It's not that I'm picky or anything, but....(aka don't call me, I'll call you.)

Dear Match.com,  

So we meet again.  I was hoping we wouldn’t, but after realizing that I had some time left on an old subscription, here we are; back together.   This time, however, after more than many emails and wink alerts, I’d like to take a minute to qualify things even further.  (And while I’m incredibly flattered by any attention, there comes a time when one has to be clear about one’s expectations.)

If you wear camouflage in each and every one of your photos, please don’t contact me.

If you misspell every other word in your profile and simply avoid punctuation altogether, please don’t contact me.  (Apparently you missed the part in my profile that said I was a t.e.a.c.h.e.r.)

If you’re a conservative Scorpio, don’t contact me. That’s kind of my kryptonite.  (I’m a teacher, democrat and a liberal.  Never the twain shall meet.)

If you enjoy camping in the woods with a real tent, no showers and no room service, I’m definitely not your girl.

If you don’t enjoy the sun, the beach or being outside, I’m probably not for you.

If you don’t have a job and have collected unemployment for lengthy amounts of time in your life, please don’t contact me.

If you’re twenty-something and you contact me you can be sure I’ll delete the email.  (Oh my Lord, there is something seriously creepy about a 28 year-old man who emails a 53 year-old woman. For realz.)

While I would certainly hope to find a prince charming - someone to take the rest of this journey with, this princess is perfectly content with the fact that she might have to rule this kingdom all by herself.

And that prospect is beginning to look and feel not so bad after all.


Brian Miller said...

dang it...the camping line ruled me out...and that i am already married...but dang...smiles.

you will or you wont and if not, if you are fine with that...all the better.

Marissa said...

So let me sum it up:
You want a real man with a real job who doesn't need or want a mommy; understands that vacation = high thread count sheets, roof over your head and a view of the water; stands out instead of blending in; and has an open mind plus open heart.

Have I been paying attention?

Babygirl got those boxtops in the mail yesterday, then I found one more today. Grrr!

Scope said...

Well, as long as he can have his shirt off and be standing by his beloved car/boat in his profile picture...

Thinking about it, I bet that would work better if a woman did it.

I really hope you find someone to share your adventure with.

(And just to be clear, SHE saved ME.)

Anonymous said...

"If you don’t have a job and have collected unemployment for lengthy amounts of time in your life, please don’t contact me."

How much of a snob can you ACTUALLY be? Good Lord.

Girl's Got Shine said...

This is amazing! I could have written it myself. I may have, even.

Anonymous would probably be impressed/amazed/mortified to learn that not only do I require men to be employed, I also require they have a car, and not live with their parents.

Marissa said...

C'mon Anonymous--you read the comments on blogs all of the time.
How can a man be unemployed for long, long stretches of time when there are so many opportunities to make money from home--large amounts, in fact!

VM isn't snobby--she just knows what she wants, and is allowing those men time to job hunt instead of mooching off of her. It's for their own good.

Plus, I think I saw a "been there done that" tee shirt hanging in her closet...just sayin'

Joanne Noragon said...

Everyone brings so much baggage to subsequent relationships it's a wonder it's ever sorted. Buena fortuna. Sounds nicer than good luck.

ChiTown Girl said...

That list is perfect.

Anonymous comments piss me off. NO ONE ever leaves a positive comment anonymously, do they?

Email me your address. I have boxtops coming out the yin-yang. I've been saving them for you FOREVER, but keep forgetting to get your address. Does your school also collect Campbell Soup labels?


Vodka Mom said...

I've decided that Anonymous obviously doesn't know much about me. He/she is either one of Tightwad's old girlfriends (ahem); one of his sisters, or some guy who has also sued his wife for spousal/child support and has probably been supported by HER for years.

Frankly, I just can't afford to support ANYONE else. There is a limit......#Cheezus

SkylersDad said...

Well now you just make me want to track down your profile and come up with the worst come on you have ever seen. Full of mis-spellings, a horrible picture I find on google images, and possibly some sort of a farm animal...

Lorraine said...

Don't you love it when people who want to call you names can't even own up to their own. Experience lets you set the bar to your standards - that's not snobbery, it's more like living with reality. You've had a good dose of reality and have learned by it. Bravo!

Gigi said...

You ARE the hero in this story - and don't ever forget it; with or without Prince Charming.

Bekah said...

I love this! Match.com drives me crazy. Can I add that if you email me and say "I seen you're profile and your pretty" I'm not going to respond. Please use correct grammar if you don't want me to thing you're stupid!

bekah said...


Joanna Jenkins said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Joanna Jenkins said...

"Camouflage" is definitely a deal breaker.

Sorry to hear you're back on Match :-(

xoxox jj

viridian said...

I am working with my daughter on taking care of herself and rooting out learned helplessness. Starting early.

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