I signed my will today.
I forced myself to be an adult and called my lawyer. We spoke at length about a will, a power of attorney and a Living Will. I informed my best friend that she would have to pull my plug and she happily agreed. (That might be a conversation for LATER, but yay.) The attorney cranked it out, I reviewed it and today made the 30 minute drive to her office.
At 11:30 a.m.I signed it.
I am a 58 year-old woman in pretty good shape. I am relatively healthy as a horse, exercise daily, drink far too much (but not enough, really), stress out like a crazy woman, sleep like a baby until 3 in the morning and have high blood pressure. I’m normal, right? Well, I know none of us are really normal, but in terms of health I am pretty normal,I would say.
Still, I made the time and made the will. To me, it was significant. Today I took the steps that my father did not, and managed to prepare for something we all will never avoid.
When he was 58 years old, he had a massive heart attack while having dinner at the country club with my mother, and left her without sufficient insurance or a proper way to support herself and her three very annoying, dramatic teenage and young adult children.
She was 48 when she died 7 years later, and she was a bit more prepared (insurance wise) than my father was, but the trauma of her loss left a mark on each of her children that will never fully heal.
I did not want to do that. Now, while I can’t control whether I meet the reaper sooner rather than later, I can try to ensure that there is nothing to quibble or quabble about, and nothing that will throw their life spiraling.
It was a strange feeling that came over me after I signed the documents. It was a stark reminder of what is to come, and what has come before. I felt a deep sadness as I remembered my own personal experience with death, and a strange sense of sadness about what I know it to come for my own children.
We can’t outrun it. We can’t ignore it and we can’t pretend it won’t happen. We are all going to die.
I guess I’m just trying to make sure that the many complicated strings that come along with it aren’t tangled enough when it happens.
And as I near my 59th birthday and realize that I have officially outlived both of my parents, I am thankful. I plan on being thankful for each and every extra day I have.
I’m sure I’ll continue to embarrass my children and myself. I will make mistakes-probably every single day. I will not rinse the dishes properly, I will forget to put the garage door down and I will forget to cover the golf cart. I will leave my curlers in the sink and the door to my make-up cabinet open once in a while.
I will not return your call and I will probably forget you sent me a message. I might leave the gas to the grill on one in a while and perhaps leave the sliding door unlocked.
But you know what I will do? I will try to be present, I’ll try to be thankful, I’ll try to be understanding and open-minded and I’ll try to be responsible and adulty. But even more?
I will have a will.
