8/2/09

Boys Stink (From the Lost Files...)


A while ago I received an award from my good friend the Captain. (And when I say a while ago, I mean a WHILE ago...) I was supposed to list things I’ve learned about boys, tag people who have boys or something along those lines. Okay, here we go:

1. Boys stink. (P.U.) I am NOT kidding you. I don’t care how many showers they take, how much Old Spice Spray they spray on (Me: “Golden Boy, you’re supposed to spray that UNDER your arms, not on your neck and behind your ears. Do NOT listen to your sisters…” ) or how much Axe they use; by the end of the day they still STINK. Do not open the door to my boy's bedroom unless you are wearing a gas mask.


2. Boys break all your *&@$. Golden Boy breaks everything he gets his hands on. That’s all I can say. And, as I sat here typing this, he broke a candleholder that was on top of the television and it shattered on the floor into a MILLION pieces. He’s shop-vacing it up as we speak.


3. Boys like to take things apart. Every *@&@ toy GB has ever owned has been taken apart. He’s taken apart his race cars, remote-controlled toys, his bikes, his skateboard, our toilet, his sister's cd player and my life-sized snowman. When he turned 8, he was able to put some of them back together. Luckily I put most of these items into Ziploc baggies in the hopes that SOMEDAY he might want to do that. (I'm not usually so brilliant. I must have been tipsy.)

4. Boys EAT ALL THE TIME. (He's grown an INCH AND A HALF since January. Is that normal? He just turned ELEVEN and is 5'3" and 140 pounds...) I simply cannot afford to feed him AND the boys from the trailer park down the road that show up to play in our backyard. Oh, all right, but just because they are so darn cute.

5. Boys are LOUD. cheeze-us. (I get just as annoyed as his teacher, except I'M allowed to tell him to shut up.)


6. Boys CANNOT keep their hands to themselves. They are constantly tapping, drumming, knocking on something, bouncing something, tackling someone and basically DRIVING their mothers, teachers and sisters MAD. (Dad's don't give a crap. I wonder why that is.)


I am tagging anyone who has boys.


So, here's what you need to do:

1. Holla at your boy...... (I've been waiting to say that since Project Runway ended...)


2. March their butts into the bathroom and show them how to put up the seat. And oh my God, have them wipe it off, first.


3. Find ONE shirt that doesn't have a stain on it.


4. Have them locate their shoes, take them to the laundry room and SOAK them in some kind of strong crap that will take out that smell.


5. Hug them very, very tightly, because THAT is the child that will never call you a f*@&*ing b*&@$.



86 comments:

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

Boys . . . I've got two. My favorite (not) boy sound is when they take the empty Kirkland water bottle and crush and straighten it repeatedly because . . . Wait, why the hell are they always doing that?!

AmyK. said...

I've got two boys too. I teach 4th grade though, and boys are such favorites. They keep me laughing and on my toes!

And the thing with the water bottle, Jenn? WHAT IS THAT?????

Boys are gross and messy...but they you are right...they always love mom ;-).

only a movie said...

That hugging thing? Are there other tips? Because I'm pretty sure I'm doing it wrong.

Love this post.

Congrats on 1001.

Beth said...

I do love being the mother of boys! You are absolutely right about the name calling thing. They just don't go there.

At least not out loud.

Waterstone by Lori Plyler said...

I have a 19 yr old and you have an 11 year old. The gas mask thingie is on target. FYI, the stick gets worse, MUCH worse. Just sayin
~lori

Melisa with one S said...

Holla at your boy! haha

My boys are 14 1/2 and 17, and they are seriously eating an 18-wheeler-sized amount of food weekly. Your readers would have a heart attack if I divulged my monthly food budget amount (which I won't, out of concern for everyone's health).

My boys only smell when they forget the deoderant, which is rare, thank goodness. :)

Waterstone by Lori Plyler said...

LOL! I mean STINK! A slip possibly?
~lori

Brian Miller said...

lol. yep they all hold true for the boys in our house...as far as the fragrance...you know you love it!

Lisa@Pickles and Cheese said...

Love this! Boys are all about the shoes. They don't care what they are wearing and you are right...everything has a stain on it and they always want a new pair of shoes. This thing is they always NEED a new pair of shoes because they don't stop growing...ever!

*Akilah Sakai* said...

You know, my little one is LOUD as all hell. He claims he wants to be a rockstar so he's always making music and beats up out of nowhere.

