Will all frogs please line up on the right. (Let's be orderly about this.)

I’ve been to hell and back on more than one occasion.  I’ve felt the warmth of the devil's fingers as he reached out his hand to stroke my face.

In fact, I’ve been there enough times that I’ve discovered several different escape routes- none of which allowed me to flee unscathed. I’ve managed to turn, and run as fast as I can toward the sun all the while trying not to  look back. And while I’ve managed to make it out with my heart somewhat intact, my journeys from the home of darkness and despair have not been easy.  My blood and tears have lined the trails I’ve crawled upon, and the scrapes and bruises aren’t noticeable with the human eye.  But they’re here.  They will always be here.

I’ve come to learn through all of this that there are not many things I fear.  (Well, maybe roller coasters, anything to do with my children and the chance that we might one day run out of vodka, but other than that I’d say I’m pretty fearless.)

Save for one thing.

I’m afraid that maybe, just maybe, I might never find my true love.   And that notion is something that truly scares me to death.

But I know in this heart of mine, this broken, battle-tested, glorious heart, that if I’m not willing to take a chance then I have fought all these battles for naught.

And to not try- to not believe in true love, would be the most horrible defeat of all. 


Japolina said...

I used to feel this way when I was younger. I'm not new agey or anything but I read Marianne Williamson's "A return to Love" . The bottom line of the book is that you need to cast aside fear based emotions and embrace love based emotions.

I was reading it while I was dating my husband and once my perception changed, our relationship changed from bad to good and we have been happily married for over 17 years.

Good Luck and love to you vodka mom

crazymomof4 said...

you can do it vodkamom i know you can!!!

unmitigated me said...

Take it slow, Vodka.If he's the right one, there won't be any rush.

unmitigated me said...

However..since my word verification was "quaco," maybe you should ignore my advice!

Anonymous said...

Can't help thinking of Frank Sinatra crooning "Love is lovelier, the second time around . . . " - I'll hold off on the singing 'til you really feel its true, but, for those mow humming along, you can read more of the lyrics at www.lyricsfreak.com/f/frank+sinatra/second+time+around+the_10122399.html
VM, I hope you embrace the feelings as they come and see where it goes.
faithful follower

Gina said...

Take the chances that are presented to you. There's nothing like being out of our comfort zone to get the heart thumping faster. Sometimes when you're not looking and you least expect it.......

That gentleman's lady said...

Why are you scared of that Vodka? I understand being scared of not finding him, of not being able to take chances, of the fact that he might turn out different than what you thought he was. I understand the fear of losing him once you find him, and of being alone.

I understand many fears, but the fear of finding a true love, hmm. Why fear that?

♥ Braja said...

Oh Lord, do I have to come back there and babysit you and make sure you're not kissing frogs?!

RottenMom said...


Michelle said...

Vodka, please, PLEASE tell us you didn't write this after meeting up with Clint. I have such high hopes for your true love being the one from so long ago.

Brian Miller said...

a wise man once said, "And wuv, tru wuv, will fowow you foweva...' so hang in there buttercup...you'll find your wesley

Principled Slut said...

Risking yourself... trusting... opening up again... it's scary, I know. I think in time I'll be brave enough to take the risk. I hope you find that you are too.

Just Two Chicks said...

You're right, not to believe is accepting defeat. You know, I'll never forget my absolute lowest moments... they led me to do some dumb things... drink way too much, act way out of character, do things I should never have done with people I should never have done those things with, and... they led me to do things I would never have done, that had I never done them, I would never have found true love. Make sense? Good things come from our lowest moments as long as we learn, and grow from them, and trust me, I know you start to think, "I've given, I've learned, I'm ready!!! When is enough, enough?" Sometimes, you have to take a chance, a risk... I did, and thank God, because had I not taken a risk, a chance, I'd really be drinking, and my kids would be running wild! ;)

Angie Ledbetter said...

Jump on every real opportunity that comes your way . . . just be smart enough to leave an escape hatch open if it doesn't work out.

And always trust your gut. (You might ignore it, but it doesn't lie.)


PS? Sasha's mother called and asked me (no, told me!) to tell ya where you can stick your dumb X word assignment. :)

Love ya

Ann On and On... said...

Oh, but the best is yet to come.

I loved the post. You are a fabulous writer who can take what's in her heart and express it. Amazing!

flutter said...

YOU are your true love, anyone you find is icing to that

Becca said...

All you could do is BELIEVE!

I second to Ann, you really show your talent on writing. It's amazing! I really impressed of how you write like that.Actually, i'm aspiring writer.

Donna said...

There are so many things I love about reading your blog... this wasn't one of them.

How 'bout trusting that the meaning of life isn't to find someone else...but yourself?

Living singly isn't the same as living alone.

Certainly stay open to love and possibilities but allow yourself to recognize that there are so many more wonderful things the world has to offer than some elusive partner!

Elaine said...

Now THAT does it. This year after that wonderful parade in our quaint little hometown we will ride a roller coaster. It will be a small version of a roller coaster, piece of cake. Then we will have vodka. Plenty of vodka.

Notes From ABroad said...

My mother in law was married for about 100 years and her husband died. She remarried a few years later .. if she can do it, anyone can .. There is always someone out there waiting. Never forget that and remember, you will never see him coming :)

Kate Coveny Hood said...

Absolutely! You HAVE TO believe in good things coming your way. Because if you don't, then they won't. I've learned that you can always handle whatever comes your way - so if disappointment is a possibility, then you can just deal with it when you have to. In the meantime, expect more for yourself. That act, in and of itself will give far more power to the possibility of good things happening.

I believe in this 100% - just like I believe in you.

Melissa B. said...

I have just one little ol' piece of advice for one so knowledgeable and strong: When you get the chance, jump. And don't look back!

Vodka Mom said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Dawn said...

Oh :( I'm sorry to hear Clint didn't turn out to be the one. We love a good love story and we were hoping you had a good one to tell.

Eh well... I guess you have to kiss a few frogs first, right?

Maybe your younger self DID know what she was doing when it didn't work out the first time...

Keep the faith :)
Oh... and when you find that "dream guy" will you see if he has a single brother?? I could use a good man. :)

Vodka Mom said...

I have faith... As always...l..have faith.......

Joanna Jenkins said...

Big sigh-- I'm a firm believer that when you least expect it your Prince will arrive and your heart will sing. Mine did and yours will too.

And boo on Clint :-(

xo jj
PS I love, love, love the Frank pic. What a guy!

Cora said...

Amen, sista!!!!

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