Tweens, Sweat, Shaving and Vera. They DO go together.

(Courtney!! YOU WON!!  Email me asap so we can send you the goodies!! Thanks to all for entering!!)

I don't remember the first time I realized the true differences between boys and girls in terms of hygiene, but I do remember the smells.   If I were in charge of finding new ways to torture enemies on the battlefield, I would recruit a group of mothers and we would make a list that would enable us to RULE THE WORLD.

I'm talking about field hockey socks worn from morning 8:00 a.m until 6:00 p.m. during a field hockey tournament in the sweltering heat.  That'll  kill someone at 20 yards.   And boys don't have to do ANYTHING, and their smell is just as powerful.  Combine that with 50 ounces of AXE and we could conquer an army of Genghis Kahn's.  (Bare-handed.)

A group of moms recently hosted a discussion over at The Motherhood, and we listened, laughed, swapped stories and were encouraged by the many stories and insights we had in common!  (Have you ever been over? Go visit- they are amazing.)   It was hosted by none other than Rosalind Wiseman, author of Queen Bees and Wanna Bees, and Boys and Other Hazardous Materials.    The recap is here, if you would like to take a peek!

I am happy to offer one of you a glorious gift bag from Unilever, who sponsored this lively discussion!  In addition to samples of deodorant (gold, people) and Rosalind's BOOKS, you will also receive an amazing Vera Bradley Bag!

This contest will run until Sunday, and I will announce the winner at the top of this post that evening.

What is your job? Okay, here's your list of choices.  Do one, all or NONE.  And yes, you can enter as often as you like, and I WILL use the randomizer to choose the winner AS I ALWAYS DO.  I wasn't shouting, merely being clear.  It's my teacher voice.

1.  Say a prayer for Anna and her family, and go here to see how her Margaret is lifting them up.

2.  Read twenty of my old posts.  In random order.

3.  Take my dog for a walk, feed my cat, and send me a shipment of heating oil.  Apparently it's NOT free.

4.  Tell me a funny story about Show and Hell.   ("Are there any prisons or comets?" from yesterday.)

5.  Make me laugh.  Please.  I'm BEGGING YOU.  (Depression hurts.)

But the only MUST DO??  Visit the Motherhood.  Tell 'em vodka sent ya.


Vodka Mom said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Sarah MCW said...

Done! I'm a sub in your town, and I will admit - I'm curious and scared about the time I may fill in for you ;)

Anonymous said...

I will make you smile. Maybe. My 15yo son has become a big fan of Frank Sinatra. He loves to kick back and listen to him and just mellow. All he needs now is the fedora. He is obviously an old soul stuck in a young body. He even sings along..off key, but he knows all the words. :)

Mom24 said...

Ugh! I wish I could make you laugh. Sadly, I am not a funny person. :/

I will say that I really admire you, your strength, yes, even when you're not feeling strong. I hope you feel better soon.

The smell is unimaginable. Truly. Been there and done that and not-so-much looking forward to that part of parenting as son number 2 grows. The true horror is when you pick up a carload of them after practice though, yi, yi, yi!

Anna's story is so awful. It does make me hug my kids just a bit closer, and makes me care so much less about the small, stupid stuff.

MaryBeth said...

When boy #3 was going through puberty he rode home in the bed of the pick up - that is how bad he smelled after soccer practice. It's amazing to me that after 2 years that stopped. By the time he was 16 he was back inside the truck!
Praying for Anna - that Margaret is priceless!
Sorry but we are the faint of heart and we don't do show and hell.
Still praying for Bitchy!

Courtney Breul said...

My 13 y/o son was in the store with my 17 y/o daughter and reached for the AXE and she nixed it by saying, you need to smell like a man, not a boy! Use something else!

thanks for the chance.

Bubbles said...

Smells? You wanna know about SMELLS? How about the awful mucky scent that lingered for days in our van after picking up our 15-year-old Boy Scout after camping for two weeks in the Swedish countryside? Now THAT was a B A D smell! I just feel bad for the other occupants of the planes the boys all came back on... !

Wishing on a star said...

Prayer said and posts read. Teenagers are the torture devices of love...just saying. Have a great day!

Ellie Mae said...

Praying for Anna and family. Can't imagine...

Deb said...

-->My son started pre-K a month ago at a Catholic school. He came home and on his calendar it said he needed to keep his hands to himself. While in the car, he was pretending to read the paper and ignored my husband's question as to who he got into trouble with at school. My husband grabbed the paper and asked him again.
Troy said, "Daddy, Jesus doesn't like people who snatch things."
My husband said, "Jesus doesn't like little boys not answering their Daddy's questions either."

