Sometimes we have to reach way back for the strength we will need tomorrow.

I am reposting this for the hundredth time today, because I am in need my mother's love.  Some days I feel her arms around me, and can almost hear the whisper of her voice…if I listen very, very carefully.    

Her Name was AnnaBelle...

Dear Mom,

I’m getting really good at not thinking about you. In fact, sometimes I go many days without remembering the fact that you’ve been gone for over 25 years now.

However, when I saw on the news that Natasha Richardson had died -  the very same way you did, it shook me to the core. I remember when you fell in your kitchen, and had a terrible headache that night. They sent you home from the ER, and the next day you lost your sense of taste. On your next trip to the ER, they kept you and put you in ICU after discovering that hematoma at the base of your skull.  You didn't want anyone cutting into your head, and convinced them to try to dissolve it with medication. It wasn’t many days after that we lost you. 

You were 48 years old.

So, forgive me if I allow myself a little moment tonight to think about you.

I miss your incredible sense of humor.

I miss the way you would pretend to be on sit-up number 50 in the living room when I would walk in.
I miss the way you would pee your pants from laughing so hard on the phone with your closest sister, Aunt Shirley.
I miss the smell of fresh baked sour-dough bread.
I miss the way you would scream in horror in the middle of my beam routines in gymnastics. I knew it was you.
I miss the way you would scream at me when I talked back to you and never did anything you said.  (And now I can totally relate.) 
I miss the way you always made me feel special, valuable, intelligent, beautiful and strong.

Mostly, I just miss you.  

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m thinking I need to go back to Starbucks and let the girl at the drive-in window know the reason I was crying when I picked up my coffee today.

I caught myself off-guard with some tucked away memories. 


Brian Miller said...


Suzy said...

After my last surgery, in 2008, the surgery on my ankle, I fell on my head twice in my apartment because my thighs had weakened, once after a car hit me because he wasn't looking and once on the pavement that surrounded the pool in my old building.

After all the falls, I started to worry about the brain sloshing around and the fact that I didn't know if it was horrible or not. I thought about it constantly.

Then I took a header full stop on a sidewalk down the street. Blood, bruising, EMS, etc.

They did an MRI and I was ok. I couldn't help but realize that the final header was purposeful. Because without it I would never have had an MRI and never known I was ok.

There are no real accidents in life. It's all purposeful. When it's our time, it's our time and we'll never know why until we get to the other side.

Ellie Mae said...

Best wishes, vm. :)

Steph said...

Love your writing. Hoping you feel your mother's love.

Vodka Mom said...

Thank you Steph. And I do. I feel her when I need her the most.


Susie Demke said...

Should we all be so blessed.. Love to you Vodka Mom. Have a wonderful Thanksgiving holiday. Here's to beautiful and happy memories.

Jeanne Estridge said...

She still loves and misses you, too.

Lucia said...

A warm embrace and yeah I've done that too, driving to work thinking of my dad or sister in law and tears rolling down my face as I order my coffee at the drive thru. Sometimes these memories we have are like little waifs of smoke that seem to appear from no where. Lots of hugs today to you!

Mrs. E said...

I'm thinking Jeanne is right. I always remember that line from the movie "Little Women." "I think I shall be homesick for you, even in heaven."

MaryBeth said...

Blessed are we who have been fortunate to have had somethig so precious that it's loss seems overwhelming.

Misssing my mom too-holidays are hardest.


L.Duncan@Home23DuncanBoys said...

I have moments of this often... I think of my grandma. I miss her so much and sometimes I'll burst into tears out of no where. I think its good for the soul. I'm sending you a big virtual hug, my friend. Have a happy Thanksgiving and hug on those "babies" of yours.

Ivanhoe said...

Big hug to you from Ohio!

Hope you have a safe & happy thanksgiving :)

Mary Beth said...

What a beautiful post. Hugs to you as you cherish these memories of your mom.

That gentleman's lady said...

Hugs, Vodka

Sue said...

Sometimes those "tucked away memories" sneak up and bite us good and hard in the ass! As always, a beautifully written post about your Mom. Glad you have the memories, even if they bring some tears to the eyes from time to time!

Take care, Sue

quiltmom anna said...

Annabelle is a beautiful name for a lovely sounding woman. Our memories help our loved ones continue to live - they can be bittersweet- both making us laugh and cry. Those memories do have a way of appearing when are least expecting them.
I miss my gran often- she has been gone for 8 years now. She was a wonderful role model and I feel truly blessed that I had her in my life.
Wishing you a wonderful Thanksgiving.
Warmest regards,

D said...

This is an old post, but browsing through while catching up with you, I read it and can read through the lines (tags). I've been a reader since your beginning (I'm no longer in the blog biz myself tho and not around to read daily like I once was) and you've been my favorite ever since. I swear I think I'm your long lost daughter! Anyhoo... you're in my prayers and I hope for the best for you- you deserve it!