8/2/10

What's that you're hiding under your shirt?


It was Saturday night. I was comfy cozy in my nightgown, standing in the kitchen cleaning up when Bitchy walked in.


“What is THAT on your BACK?”


I didn’t know what she was talking about, and she reached up and started poking at something beneath my shoulder blade.

“It’s a HUGE lump on your back. Gross!”

As most of you know, yelling is not an uncommon occurrence in our house, but this particular commotion caused the troops to rally. Each person felt the need to poke and prod this five THOUSAND pound bump on my back. After employing an amazing Elasta-girl technique, I managed to actually locate the lump.


It felt pretty big.


I tried not to panic, and this morning called my doctor to have it checked. Fortunately, they took me right away.


“It’s called a lipoma,” Dr. SmytheJones said. “Basically, it’s a fatty cyst. And it’s pretty big.”


“Great. It couldn’t be called something like ‘hot middle-aged woman' cyst.”


“A sense of humor! That’s good.” He said, as he smiled and filled me in. Tomorrow I have a sonogram to determine if the cyst is close enough to the surface to allow the procedure to be done in the office, and then we will schedule the "dig".


And frankly, since he felt the need to say fatty, ultrasound, middle-aged and surgery, I think I’m going to insist upon a little lipo and a lift for the twins. Then we’ll call it even.


The fact that I might lose about 10 ounces of fatty cyst? At this point ANY form a weight loss is a bonus.




61 comments:

Velma said...

Oh, man. Just what you need, huh? See you soon!

Gigi said...

Am totally convinced the guys (and they are guys) that come up with the names for these ailments aren't married. Good luck tomorrow - will have you in my thoughts.

Erika Jean said...

Do your self a favor and DON'T YouTube people taking care of their own cysts!!

My friend had one "dug" out, she said it stunkkkk!

Rene/ Not The Rockefellers said...

your genius just can't be contained any longer, it's finding any way out :)

Relax...everything's gonna be fine

Peace Rene

Brian Miller said...

got you in my thoughts and prayers VM...you will do fine...

Just Two Chicks said...

Ughhh! I have one of those too! I went to the doctor a few months ago for this nasty "bump" on my arm. It's not big, but a bit bothersome at times. He told me the same thing, but said I didn't need to have it removed unless I wanted to. I opted out on that for now. :)

SkylersDad said...

Those things are a piece of cake to remove, so don't worry about...


Mmmm, cake!

Now where was I?

The Boob Nazi said...

A cyst? Yikes.

Michele said...

I've got one of those on one of the twins. Not one doctor has offered to dig it out. I'm not even sure I'd let them. I need all the help I can get.

NadiaEcho said...

Oh man, that doesn't sound to good...

Scope said...

Would "Back B(.)(.)B" be better?

Casey Freeland said...

You should let it grow. In a couple of years maybe it will become sentient. Then it can be your cyst sista. (That joke was not funny enough for the lengthy set up. Just pretend I didn't say anything.)

Casey

Susan Higgins said...

My husband had a really big one on his back ... He visualized it draining. It did with some coaxing... It went away. That was a few years ago. I gave him reiki over the site, every one can do it, we all have the power to heal when we believe that we can.

Good luck with what you decide, do what feels right to you, but weigh all options.

Amy said...

I use to have a fatty cyst in my head.. I called it my Unicorn bump, had all my brats (7) conviced, I was a unicorn with magical powers.

Kate Coveny Hood said...

My neighbor gets those (I've seen one on his arm). The most important thing is that they have nothing to do with cancerous tumors! On the down side - I guess that backless dress is out for the BlogHer parties...

Vodka Logic said...

Good luck.. and they may have yelled but at least the kids are looking out for you...... I think.

WeaselMomma said...

I hope this is taken care of quick and easy. Good luck.

A. K. said...

The twins! You man will be excited to hear that

Birdman said...

Hey, this isn't going to be the latest 'weight-loss' diet craze, is it? You might have stumbled onto something. Well, think positive. Lbs are lbs!

Elizabeth said...

Hopefully there's valium involved somewhere in the ordeal. No worries. Good Luck!

a Broad said...

Did the doctor mention that After having a fatty cyst removed you are unable to do the following ..
1- do dishes
2- cook
3- vacuum
4 - cook
.......?
Best of luck, from someone who has had a variety of Things cut off my body- I hope yours goes as easily as mine. And no scars !! although that is a location where it would not really matter.. <3

Empress Bee (of the High Sea) said...

he really said "dig"? nice of him. at least he didn't say gouge, right?

smiles, bee
xxoxoxoxoxoxo

or ream. ps

Cora said...

"Fatty cyst" - I think I would have decked him!

Or at least burned him with a glowering "I know you are but what am I?"

As Cape Cod Turns said...