I just grinned and kept driving.

David J. M. Samson said...

I'm praying xx

A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention.

Four of them decided to leave, and walked out together. One said to the other three, "People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears, but we have no one that we can go to when we have problems." The others agreed.

Then one said, "Since we are all professionals, why don't we take some time right now to hear each other out?"

The other three agreed.

The first then confessed, "I have an uncontrollable desire to kill my patients."

The second psychiatrist said, "I love expensive things and so I find ways to cheat my patients out of their money whenever I can so I can buy the things I want."

The third followed with, "I'm involved with selling drugs and often get my patients to sell them for me."

The fourth psychiatrist then confessed, "I know I'm not supposed to, but no matter how hard I try, I can't keep a secret..."


Tracie said...

would love to walk your dog and feed your cat but I can barely keep up with my own! I completely understand the whole AXE thing...I have a 15 year old and we are always saying around my house..."the 15 year old took another shower...I can smell the AXE across the house"... and let me tell you, soccer socks after a day of a tournament are just as bad as those field hockey socks you are warning us all of...I promise you!

booksandcandy said...

Here is my show and tell /Hell story.

Well it begins with a girl bringing in dice that she found. "These dice are different though because Ms. M they have words on them and hearts" After taking a closer look at them I discovered they were dice to use in the bedroom. When asked what the words said I made up some crazy answers and then asked her to put them in the bag. I just let it go and didn't tell Mom. A few weeks later Mom said to me "ummm my daughter brought in something the other day, she found those in a garage and they were a gag gift" :)

ella said...

(this is my very first comment to your blog! :girlscream:)

I have something solemn and something that will hopefully make you laugh.

First and foremost, Anna and her family has been in my thoughts since I heard about her precious boy. I think I've cried more in the last couple weeks than the last couple years put together. God bless them during this nightmare.

And now for something humorous. This will involve sharing a fact that may fall in the TMI file, however in order to make you laugh I'm willing to lay it out there. I wear thongs - not sure I even own any other kind of underwear. My 8-year-old daughter is routinely in the same room as me as I'm getting dressed and has never said a word about why my underwear are a little different from hers. Until yesterday, when I hear this gem coming out of her mouth:
"Mommy, why doesn't your underwear have a butt?"

I'm still trying to come up with an answer if anyone would like to help.

Ingrid said...

Cleaned my sons room yesterday morning. Learned a valuable lesson. Assume all of the clothes on the floor are dirty. DO NOT SNIFF THEM.

Amber N said...

I'm not funny that is why I read you...but I am a former teacher and one of my favorite moments was when one of my students during a discussion about things families do together said "My mommy and daddy like to take long showers together" yep little ones are so honest and share EVERYTHING.

Becky J said...

I have two - one from each of my kids. My 12 yr old daughter is starting the teenage attitude. The other day my husband had to take them to school because they missed the bus. He had only been home a few hours as he had worked late that night. He was driving crazy to make my son laugh and my daughter got mad and said "You know Dad all you are doing is wasting gas" (girl after my own heart) and he looks at her and says "The whole trip is a waste of gas since you missed the bus and I shouldn't have to be driving you". She didn't say another word.
My other comment is: I guess I stress the importance of money a little strong in the house as the other day after soccer practice I told the kids that we'd stop at McD's and get one of their $1 sundaes. My son, who is seven and has become kinda a health nut, said he'd rather have a fruit smoothie instead of the ice cream. I said okay and then he asked if it cost more. I said yes, just a little. And then he said "That's okay Mom. I will have the ice cream to help out your checkbook." I cracked up. I love that boy!

viridian said...

Hugging my kids more after reading Anna's story.
The marketing dept. at Axe sure has done a great job reaching teen boys! Count my 13 year old as a convert.

Brian Miller said...

we are considering marketing my sons feet to the military...they may be the worse thing i ever smelled

Raquel's World said...

I have a four year old daughter and many other kids but she is the funniest. her funniest trait is she is always mixing up words.

She calls centipedes...antipedes
She call tampons....stampons
And the best yet is when she told me that at school they got a new ASSPAD. An Asspad I asked? yeah you know the thing with the computer that the mouse goes on (mousepad)

And look I just really really want that free stuff dammit.

DawnA said...

