1/2/10

The New Years Resolution Revolt.


Well people, it’s that time of year again and frankly, I’m sick of making promises to myself that I never seem to keep. I feel a bit like a politician, or Tiger Woods.

You know the same old promises. Ones like these:

1. I promise to lose twenty pounds. (Unfortunately, when I turn around and look in the mirror, I FIND them)

2. I promise to be a better wife. I will NOT put on my sweatpants and stuff (my uniform) every day when I get home from school; I will TRY to cook dinner each night and will arrange “meetings” that will keep us somewhat happy.

3. I promise not to yell at my kids. (Yeah, right. I laughed out loud when I typed THAT one.)

And so on. You get it.

This year I decided to make a list of promises that I am probably more capable of keeping.

1. I promise to gain at least ten pounds. (Hey Middleswarth- send me a few hundreds tubs of the bar-b-que. Pronto!)

2. I promise to let the hair on my chin grow until someone in my family finally has the nerve to tell me it’s there.

3. I promise to get in trouble at work as often as I can. (That’s always a good time.)

4. I promise to piss off my children daily. (It’s a talent. I should hold a workshop.)

5. I promise to fight with Tightwad about money, the kids, cleaning the house and how I always leave the gas tank empty.

There. I think that’s about all I can handle right now. I'm off to work on number 4, hold your ears people, it won't be pretty.



74 comments:

Straitjackets are Slimming said...

You can do it, girl!!

Coffee Lovers said...

Wonderful resolutions :) I always find my extra pounds too! ugh!

Found you through SITS!

Vodka Logic said...

Now those are resolutions I could keep.. let me know how it goes.

Happy New Year

Sheila said...

My sisters and I are making the same resolutions that we have made for the past 3 years:
1. We will remain caucasian
2. We will remain female
3. We will not have a baby

We CANNOT break those resolutions. If we do, it would be involuntary or impossible so we would make lots of $$!
My sisters with kids have the same number 4 you have.

Melissa B. said...

Number 4 is always on my list, too. Say, are you going back to school on Monday? Fun times!

Listen, She's Not a Kid Anymore

Vivianne said...

I'm with you on 1 and 4! Especially 4. I WAS going to make that my new thing for the year but that lasted all of 10 seconds. I like your anti-resolutions, you're keepin it real! Visiting from SITS.

Encore Bride said...

These are my kind of resolutions! Happy SITS Sharefest!

Sue said...

I like those. I may have to adopt them myself!

otin said...

You did like me and set goals that you knew that you could keep!! LOL

WeaselMomma said...

All of these resolutions will provide you with lots of fodder to blog about too! Yay for Us!!!!!!

Secretia said...

You are a real hero of mine!

Secretia

CatLadyLarew said...

Yeah, those seem doable. I salute you on your quest for resolution perfection!

apathy lounge said...

I think of you as a realist and this is a realistic approach to goal-setting. Besides...Christmas is a lousy time to try to lose weight. I'm determined to do so in January, though.

Mrs. K said...

yeah i already pissed my kid off yesterday morning- it didn't take long for us to ring in the new year!

i'm still thinking what to write for my new year post

Oh My Goddess said...

I'm good enough.
I'm smart enough.
And people like me.

I believe.
I believe.
I believe.

Mantras work.

Theresa Milstein said...

You're more ambitious than me. My New Year's resolution (as usual) is to refuse to make any New Year's resolutions.

Mrs. E said...

As a high school teacher I have to add one more:

I promise to laugh out loud at my students--it keeps me from killing them!

Mrs. E said...

PS. You're always a good time. I can always count on you for a laugh! (My daily medicine!)

Beth said...

Setting attainable resolutions is key to boosting one's self-esteem.

I resolved to eat more, too.

My husband resolved to annoy me more. Isn't he charming?

SkylersDad said...

I resolve to keep breathing in and out, should be a winner!

A Mom With A View said...

Now thats what I call positive thinking..keep it up..!!Happy New Year..!!

Helena Halme said...

I love it! Now you may have started a trend...Helena xx

Tamara said...

hahahaha now these are more like it!!! I can totally do these too!! Thanks for the reality check and a good laugh :)

phd in yogurtry said...

The thing about sweat pants, they're pretty easy to get OUT OF too. That's why we wear them.

CarrieAnn said...

I did not make resolutions this year. When my blog got me fired, I thought of you. I am in full support of your number 3!

Carrie said...

I'd LOVE if you'd link this to my Resolution linky... it's so perfectly witty and yet gives perspective on all these resolutions I must keep on breaking!

http://makinglemonadeblog.blogspot.com/2010/01/you-say-you-want-resolution.html

Stopping by from SITS...

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

I resolve to play deaf and koin the crowd at my house.

LadyFi said...

My kind of promises! I know you can fulfill these goals!

Aion said...

Love the list! #1 I can't keep due to high metabolism #2 My daughter tells me to shave daily lol #3 can't keep - I'm retired #4 Only one I can keep (yea!) I piss my children off DAILY lol #5 I'm the Tightwad lol
ROTFLMBO! Great Blog :)

Maureen@IslandRoar said...

Finally! Some resolutions I can live with. But since I have no partner to let down, I'll have to settle for pissing my kids off at least twice each day. I hope that doesn't mean we can't be friends.

