Is my head spinning? Are you SURE? Cause I'm pretty dizzy.

What’s happening at the house of Vodka? WHAT’S HAPPENING?

On the stress meter (The one that goes to ten.) it’s about a THOUSAND.

It’s Tuesday, and here’s my to-do list for the week.

1. Finish all the seven page report cards for 25 children; their grouping sheets; their assessments; their math sheets, their language sheets; their writing assessments, their red folders, their portfolios and their placements for next year. In three days. Oh, and put together the plastic sand buckets/books/silly bands, and other various items I’ve bought them for their end of the year gifts.

2. Plan the menu and order the food for a graduation “open house” that I stupidly offered to have for Sassy on Saturday after her three hour long ceremony at the Oregon State University field house where she and 750 other high school classmates will begin their journey into adulthood. If anyone has the urge to take over the potato salad, cole slaw, deviled eggs and veggie and fruit trays that I plan on making while pulling an all-nighter on Friday night, give me a jingle.

3. Weed Wack anything that even REMOTELY looks like a weed in the billion gardens that I convinced Tightwad over the years that I NEEDED to maintain my SANITY. (Fortunately, I adore the “wild garden and wildflower” look. Unfortunately for my neighbors.) Then mow the five billion acres on the riding mower because I have NOTHING ELSE TO DO.

4. Try to forgive Tightwad for working 7 days a week for the past month and a half, and pulling an all-nighter last night during a CONCRETE POUR – because frankly the no-money thing is getting old.

5. Track down Sassy and explain that although she does not officially go to school anymore, she can SURELY do some chores around the house while her parents are WORKING to pay for all the various things she HAS TO HAVE for graduation and beach week. If anyone sees her land after that trip to the moon I sent her on, send her our way. She's got a mighty long to-do list.

6. Hide the baskets and tubs around the living room that hold the various mail, magazines, books, letters and bills that we like to ignore until the phone starts ringing off the hook. If I can’t SEE it, it’s not there. Hiding = Cleaning. Right?

7. Make the MEXICAN BEAN DISH that Golden Boy told me after school TODAY that he needed for their “country” celebration tomorrow. (I SERIOUSLY need a drink.)

Oh, and the last tiny matter that I must attend to before all else?

Try to heal my precious baby’s badly broken heart. (Bitchy isn’t so Bitchy these days.)

If I had a little magic wand, I would use it to show her that although these moments that appear the darkest are incredibly painful, they are often the ones that guide us in the direction we are surely meant to go.

THEN, I would use it to FINISH MY LIST.


Unknown said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

I think you do have that magic wand...a mothers love. ;)

Unknown said...

OMG you DO need a drink! If I was close to you, I would be there helping you . Or drinking Or drinking and getting in your way.. either way, I'd be there for you. I hope your family appreciates everything you do for them.. You are a WONDERFUL person (that 1st comment was mine, I was logged in under a different account)

Gayle said...

The best part about it all is that succeed or not, by Sunday it will all be over.

Sue said...

Just reading your list made me stop for a second and go grab a Corona! Wow, how exhausting! Don't you hate when our baby's hearts are broken. Sometimes I think we feel worse than they do, you know? Take a deep breath, relax, and go grab a drink! I promise that you will feel a bit better!

Take care, Sue

Brian Miller said...

whew...at least you cant say you are bored...her heart will heal...until next time...

Kim said...

Good luck with that list!! I'm going to have to go to bed now....I'm tired after reading it ;o)

Angie Ledbetter said...

#1. Sorry, Teach, ya gotta do this one.
#2. Amend the invitation to say POTLUCK and/or get Subway $5 foot-longs and cut into small slices. (I've done this. It works great!)
#3. Put Sassy on the mower or call of the soiree.
#4. "...forgive us our trespasses..." (Repeat as many times as necessary.) :)
#5. Re-read #3.
#6. Right! (The dryer, washing machine, tub and dishwasher make excellent storage. Sassy can haul the leftovers to her car's trunk.)
#7. Umm, bean dip is not picnic fare. Send a checkered table cloth.
#8. Blow up a photo of Bitchy's ex and use it for the graduation soiree's pin-the-tail-on-the-ass game!

Hugs & prayers, and you know it will all get done, for thee is SUPERWOMAN!

PS Set your comment posting thingamajig not to let comments over 2 days old post without approval. That'll get rid of all those spammers!! :D

Angie Ledbetter said...

#3. Or even..."call OFF the soiree..."

Joanie said...

My kid's been nicer lately too. I bet MY drama beats out YOUR drama!

Maggie May said...

I'm terrified of the broken heart. WHen that happens to my Dakota, I fear for him, seriously. There is nothing like a teenage broken heart.

Meanwhile, get to it woman!


Anonymous said...

I'll tell you what you should do, Mrs. V. Make yourself a drank and tell everyone else to tank. You need time for yourself before you pop into a bazillion pieces.