Stinky kids!! In the middle of winter I had to take my son and other players home from football practice. Windows down all the way! Very cold but certainly less stinky.
dawniawnie (at) aol (dot) com

Jessis said...

SO many hugs for Anna and her family ...

mitchiesmom said...

Wish I could make you laugh - I'll think about it and be back I'm sure! I've followed Anna's story - a real heart clencher to say the least. She's in my heart and prayers. The smell----driving to my son's football games from 5th grade through high school - we always brought his pads back - help me sweet Jesus, the smell!!!

fossette said...

Yesterday I was at my son's soccer game. He's in grade 1. There were many, many, many people there. He comes off the field, stops in front of me for a drink and says (at full volume) "Mom, why does your eyebrow sparkle?"

Turns out I apparently have a single grey hair in my eyebrow.


fossette said...

ps. I have 9 year old b/g twins and the aforementioned 6 year old boy.

I am scared. Very. Very. Very scared. I wonder if there is some nasal surgery I can do in advance to spare myself?

Anonymous said...

Ohhh the smells!!! I told my 10 year old to pick up his dirty football socks after practice on night, he stuck them in his helemt grrrrrrr!

GMGKnits said...

Adding my prayers for Anna and her family. I read your blog and read her story and didn't want to be a 'lurker' so hadn't followed her blog but revisied it today. Another punch to the heart as our family deals with a teen who forever pushes us away...

Ellie Belen Ambrose said...

I remember the first time I smelled a new smell never associated with my son before. I looked around the house, sniffing here and there. Then I finally sniffed right up to where he was sitting. Aha!

I cried a little in my heart. My baby was growing up.

My mom, in her infamous and outrageous style, asked him what else was growing under his arms besides odor and was it growing anywhere else.

The boy's eyes got big and he shockingly said, "GRANDMA!"

I'm praying now for all.

Mama Badger said...

1) Oh, hells. Margaret's comment was so funny I almost wet myself. Thank God Anna has her around to lift the mood.

Mama Badger said...

I read your posts when they were posted. In that order. You want me to read again? M'kay. It's slow around these parts.

Mama Badger said...

One of the kids in LGs class brought a bong to show and tell last year. It was her older sisters... Her sister had instructed her not to tell Mom. She said nothing about the whole class. The teacher told them it was a humming bird feeder. Apparently, that's what she told her Mom when hers was discovered.

Mama Badger said...

Little boy feet should be used to get information from prisoners (particularly sandals). Over the summer I had my niece helping me out one day. I asked her to change LG from his sandals to his sneakers to go on the playground. She took off one sandal and exclaimed, "OMG, I've never smelled ANYTHING this horrible, Auntie!"

Mama Badger said...

This morning at the dentist, they hygenist had a hard time getting little o to open his mouth. LG grabbed his hand and said, "Little o, show the lady how you sing like a sing a ma jig." He promptly proceeded to produce a beautiful "Ahhhhh!" and she quickly counted and brushed his teeth while laughing hysterically.

Mama Badger said...

Ok, last one. My BIL likes AXE a little too much. His grandmother told my MIL to ask him to stop hugging her. When my MIL asked why she replied, "Because he smells like a French whore and it rubs off on me ! I don't want people to think I wear that stuff." Ahhh, to be old and ruthless.

Button said...

Here goes:

Tuesday, my husband and I found out that we are expecting a little girl. When we finished at the doctor's office, I went by the high school where my mother is the librarian to tell her, and, at the same time, call my dad who was at work. (They have both known I was pregnant since July and were excited to find out what the sex of the baby was going to be. I had told her that I wanted to tell them both at the same time.) So, I call from my mother's office and ask my dad's secretary if he's available. I am am put on hold, and in a minute hear, "Hel-lo!" in a sing-song voice. So, I say, "You're going to have a GRANDDAUGHTER!" and my mother squeals with excitement in the back ground.

Upon hearing my statement and my mother's squeal, my father replies, "Who IS this???"

Needless to say, I had to pick myself up off the floor--that was NOT the response I was expecting!

luckeyfrog said...

I am a big fan of the Green Bay Packers, and all of my students know it. When I was in student teaching, one of the boys wrote a story for me. I live smack in the middle of Colts and Bears territory- and this boy's family was all about the Chicago Bears, the Packers' biggest rival. He wrote me a story about our teams playing, and his team beating mine so bad, and it was cute. But what really sold the story was the title-

The green day crackers.

b/d reversals and apparently mishearing the team name for an entire semester. I couldn't stop laughing.

jessicaj75@aol.com said...

i teach 2 yr olds. Not funny but knowing you're not alone is sometimes worth a million bucks.