I will make sure not to pat you on the back when I see you.
Sorry about that, just what you need, another thing to worry about.
But yay for a 10 oz weight loss!

Anna See said...

Oh my. Glad to see your daugther is watching your back.

See you soon!
xo

Otter Thomas said...

Good luck with the procedure. I had a couple cysts cut of my leg a few years back. They called them fibrous tumors or something like that. I am sure it will be no big deal.

noexcuses said...

It really helps to be able to laugh about it, doesn't it? I'll be thinking about you. Keep us posted!


"what hump?"

Kathy's Klothesline said...

I am glad that Bitchy was paying attention! Wonder how long it has been there? Wonder why no one noticed it sooner......... and I am right there with you with the lipo, etc. I asked for a tummy tuck to accompany my gall bladder removal. They laughed, I was serious!

Joanna Jenkins said...

I yiyi, it's it's not one thing it's your daughter. So sorry VM. Hope it's fast, easy and pain-free. Then again if you get the bonus surgery you mentioned I want one too.

I'm cheering you on.
xo jj

jessica said...

in addition to the cyst removal you can do The Fat Smash Diet. i'm not a dieter but i am an eater and just lost 20 lbs (i thought 20 lbs would look a lot different!! i'm happy and feel good but i thought i'd look like kate moss and i don't!) It's so good and sensible. i guess i just needed someone to tell me what to eat or not eat (even though i know already) and i actually got through it and if i can do it you can too!!
p.s. i eat like a 4 yr old- mac & cheese and potato chips so the diet was def hard for me but i did it and i feel like the jehovah's witness of the fat smash because i tell everyone i know about it!

Ladybird World Mother said...

How very dare he say Fatty. Honestly, you can tell a man made all these words up. xx

only a movie said...

Good luck with it, VM.
I had one last year and was sure it was skin cancer. Didn't get it removed, it's completely fine.

Missy said...

Hope it does not hurt! I had cort shots today and they hurt!

Anonymous said...

常常聽說很多男人大陸包二奶之後就不回台灣,
許多大老婆因為不敢大陸抓姦而整天以淚洗面!
其實大陸抓姦並非想像中困難;
現今很多徵信社都有大陸抓姦的服務,
因為台商家庭很多,大陸包二奶更成為常態性,
於是徵信社了解許多大老婆有大陸抓姦的需求,
紛紛在大陸各省設立分公司,提供專業大陸抓姦服務,
協助台商家庭解決大陸抓姦的包二奶問題!

Anonymous said...

合法女子偵探公司,提供優於業界的徵信服務!
專業女子偵探經過嚴格徵信訓練、專業法律訓練,
配合女性本身體貼細心的優勢,
女子偵探有信心能夠提供最優質的服務給予委託人!
把您的問題安心交給女子偵探
女子偵探優質徵信服務讓您更安心、更迅速的解決一切問題!

Anonymous said...

人家都說男人到大陸都會外遇包二奶
老婆淚眼說擔心他外遇
他了解老婆的擔心,只好用錢去彌補分離的缺憾
漸漸的,老婆的電話愈來愈少…
她說,她是怕自己太依賴
漸漸的,他知道其實是她有了外遇
於是,面對自己外遇的行為,他忽然覺得好過了些…

Anonymous said...

從來沒想過需要外遇蒐證
如果不是誤打誤撞的情形之下,我不會知道他的出軌....
鄰居因為治安問題,於是在大門口裝了攝影機,卻成了我外遇蒐證的工具。
那天我在家發現用過的保險套,我逼問他,
因為沒有事先外遇蒐證所以他打死不承認!
我想到鄰居安裝的監視器或許可以間接的外遇蒐證,調出影帶,
果真發現前兩天中午他帶女人回家!
這下他才無話可說;
沒想到沒有抓到小偷,鄰居的監視器反而成為我外遇蒐證的工具!

Anonymous said...

好友說懷疑老公外遇,於是我建議她從手機、發票、電腦中進行外遇調查
果不其然,從發票上的外遇調查行動上發現他們常去的溫泉旅店!
由於好友的求助,我和老公刻意製造在與對方在溫泉旅店巧遇的假象,
再由老公出面去好言相勸,也因此順利化解了可能的婚姻危機!
有所懷疑就要趕快進行外遇調查,不然事態可能會更加嚴重;
外遇調查真的需要技巧,後續解決更需要訣竅,
幸好朋友及時進行外遇調查與補救動作,成功化解了婚姻危機!

Anonymous said...

你打死不承認你的外遇,甚至出手打我,抓姦也要在床是嗎?
真的要抓姦在床你才肯承認自己的背叛?我想要抓姦
不僅僅是為了讓你啞口無言,抓姦也是為了要讓自己出一口氣!
我想要抓姦,我想要讓你知道,外遇不是沒有代價的!

