3/15/10

Volunteer in the Classroom? Whew- look at the time...

As Joe Cocker and the Beatles like to say, I DO get by with a little help from my friends...This guest post is from my good friend, Ann from Ann's Rants. (Thank you, my friend...) And she surely made me laugh...


This is what happens when a rookie parent volunteers in kindergarten. It isn't pretty.


I have no idea whose turn it is.


I have no idea what to do either.


When your teacher was giving instructions I was frantically gesturing to my own child to stop digging in his nose, get a tissue, and follow up with hand sanitizer. It was a three-pronged interpretive mime that required all of my energy, and attracted none of his.


Count on your fingers. Actually yes, when you count that way 10-3 does look like eight. Use my hands. Do my nails always look like this? Go get a number chart.


Of course I can help you with your barrette. Can it go next to one of the other 72 barettes on your head? I didn’t think so.


I am smiling as I give you this high five, but note the fear in my eyes as your hand comes to greet mine from deep, deep inside your pants.


Buddy? Yes, you buddy. No, not him buddy. OF COURSE I KNOW YOUR NAMES, don’t be silly, you Silly.


I can help you more easily if you open your eyes.


Sure you can go to the bathroom, but where are you now?


Sweetheart? Your bottom is all the way out of your pants. Oh, it always is. Got it.


Yes I would love to hear your rendition of Billy Jean. Now would you like to hear my rendition of Billy Jean? I mean, lets focus on counting by fives.



(Ann will be sleeping for the next FIVE days as she recovers from her volunteering experience!!!)



44 comments:

Ann's Rants said...

Thanks Miss Vodka. An no, that is not a picture of me fyi.

Remember when people used to yell "FIRST" in blog comments?

Perfect kindergarten volunteer skill, along with "budging"

xo

Sprite's Keeper said...

Ah, I needed this. Thanks to you and Ann! Is it wrong to wish her a Happy Purim and Passover in your comments? xoxo

Maureen@IslandRoar said...

Oh, I love Ann! And this was so funny. What's with everyone calling little kids "buddy" now? I've noticed this at the library. I don't remember that from when my kids were young, less than 10 years ago.
Oh, and next time you use my picture, you should warn me...altho I do think I'm SO rockin' that hat.

Steven Anthony said...

lmao....I give props to anyone brave enough to enter a class room full of small ones, great post;)

Suzy said...

I'd love to see Ann helping alongside Vodka in her class.

Yet one more scary (but funny) post about kids.

Trooper Thorn said...

Now do it all again for your child in French Immersion

Rick Daley said...

That's more than I did on my last trip to my son's kindergarten class. I just read DON'T LET THE PIGEON DRIVE THE BUS and they all yelled "NO!" at me over and over. It was such a hit we followed up with DON'T LET THE PIGEON STAY UP LATE.

The ladies in the school office complimented me on the interactive reading session.

Jenna Alexander said...

Great post!

My biggest fear when volunteering in the classroom is glitter. Don't get me started.

Jenna

CaJoh said...

Reminds me of when I worked in Daycare. I used to try and be politically correct (before there was such a term) and say "Come on Folks" they thought it was funny calling everybody folks (better than saying Guys).

Homesick Cajun said...

Lmao @ the "rookie parent" comment! Oh boy...I always made sure my Son's teacher thought I worked a fulltime job so I never had to volunteer! Lol...

#1Nana said...

I'm laughing at this one...I'm subbing today in a middle school class. (This is a prep period, I'm not ignoring the students!) I have to say that middle schoolers have a lot in common with the little ones. Student: "What rubber band Miss? I don't have a rubber band" Me: "The one you just hid under your notebook." At least I didn't see any of them with their hands in their pants!

WhisperingWriter said...

This cracked me up.

Children can be frightening. I never quite know what to say to them. I'm usually all, "Hello...er...isn't that Elmo creature strange?" And most of them are all, "We're too OLD for Elmo. Duh." Okay then.

Beatnheart said...

Kudos to all those who volunteer and help in the classroom. Let's give these teachers a hand. Cynthia

Captain Dumbass said...

