Teach your children well.

I made a promise to my children, and to myself, that I would not write about this painful divorce here.

I have tried to honor that pledge, but it’s been hard.

It’s been hard because this space has been the one place that I have always been me. I’ve shared stories from my childhood, my family, my friends, my neighbors and my children. I’ve shared the good, the bad, the painful and the glorious. I’ve opened my messy closet and let everyone take a peek.

I’ve shared me.

I know that there are many, many, many people out there who are going through their own kid of horrible pain – perhaps a divorce, a struggle or something even more horrifying; and I know that the troubles of others often make ours look trivial, or embarrassing.

I also know that – no matter what burdens we are carrying- those burdens still hurt. No matter how big, how small, how trivial or how devastating- they all still hurt.

I have wanted to take the high road. I intended to always take the high road. I’ve tried to keep some matters close to my heart and not say or do anything that I would regret.

The truth of the matter is? I’m human. I know, it’s a HUGE surprise, but I am human. I fall every single day, along with everyone else. I used to joke that I “@(#*” up every single day – because it keeps me humble. But it’s true.

Throughout this divorce, I’ve reminded myself that the one thing that helps me sleep at night is the fact that I love my children beyond measure, and each day I strive to keep their best interests close to my heart. I know deep in my heart that I would give my life for them- without a thought or a doubt.

I believe that children should be loved.

I believe they should be respected.

I believe they should be protected.

I believe they should be challenged, questioned, lifted, reprimanded, guided and loved in spite of what they do, and how they stumble. I believe they should know that their parents love them, and will fight for them no matter what.

I believe that they should know that the people who will always wrap them in love and protection are their family members.

And I pray that those particular people, who might in fact be reading this, remember that.

That these children, the ones who are suffering beyond measure throughout this painful ordeal, should be lifted, protected, loved and comforted.

That is what I pray for every night before I go to bed.

Well, that and perhaps a huge bag of chips.


Loukia said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Loukia said...

Much love to you. Children are the most precious beings and should be protected and loved and kept safe through it all.

Kim said...

I agree with you so strongly about the kids. Strength to you during what sounds like a very difficult time. Last night my three year old came down the stairs (we thought he was sleeping) while my husband and I had a heated arguement and sweetly asked us if we could talk quieter. I hadn't felt that ashamed in a long time.

Deb said...

-->Bless your heart. It will get easier every day for you and your children. It may not be easy but taking the high road is the best route to take. There usually isn't a lot of traffic either.

Rick Daley said...

I taught my son to pull my finger, does that count?

(You know you can always count on me for a smart-ass comment in an attempt to make you smile, except for the times when my own screwed up life keeps me from having time to read and comment for months on end. But I'm still here for you, promise!)

Mr. Halpern said...

So does this mean your finally single... for me? :) (Sorry, I couldn't resist)

Leslie said...

Holy crapples...YOU TOO? I'm in the middle of a nasty one too.

First, we birthed the same daughters and now this?

Well...and a mutual love of vodka...

Brian Miller said...

clap clap clap VM...

Diane J. said...

(((HUGS))) Glad to know you're human ;)

Sending a few prayers your way.

Christy said...

Sending you love, hugs, and prayers right now. You made me cry. And then smile at the end. You're so incredibly lovely and I hope after all the dust has settled you meet a man who supports, loves, and DESERVES you! xoxo

Sue said...

Divorce is just ugly, no matter how hard you try! Even 12 years later, and my kids are all grown, my ex "Mr. Wonderful still manages to hurt them by ignoring them and his grandbabies. I applaud those that have a "friendly" divorces, but I think they are far and in between. I wish I had some magical formula to make it all go away, but I don't, sorry. Just allow yourself to feel pissed off and crappy when you need to. After all, you are only human.

Take care my friend, Sue

Joanie said...

All you can do is take it one day at a time. It does get easier, but it takes time! I went to therapy for some time and it helped me tremendously! And just keep doing what you're doing! Your kids see it.

Joanie said...

Oh! And don't fall for the first guy who comes along.

And maybe not even the fifth!

Anna Whiston-Donaldson said...

This is heart felt and beautiful. You are in the midst of a huge struggle, and you are rising above! Your love of your kids is so evident, and that will be a strong rudder for them in the midst of this storm. xo

Just Words On A Page said...

I lurk mostly - You know I love the crap out of you. Divorce is really hard -- having been through one I can speak from experience. Just be you, and we are here for you all the way.

Maggie May said...

I'm listening and caring and cheerleading you and your girls onward and upward. Hang in there, you are doing awesome.

Gigi said...

Am sending you many, many hugs and much, much love. I can't know what you are going through - but as the child of divorced parents (and it wasn't nice) I can tell you - you are doing the right thing; always take the high road.....the children will appreciate that in the future.

DaphneB said...

Well said. My parents did not take the high road when they divorced and I still have terrible memories of my parents at their less-than-finest. (imagine what I missed, being that I was only 4!) Keep keeping your kids as your priority. Sending you lots of virtual hugs and chips!

Anonymous said...

