Star light, star bright, I wish you'd grant my wish tonight. (Sleep...I just need some sleep.)

Most days I’m fine.

Most days when I wake up, I turn my head to gaze out my bedroom window and I smile. My heart is full and I look forward to whatever wonderful things the day might bring.

But the nights?  Well, sometimes the nights wait for me in the corner of my room like a jealous friend intent on turning what is right and sweet in my life into something horrible, painful and hopeless.  Those nights, the ones at the end of a long and tiring day, I lay my head on my pillow and I cry.  I think of so many of the challenges that I face each day, and my thoughts race.  My mind jumps from one problem to another, causing them to swell into something so painful that at times I can’t bear it.

I toss and turn until finally I lay my head close to my window and I glance longingly to the evening sky. My eyes dart towards the heavens searching the stars for the strength that I’m sure my departed loves ones are sending my way.  Surely they are still protecting me, guiding me and protecting me; surely.

But I suppose to them I’m like my own lovely daughters.  I’ve pushed them into the world hoping and praying that they can find their way; that they’re equipped with the strength and common sense to make good choices and to use life challenges to build their character and help them become the women they are meant to be.  My angels guided me along the way, and have apparently pushed me gently into my present and stepped back.

I’m stumbling a bit, on legs that I thought were strong.  But that’s what we all do, isn’t it?  However, at this stage of the game some of us have a loving companion walking beside us lending a hand and lifting us up.

And some of us don’t. 

Yes, most days I’m fine.  But on those nights when the moon shines her light into my window and wakes up my jealous friend, I’m not.

Oh hell, don’t worry.  Most days I’m getting better and better at telling her to pack up my troubles and get on her way.

Most days. 


Smart Mouth Broad said...


Brian Miller said...

yo. i send strength as well...



Kori said...

I hope you get some rest honey! Have a great week! Kori xoxo


Suzy said...

Unisom. I couldn't live without it.

booksandcandy said...

A week from today will be a whole year since my second miscarriage. I just looked at my husband and told him I don't want to close my eyes tonight. Most days are like yours I feel brave and ready to conquer the world, but at night reality sets in and I feel less brave. This week especially each night I close my eyes will get me closer to that dreadful anniversary. Thanks for writing tonight and making me feel less alone. Heck thanks for writing as often as you do and making me laugh.

Vodka Mom said...

BooksandCandy- I've had two miscarriages. And yet, along came Golden Boy. It all happens for a reason, my love. Sending great thoughts your way...

booksandcandy said...

Thanks vodkamom. Sweet dreams my friend.

Dorothy said...

Vodkamom, what I am learning is to "stay in my own energy". What does that mean? It means if you are living in the past or the future, or doing the what-if's or if-only's, or worrying about others, you are not in your present moment or your own energy. Pull back and feel. Take a deep breath. Appreciate your body, your gifts, your life. Then reach for a better feeling. One moment at a time hon. We live one moment at a time.
There's a bigger story going on and this life we live is basically a big play with each of us starring as the main character in our play and everyone else is a script holder. Each of us is here to learn and grow from this play of life.
I've read your blog for awhile now and have always wanted to pass on some things that might help you as your humor helps me.
Take what you need from this and leave the rest.
Big hugs. Know you are loved.

Gigi said...

Here's a big hug for you.

Vodka Logic said...

Bless you and thank goodness for your children and Frank and Sophie [I think thats her name] and we thank you for being here too. xx

Principled Slut said...

I know exactly where you're at. :( But in spite of the fears and stresses, we're still in a better place than we were WITH the companion, right?

Lyn Goff said...

Stay tough! I have such respect for the way you are working through these hard times.
ps- I also recommend talking to your doctor about Klonopin. It helped me get to sleep when I went through something similar.

Errin said...

Out here reading and rooting for you. And ps...its okay to still have "bad" days or nights errr....whatever :) Sometimes you need to let it out!

tera said...

Phew! That sounds like I could have written it! Ugh. I worry about every darn thing. It's hard sometimes to turn that stuff over to the angels, eh?
Well, I wish you sweet dreams more nights than not.
And peace. :)

Candy's daily Dandy said...

Oh girl, how I know those days you speak of well.

While I don't extoll the virtues of jumping into another relationship right away, I know that just when you are feeling good about things again, and those legs are feeling like solid Oak, out he'll come. and knock you off those sturdy legs.

This time you will be much wiser and much better. The most important thing I learned in all of it is to love myself, first.
Kids then yourself. You are worth it. Keep on having faith.

There ain't nothing wrong with a good cry in the dark by yourself, either.

Roshni said...

sleep tight..don't let the bedbugs bite! :)

Dawn said...

I *SO* could have written this post myself! Glad to know we all have each other in this wonderful bloggisphere to know we are not alone. HUGS!

Cora said...

I know exactly how you feel. It was just me for a long, long, long time, trying to hold the whole world together for my kid and myself, wondering what on earth tomorrow would bring.

I used to sleep with the blankets over my head, like a little kid, hiding from something scary. I just couldn't sleep if I wasn't completely concealed from the world.


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