6/9/09

I'd like a replacement, please...


Dear Dr. Zhivago,

 

Yeah, um, about that complete hysterectomy you gave me two summers ago?  I’ve decided I want my uterus back.

 

So what that it was filled with adenomyosis; when you took out my  uterus and all that other stuff, you also took something mighty important to my marriage.  (You know…the “drive”.)  And those hormonal tidal waves?  Yeah, I don’t like those so much; my family runs for cover and hides for DAYS at the first sign of a missed little blue pill.

 

So, if you could so kindly put all the stuff “back in”, I would greatly appreciate it.

 

Oh, and this time, try to sew it together a little more tightly.  We don’t want that nine-inch incision coming apart AGAIN now, do we?? (Sweet jesus, that another post altogether...)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

63 comments:

Coffee with Cathy said...

Deborah -- All I can say is "ouch."

a mouthy irish woman? ridiculous! said...

OY VAY! i got nothin else. that should pretty much cover it all.

Michele said...

Yeah, the swings suck whoppers. I was always asking if my OB/GYN would tighten everything up after each baby. They never listen.

Belle said...

How about I give you mine?

Suzy said...

Dear Dr. Vodka,

RUN don't walk to a Suzanne Summers book. Write her and BEG for help. She's so sweet and kind, I know she;ll try and help you.

Me? I could fuck a stuffed animal and feel fabulous. Only I dont have a stuffed animal so of course I blame you.

Rick Daley said...

Damn, that's hard to make fun of. But you know me, I've got to give it a shot.

1. Are you sure you want you old uterus back? I think you should apply for an upgrade.

2. No drive...are you sure the little blue things aren't Tightwad's balls? Of, right. They are probably huge from the swelling and impossible to miss.

3. If you find out they can tighten everything back up, please let me know. My first son was 9 lbs.

Marla said...

Ek. That sucks.

Renée aka Mekhismom said...

Um, I know what happens when an incision opens - not nice, it happened to me. Funny enough they told me to put a maxipad on it. And it worked. At least you have a reason for the low *ahem* drive - what the heck is my excuse?

Sue said...

If you can wait a few years, my daughter is going to invent uterus transplants. She told me that because she wants my uterus back in so I can have another kid. She's only 10 now, but I am sure she will figure out how to do this in no time!

The Mother said...

As one of the people who (formerly) dealt with the bits that were taken out, trust me, you do NOT want it back.

Maybe you can request a transplant? One without that nine-inch scar.

There are LOTS of women willing to donate their uteri.

Bobby G said...

YIKES! i think they are exit only love...

Angie Ledbetter said...

You're welcome to mine since I'm really not using it. 'Course, it had 3 kidlets in 36 months (long ago) and is full of endometriosis...but if ya want it, just holler.

Ivanhoe said...

Yikes! Forget about getting the old one - grow a new one ;o)

Joanie M said...

Yikes! You've had a time of it!

Carolyn...Online said...

It opened up... Ew. And ow.

Kathy B! said...

9 inch incision coming open?!?! I'll have nightmares about that tonight...

WeaselMomma said...

drink more vodka???

Phil Bennett said...

That's funny because I would like my virginity back. I have been crazy every since I lost it.

Peace,

Phil
p.s. Thank you for following my blog!! :)

♥ Braja said...

Er...ouch....and I mean puttin' it BACK is oweeeee....

CSY said...

You can have mine. I'm DEFINATELY not using it anymore. I FINALLY figured out what caused the Spawn and had the tubes tied, burned, lasered and double knotted to insure I didn't have another one. Love you, VM!!!

buffalodick said...

My wife and I both got fixed...

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

Thankfully I haven't had to deal with this--but you're not the first person I've heard it from. And "have a hysterectomy" seems to come so easily to the doctors. If you haven't explored biodenticals (Suzy's advice) I would definitely do so--my friend has had great relief from hers.

Thank goodness it didn't affect your sense of humor!

laughingwolf said...

ummm... dunno WHAT to say, vm :O

Mrs. D said...

Seeing as I'm getting ready to put another incision in mine, I'd like to know what caused yours to open up. Should I worry??

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

Oh my.

Musings of the Mrs. said...

Again, we wrote about similar topics on the same day. The blogging world is a weird place.

ModernMom said...

I hear wine and chocolate helps?

Ann's Rants said...

But keep dem tubes TIED, right???

BTW, are you doing FAF this Friday? Did you get my email? Perhaps it went into spam...

SkylersDad said...

My wife entered menopause early (late 40's) and has been a wreck ever since. And about her "drive"? Well, lets just say I am on the quarterly plan...

Sandee said...

Oh Lord. I don't think this is going to work out too well. Just saying. Thanks for the belly laugh though.

Have a terrific day. Big hug. :)

Desert Songbird said...

I'm not using mine, but apparently "the drive" has gone up and gone regardless. I think it has something to do with the 40s and fatigue. At least, that's my excuse.

dizzblnd said...

My goodness.. how incompetent is that? He couldn't sew it properly? UGH.

I'll tell you what.. when I get my hysterectomy, I will have them send all my parts to you (provided they are still in working order) LOL

on second thought... My cousin had one, she is mega-super-bitch without her meds.. I am sure I'd be the same way..

mo.stoneskin said...