Saying a silent prayer for you and your kids, and sending my guardian angel in your general direction (wherever that is...she'll know the way).

Mellodee said...

Although I have been married my whole life (some days it feels that way), I have seen many friends and family members who have gone through all kinds of divorces, bitter ones, angry ones, friendly ones, desperate ones, cut and dried ones.

What I have come to see is that in most all of them, the kids usually suffer the most (no matter what their ages), the wife has a harder time coping with divorce than the husband, and more often than not, the husband acts in irresponsible and unfeeling ways towards both his wife and frequently his own children. Other family members usually take sides along family lines, adding more emotional burdens. No matter what the issues, no matter who is involved, the one who comes out mostly unchanged is dear old hubby!

It is an awful process that is painful in the extreme and takes years to recover from!

Sometimes I wonder why anyone takes a chance on marriage at all.

citymouse said...

You're a good (and wise) woman. Sending you hugs tonight and believing with you for healing hearts and wounds.

Scope said...

Sending you all the strenght I can spare. (We're in a fight of our own, as you know.)

Anne said...

I hear you and I lift you all up... and now onto a funny...

Trying to teach first graders about inferencing and, as you can imagine, they aren't really getting it... so I say...

Imagine I went home today and when I got there my entire house was burned down... how would I feel?

Sweet little girls hand flies up in the air...

"I think you would feel sad, because your house is where you keep all your necklaces and jewels..."

I smiled and said, "Yes, that's right..." I wanted to add... and on that note... if my house has necklaces and jewels in there... I'd better go get them right now.

Maybe there will be enough and I can retire before I'm 80.


Keep your chin up. There is love!

J.J. in L.A. said...

Being a child of divorce (okay, I was 20) the worst thing you can do is trash your former spouse. S/he IS your child's mother/father.

Congrats for taking the high road, hon!

the mama bird diaries said...

What a beautiful post. Thinking of you. xo

Kyddryn said...

One of the more difficult aspects of my d-i-v-o-r-c-e has been to remain pleasantly neutral with my son when he talks about his father.

We at Casa de Crazy have not received the same courtesy .

It is not easy to keep my mouth shut. Heck, I've re-typed this one comment several times to try and be neutral.

If you need an ear (well, an e-mail, anyway), I'm here...

Shade and Sweetwater,

Unknown said...

Such a lovely way to share a bit of your heart and yet not dishonor your vow. My heart hurts for yours right now. I will add a prayer for you and your children to mine.

Carla said...

Reading between the lines here, and I applaud you for taking the high (and usually most difficult) road. It will be worth it in the end. My mother always told me, when someone else was belittling or bullying me, "Don't allow them to bring you down to their level." I have tried to live by those words, though sometimes it is extremely difficult. My prayers are with you.

duffylou said...

Taking the high road doesn't always mean your tires stay clean. It's hard to be a good example when life as we know it exploded to smithereens. Both parties should try to be the very best supportive parents they can be. Even when speaking to the kids about the other parent.

That was the hardest thing to do during my horrible divorce. Keep being a parent and being a wife separate issues.

Hang in there Vodka. Hopefully, whoever reads this, will figure it out. Before it's too late.

262mom said...

well just eff that. The same shiz that makes you feel bad in this place is the same that makes us feel bad about being working moms, using formula, an extra glass of wine, feeding our kids fast food, and everything else. And they are all making money off us because we feel guilty.....No one's anything is perfect!!!

Big Hugs !!!

Gayle said...

I totally get what you are saying. I so want to blog all the crap about my stupid-ass custody battle, but I know it can be used against me in court so I'm quiet (for the most part). Maybe when it is all said and done you can open up and let it out. I know it does help when we can.

Cozy Friedman said...

Sorry about the divorce. Maybe you could start an anonymous blog to write about the divorce so you could get it off your chest without worrying about privacy.

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry but applaud you for taking the high road. A friend of mine did the very same thing in the very same situation, encouraged her kids to see "you know who" if they wanted to..only he didn't want to and NEITHER DID HIS FAMILY. So hurtful. Like they never existed. Sadly after working very hard to complete college and teaching and reaching retirement age, yet still working, she died suddenly last fall. Leaving the now adult kids w/no one. I miss her daily.
And I send you and your kids hugs, love, positive thoughts and prayers. And continued encouragement to take the high road
Pretty sure my friend had Frank's older siblings in her HS classes!

Vodka Logic said...

Stay strong and I appreciate your views on your progress

Casey Freeland said...

Wait... you're human?


Hang in there. It may take years, but it does get easier. Usually the divorces are OK until one of the party commits to another person. Then everything goes to hell. It's pretty common.

Take care.


Anonymous said...

It does get easier. Really.

Liking that anonymous blog idea. Feel free to vent off-blog via email if you need it..


Dawn said...

I'm not gonna lie...biting your tongue when you have so much sh*t you want to say about him is NOT easy... but you children will see the high road taken...and follow in your footsteps.

Sodermoto said...

You are so strong. And that makes you a great mother to put your children first! I hope you continue to find the strength you need to get through this horrible ordeal. :)

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