6/7/09

It's tough lugging around this heavy heart...


I was 26 years old when my mother died- a scant seven years to the day after my father.

 

I don’t remember many details following her death, and I’m convinced I suffered from some sort of breakdown.  I can’t speak for my sister or brother, but I moved through many years in a bit of a haze. 

 

I did make several life-changing choices during that period of sadness. The first, I quit law school in the middle of my second year and went back to school for my teaching certificate.   Secondly, I left a five year marriage that was laden with drug use and heavy partying.  I feel these were two incredibly good decisions, made under the influence of grief.  (Some things become abundantly clear during those days…)


I moved through the years painfully, feeling a bit lost and disillusioned.  Strangely, I am feeling that way again these days, and I am struggling like a wounded soul trying to keep my head above these rising waters of sadness. 

 

I want to thank you all for throwing me all your lifelines.   Can you see me valiantly trying to grab a hold of one?

 

I will continue reaching, safe in the knowledge that at least one of those damn things will hit me on the head and wake me up.

 

 

(thank you, my friends, thank you……i may continue to post old funnies, forgive me...)

 

79 comments:

sandi said...

YOUR HEART IS SO BIG YOU ONLY GET WHAT YOU CAN TAKE, YOU HELPED ME WHEN MY SON WAS TESTED TO BR A TEACHER, I SENT HIM ALL OF YOUR ADVICE, YOU ARE TERRRRRRIFIC - YOU CAN DO IT.

SYOUNG1053@GMAIL.COM

Sandee said...

What Sandi said. We all love you. You have grown on all of us in such a wonderful way. I wish I could wave a magic wand and make the heavy heart and the sadness go away.

Biggest hug ever. :)

♥georgie♥ said...

sending BIG ginormous hugs your way!

Mimi Lenox said...

I am here for you. I'll be a lifeline. Grab hold anytime...day or night. There comes a time - especially if you've always been the strong one - when you have to lean on others and realize they are privileged and honored indeed to be the shoulder. We all feel that way about you.

Just test us.

only a movie said...

ob VM, heavy heart here too for different reasons. I am grateful for internet connectedness at times like these. Hope you are hanging in there ok.
xxxxooo

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

May you follow your pattern of making good decisions in bad times. I'll be thinking good thoughts for you as you deal with what you have to deal with.

anymommy said...

Wish I had a better throwing arm, maybe I could just hand it to you?

Love.

Dana's Brain said...

I remember that haze. You do mean so very much to all of us - I hope you truly know that. Never mind this world versus the "real world" - it's all the same to your friends.

We're here to help you carry the heavy heart. If only to make it lighter for a moment, we're here.

xoxo

Blasé said...

As my Granddaddy would say- "..always something".

I could use about a six month 'Heart-Break' Break, myself.

Finding sweet and funny Baby pics usually helps me get through my 'times'.

dizzblnd said...

big hugs to you. Hold your head high! You did some wonderful things for you and your family. You HAVE to know your parents are proud and smiling down on you and the kids.

I think I speak for all of us when I say we are here for you.


We all have feelings of inadequacy, but what you need to know that what your doing is enough! It is ALL you can do for the one person that you are.

I will send positive thoughts, prayers and energy your way.


(((((Deb)))))

Sandi said...

I better email you, because I feel clueless and out of it. Am I the only one? I must have missed a post......

Blasé said...

Try this Baby Video...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5P6UU6m3cqk

Irish Gumbo said...

VM:
I'll keep throwing if you'll keep trying to catch...I've got some spare muscle power, let me carry some of that for you.

I'll run some more prayer flags up to the top of the mountain, get them flapping in the wind...

SkylersDad said...

To quote Barry Corbin from the movie War Games, "Well hell, I'd piss on a spark plug if I thought it would help!"

That's how much I care, really.

Suzy said...

I'm throwing a lifeline but it' to try and get that bag of chips out of your death grip.

Mo Fabulous said...