Sara said...

I don't have children yet, but someday, I fear that I will have seven boys.

God help us all.

Jan said...

I don't know about finding a single shirt without a stain - I'd settle for one with a whole collar. EVERY collar on EVERY shirt The Young One owns has been chewed to shreds. He chews on them while he's concentrating on something, or just absent-mindedly. He walks around with soggy lace around his neck ALL. THE. TIME.

Oh, yeah - and he SMELLS. Egads.

Jan said...

And ma'am, I seem to be conspicuous in my absence on your blogroll thingie since the redesign. Which is fab, by the way.

Suzy said...

One of my exes dropped his 13 yr old boy off at my house and about an hour later he used the bathroom and I heard the loudest crash in there.

I was doing standup at the time and had jacked a ROAD WORK AHEAD orange triange sign from the street and hung it in my bathroom as an affirmation.

As he was trying to figure out how I hung it, he crashed it. Now I only date men with little girls.

darsden said...

I was wondering what that smell was.. but wasn't going to be pointing fingers

Comedy Goddess said...

Does my boyfriend count, in lieu of a boy child?

The Half Assed Housewife said...

Boys are clueless. My 11 year old didn't realize that my neighbor that is 9 1/2 month pregnant was having a baby. He hadn't noticed anything different about her. He asked me why she was having a baby shower when Emmy is 3.

The Mind of a Mom said...

I have one boy and I have to say he was never like this, his father was always smellier then smelly!! LoL But the boy knows if you smell and look bad you are not a "chick magnet" hence needing to get him his own answering service line on the phone :o)

Janie at Sounding Forth said...

Okay.

Any advice for when they turn 21 & 28?

It's not any better, I promise.

SkylersDad said...

About the time hair starts sprouting out of our bodies in all the other places, we start stinking. It's like the tide or the rising of the sun, you can't stop it, might as well vent outside.

We take things apart to see what makes them work. It's how we discovered fire so long ago - you're welcome.

This applies to all men, except me, I smell like newly mown grass...

Donna said...

I don't have a son but I do have a grandson.He is enough for 4 boys.Always getting into something.Oh! Did I mention that he is 5 yrs. old? Well I don't care whether he is 5 or 21.They should know that the toilet seat goes up when you piss and goes down when they are done.And they need to flush.I have no idea what hes playing with,who,or in. Yeah,they do stink.Every night and every morning he gives me a big, a very big hug. And he's only 5.

♥georgie♥ said...

I concur i concur i concur...lol

Desert Songbird said...

Ditto, ditto, ditto each and every one of your observations. My son? To a T.

Mango Girl said...

Pitcher happened to come by for 15 minutes today; I did hug him.

All the BOYS turn into our husbands. Mine is sleeping on the couch because he is sick. He is a terrible patient. But I will hug him, too. When he is feeling better.

Jessica said...

when my boy isn't tapping he's jingling change in his pocket. i can't take it. i just can't.

Jessica said...

Oh how this makes me look forward to having children someday that could quite possibly turn out to be BOYS. Ugh.

Tortuga said...

Oh I loved this post! I felt each and every bit of it. My son just turned 11 in June, so I am right there with you!

A Mom on Spin said...

I guess - for once - I'm glad I have three girls!

Smart Mouth Broad said...

All girls here. *doing the fiesta dance* that I don't have to do this homework. LOL

Anna See said...

loved this! hugged mine tight just now. he's 10 and only weighs 50 lbs, yikes, but i'm hoping he'll have a growth spurt at some point.

just noticed 1002 followers! wooohooo!

Dee said...

Love the post. My twins stink too! sometimes I go in the bedroom and WHOO! WTH is that smell I wonder.

As for the hug thing. I do it all the time, love my hugs! <3

Brenda Susan said...

Do my 22yr old & 26 yr old count as "boys"? According to how they act? yep!

Irish Gumbo said...

Whew! Dodged a bullet in that one!

I am guilty of having disassembled far too many things, expensive things...(sorry about that train set, Dad!)

However, it has been many years since I have stunk. Yay me!

Captain Dumbass said...

I am a boy and I stink.

phd in yogurtry said...

As a mom to a boy and girl, the girl is louder. Way. Way. Way.

Sprite's Keeper said...