Anonymous said...

從一開始她就知道,她只是一段婚外情
然而戰勝不了寂寞,所以即使是眾人不看好的婚外情
她還是寧願有個伴,即使自己變成婚外情中的角色。
剛開始她也是溫柔體貼的善盡婚外情的角色,
然而時間過去,她愈來愈不甘心這段感情只是婚外情
她開始想要更多,開始要求更多...

Anonymous said...

如果婚姻是一場賭注,讓婚前徵信協助您漂亮獲勝!
金玉其外敗絮其中的爛蘋果讓婚前徵信為您揭發,
舌燦蓮花滿口謊言的愛情騙子讓婚前徵信為您戳破,
四處留情喜好劈腿的花花公子讓婚前徵信協助您免於受騙;
婚前徵信,美滿婚姻的重要關鍵!

Anonymous said...

通姦是否應該除罪化?一直是眾人所關注的話題。
目前僅有少數國家認為通姦是犯罪的行為,
即使在台灣通姦是犯罪的行為,然而若伴侶不提告,
那麼旁人亦無法對其通姦行為有所制裁。
通姦真的除罪化,那麼合法婚姻的權益與意義何在?

Anonymous said...

他有了外遇!淑惠想要感情挽回
但是看看鏡子的自己,十幾年的婚姻生活讓她變成一個黃臉婆;
這樣的自己,感情挽回會有勝算嗎?
想當初老公也是擊退眾多追求者才娶到淑惠的,淑惠明白自己是美麗的,
她相信只要好好打扮自己,想要感情挽回絕對會成功!
擬訂好感情挽回的計畫,淑惠先上了美容院換了個時髦的新髮型,
跟姊妹滔上百貨公司買衣服化妝品,把自己打扮的漂漂亮亮!
最後不僅順利的感情挽回,夫妻間的感情甚至比以前更好!

Anonymous said...

老公的外遇讓我傷心欲絕,甚至還逼我離婚!
不得已之下,我想到尋求徵信的協助。
徵信專員體貼的聽完我的故事之後,
詢問我所希望的解決方式;
不到一個禮拜,徵信專員就回報我相關訊息,
然後等到時機成熟,徵信專員還陪同我報警抓姦!
老公料不到我真的會抓姦,驚訝不已,
此時,我竟有種報復的快感...
還好我有尋求徵信的協助,不然傻傻的被外遇所傷還不懂反擊!

Anonymous said...

常常聽說很多男人大陸包二奶之後就不回台灣,
許多大老婆因為不敢大陸抓姦而整天以淚洗面!
其實大陸抓姦並非想像中困難;
現今很多徵信社都有大陸抓姦的服務,
因為台商家庭很多,大陸包二奶更成為常態性,
於是徵信社了解許多大老婆有大陸抓姦的需求,
紛紛在大陸各省設立分公司,提供專業大陸抓姦服務,
協助台商家庭解決大陸抓姦的包二奶問題!

Anonymous said...

合法女子偵探公司,提供優於業界的徵信服務!
專業女子偵探經過嚴格徵信訓練、專業法律訓練,
配合女性本身體貼細心的優勢,
女子偵探有信心能夠提供最優質的服務給予委託人!
把您的問題安心交給女子偵探
女子偵探優質徵信服務讓您更安心、更迅速的解決一切問題!

Anonymous said...

人家都說男人到大陸都會外遇包二奶
老婆淚眼說擔心他外遇
他了解老婆的擔心,只好用錢去彌補分離的缺憾
漸漸的,老婆的電話愈來愈少…
她說,她是怕自己太依賴
漸漸的,他知道其實是她有了外遇
於是,面對自己外遇的行為,他忽然覺得好過了些…

Anonymous said...

從來沒想過需要外遇蒐證
如果不是誤打誤撞的情形之下,我不會知道他的出軌....
鄰居因為治安問題,於是在大門口裝了攝影機,卻成了我外遇蒐證的工具。
那天我在家發現用過的保險套,我逼問他,
因為沒有事先外遇蒐證所以他打死不承認!
我想到鄰居安裝的監視器或許可以間接的外遇蒐證,調出影帶,
果真發現前兩天中午他帶女人回家!
這下他才無話可說;
沒想到沒有抓到小偷,鄰居的監視器反而成為我外遇蒐證的工具!

Anonymous said...

好友說懷疑老公外遇,於是我建議她從手機、發票、電腦中進行外遇調查
果不其然,從發票上的外遇調查行動上發現他們常去的溫泉旅店!
由於好友的求助,我和老公刻意製造在與對方在溫泉旅店巧遇的假象,
再由老公出面去好言相勸,也因此順利化解了可能的婚姻危機!
有所懷疑就要趕快進行外遇調查,不然事態可能會更加嚴重;
外遇調查真的需要技巧,後續解決更需要訣竅,
幸好朋友及時進行外遇調查與補救動作,成功化解了婚姻危機!