It has been quite a while since I've commented on someone's blog....or posted on of my own. But, I felt the need today. I don't have a clue of what is going on with you. But I know what it is to feel lost. I am an avid reader of your blog - and in the darkest days that I have had which has been often in the past several months.....I count on you making me laugh. Your spirit is such a gift to those that you share it with. But, if I've learned one thing through this time - it's that you have to take time to pay attention to yourself, and to nurture your soul - even if it means other people have to tend to their own selves for awhile. You can't be what you want to be for others unless you feed your spirit. We will be here waiting when you are ready to share. I can go for a day or two without a laugh if it means you will be back and fabulous soon. Promise.

Take care of YOU!

Paige said...

Clearly I have a lot to catch up on here--you have been up to something while I was incommunicado in the tropics--


but hang in there

Not The Rockefellers said...

Awww come on over here and we'll have fun...
And chips and stuff
And we'll get People magazine and blacken the teeth out of everyone we hate
And erase out all the eyes
You know, fun shit like that....

Peace - Rene

Laggin said...

It's going around, isn't it? Sorry. Wish I had the perfect solution...but then I'd be busy feeding to myself and Eldest...yet I'm sure we'd invite you over for a dose.

SweetPeaSurry said...

ya know ... we all just keep plugging away through life changes, marriages, divorces, relationships, deaths and in the midst of all that is life. grab onto life my friend, the ride might be bumpy and sad from time to time, but it's a wild one and well worth it.

brightest blessings and luv

mary said...

It's so hard to know what to say when I have no idea what your struggles are.....I know I have wept all day, missing my mom on her birthday. There have been so many times when exhaustion sets in and I say " I want to HAVE a mom - I don't want to BE a mom".

When the time comes - just tell us to grow up and get a laugh somewhere else for awhile....and we will let you come down from your pedestal. And when you are ready to resume your throne - we'll be here.

always a lifeline

Beth said...

Sometimes when we lose someone so close, life seems so much more valuable. There just isn't time to waste on what wasn't working.

Hugs to you,
Beth

Pastor Sharon said...

Wow, grief is like standing in the ocean waist deep. All is well and along comes one of those giant waves and knocks us over!
We don't know where it came from sometimes and we don't know why we still feel that gaping hole.
How about a raft to float along on attached to the lifeline of a friend. that way you don't have to use your energy, trying to hold on.
We can sit in the sh*t (and I do get a hall pass for this word today, for all ya'll who just dropped your teeth in your coffee) together and just let it be what it is!
No advice. . . No words. . . just here for you.

Joanna Jenkins said...

Holding good thoughts for you and sending love from Los Angeles!

Fragrant Liar said...

When you're feeling lower than a snake's belly in a tire tread, the best thing to do is take better care of yourself than usual. Laugh. Spend time with positive people, friends and family alike. Treat yourself to down time, journal, little by little or all at once, consciously LET IT GO. So many of us are here for you.

Yo is Me said...

i think this is what change feels like. metamorphosis isn't easy.

hugs and much love.

ModernMom said...

Take care of you!

Dawn@Embracing the Ordinary Life said...

I am proud of you for recognizing that you may need to take a break for yourself...just don't get lost in your time off...don't let it take you over...

Big hug...

Mango Girl said...

Life is a funny, funny thing.

AHND, law school is not all it's cracked up to be...

Keep following your heart ~ you are doing the world a wonder of good!!!!

xo ~ Mango Girl

Wild Child said...

With all the stuff going on, thanks so much for stopping by my blog. Wish me luck.

I was also glad to catch Comedy Goddess' post today, via your link. That was too much! :D

Mags said...

Hang in there, VM!!!

Scobberlotcher said...

Take care of yourself. And keep writing. It's medicinal. :)

The Rare Amylesaurus said...

Just been reading your blog a few days but I LOVE it! My father died last December, on the 12th. His vacancy has left a gape-ing hole in my heart that continues to ooze. My mom is struggling without me 3 hours away everyday. I know for sure that death sucks. The one thing that helps me is laying truth on a blog be it light or heavy. Thank you for your truths. I get them 100%.

Mrs. D said...

I have no idea what is going on, but whatever ails you, I will say a prayer for it to let you be in peace.

And I had no idea you were married before Tightass. Here'a a pat on the back for leaving that mess behind! Good choice.

Sue said...

I believe life throws us into this so called "funk" every so many years. Thankfully they are never that close together, but it still makes it difficult to understand the "whys" of what we are going through. What's worked for me is to just hang on to the seat of my pants until the ride ends and remember, "everything will be okay"! Because it REALLY will! Take care, Sue

Laoch of Chicago said...

