In honor of all that is crazy, I have come up with this year’s list of New Years Substitutions. I’ve devised a clever plan to ensure that I succeed in meeting all of my expectations this year. (Keep ‘em low, my friends; keep ‘em low.)
1. I vow to gain at least ten pounds this year. I will eat only one of every sweet morsel left in the teacher’s lounge by parents attempting to fatten up the teachers. (I’ve decided they plan to roast us at the end of the year. I’d rather be the one that they point to and say, “Naw, she’s a bit too skinny, she’ll never fill us up.)
2. I vow to exercise less this year. I don’t want to intimidate any future Prince Charming by looking so incredible that he’s afraid to ask me out. (I might run a .00000005 marathon. But that’s IT.)
3. I vow to engage in only one screaming-match a week with any one of my three children. I might have to stop answering the phone when they call me at SCHOOL in the middle of the day and ask, “What are you doing?” (Jesus- I’ve been teaching for 22 years, what do they THINK I’m doing between the hours of 8:30 and 3:00?)
4. I vow to go even further into debt while maintaining the ruse that I am succeeding all on my own. I’m guessing another 5-10K would suffice. (I’ll accept any and all credit card applications that come my way.)
5. I vow to procrastinate on finishing The Book of Frank. Who wants success, notoriety and a possible movie deal? I mean, honestly, WHO NEEDS IT??
I also vow to only make lists that go up to five. This year has kicked my ass so thoroughly that I’m too disausted to count any farther.
Happy New Year my friends! May it be packed FULL of joy and laughter, cause you all deserve it. (You’re golden, and you know it.)