The trick is not to show fear, they can smell it.

The Pipster said...

Thank you, thank you for being a teacher. I couldn't do it, but I am so glad you do. Non-alcoholic cheers! Unfortunately, I have decided not to drink M-Th, and save cocktail hour for F-Sun.

Zip n Tizzy said...

This is why I volunteer for PE. I just have to keep them all in a circle and make sure they don't step on one another's hands!

SkylersDad said...

I am surprised you haven't started training them with those zapping dog collars!

Anne said...

So real, so true, in first grade too.

Brian Miller said...

lol. love it...we volunteer all the time in Logna's class...its always a riot...

Anna Lefler said...

Ah, the tiny-child classes.

Followed (in my case) with the FULL-BODY WIPEY.

*scrub, scrub, scrub*

Great post!

Micky said...

OMG been there, done that! I remember those days well even though i'd love to forget them..lol

Dawn said...

Buddy... Silly... That's great! I, personally, use "Sweetheart". :)

We have dad volunteers...they are always SOOO tired by lunch! In fact, now that I think about it, MOST of them don't stay past lunch. LOL

Dawn said...

so sorry to hear you only got TWO days of Spring Break...THAT is NOT enough to recover :(

Joanie M said...

Is it wrong to be thankful my kids are grown and I don't have to do that any more?

God bless you Ann! Surely you've earned a place in heaven.

Kate Coveny Hood said...

"Buddy? Yes, you buddy. No, not him buddy. OF COURSE I KNOW YOUR NAMES, don’t be silly, you Silly."

That was my favorite.

Frau said...

Love it! I'm exhausted for Ann I can only imagine the constant chatter.

WeaselMomma said...

Ann, maybe next time you should volunteer for something easier, like pison missionary work.

Secretia said...

It has to be good for the parents to see what the teacher goes through.

Secretia

CaneWife said...

LMAO! This is great. And also, dashes any hopes I may ever have of volunteering.

Becky said...

Oh my God this was fantastic!! Can't stop laughing...

Tara said...

Hilarious!!!!

Lisa Page Rosenberg said...

So very, very good.

My kid's in a co-op pre-school so I'm there a few times a month. Apparently, I am the go-to "barf mom." Jealous?

ReadingRosie said...

Funny! Funny! Funny!

Elisa @ Globetrotting in Heels said...

That's hilarious!! Only someone who has actually been in those unfortunate shoes knows how real this is, and how it's only hilarious after many days of rest... or when someone else reads it ;-)

Juli Ryan said...

My kid is in a co-op preschool, too. I confess that I never know whose turn it is. And I am OCD with the hand sanitizer. Thanks for the funny, Ann!

Heidi said...

This is hilarious, and oh-so true. Kids are awesome, aren't they?! (And to be honest, it's not always the rookie volunteers that encounter these situations!)

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Classroom volunteering is not for the meek. You captured the experience very accurately, so you probably didn't pay someone to attend for you, because you were frozen with fear. I mean, what kind of mom would do that? Uh, toast just popped. . .gotta go.

French Skinny said...

Holy Crap! That's me in a year and a half!

Is it wrong to show up in a hazmat suit?

The Empress said...

So very true.

Who started all this "buddy" stuff? I remember first hearing it maybe 15 yrs ago? "Come on, buddy..


Didn't that used to be a dog's name?

Hilarious stuff. And me, right on the nose...

Thank you for the laughs...

Boy Crazy said...

Fantastic, Ann. You nailed it. (And you budged.)

Robin said...

I dont know if Im feeling nostalgic..or glad those days are over..well..I still got the hubs home, and some of his behavior are very similar...great Job Ann..Thanks Vodkamom

Margo said...

from the moment I stepped foot in a classroom as a volunteer I realized that more so than in any other field, good elementary school teachers are born and not made.

Lee of MWOB said...

Ann over at Vodka's Mom's place. I'm trying not be confused. :-)

That was hilarious. Especially the hands in the pants. Yikes.

:-)

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