The top six things I’ve learned over the last four days in no particular order. (The number 10 is highly overrated.)
6. If the billion-dollar spiral honey ham is “pre-cooked”, do NOT put it in the oven and go for a two-hour hike up the mountain. Unless, of course, you wanted to serve ham jerky for Thanksgiving dinner; then you’re golden.
5. When you smash your finger in the door after letting the dog in and then you throw your head down in pain and SMASH it into the skull of your dog, you won’t even remember the finger. Trust me. (What’s my name again? And why is my nail purple?)
4. Do NOT text your helpful hunky neighbor by using the microphone key on your phone. Instead of texting “This is Shmebbie” it might say “Who’s your DADDY?” and send it to him before you have a chance to cancel it. Yeah. He and his adorable girlfriend are hiding from me right about now.
3. The college campus police station is cleverly hidden behind the new five BILLION dollar science building. However, if you take your daughter there to discuss a minor infraction, they might be impressed that she didn’t HIDE it from her mother and in fact had said mother help her replace broken brake lights that caused the problem in the first place. (Note to everyone else- it takes 92 days for a 19 year-year old girl to get pulled over with a broken taillight.)
2. If you use the stupid microphone feature AGAIN on your phone (cause you like to learn lessons many times over) you might text your friend that you “want a picture of Zac Ephron” instead of “I need a pinch of saffron.” And of course, it will SEND and she will probably laugh at you ALL NIGHT LONG. And send you a picture of Zac Ephron.
1. You know those huge tires that are on your SUV? Well, apparently you have to put air INTO them. If you’re blissfully unaware of this and your vehicle runs like crap, your DAUGHTER might remind you of this and take you to a gas station. When adding said air to tires that have 15 pounds of pressure, (which means absolutely nothing to me) she may lecture you about car maintenance until you look at her in wonder. When were our roles reversed? WHEN?
Some day I’ll know all there is to know. (But by then I’ll be too damn old to enjoy it.)