A while ago I received an award from my good friend the Captain. (And when I say a while ago, I mean a WHILE ago...) I was supposed to list things I’ve learned about boys, tag people who have boys or something along those lines. Okay, here we go:
1. Boys stink. (P.U.) I am NOT kidding you. I don’t care how many showers they take, how much Old Spice Spray they spray on (Me: “Golden Boy, you’re supposed to spray that UNDER your arms, not on your neck and behind your ears. Do NOT listen to your sisters…” ) or how much Axe they use; by the end of the day they still STINK. Do not open the door to my boy's bedroom unless you are wearing a gas mask.
2. Boys break all your *&@$. Golden Boy breaks everything he gets his hands on. That’s all I can say. And, as I sat here typing this, he broke a candleholder that was on top of the television and it shattered on the floor into a MILLION pieces. He’s shop-vacing it up as we speak.
3. Boys like to take things apart. Every *@&@ toy GB has ever owned has been taken apart. He’s taken apart his race cars, remote-controlled toys, his bikes, his skateboard, our toilet, his sister's cd player and my life-sized snowman. When he turned 8, he was able to put some of them back together. Luckily I put most of these items into Ziploc baggies in the hopes that SOMEDAY he might want to do that. (I'm not usually so brilliant. I must have been tipsy.)
4. Boys EAT ALL THE TIME. (He's grown an INCH AND A HALF since January. Is that normal? He just turned ELEVEN and is 5'3" and 140 pounds...) I simply cannot afford to feed him AND the boys from the trailer park down the road that show up to play in our backyard. Oh, all right, but just because they are so darn cute.
5. Boys are LOUD. cheeze-us. (I get just as annoyed as his teacher, except I'M allowed to tell him to shut up.)
6. Boys CANNOT keep their hands to themselves. They are constantly tapping, drumming, knocking on something, bouncing something, tackling someone and basically DRIVING their mothers, teachers and sisters MAD. (Dad's don't give a crap. I wonder why that is.)
I am tagging anyone who has boys.
So, here's what you need to do:
1. Holla at your boy...... (I've been waiting to say that since Project Runway ended...)
2. March their butts into the bathroom and show them how to put up the seat. And oh my God, have them wipe it off, first.
3. Find ONE shirt that doesn't have a stain on it.
4. Have them locate their shoes, take them to the laundry room and SOAK them in some kind of strong crap that will take out that smell.
5. Hug them very, very tightly, because THAT is the child that will never call you a f*@&*ing b*&@$.