Can't I be mad for just ONE day? (Bitchiness doesn't look good on me. But I DO try.)

I’ve been trying to remember that each crazy left turn in life is a gift.  And these gifts aren’t ones we seek, want or plan, and that we have to accept them with grace and dignity.

And some days I forget.

My heart was heavy as I walked into school today, remembering that my days in kindergarten were numbered.  I had a lump in my throat and a pain in my heart that would not be eased.  That tiny seed called bitterness was beginning to work its evil, and could feel its pangs in my heart. 

I didn’t like it.

I spent the day a bit melancholy, and tried hard to remember why I loved teaching in the first place.  It was hard.  I left the building at the end of the day in a fog and headed home to meet my brother.  He was my knight in shining armor today, coming over to remove an incredible amount of water in my basement, fix the leaking pipes in the kitchen, and do a thousand other things that I simply could not do myself. 

We gobbled down the hoagies I had purchased at a fund-raiser and I thanked him profusely for coming to my rescue.  And, because he really is the best brother in the world, he reminded me that I was going to be fine; that I was doing an amazing job- and that no matter WHERE I would be teaching, I would love it. 

And he was right.

After he left I grabbed my car keys, and made the short drive to my new building.   Surprisingly, the doors were open, and I made my way through the somewhat empty school.  I wandered up and down the halls, peeking into classrooms and looking at the teacher names that were posted outside each one.  I smiled as I put names to faces, and thought about how the building would feel when teeming with children and their teachers.

And then I heard voices.  They came from children who were sitting on the floor in the gym.  I could hear them as they talked about a particular book they were reading and I was transfixed.   Their animated discussion threw me back in time to when I taught second grade; and I loved it.  

I stood against the wall and listened for a few more minutes, and then I knew.  I KNEW that this change would be amazing, uplifting, and wonderful.  I remembered that I laughed, loved, smiled, learned and knew joy in EACH grade I had taught.   And I would again.

I’m ready.  I believe I’m ready for that next turn in the road; and I can’t wait to see who’s waiting for me when I get to where I’m going.

I just hope his name rhymes with Frank. 


Sue said...

Your post touched my heart tonight. I just got home from going to my little grand baby Riley's open house at her school. She is in kindergarden and has had an awesome teacher who has been teaching for years. You can just tell how much she loves what she does. Her room is the best, filled with things to stimulate the minds of the little ones she meets in the Fall and leaves as Summer gets closer. i'm sure just like your kids folks, they feel blessed to have had you as their child's teacher. Have a good evening my friend and "thank you" for all the lives you have made a difference in this past school year! I know and understand how wonderful teachers like you and my Riley's teacher really are. God Bless you both!

Take care my friend,

Anonymous said...

Awesome post! Glad you are able to see it so positively! And that was ballsy of you to go into the new school to have a look! GOOD FOR YOU! That's a major hurdle down!

It is natural to feel a little, uh, pissy about what has happened. Your positive attitude astounds me.

I hope good things are coming soon.

Brian Miller said...

you know, its going to be cool...and some different stories...and they will still amaze you...

and guess what...i was offered a job in the classroom yesterday...considering it...

Anonymous said...

Vodkamom, you are a gift! To your kids and to us...

Your post made me cry, and you are such an encouragement to anyone going through hard times.

Hugs and prayers to you...thank you for sharing with us. I hope there's a bright little ray called Hank next year for you....

Lisa G. in CT

MaryBeth said...

Thinking of you as I am struggling to hug my K kids goodbye for the summer in 4 days! The end of the year is emotional enough without left turns.

Your attitude blesses me! That bitter seed really isn't atractive on any of us, but some of us - OK me - nurse it a lot longer than you until we have an ugly weed. Thanks for reminding me to rip that thing out as soon as it starts.

That new school building sang just for you when you walked into the building. It is so excited to have you - the people will be too!

We love you - stinkiy carpets and all!

Courtney said...

You are going to ROCK! at your new school. Those children are going to be so very lucky to have you.

NotesFromAbroad said...

I am so glad this happened to you .. the good feeling part :)
Because my life has been so gifted with wonderful things that have really not been looked for or sought out, I really believe that whatever plans we think we have and whatever we think is what we want, something guides us along and takes us where maybe we didn't think we wanted to go but we are so happy when we get there.
I am not talking about anything religious, it is just a sort of Meant To Be thing that happens, whether you like it or not .
I think you are gonna like it !!
love you. C

Stacie@hometownperch said...

This just gave me chills. There are bright days ahead with a new group of smart kiddos. Enjoy the journey.

Anonymous said...

You know, maybe this happened for a reason. Maybe there is some kid at this school that NEEDS you.

I was a Frank. Oh yes.

And my parents were largely absent and not engaged.

My teacher, Mr Sharp, was the best thing that ever happened to me. He did not see me as a burden, or a nuisance etc. He corrected me, yes, but he loved me. And I could tell. Other teachers would have condemned me and would not have seen the humor in my antics (they were innocent - I just had more ideas than my fellow classmates!).

Mr Sharp changed my life. Really. I can't even explain the lasting effects - or even the individual events (encouraging me to go into music etc etc).

Maybe a Hank needs you. Because maybe you are suppose to be the person that changes the course of his life.

Live with Flair said...

This is beautiful! You are going to love your new grade assignment, and I just want to say how blessed those children and parents will be. You've changed my daughter forever and made her love school. You made her love to learn. You made her love making new friends. You made her love teachers!

SkylersDad said...

i just know that you are going to be so great at this new gig, because you are fantastic!

denisemalloy.com said...

Stay positive and keep the glass half full, even if it's gin and tonic (or perhaps in your case, Vodka tonic)

As a former teacher who got bumped around to schools A LOT due to lack of seniority, there always seemed to be a reason (even if it wasn't apparent at the time). You'll rock where ever you go - you can't help it.

Slow Panic said...

i know you will be blessed and will bless those you teach.

Lynn MacDonald said...

You are going to be just fine...great even!!!!

MANDI said...

You are amazing. And inspiring. And about a thousand different kinds of awesome.

Anonymous said...

We love you!!! But making me cry twice in one day?!?!? You are such a blessing to all those you teach & touch!!!

Lilly said...

I is absolutely so understandable to feel like that. My teacher sister is a teacher is going through the same thing right now. Who knows where this change will lead. New people to meet, new lives to influence. And thank god for brothers.

noexcuses said...

Change is oh-so-scary and yet, oh-so-good for us. It pushes us to our limits and beyond. I just left a school, also, but as part of the office staff. You teachers touch so many little hearts and hands. The teachers at my school made me feel like I had done that for them. Teachers rock! You will be more amazing (if that's possible) to the new little hands and hearts waiting for you! Do second graders talk about vaginas?

Kate Coveny Hood said...

I hadn't even thought about that... You will have students come back to you, having matured into a new version of themselves. That will be fascinating. And they'll give your day a whole new brand of hilarity.

If teachers utlimately go where they are needed...maybe this is where you are needed now.

Either way - I look forward to hearing all about it!

Sarah said...

love you. xo

Joanna Jenkins said...

Hey VM, Just catching up on your posts and damn!!! Your plate is in overload.

Your brother rocks and I hope all the plumbing is under control again.

And the change of schools. i yiyi. After 23 years that has to be a tough, tough change. But, I know you can do it and I know the new place will welcome you with open arms because I have no doubt you are a teaching LEGEND in your school district.

Hang in there!
xo jj