items that simply had to go into your apartment tonight. We vacuumed, put the bed frame together, made the bed and God knows WHAT else before I claimed I was near death.

And I have to applaud your incredible finish. When all was said and done, and we were ready to leave you had to take me down the five flights of stairs to the basement. Even though YOUR apartment complex does have an elevator.

I would kick your @$$ right now if only I could move.

Someone take my pulse, cause honestly I'm pretty SURE I’m dead.


Tara R. said...

I somehow managed to get out of helping my college kid move. Her dad and brother did the heavy lifting. The only thing I participated in was loading the cars for the move.

Just remember to drink the Smirnoff and apply the Icy Hot, and not the other way around.

Mellodee said...

I don't mean to laugh, but oh this brings back memories. Moving daughter on to campus and back home, back to campus and back home for four years, and then three more years for Grad School. Oy! I can not imagine doing it for 2 kids at the same time.

Of course, her dad had the big move after she graduated from Grad school. From School to home in Chicago to Ithaca, NY for her first job. I moved to CA a month before so they couldn't find me!! After she landed in Ithaca, she was on her own!!

I don't think you are completely dead, maybe only mostly dead. You are too funny to be dead. Corpses don't generally make me laugh!

Lynn MacDonald said...

This is my Monday...and Wednesday. I'm too old for this shit. When I was in college I always got boys to do this crap for me. What's up with these girls?

Take two drinks and call me in the morning!!!

Brian Miller said...


i only laugh cause i know you cant get up and chase me to hit me...smiles.

JoAnna said...

i didn't have an elevator in my first dorm and lived on the 4th floor and was adjusting to nashville's heat blast that i got the second i walked out the door. my parents helped a little but seemed to be very busy with something and then they were sent away by very friendly upper classmen that were supposed to help us get our stuff upstairs. going all the way to nashville wasn't the plan every spring and fall, so i was on my own after that to figure out where to keep my stuff over the summer and how to get even more stuff back there in the fall! good times.

Mrs. E said...

Aren't kids just the best? My youngest did this to me in 105 temps in July. Down two flights in the morning (living room, kitchen, bedroom, and tons of clothes) and then up three flights in the afternoon. Seriously think I took a couple of years off my life! Hang in there.

MaryBeth said...

I won the lottery this year. Boy #4 got a dorm room on the ground floor! I also didn't have to do the heavy lifting because I had the pleasure of cleaning all the mold out of the bathroom and whatever that was in the kitchen sink. Not sure why but the form he had to fill out said that everything was clean - I wonder if the housing people appreciated my detailed list of things they didn't notice - like the 47 nail holes in the walls.
I should become a housing inspector!
It's bittersweet this stage in parenting.

noexcuses said...

I guess I lucked out a little! #1 son put his stuff in storage over the summer (worth it to me and my tired old body)! Then he transferred and moved into an apartment and never came back to live (just when he is really hungry). #2 could fit it all in his Cruiser (he is an Eagle Scout and knows how to pack light. Nos. 3and 4 commute, and saved everyone a bit of $$$. #3 is my shoe girl!

Just keep thinking of the quiet evenings you will have to contemplate the two or three Franks you're gonna have this year!

I truly wish you a happy and wonderful year at school!

Sue said...

My kids are a little bit older than yours. And I sadly have to say, it doesn't improve with age. Then if you are real lucky you get little grandbabies, and they have their own litte ways of torturing you! And you get to start all over again!! But even in all the torture, you gotta love 'em!

Take care, Sue

Scope said...

Wait, aren't your girls cute? Why aren't there boyfriends or cute boys from the mob a friends there to help out? Couldn't they bat their eyes and get some help.

Heck, couldn't their cute mom bat HER eyes and get some help?

Jenean said...

My husband swears shoes multiply. He accused the girls of having a shoe farm.....

Gayle said...

I'm tired just reading your post! Drink the whole damn bottle.

ShanaM said...

The things we do for the kids!!

Pseudo said...

Oh dear lord, you need a massage too I think.

And how's the Golden Boy?

Ellie Mae said...

Hahaha, I agree with Mellodee, you are too funny to be dead!
My oldest drove himself and his junk to college for his sophomore year this time! That was easy!! (for us) We, of course, have to, or are willing to, take some things he forgot to him as it is only 1 hr away.
I think girls pack WAY more stuff than most boys--and I have ALL boys...but I wanted a girl :)

Leslie said...

Oh no...this is my future...right?

LindaS said...

My eldest moved out to her college dorm at age 18, and hasn't been home since - totally self-supporting.

However, every time she moved (and it was EVERY year while in college - she kept switching roommates), she'd call me for assistance. In a dorm with NO elevators.

The other two went into the military. Just moved what they could put into a seabag or duffel bag.

Casey Freeland said...

When the bruises heal, you are going to get all teary and stuff.




Unknown said...

Is THIS what I have to look forward to as I get older? As the kids get older?

This automatically means they will be changing your diaper when you get old. It's like a law or something.

Bring on the vodka!

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