You may be in luck, I hear they keep uteruses in fridges just in case.

Laggin said...

Scuz me. I'm having a serious case of the heebie geebies.

Frau said...

I heard they have a cream that might help or a female viagra?

Michel said...

OMG! How can I make this post go away now that it has seared into my brain!?

I'm sorry, that sounds like it sucks SOOOOO bad!

Michel said...

ps - you can have mine - i'm not using it.

Keyona said...

I'm sure you can purchase one on Ebay..shit for that matter Craigslist! LOL!

Pastor Sharon said...

Darlin. . . how in the world did that incision come loose. . . . you must tell all of us who still have our parts!

Ivan said...

Hi... I'm from Brazil and I've been reading your blog for quite a while. I'm also a father of four and a writer. Unfortunatelly English is not my native language(you might have noticed that by now) and then I cant ask you to read my posts too (unless u forgot to mention that u master Portuguese as well)...

Anyways... tks so much to make me laugh and wonder...

Kiss,

Ivan

only a movie said...

Ack. I still have it all and the hormones are killing me here.

Kate Coveny Hood said...

Oh dear. It get's worse after? My poor husband...

Lola said...

Forget about the mood swings. (That's for our family to deal with. Lol!)

The night sweats are the worst. Waking up in the middle of the night (if I can sleep even) and my tshirt is soaking wet, then waking up later clammy and freezing.

This has to end soon, right?

Vodka Mom said...

The incision came apart because after three C sections, I guess there was some scar tissue there. It came wide apart, and I had to attached to a wound-vac.

yuck.

oddharmonic said...

As The Mother said, I would happily donate my uterus. I don't know if anyone would want my ovaries though, they're kinda cyst-prone and have trouble understanding "regular". (I'm not complaining right now because they think regular means less often than monthly, but when they went the other way I was pretty cranky.)

Not The Rockefellers said...

Oh my effing God..Suzy...you made me laugh like a giraffe in heat...Hey I have a stuffed giraffe with a small head...never been used...

Peace -Rene

VodkaMom - I love you.

Dana's Brain said...

Yowza. And yuck. And you need another martini.

I'm kind of laughing that poor Ivan chose today to post a comment!

Zip n Tizzy said...

Sucks!
That's all I've got.

Laura said...

I'm a doctor. I can help.

nola said...

Man. Almost a year ago I had to lie to my doctor's face ("It's soooo important to me to keep my uterus because I want to have a baby!") when she cut me open for a mysterious mass they though was cancer.

It wasn't cancer, I have a matching scar, and I STILL do not want a baby. But I do want all the natural hormones and such that come from my organs.

Uteruses (uteri?) aren't just baby factories - they do all sorts of other great things. Of course I understand women who want them removed for myriad legit reasons - but I resent having to fight to keep mine. But glad I did. Especially after reading this post!

Mango Girl said...

Oh Boy, can I relate!

I have suffered endlessly with the post-hystercotomy thing... I finally found a solution (other than vodka) that I SWEAR BY! I have suffered endless hotflashes (30-50 per day AND 30-50 per night!); lack of sex drive, complete irritability (though this could be based on ones amount of stupid genes), sleeplessness, etc...

I SWEAR by this solution! Please feel free to email me if you are interested in it ~ and, btw, it is organic (don't shake your head and say "I've tried it!" ~ as I just found it after a 5+ year search via doctors and internet)...

Cool Breezes to you...

Fragrant Liar said...

Yeah, I'm thinking the nights at the "drive-in" were a whole lot better with the drive left in. :)

Anna See said...

mood swinging today, and i've still got all my goods inside. aargh.

Lisa said...

Well, that tears it! I've had it recommended that I get the innards yanked so I can sneeze without having to squeeze hard in hopes that I won't wee myself.

But no. No, no, no. They aren't diseased, scarred or bothersome, except for the slight incontinence things.

I'll keep them. Thanks for tipping me off. I'd been dinking around with this decision for three years due to lack of funds.

Alix said...

Oh forcryingoutloud, Vodka Mom, what do you think oysters are for?

flutter said...

I'll rent mine to you for a nominal fee

PhoenixAwakened said...

I've heard that Vitamin B complex can help...

Gaston Studio said...

No, no, no; you don't want it back, it's all used and gooey... yuk!

Joanie said...

1) Hysterectomies are GOOD.

2) Hormone replacement therapy is also good (if you're on the right dose) because you can go into super-extra-hormonal overdrive and seriously leave your husband begging for mercy and "just an hour of sleep, please, honey".

3) Tell your doc you need a little something and he'll know what to do.

4) NO OPEN SURGICAL WOUNDS EVER AGAIN! That's a command to the universe. Sounds like there are enough of us who've experienced that to raise some unholy hell about it.

Annie said...

Uggghhh. I had all my parts out a few years ago. My doc didn't want me to use hormones, and I've been miserable - and I mean MISERABLE - the last couple years. I'm going in week after next and I'm telling her she's going to give me hormones....I hate the insomnia, the anxiety, the irritability...

Dee-Zigns Handcrafted Jewelry said...

Why don't men have to deal with any of this shit? So sorry...

anymommy said...

That is just wrong. He owes you something. Daily chocolate cakes. A huge sum of money. Something.

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