This is what happens when a rookie parent volunteers in kindergarten. It isn't pretty. I have no idea whose turn it is.
I have no idea what to do either.
When your teacher was giving instructions I was frantically gesturing to my own child to stop digging in his nose, get a tissue, and follow up with hand sanitizer. It was a three-pronged interpretive mime that required all of my energy, and attracted none of his.
Count on your fingers. Actually yes, when you count that way 10-3 does look like eight. Use my hands. Do my nails always look like this? Go get a number chart.
Of course I can help you with your barrette. Can it go next to one of the other 72 barettes on your head? I didn’t think so.
I am smiling as I give you this high five, but note the fear in my eyes as your hand comes to greet mine from deep, deep inside your pants.
Buddy? Yes, you buddy. No, not him buddy. OF COURSE I KNOW YOUR NAMES, don’t be silly, you Silly.
I can help you more easily if you open your eyes.
Sure you can go to the bathroom, but where are you now?
Sweetheart? Your bottom is all the way out of your pants. Oh, it always is. Got it.
Yes I would love to hear your rendition of Billy Jean. Now would you like to hear my rendition of Billy Jean? I mean, lets focus on counting by fives.
(Ann will be sleeping for the next FIVE days as she recovers from her volunteering experience!!!)
46 comments:
Thanks Miss Vodka. An no, that is not a picture of me fyi.
Remember when people used to yell "FIRST" in blog comments?
Perfect kindergarten volunteer skill, along with "budging"
xo
Ah, I needed this. Thanks to you and Ann! Is it wrong to wish her a Happy Purim and Passover in your comments? xoxo
Oh, I love Ann! And this was so funny. What's with everyone calling little kids "buddy" now? I've noticed this at the library. I don't remember that from when my kids were young, less than 10 years ago.
Oh, and next time you use my picture, you should warn me...altho I do think I'm SO rockin' that hat.
lmao....I give props to anyone brave enough to enter a class room full of small ones, great post;)
I'd love to see Ann helping alongside Vodka in her class.
Yet one more scary (but funny) post about kids.
Now do it all again for your child in French Immersion
That's more than I did on my last trip to my son's kindergarten class. I just read DON'T LET THE PIGEON DRIVE THE BUS and they all yelled "NO!" at me over and over. It was such a hit we followed up with DON'T LET THE PIGEON STAY UP LATE.
The ladies in the school office complimented me on the interactive reading session.
Great post!
My biggest fear when volunteering in the classroom is glitter. Don't get me started.
Jenna
Reminds me of when I worked in Daycare. I used to try and be politically correct (before there was such a term) and say "Come on Folks" they thought it was funny calling everybody folks (better than saying Guys).
Lmao @ the "rookie parent" comment! Oh boy...I always made sure my Son's teacher thought I worked a fulltime job so I never had to volunteer! Lol...
I'm laughing at this one...I'm subbing today in a middle school class. (This is a prep period, I'm not ignoring the students!) I have to say that middle schoolers have a lot in common with the little ones. Student: "What rubber band Miss? I don't have a rubber band" Me: "The one you just hid under your notebook." At least I didn't see any of them with their hands in their pants!
This cracked me up.
Children can be frightening. I never quite know what to say to them. I'm usually all, "Hello...er...isn't that Elmo creature strange?" And most of them are all, "We're too OLD for Elmo. Duh." Okay then.
Kudos to all those who volunteer and help in the classroom. Let's give these teachers a hand. Cynthia
The trick is not to show fear, they can smell it.
Thank you, thank you for being a teacher. I couldn't do it, but I am so glad you do. Non-alcoholic cheers! Unfortunately, I have decided not to drink M-Th, and save cocktail hour for F-Sun.
This is why I volunteer for PE. I just have to keep them all in a circle and make sure they don't step on one another's hands!
I am surprised you haven't started training them with those zapping dog collars!
So real, so true, in first grade too.
lol. love it...we volunteer all the time in Logna's class...its always a riot...
Ah, the tiny-child classes.
Followed (in my case) with the FULL-BODY WIPEY.
*scrub, scrub, scrub*
Great post!
OMG been there, done that! I remember those days well even though i'd love to forget them..lol
Buddy... Silly... That's great! I, personally, use "Sweetheart". :)
We have dad volunteers...they are always SOOO tired by lunch! In fact, now that I think about it, MOST of them don't stay past lunch. LOL
so sorry to hear you only got TWO days of Spring Break...THAT is NOT enough to recover :(
Is it wrong to be thankful my kids are grown and I don't have to do that any more?
God bless you Ann! Surely you've earned a place in heaven.
"Buddy? Yes, you buddy. No, not him buddy. OF COURSE I KNOW YOUR NAMES, don’t be silly, you Silly."
That was my favorite.
Love it! I'm exhausted for Ann I can only imagine the constant chatter.
Ann, maybe next time you should volunteer for something easier, like pison missionary work.
It has to be good for the parents to see what the teacher goes through.
Secretia
LMAO! This is great. And also, dashes any hopes I may ever have of volunteering.
Oh my God this was fantastic!! Can't stop laughing...
Hilarious!!!!
So very, very good.
My kid's in a co-op pre-school so I'm there a few times a month. Apparently, I am the go-to "barf mom." Jealous?
Funny! Funny! Funny!
That's hilarious!! Only someone who has actually been in those unfortunate shoes knows how real this is, and how it's only hilarious after many days of rest... or when someone else reads it ;-)
My kid is in a co-op preschool, too. I confess that I never know whose turn it is. And I am OCD with the hand sanitizer. Thanks for the funny, Ann!
This is hilarious, and oh-so true. Kids are awesome, aren't they?! (And to be honest, it's not always the rookie volunteers that encounter these situations!)
Classroom volunteering is not for the meek. You captured the experience very accurately, so you probably didn't pay someone to attend for you, because you were frozen with fear. I mean, what kind of mom would do that? Uh, toast just popped. . .gotta go.
Holy Crap! That's me in a year and a half!
Is it wrong to show up in a hazmat suit?
So very true.
Who started all this "buddy" stuff? I remember first hearing it maybe 15 yrs ago? "Come on, buddy..
Didn't that used to be a dog's name?
Hilarious stuff. And me, right on the nose...
Thank you for the laughs...
Fantastic, Ann. You nailed it. (And you budged.)
I dont know if Im feeling nostalgic..or glad those days are over..well..I still got the hubs home, and some of his behavior are very similar...great Job Ann..Thanks Vodkamom
from the moment I stepped foot in a classroom as a volunteer I realized that more so than in any other field, good elementary school teachers are born and not made.
Ann over at Vodka's Mom's place. I'm trying not be confused. :-)
That was hilarious. Especially the hands in the pants. Yikes.
:-)
I really loved this wonderful blog. Please keep up the good work.
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