Anonymous said...

Praying for Anna and her family...utterly heartbreaking.

Button, your comment was absolutely hysterical. I hope VM laughed as much as I did after reading it.


Lcrossey at yahoo dot com

Kyddryn said...

Praying. Also, I have read your entire archive, but not in a stalker-ish kind of a way, more like in an adoring, I wish I was that cool kind of way.

I would take care of your critters if you didn't live all the way over yonder - its a heck of a commute.

Why don't witches wear underwear? So they can get a better grip on the broom.

ShMy eight-year-old has discovered Axe and I am desperate for him to suffer sudden onset amnesia regarding that stench...faugh!!

Shade and Sweetwater,

Vodka Mom said...

I really AM LAUGHING out loud at these stories.

And this comment of MINE is for my friend who loves VERA. She is a TAD computer illiterate, so I am posting. I told her I used Randomizer, and would post a comment for her!!!

I love you guys.

ReadyOrNot said...

The deodorant would be great in my prize bin along with the samples of cologne, witches fingers and sticky eyeballs! My students will ask about the bag and I will tell them that it is all mine!
reddrnot2 at aol.com

Lynn MacDonald said...

Ugghhh...I think the shin guards were worse. I can always make you laugh!!! I promise

Cora said...

Saying many prayers for Anna!

Cora said...

I'm too dang tired to make you laugh. I just walked eight miles and my body is debating on killing me, I can tell.


But I can tell you that I almost got hit by a billboard the other day and I recreated the chaos with stick figures on my blog. Might make you chuckle if stick figures and falling billboards are your kind of thing. :-)

Anonymous said...

I always read your blog but this is my first comment. Everytime I need a laugh I think of this story:
I used to teach preschool and one day I was out on the yard with a whole mess of 2 year olds. Pretty soon i notice a crowd forming around a boy we'll call D (a young Frank if you will). All the kids are yelling and seem pretty excited about somethin D has in his hands. With a big and sarcastic "oh great" in my head I walk over to break up the party. Just as I am about to say something I look in D's hands and realize he has a mouse-A DEAD MOUSE IN HIS HANDS!! Before I even have a chance to do or say anything, D looks up at me and says, in his proudest, most big boy voice, "look miss stef-a-nee! Mickey Mouse!"

Hope that did the trick!

Anonymous said...

My 2 year old ran off with my phone a few weeks ago. I asked him who he was calling and he answered "Aunt Mimi." I didn't believe him but sure enough when I wrangled the phone away from him he was calling her. He even left her a voicemail.

Lately he's been telling us Timeout is broken too. He's a riot.


Mona Baker said...

i've done my job, enter me!

Japolina said...

I should win because not only do I have a summer keen sense of smell, it gets better every day as my middle age get worse every day. I live with two very stinky boys who both think that passing gas is the funniest thing in the world. Help!

MaggieP said...

Completed, homework DONE!!

Beth said...

prayers being lifted up...i cannot imagine. i have a son the same age. posts read also.

Anonymous said...

One of the funniest things I read...Don't hold your farts in. They travel up your spine and into your brain, and that's where shitty ideas come from.

LindaS said...

Done. I should win because I had a tough week:

- Evaluated, on a day that had a MAJOR girl-fight, just before she came in. Naturally, they couldn't concentrate, and it went downhill from there. She laughed it off (I think I like her!), and promised to come in again.

- Which she did on today. Good lesson plan, good class control, only problem - MAJOR Montezuma's Revenge. I was afraid to move, for fear that I'd get a brown stain down my pants. (Anonymous, I got a lot of shitty ideas today!)

- Interims were due on Monday - which meant Sunday was shot, grading.

- I'm developing major memory problems lately - not Alzheimer's, just stress-related. Had to return twice today for the same thing.

- We're broke this week - can't spend in anything non-essential. And I refuse to charge.

The only good thing? Today is Friday. Once I pack up the weekend work, I'm going to go home (60 minute commute), and pour a Margarita. And eat popcorn.

Shannon Ritter said...

You are RIGHT about those field hockey socks! WHEW.

Wild Child said...

that voice on me is called my "school group tour voice" because I work at a museum, you know. ;)

Cute bag! I have a budding middle schooler. He only smells after soccer still. Whew!

Alexandra said...

Oh, I will do a funny story. Just for you.

I promise.

I'll give you a shout when it's up.

Love you, Vodka.

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