Small steps. Good wishes to you.

Sarah K said...

i've been where you are sooo sooo many times. and when i'm happy, i just wonder when it will get crappy again. some days, all you can do is breathe. and that's ok. keep reaching out. that'll help. i promise.

Chocolate Covered Daydreams said...

You're at the first step and moving forward to holding on the the many lifelines waiting for you. Just reach out for them.

In time, you will see how in the midst of what you're feeling, there is a small light shining and showing you the way.

LadyFi said...

dear friend - so sorry to hear that you are feeling the burden of sorrow.

May you soon cope and see a way out of it.

Hugs!

Frau said...

I hope your wonderful memories of your parents give you the strength to feel happiness again. Hugs and prayers coming your way.

Mwa said...

Hold on!

Marie Reed said...

Crap honey! God I wish that we all had big wads of cash... It sure would be a hell of a lot easier to fight out of that haze with a big margarita while sitting on the beach. I'm giving you huge huge huge cyber hugs too!

Cora said...

((((HUGS!!!!))))

Bobby G said...

Im sorry for your loss...but those decisions made your life SO much better, sometime terrible things happen to get your ass in gear and straightened out...

TeacherMommy said...

I completely understand that sensation. My marriage is disintegrating and it's a daily struggle to just hang on to some sense of reality--normality is out the window already.

(((hugs)))

TRB Holt said...

You know it is okay to have a heavy heart....a heavy one is also bigger than most. Just keep on with your beautiful family and mostly take care of you & just by you posting about this means you already are.

You are in my thoughts.

PS, my daughter recently wrote this post and it sure lifted my spirits...dogs always do!

http://digthischick.blogspot.com/

Yvonne said...

Since I am not really sure if you know me as I know you here is blogland, I wanted to tell you how very sorry I am for your sadness. I offer you something that means a lot to me. A song my daughter sings...
please go and listen. I only wish you you hear the entire song but that is no longer possible on myspace anymore.

Click RALLY in the music box...
And consider it from me (or all of us here for that matter)!

http://www.myspace.com/alliemossmusic

Yvonne said...

I'd also like to recommend a book that helped me. It changed my life.
The Freedom of Forgiveness by David Augsburger.
There is hope for the heavy hearted.

WeaselMomma said...

These events have helped to shape you into the wonderful, smart, funny and beautiful woman you are today. Keep your head up and I'll buy you a drink in July!

Tracey - Just Another Mommy Blog said...

I can't imagine losing both of them at so young an age...

Gaston Studio said...

Supposedly, everything changes in our life every 7 years; I would agree with this as I've seen it happen many times in my long life.

Perhaps you're at the end of one of these periods or at the beginning and it will all 'even out' with a little time.

Joanie M said...

Not sure what's happening but you have lots of friends here who love you. Hang in there and accept all the good wishes we bring you.
(((((HUGS)))))

buffalodick said...

Nothing really prepares us for some of the hardships we all endure. Friends and family do help though..

Janie at Sounding Forth said...

I love you girlfriend.

Even if you OUT me on my freakin' blog.

Or, even if you DON'T!!!


And I love it when you share real life like this...not that your kinder kids aren't real...

American in Norway said...

Hang in there... You have a lot of people out here who are here for you! Hugs from Norway... :)

Char said...

Ah, honey, so sorry you are having a hard time right now. Please know that we are all here to help lighten your burden. {{huggs!!}}

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

I hope the summer brings you everything you need. and then some...
xoxo

Em said...

Oh hon, I'm so sorry for this difficult time.

You continue to be in my thoughts.

Fancy Schmancy said...

I'm sorry you're having such a difficult time. Sending rainbows and kittens your way. xoxo.

zelzee said...

Somedays are so difficult to navigate through.

But, somehow we do......and you have a lot of love and support helping you along.....

Michel said...

I am so sorry you are going through this! You take however long you need because CLEARLY we'll all be here.

Besides, I didn't find your blog until like Feb - It's like you're doing me a community service!!!

Eileen, Founder, Organizer, Mayor and Chief Cook And Bottle Washer of the Anger Management Girls. said...

Awwww, my heart goes out to you.

