The only sure way to succeed? Shoot for the bottom.

In honor of all that is crazy, I have come up with this year’s list of New Years Substitutions.  I’ve devised a clever plan to ensure that I succeed in meeting all of my expectations this year.  (Keep ‘em low, my friends; keep ‘em low.)

1.     I vow to gain at least ten pounds this year.  I will eat only one of every sweet morsel left in the teacher’s lounge by parents attempting to fatten up the teachers.  (I’ve decided they plan to roast us at the end of the year. I’d rather be the one that they point to and say, “Naw, she’s a bit too skinny, she’ll never fill us up.)

2.     I vow to exercise less this year.  I don’t want to intimidate any future Prince Charming by looking so incredible that he’s afraid to ask me out.  (I might run a  .00000005 marathon.  But that’s IT.)

3.    I vow to engage in only one screaming-match a week with any one of my three children.  I might have to stop answering the phone when they call me at SCHOOL in the middle of the day and ask, “What are you doing?” (Jesus- I’ve been teaching for 22 years, what do they THINK I’m doing between the hours of 8:30 and 3:00?)

4.    I vow to go even further into debt while maintaining the ruse that I am succeeding all on my own.  I’m guessing another 5-10K would suffice.  (I’ll accept any and all credit card applications that come my way.)

5.    I vow to procrastinate on finishing The Book of Frank.  Who wants success, notoriety and a possible movie deal?  I mean, honestly, WHO NEEDS IT??

I also vow to only make lists that go up to five.  This year has kicked my ass so thoroughly that I’m too disausted to count any farther.

Happy New Year my friends!   May it be packed FULL of joy and laughter, cause you all deserve it.  (You’re golden, and you know it.)


Sue said...

I'm with you on all your resolutions except one! How can you only engage in ONE screaming match per week with any one of your three children? I would be lucky to apply that to my three kids to, let's say, one a day?

Happy New Year my friend,

noexcuses said...

I've been setting my expectations at a low point for most of my life. I am so successful, that sometimes I get cocky about it.

Have a truly great New Year, with new kidspeak to share with us!

What Gee thinks... said...

I love it! Aim Low! That way you aren't disappointed in yourself or others. Thanks for the encouragement!

Mrs. E said...

Shoot low-- terrific! Wishing you a better 2012.

Dawn said...

You deserve it too!! Happy New Year!!

Brian Miller said...

woohoo...burning the plastic...party at VM's...hehe...hope you have happy new year friend and cant wait to see the blessing pile up at your door this year!

Jen said...

Happy New Year VM and family!!
Now get that Limbo Pole out, i reckon we can go even lower than that!! LOL


ChiTown Girl said...

Happy New Year, my friend! May 2012 bring you health and happiness!

Elenka said...

Happy New Year Vodkamom.
A fellow teacher here...what happened to this vacation?
I was so looking forward to it, was going to do so many things, but now it's almost over. I don't get it.
Oh well, one day closer to summer vacation..
Best to you and hope you have a much better year.

NotesFromAbroad said...

Feliz Año Nuevo, besitos, love you, Candice

Japolina said...

Love. Love. Love. This post! Happy New Year VodkaMom!

Lyn Goff said...

Like your list and love your blog.

LindaS said...

Hang in there - at some point, the girls will not need to push you away so hard. At that point, you will all become VERY good friends.

I know - my daughters eventually made it to that point.

Good thing I didn't kill them before that.