Under the Influence said...

My resolution is the same every year: to not have a resolution. It makes me successful and confident from the get-go!

The Wifey said...

And I promise I won't condemn or judge you for those resolutions. Haha.

Twenty Four At Heart said...

XO Happy New Year. 2010 has to be a better year, because it can't be a WORSE year - right? : )

Craig Glenn said...

LOL Priceless!

but you forgot about supporting your local ABC so they reach their Vodka quota again this year.

Craig

Madge said...

I am making #4 my mantra for the year.

Brian Miller said...

i like your reverse logic here...may you break all of them in the new year! smiles.

Shell said...

Damnit, I did my resolutions the wrong way.

Steven Anthony said...

lmao...I had decided to not do resolutions, but after reading your brilliant way of doing them I may rethink it.. ;) as always you have made me smile

SexShoppingandGreed said...

I like the way you are keeping it honest and real!
Happy New Year!

Suzy said...

I think it's dumb to make resolutions because if you cant keep them (IF!) you feel shame-based. So we start the year off feeling bad about ourselves?

I've got plenty to make me feel bad about myself w/out adding the burden of promises I know I won't keep. So I've never made ONE resolution in the last 20 years.

The Rambler said...

"Arrange 'meetings'" was hilarious!!

I hate resolutions too.

Like A LOT.

:)

halpey1 said...

Like another commenter, I refuse to shave daily (I'm a man)... I work with five-year-olds... do they REALLY care if my face is smooth?

Lynn said...

Yeah, I had to give up making those promises, too. Last year I resolved to do 10 sit ups a day. Only TEN!!! Did it on day. Period.
Although we have all been busy with the holidays, isn't it nice to get back to our blogs?
Happy New Year!

Anna See said...

Awesome! Now those are some resolutions to look forward to!

Not The Rockefellers said...

About resolutions...in the past I've always said I couldn't care less about them, this year I am going to try and do just that.

Peace ~ Rene

Ladybird World Mother said...

I love you!! Will have those type of resolutions too... starting with open the fridge and eat. Lots. xxx

The Mind of a Mom said...

Oh I am so stealing your resolutions! I can keep all of those also :o)

Ironic Mom said...

Love your resolutions. Mine was to drink 8 glasses of water each day, which means I've spent most waking hours (and some sleeping ones) in the bathroom.

Regarding Number 4, I think I have a Masters degree in pissing off my children. They, however, have a PhD in Pissing Me Off.

Chris Mancini said...

Happy New Year! All of those resolutions make absolutely perfect sense. I honestly think the whole resolution thing is like Valentine's day; a marketing hook for Bally Total Fitness...

Carolyn...Online said...

Resolutions are stupid. You're just asking to lie to yourself. So I'm with you, commit to what you know you can do.

Although, you should add "Publish" to your list. Like on paper. For reals.

Madison said...

There you go raising the bar for the rest of us.

laughingwolf said...

i gave up on that foolishness eons past... happy 2010, regardless :)

Mad Woman said...

Well heck! Even *I* can manage resolutions like those! Great realism :-)

Far Side of Fifty said...

I gave up on resolution.. I call mine one word intentions..nut yours are much more realistic:)

Malisa said...

Just 10 pounds? Slacker!

Stacy (the Random Cool Chick) said...

Definitely resolutions that won't fall by the wayside. ;)

Happy New Year! :)

Zip n Tizzy said...

I can hear you all the way down here.
Can you hear me too?
Yelling is the only way my boys hear me I've discovered.

SweetPeaSurry said...

Oh my ... those are excellent crazolutions!!! I LOFF them!

Brightest blessings for the New Year!

Jeanne said...

They're not resolutions -- they're goals! And sound completely achievable!

BTW -- entries for the 2010 Erma Bombeck Writing Competition open tomorrow. (You remember, the contest I tantalized you with last year, only to discover it was on hiatus?) Details at the Raisin Chronicles tomorrow (or just Google the contest name).

Mommakin said...

I resolved to start smoking. Then I figure if I fail, people will still think I'm a success. Win/win.

Melissa B. said...

A Post Script, if you please: We need your help boosting morale over at Sx3. Thanks!

Definitely Not a Snow Job

Jack said...

Pissing off children is a parent's prerogative.

Captain Dumbass said...

Now those are resolutions I can get behind.

Mama B said...

I'm with you! Lets be realistic!

I included you in the Sunday Funnies! http://tinyurl.com/yekgl4e

JennyMac said...

These made me laugh out loud. Love your sassy wit.

Life with Kaishon said...

Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha! These are absolutely and positively PERFECT new years resolutions. I am adopting them as my own at once! Absolutely at once!

Fragrant Liar said...

Okay, okay, I'll make ONE resolution. I hereby promise to be present.

You would think that wouldn't be hard . . .

Elenka said...

Excellent resolutions, excellent.
Oh, it'll be tough, but hang in there. Set your goals and stick to them. These goals are worth reaching.

Gayle said...

Resolutions one can actually succeed at. I think you have a novel idea!

Magpie said...

Ah yes, the anti resolutions. Cheers!

Jane Ug-Lbc said...

HAHA I talked about Reverse Resolutions on my FB status, luv it!

This Eclectic Life said...

Slays me. I snorted coffee just reading this ...

Purple said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
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