How to piss off your children without being within MILES of them.

I came home from school yesterday a glittery, gluey, markery, exhausted mess.

Within ten minutes of my time of arrival I had not one, not two, but ALL THREE of my children not speaking to me. (And ONE doesn’t even LIVE here. It’s a talent.)

Sassy was furious because I happened to open a letter that was addressed to ME outlining the reasons why she MIGHT NOT be graduating, which MIGHT have something to do with the correspondence course she has continued to claim she is working on. Had I known that I wasn’t to open my own mail, I might have avoided that particular screaming match.

Bitchy was livid, and called me after her return from the orthodontist (conveniently located eight blocks from her dorm here at Oregon State) where they had just finished putting braces BACK on her teeth. It appears her retainer neglect and their negligence (last summer when she complained and went in they told her she looked fine and sent her on her way) had a disastrous result. It doesn’t matter that I spent 1 hour and ten minutes convincing them that there was no way in hell I was paying for braces a second time, considering the fact that we have paid them over $10,000 in the last 10 years, and are STILL paying them monthly while eating ramen noodles and hot dogs every other night.

Suffice to say they were convinced. (Or they didn’t want my loud DISCUSSION to continue to irritate the crowded waiting room.) Free braces.

The Golden Boy (not one to be left out) decided to throw in HIS five cents (inflation, people) and yelled at me because HIS FATHER wouldn’t take him to camp Thursday night when the adult boys were going. Tightwad told him that he could not come to fishing camp until after school Friday. I guess GB didn’t realize that screaming at your chauffer is NOT a good thing. (Fortunately for him, the prospect of a fairly quiet weekend had us out the door faster than $&*) through a goose.)

To top it off, the dogs continue to bark 24-7, and I am searching on line for a dog meat recipe that can be used with a grill.


Jules AF said...

Yikes.... I actually still wear my retainers to sleep every other night... And it's been 10 years since I got them off.

Alexandra said...

Thank you! I am going to use that retainer story to scare the crap out of my 2 boys.

I still wear my retainer, I keep the grills in the retainer case that's covered with Saturday Night Fever stickers, too.

Elenka said...

I soooo do know the feeling when a teacher gets home after teaching a day....total exhaustion. And then 3 kids harping on ya...you have my sympathies.

Anonymous said...

I used wear braces and then retainers but got so tired of the retainers i stopped using them and I guess I'm lucky that nothing happened.

Hope the weekend gets better!

anonymous educator said...

Dr. Dogmeat's homepage

Irish Gumbo said...

I once crushed up a pizza box with my retainer in it, unbeknownst to me...and it was on vacation...Mom & Dad were not happy.

Try a little lime juice and adobo marinade, might be tasty. I'm guessing, that is ;)

Lorraine said...

My son, now 29, had braces on twice because as the orthodontist told me - "the male head continues to grow as they get older" (didn't we know this? and you can imagine what was running through my mind as he spoke those words) and his teeth would continue to shift. The second time there was no charge but, of course he, my ds, did not use the retainer and now at 29 it would appear that he could use them again. Not my problem - he's got his own dental plan now. The DD was a little better at it, but she has a little bit of a snaggle tooth (I guess the female head doesn't continue to grow that much!) and she doesn't mind it - it gives her character.

Anonymous said...

Did not wear my retainer and 40 years later it truly shows. I'll send a pic if your daughter needs proof of what 'not' wearing a retainer does. ugh.

The Blue Ridge Gal

Michele said...

All of them not talking to you must of have for a quiet night. Yay You! This might be a strategy you might want refine.

Momma Fargo said...

LMAO. That was funny. I wonder if I can use it for my mother? LOL

Notes From ABroad said...

have you considered leaving the kids out at night and bringing in the dogs?
it might not hurt to use as a threat .. or have you done that already?
This was funny but not ... I had a Bitchy and a Golden Boy and the good news is that they do end up being a Lovely and a Treat.