And a "Mexican bean dish" for country day? Did someone get the assignment mixed up? Oh, wait, maybe that's country as in a Country, and not kountry with a 'k'. That would mean anything fried in lard.

Anyway, take a moment for yourself lady. I hear Calgon can take you away.

Kate Coveny Hood said...

Oh poor Bitchy. I remember that so well - being young and broken hearted. The first time was the worst. Then eventually I became cynical and of drinking age. Much easier then. Stay gold Ponyboy!

Anonymous said...

#1 Can you enlist the help of anyone? Any 5th grade teacher looking to keep their students busy the last couple of days? Sometimes they can be great helpers and they can certainly fill those buckets for ya!

#2 I'd help if I could - but I second the Subway idea! That's my plan for graduations here!

#3 Get one of the kids to do it. Sassy can. Threaten to cancel the party. It may not be done perfectly but it will be done.

#4 hang in there. Remember he LOVES you or he wouldn't be doing all this to provide for you and the kids.

#5 "Sass! Get in there and do your part young lady! Jeepers! Get responsible! They're doing this all for you after all! Show a little respect girl!" There! Usually I scare kids with that speech!

#6 If I can't see them they can't come due right? Top shelf in the hall closet behind the board games is a great spot too!

#7 As for the Bean dish. In my house Golden boy would be told that I don't do overnight, so he would have to deal with it.

And my own #8 -- GET A DRINK!!


Captain Dumbass said...

Enough posting then, you've got work to do.

TeacherVoice said...

Get ready, set, MULTITASK!

WeaselMomma said...

I suggest that you look in the garage for little mice and make cute little outfits for them. Then they can help with the to-do list.

Anonymous said...

If I didn't live in a Muslim country I would send you a case of Smirnoff... really, I would...

http://howtobecomeacatladywithoutthecats.blogspot.com said...

Do all that AND mend a broken heart? You poor woman! You have my sympathy. At the same time, I have a feeling you'll get it all done and do it in style!

Mrs. E said...

*sigh* I'm exhausted just reading this list. Hugs to Bitchy. "This too shall pass"-- though it sure as heck doesn't feel like it!

Alexandra said...

Even remembering my first broken heart, brings a lump to my throat.

Oh, the hours of tears.

Your sweet daughter, I'll send healing vibes her way.

Anna Whiston-Donaldson said...

WOW!!!! That's a heck of a to-do list, VodkaMom.

SkylersDad said...

Can I come over and drink and get in your way with dizzblnd?

Carrie B said...

And I thought my list was long this week!

Good Luck!

Deb said...

-->Tell Bitchy the well kept secret to healing a broken heart is to do house and yard work.

My Mom used to tell me as a teen that I'd get more sun working outside than laying around. I fell for it ONCE. She still says it though 20 years later.


crazy ramblings of a tired mom said...

your a much nicer mom than I am. GEEZ that a lot of work!

♥ Braja said...

That was a completely vegetarian post. I'm SO proud of you :))) Now go and have vodka...

Joanna Jenkins said...

Phew! I think you need two drinks! Good luck with the chores and have fun at graduation!
xo jj

Anonymous said...


SweetPeaSurry said...

Hey you, yeah you lady, the one with the Wodka in hand!!! Has anyone ever told you ... you've got a full full plate!!! Jeez ... and I thought I had it bad chasing flies on crutches!!! HAH! Just a bit of humor to spice up your day. You'll get it all done, and feel really accomplished for doing it. Oh and yes ... HIDING = CLEANING!!!

noexcuses said...

Hi, I just came over from the Fifty Factor. Your "To-Do" list cracks me up. Isn't it grand how sarcasm makes us feel so much better! Good luck on your list. We finished up with our two grad parties a week ago, and I'm still alive. You can do it, do it, do it!!!

Thanks for putting a smile on my face today!

peewee said...

hiding DOES =cleaning. Always. Becuase even my cleaning lady does it!

Suzy said...

And we all wonder why today kids have this warped sense of entitlement. GIFTS FOR THE END OF THE KINDERGARTNER YEAR?

You have got to be fucking kidding me.

Suzy said...

I'm sure all the teachers do this gifting, didn't mean to say you were the one fly in the ointment, but I'm sure you're just following along with tradition.

It's a bad tradition. Teachers are underpaid and overworked. No 5 year old needs a gift from a teacher. Wait until they get to college.

Cookie said...

Your mojito is waiting here!
I also do the "hiding" when I clean. Unfortunately my kids have also started doing the same :S

Mrs4444 said...

I'd be happy to help if you lived nearby, because of course, my school year ended last week! heehee

Good luck!

Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...


anymommy said...

I'd lend you mine, if I had one!

As Cape Cod Turns said...

When you find that wand and you've used it, could you send it here? I have a few people I want to turn into toads :)
You will do it because you are an amazing MOM!!! And of course hiding=cleaning, just don't forget to dig it out within the month so the bills get paid (speaking from experience here).
Take a few days off from blogging, we will all still be here when you return!
Hugs to Bitchy!

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