I think John would qualify for this too! Sure, I'm married to him, but he acts like an 11 year old sometimes. A few weeks ago, he just looked at a glass which was nestled securely in the drying rack and the damn thing flipped over and shattered. How does that happen? Because John looked at it!

wheelsonthebus said...

i totally don't mind little boys because i know they'll never be teenaged girls

linlah said...

boys move out but they never leave home.

Annie said...

My boy plays roller hockey, and when you get them all together in a stuffy field house it's just plain nasty. But he's funny in that he never takes anything apart and he's not the one who breaks things - that would be his sister...ok, ok, and me.

Mrs. C. said...

Wait, you forgot "Boys can't keep their hands out of their pants." I swear Jones was watching Spongebob last week with his hand tucked in his waistband. Looked like freaking Al Bundy. When I asked him why he said "Guys do that, Mom."

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

I think that boys should count as two dependents on our taxes.

Midlife Jobhunter said...

Tales of boys - I have them. Three of 'em. And you are right - none of them has ever called me a FB. Maybe they thought it, but never said it. If I hadn't had them, I'd never know that you can make a game out ANYTHING!

Maggie said...

I guess I need to get ready when the time comes and I have kids! LOL

Merynne said...

Oh my gosh! I am sooo with you on this! I had to buy AXE deodorant for my young man... he's SEVEN!!! I didn't know they started smelling that young! He doesn't just kinda stink either; Everyone notices! And even now he has to reapply half way through the day! What will I do when he hits puberty?! Maybe someone should invent time-release deodorant...

Merynne said...

I think I found the shirt, but it is dark red, so I can't be totally sure! ;)

mo.stoneskin said...

I hate taking things apart, have always been pretty quiet, rarely break anything unless SOMEONE balances a glass on the edge of the table or something, and smell like *ahem* a cool breeze. Am I really a boy?

Vodka Logic said...

One of my two girls is smelly, loud and gawd help you when you enter her room....

she does leave the seat down. lol

xx

WeaselMomma said...

I like this one and had not seen it before.

Maureen at IslandRoar said...

My boy is almost 22 and he still can't keep his hands to himself. He's a wrestler and a nudger and drives his sisters crazy!
(But he's really nice to me)

Kathy B! said...

Makes my four girls look like sweet little roses :)

McSass said...

You just perfectly described my brother!!! LOL I'll be forwarding this post to my parents. They'll need a laugh when they get home from Vegas tonight and see the nightmare they left me with....blog to be posted soon! lol

Fer*Cambe said...

Ummm Boys are obviously breaking everything so they can use creativity to make excuses or put em back together AND tap constantly because we're musically inclined.

After teaching middle school after recess I do have to just agree on the smell thing though...Terrible!

blognut said...

My son stinks, too! He smells like a dog fresh in from a rainstorm. And his feet? Well, they smell like kitty litter.

Really, it's disgusting, isn't it?

The Good Cook said...

Yup. Boys stink. They sure do. I have 3 boys and they all stink. And how about those bodily sounds that they find sooo amusing! On demanding burping .. how lovely is that?

But boys also love their momma's - never call you a bit$h, and think we're the best cooks in the world. I couldn't live without my stinky boys.

AND my oldest boy married someone who (admittedly) is just like me! How complimentary is that???

natalee said...

LOL!! funny im a new follower from sits love love love it!!! natalee http://totmama.blogspot.com/

Toddler Crafts Susan said...

hi,

Boys really love their moms they are very much affectionate to their moms.

manker said...

gads... now i know how my DH began :)

gp

Nanny Goats In Panties said...

Beautiful! And funny.

As usual!

I love being able to picture your face now when I read your stuff!

xoxoxo
- Margaret

Eileen, Founder, Organizer, Mayor and Chief Cook And Bottle Washer of the Anger Management Girls. said...

Being the only female in my house for the past 25 years, let me tell you......it ain't fun.
EVERY piece of furniture in my house is broken.
They still have wrestling matches. Even though they are 22 and 24 and 6'7 and 6'9".
And don't kid yourself, I've been called a f##$$** B##$$$ more times than I care to remember!

But life isn't that bad for me, I just spent a week at the beach with my cousin who has SEVEN BOYS. Oye......the stories I could tell.

Diane J. said...

Oh my, I have five boys. The noise level can be deafening at times and they leave a trail of clothes, dishes, backpacks, skateboards, helmets, shoes, and crumbs in their wake.

I wouldn't know how to raise a girl. I fear for my niece is coming over for a week, I really don't want to send her home corrupted from being around all these boys. What if she starts burping and tooting? What if she goes from being neat and orderly to messy and disorganized?