Fun being a Mom, isn't it ? :)
You will really notice the fun when they don't live there anymore... then you will be so wishing you could do it again ( or at least, that is me )

Anonymous said...

lmao...girl you got talent;)

ps. when u find the dog recipe, please share...lol

unmitigated me said...

I think the solution with Sassy is just to tell her you will always love her, no matter how many times she has to complete 12th grade. Besides, that's another year at public school without college tuition. Win-Win, I say!

Mrs. E said...

If I'm ever feeling down, I just come here. Misery loves company!! (Who am I kidding? I come here every day! You, my dear, always make me smile!)

Anonymous said...

Well at least dog meat is cheaper than ramen noodles.

Vodka Logic said...

Can I have the name of your orthodondist.

Brian Miller said...

dog meat, ramen noodles and hotdogs...nope not coming over for dinner any time soon. smiles.

La Mere Joie said...

There are some vets that will do a debarking surgery. I am seriously considering finding one for our pup. The 4am howls are really starting to get under my skin. I gave up on my retainer years ago. My dentist says I had poor orthodondic work. Oh well. He has a nice Mercedes though.

Rachel Cotterill said...

Definitely a special talent you've got there ;)

Ellie Belen Ambrose said...

Man, I wish I had your life.

Heff said...

Being an EXPERT with a grill, may I recommend DALE'S STEAK MARINADE for dog meat ?

SkylersDad said...

Ugh. I spent 8 years in braces myself, I feel for you.

Anonymous said...

ohmygawd... this is sooooooo my future...

I only have 2 but I'm thinking it's my future..

ps - only a truely talented Mom could piss off 3 kids in 10 mins doing absolutely nothing wrong.

I bow to you!

Maggie May said...

Yes, oh yes. I have been there.


justmakingourway said...

Can I admit here that I actually still love ramen noodles? Seriously.

Just Words On A Page said...

Way to go:) You know I just told my son the other day that I was drivin the bus and he would never know the day I decide to take the bus and drive it off the cliff because YES I am just a little bit crazy.

You keep it up mamasan:)

Brian Miller said...

great column today too...i come from a teacher and an architect...who came from a seed man, the postmaster general, a fireman and a grocery store owner...which is obviously why i keep changing jobs...its in my blood. smiles.

Unknown said...

You should carry around a tape recorder and video camera at all times. You just can't make this stuff up and it would be great entertainment for the rest of us!

I think you should start a course titled "How to piss off your children without being within MILES of them." You would be rich!

I too loved your column. So interesting to learn about your relatives and how you are destined to be in one profession.

http://howtobecomeacatladywithoutthecats.blogspot.com said...

Ah, another relaxing evening at the Vodkamom house! (So rude of you to open your own mail.)

Lori P said...

Ooh, so there with the course (or lack there of) and the braces. Dog recipe? Pass it on when you find it.

Sherry D said...

I love it! Never fails to amaze me how dumb, ass stupid we parents can be. By the way, let the husband open the mail next time and save yourself some grief...or wait, it's fun to watch husbands being tortured by their teenagers. Never mind.

Joanna Jenkins said...

Yikes, I'm 52 and still wear my retainer every night. Glad the dentist saw the light and dint' charge you again.

Hope the rest of the stuff gets worked out so you can have some peace and quiet.....


Unknown said...

You know what sucks? Teeth are so damn stubborn. After YEARS of wearing the retainer, YEARS, I finally lose it and my teeth are all moving around. I hate teeth!

Fragrant Liar said...

Well, dear, looks like the kids are continuing to risk life and limb. I admire your restraint.

anymommy said...

That is talent. Forward that dog steak recipe to me, will you? I have a Great Dane puppy that is begging to be sirloins.

Barrie said...

I have a similar talent! Don't we just rock!?!

As Cape Cod Turns said...

You must have had a quiet, relaxing night with all 3 kids not speaking to you. Of course the dogs barking would have been slightly annoying....

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