As I've stated here before, there is not a day that goes by that I don't miss my mother.
Looking back, even as bad as loosing my husband was, I think the death of my mother hit me harder.

Just go through the motions you need to get you through the dark days. Then one of these days........ you notice the sun is out.

(Running away to Caman Island certainly speeds things up!)

Oz Girl said...

My heart goes out to you, to lose both your parents at such a young age, but kudos to you for the decisions you made, both obviously very good ones.

I've only lost my father and just 2.5 years ago. And yet I still find it hits me hard at random and inopportune times... I can feel the tears well up and I want to escape where I might be at that moment.

I feel since my move to KS last summer that I am struggling to find my "place". I love it here, and yet I don't feel like I fit. Yet. And still looking for a job does not help. :-(

Hang in there, we are all in this crazy midlife together... we will have great, positive days and then there will be these other incredibly heavy soul-bearing days. Our family and friends are always there for us, and yet sometimes I find the friends we have made here, amongst all the wonderful blogs, are the best that any female could wish for. We are so lucky.

SSQuo said...

Sending hugs your way! :)

Anonymous said...

Vodka M,
I found you through Suzy Soro. I will visit this blog site often and send "loving vibes" your way(okay I'm old and I experienced the 60s).
Aloha,
Martha Jane

Judi said...

Sweet Vodka Mom.....
Listen, there's a case of the blues and coodies flying around out there. I just know it. I've been struck by it as well. Sometimes we know exactly how and why we got to feeling that way. Other times we don't. So, whatever it is (or whatever it isn't) that's got you feeling like you really need to grab hold of a lifeline--I really hope it's a time that moves you forward. You are a strong woman---even though at times you probably wish you weren't!!! I'm in one of my "gee could I just die and get it over with now" modes. So, I know the feeling!!! But, let's all hang in there together with our shared sense of sisterhood and cling to each other as if our lives depended on it!
And, dear, feel free to email me and tell me your woes---it might earn you a big vodka martini next time I'm in your little town! Oh, I would love that....!
Judi

Magpie said...

i'm sorry about your heavy heart.

Kate Coveny Hood said...

Okay - 66 comments later, not sure what I can add... But of course you are loved and many of us have our own brand of this sadness. So there will always be understanding when you need it.

Margarita said...

(((HUGS)))

Laura said...

grief and clarity go hand in hand. and through suffering, goodness will shine. I do believe that. Of course, I am beginning to think that it is only when I am DEAD that all will be good...

if you lose grip of your rope, just reach out and hang on someone else's for a bit. That's what we bloggers are here for.
Free rope.

Suzanne said...

hey, I just wrote a post that may speak to what you are going through right now, being as we seem to have similar thoughts at similar times.

LPC said...

Am very sorry. Get well soon, in all ways possible.

Life As I Know It said...

I think there is always something good, something worthwhile, for you when you make your way out of the dark haze. Hope you get there soon. Looks as if you have a lot of people here who supporting you.

Lorraine said...

Is it okay if I throw you one of those pool noodles? I just got some cool new purple ones and believe me, if they can hold me up, they'll hold your heavy heart. We'll just keep adding more until you rise above the water and feel the sunshine again.

Annabelle said...

Big hugs to one of the funniest, most eloquent, interesting and touching bloggers on my blog roll! :-)

Nanny Goats In Panties said...

I'm so sorry you're carrying around such a heavy heart. Is it too sensitive for you to tell it to lose some weight?

How about a hug?

How about a joke? Two guys walk into a bar which really silly if you think about it because you'd think if the first guy walked right into a bar (SLAM!) the 2nd guy would have seen it.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOX
Margaret

Joanie said...

Super big hugs coming your way!

A Woman Of No Importance said...

I have been there, with the haze of grief which lasts for years sometimes, and can still catch you out, as it sneaks up again sometimes, and you find yourself in tears...

We love you more than you could ever love yourself. You are strong and you are wonderful; You are talented and you are beautiful; You are scary (a good quality to have with the kids!) and you are sweet. We love you, and want to help you through, as best we can - We are real, even if we aren't there to hug you, and rub your back and shoulders, and wipe your tears... Hold to that lifeline, darling VKMom... Love and light, Fhi xxx

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