6/13/12

"Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear." Ambrose Redmoon- you said it.


 
I don’t know how one goes about re-inventing oneself.  If I did, this process would certainly be easier than it has been.  I’m sure there’s a book somewhere, but I can’t read about someone else’s journey, when I’m sure I’m on a particular path of my own.  My steps and missteps are my own, and I have to be authentic in order to find where I’m destined to go.

I DO know that the first two years after a traumatic and painful divorce are certainly full of a plethora of emotions, events, trauma, drama, pain, love, healing, joy and wonder.  And then some.


I think it’s very close to traumatic stress syndrome, minus the horrific experience of war. 


I’ve spent so many days and nights healing this heart and soul and working so very hard to help those around me heal.   It hasn’t been easy, and I’m sure I’ve made many a bad decision along the way. (I have a particular talent that way.)


But that’s who I am, and who I will always be.  I learn from doing, and if that means I learn by doing some things in the completely opposite way than they should be done, then so be it.  I accept that particular birth defect, and revel in its teachings.  Oh sure, it might HURT a little now and then, but without pain I can’t possibly appreciate all  the joy.


I’ve realized lately that I lost that girl that I loved so much when I was younger; that girl who took chances; who went on adventures; who was brave, courageous, loving and joyful. The girl my parents were so very proud of, even when they shook their heads in frustration.  I can feel that girl's presence now as I think about what I want my future to be.

I hear her voice as I step out of my comfort zone, and I am pleased.  I have realized that in order to shape the life I have only dreamed of, I need to make it happen.  I can’t wait for things to land in my lap- I need to shake the damn tree, see what falls and grab it for all it’s worth.


And that’s what I’m trying to do.


I was invited to the wedding of a dear intern I had several years ago.  It was in Leesburg, Virginia, and I accepted the offer.  A dear friend of mine from junior high lives in Reston, Virginia, and I reached out to her before I left.  She replied with her typical enthusiasm, and mentioned that perhaps I might want to attend a little barn opening party at a senator’s house after the wedding. If I was so inclined.


Gulp.


Oh yes; oh YES I was so inclined!  


And when I stepped out of my comfort zone; when I reached out to friends that I knew would welcome me with open arms, I was treated to a weekend that I will not soon forget. 


Those details will come tomorrow, for I have a deadline that has passed, a column a few hours overdue, and one that will be an emotional one.  I may rock someone’s world this Sunday, and it won’t be mine.

(But the senator’s barn bash?  Absolutely Incredible…)





18 comments:

viridian said...

You have realized something important. You can feel the presence of that girl and that is a wonderful thing. I am afraid my girl is gone forever, and there are too many dark clouds between me and her.

ChiTown Girl said...

Oh, Sister, I'm SO glad to hear you're letting yourself live again. Really live. Good for you.

SkylersDad said...

I wish you luck stepping out of your comfort zone. I was never any good at it. I will be out here waiting to hear about it, and helping in whatever way that I can.

Vodka Mom said...

oh my friends, your comments lift me up- and help me find the courage to listen to the voice of that girl.


The one that I loved so long ago.



Thank you.

Sue said...

You know, you will get to where you are exactly supposed to be when you least expect it. Enjoy one day at a time and every little thing will be alright, even if a black cloud lingers over your head every now and then! Trust me, I know, I've been there!

Take care my friend,
Sue

Anonymous said...

A fantastic quote about courage that an amazing man chose as his motto as he battled leukemia. Sadly, the disease took Seth at the age of 13, but the quote still gives me chills every time I read it.

Vodka Mom said...

Anonymous- thank you. It means even MORE now.

wow.

Brian Miller said...

you were in my state and did not even tell me...sheesh...

i am glad you are stepping out...smiles.

Scope said...

To quote a more modern quote:

You
go
GIRL!

Jeff D'Antonio said...

As a graduate of the School of Reinventing Oneself, I wish I could tell you it's easy, but it's not. It's the difficulty of the journey that makes the trip worth taking, and ultimately the destination is determined by the twists and turns along the way. You learn as you go, you figure out what works and what doesn't, and you take the next step, for good or bad. The trick is finding the good parts and holding on to them with everything you've got.

Listen to that little voice inside. She'll tell you what to do, and experience has shown me that little voice is way smarter than you think.

Mrs. E said...

Yea you!! So happy...you are due!

noexcuses said...

I lost that little girl, too, but I have found that we can still talk through my writing. Your friends above have such wonderful advice. You have no idea how many of us are out there, and, who are cheering you on right now! Baby steps....

Anonymous said...

Oh my goodness! That's where I live! Well, pretty much...I live neither in Leesburg or Reston but I DO work in Reston! And I live just a few minutes from there. Perhaps we even saw each other and didn't realize (unlikely, but possible!).

Rainbow Motel said...

Reinventing is just another word for evolving. I'm in full support of it.

NotesFromAbroad said...

Oh little girl, this is good, I look forward to more happy news !
love you!

Anna See said...

you go, girl! so proud of you. and remember, if you are back this way, i'm here! i don't go to any fancy parties, but i will share a diet soda w/ you!!

Joanna Jenkins said...

Woo-Hoo!!!!! Way to go. I can't wait to hear all about it and i'm proud of you-- You have taken this journey with grace and humor. Onward!!!!
xo jj

Mimi Lenox said...

I can feel that girl's presence now as I think about what I want my future to be.

Bring that girl on out, Deb. She's all ya need.