Anonymous said...

你打死不承認你的外遇,甚至出手打我,抓姦也要在床是嗎?
真的要抓姦在床你才肯承認自己的背叛?我想要抓姦
不僅僅是為了讓你啞口無言,抓姦也是為了要讓自己出一口氣!
我想要抓姦,我想要讓你知道,外遇不是沒有代價的!

Anonymous said...

從一開始她就知道,她只是一段婚外情
然而戰勝不了寂寞,所以即使是眾人不看好的婚外情
她還是寧願有個伴,即使自己變成婚外情中的角色。
剛開始她也是溫柔體貼的善盡婚外情的角色,
然而時間過去,她愈來愈不甘心這段感情只是婚外情
她開始想要更多,開始要求更多...

Anonymous said...

如果婚姻是一場賭注,讓婚前徵信協助您漂亮獲勝!
金玉其外敗絮其中的爛蘋果讓婚前徵信為您揭發,
舌燦蓮花滿口謊言的愛情騙子讓婚前徵信為您戳破,
四處留情喜好劈腿的花花公子讓婚前徵信協助您免於受騙;
婚前徵信,美滿婚姻的重要關鍵!

Anonymous said...

通姦是否應該除罪化?一直是眾人所關注的話題。
目前僅有少數國家認為通姦是犯罪的行為,
即使在台灣通姦是犯罪的行為,然而若伴侶不提告,
那麼旁人亦無法對其通姦行為有所制裁。
通姦真的除罪化,那麼合法婚姻的權益與意義何在?

Anonymous said...

他有了外遇!淑惠想要感情挽回
但是看看鏡子的自己,十幾年的婚姻生活讓她變成一個黃臉婆;
這樣的自己,感情挽回會有勝算嗎?
想當初老公也是擊退眾多追求者才娶到淑惠的,淑惠明白自己是美麗的,
她相信只要好好打扮自己,想要感情挽回絕對會成功!
擬訂好感情挽回的計畫,淑惠先上了美容院換了個時髦的新髮型,
跟姊妹滔上百貨公司買衣服化妝品,把自己打扮的漂漂亮亮!
最後不僅順利的感情挽回,夫妻間的感情甚至比以前更好!

Anonymous said...

老公的外遇讓我傷心欲絕,甚至還逼我離婚!
不得已之下,我想到尋求徵信的協助。
徵信專員體貼的聽完我的故事之後,
詢問我所希望的解決方式;
不到一個禮拜,徵信專員就回報我相關訊息,
然後等到時機成熟,徵信專員還陪同我報警抓姦!
老公料不到我真的會抓姦,驚訝不已,
此時,我竟有種報復的快感...
還好我有尋求徵信的協助,不然傻傻的被外遇所傷還不懂反擊!

Anonymous said...

徵信協會為您解決各種徵信困擾,
徵信協會集結合優質徵信業者,以提升徵信市場為己任,
徵信協會提供法律諮詢、委託諮詢、糾紛排解等各項服務,
徵信協會監護市場、重視消費者權益,
徵信協會打擊不肖徵信業者,
任何徵信問題歡迎與我們徵信協會聯絡!

Anonymous said...

這麼久了,他過得好嗎?
這個問題在我心中多年縈繞不去,於是我找上徵信社協助我尋人。
我和他是大學同學,之後由於某些原因失去聯繫,
我把所知的資料全都給徵信社,希望徵信社能為我帶來好消息...
兩個禮拜之後,徵信社就幫我找到人了,很遺憾的是,他已經結婚了...
我不後悔找徵信社尋人,雖然難捨落寞,但是我還是很高興的知道他過的很幸福!

Anonymous said...

結婚、離婚、結婚又離婚...
陳經理喜孜孜的帶著他的新婚妻子參加公司聚餐
陳經理一直是身邊親友茶餘飯後的話題
這是他的第四任妻子
背叛似乎是總慣性
也似乎之於陳經理而言,離婚也能成為一種慣性
他總是因為外遇而離婚
一次又一次
當女人渴望名分,他就要求另外一個女人成全
他流連花叢,女人不因他的離婚紀錄而卻步
似乎卻總是認為自己能夠成為那個「特別的人」
結婚、離婚對他而言不具意義,只是一種手段
反正他總是能找到另一個傻女人

Meathead said...

Lovely. I have one on my shin. My doc called it a "fat deposit". I was like, "Dude. If that's called a fat deposit, what's the rest of me called?
Good luck and take care!

Sara said...

Fatty cyst? Really? That's the best they could do?

I choose to rename it a Beauty Nugget.

Joanie said...

Hugs!

And please let me know what you find out.