Although life is chaotic it's never boring. I love those boys. I love my hugs (and I still get kisses from the 8-year-olds)and they don't call my names (the worst I get is "this is soooo stupid," used in reference to some punishment or other. I could do without the Axe crap(can't they ban that stuff for clogging our noses?)

Diane J. said...

Ooops, sorry for all the typos...YIKES!

laughingwolf said...

lol... my li'l guy is now 24, and taller than i am, by about an inch!

Suzanne said...

I like the one about marching them into the bathroom....

The Stiletto Mom said...

Oddly enough, my Mr. C is the clean one. No smells...yet. He does however have a very big attitude all of a sudden...sigh...welcoming in the tween years....

The Mother said...

There has never been, nor will there ever be, a stink that can rival the testosterone soaked sweat of a pubescent boy.

Gods, they smell.

No solutions. I'm on my fourth, it doesn't matter how often they shower or how many loads of laundry you run.

They stinketh. Moms with boys younger than puberty laugh this off, at their own peril.

They stinketh.

Tracey - Just Another Mommy Blog said...

Lord help ANY child of mine that calls me an effing b!tch...

Justin eats ALL THE TIME. It is scary as Evan is 3 years behind him... I am in SO much trouble...

Twenty-Something said...

As a girl with 2 brothers I can say AMEN sister!

Melissa B. said...

6 reasons I'm grateful to be the Mama of 2 girls...although I KNOW that GB is a sweetie, I'll be he keeps you on your toes!

K-Teacher said...

Smelly? Febreeze..... one good thing about boys is that they are much easier to get along with than girls... no PMS is also a big plus. LOL

adrienne said...

Yep. AND they are constantly making the sound effects of something being blown to smithereens. It's always Douche! Douche! Douche! That one cracks me up.

I have to remind my eleven year old to hug me now, but at least he complies.

apathy lounge said...

Mother of three sons. Yes, they smell. They also LOVE their mom something fierce.

Zip n Tizzy said...

How RIGHT you are!

I was going to reply by #, but I'd run out of room.
Let's just say I agree, except that T got in trouble by both me and his dad today for being SO DANG LOUD! All friggin' day!

About the breaking things... Why do you think we still rent? Our house looks like a frat house. I try. I really try.

Gaston Studio said...

You hit every nail on the head about boys. I only have one. He's 36 and still guilty of some of those things.

MJS said...

My boy is still little enough to smell yummy. However, he has taught me boys need an audience for everything. Someone needs to be listening, watching, commenting, validating. Constantly. Pretty sure that's why God created cheerleaders. To give mommies a break now and then.

buffalodick said...

You want the toilet seat down? Do it yourself! I had two boys. Between the age of learning how to pee standing up, and the learning it helps to hold onto the hose while peeing, the toilet seat stayed up! A little boy type kid can hit the far wall of any room...

GypsyFox said...

LMAO...too true, sadly! I also have 2 boys, husband not included!

Gayle said...

Yep, they do stink. All.the.time. I'm sure they day is coming when my sweet little nine year old girl will start calling me names and I'll wish I would drowning in stink!

LadyFi said...

I have so much to look forward to! My boy is only 6 - but the smell from his armpits! Puh!

I think he's starting early...

debbie said...

i know what you mean... i grew 3 in 2 months one time. right now im 6'4" and im 15 and i weight 145 pounds. and i did like to take stuff apart and still do boys just like to see how things work. hey check my site out at http://www.geothermalquestions.net

SweetPeaSurry said...

I think I might be a boy, I was sooo stinky today after moving furniture. I love taking things apart. The seat isn't a problem for me as I live alone and there's really no reason to put it up anyway.

Hmmm ... okay ... I might be 'tom-boy'

He he!

Trooper Thorn said...

Teenage boys have two speeds: full and off. When my 15 year old is "on" there is no stopping him. When he is "off", I couldn't get him off the couch if his ass was on fire.

Barrie said...

I live with three of these creatures. Don't I get a medal or something?

AS Amber said...

My ten-year-old son stood up from the kitchen table this morning and he had a friggin' boner. Of course, I handled it well:

WHAT THE HELL??? IS YOUR WEINER HARD??? A HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!

Then I quoted my most favorite of all Seinfeld lines: "I don't know how you guys walk around with those things."

mochajavalatte said...

OMG the stench of the football cleat. Nuff said. *gag*

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