6/19/09

You've got a friend in me....


My very best friend in elementary school was a girl named Beth Fearnow. She lived two doors down from us on Lemon Road in McLean, Virginia. Her father and mine were in JAG together at the Pentagon, and our mothers used to love to host outrageous cocktail parties every Friday night. (Yep, we were Navy brats.) Beth and I were one year apart, and we were the best of friends – for many good reasons. She had tons of great Barbie clothes, loved to play in the creek in the back yard and didn’t mind getting filthy dirty, was not afraid of bugs, would participate in the torturing of my little brother and his friends, and most importantly, had two older, GORGEOUS brothers whom the neighborhood girls adored.

In kindergarten your best friend looks a little different than it does now. In kindergarten your best friend will tattle on you if you steal the lego-man, if you cut in line, if you take an extra handful of cheese-doodles, and if you color in your neighbor’s journal. Your best friend will wrestle you to the carpet even though he knows you’ll get in trouble. They will race you down the hall, walk you to the nurse or help you give birth to your baby doll in the kitchen free-play area. (Breathe, Janie, breathe! Now, push!) They love your red sparkly Dorothy slippers that you wear every day, and don’t care if the variety of skirts, dresses, leggings or tights doesn’t match the shoes.

We try so very hard in kindergarten to teach the children about being a good friend. We role play what being a good friend looks like; we read stories like Chester’s Way or Chrysanthemum that describe what friendship is all about; we practice every day words that you can use to show people you are a good friend. We decided to take a different approach last week, and asked them what they WOULDN’T do to their best friend. Here’s their list of things you would never, ever do to your best friend.

You never blame things on them if you really did it.

When you are having a sleepover, you never have a pillow fight with them.

You never kick them in their privates.

You never tell them to “look at that” and then punch them in the face.

You don’t take toys out of their hands.

When they are crying you don’t call them crybaby.

You never have a backpack fight with them.

You never pick up a rock and throw it in your best friend’s face.

You never break your friend’s heart.

So, in the beginning, we all know what not to do with our friends. Those things are glaringly obvious, even to a five year old. As we get older our friends become even more important to us. In the teen years, they become the center of our universe - they help us choose what to wear, where to eat, who to date, what club to join and what parties to attend. Unfortunately, the harder a parent tries to steer their children to who they think are the proper friends, it’s really the luck of the draw. We just pray that our children will use their hearts to determine whom they will trust with their friendship. (A lot of praying is involved, I’ll tell you that. )

As an adult, our best friend is someone you call when you have a free moment, someone you share a silly laugh with, someone you cry with, someone you drag to garage sales, or the Goodwill, and someone you vent with. The older I get, the more I value these friends who are so very, very important for my sanity. Your friend listens without judging you, gives you valuable advice without making you feel that what you have been doing all along is just plain stupid, and is there with a comforting cup of coffee and a shoulder to cry on when the bad stuff happens. (And unfortunately, it does happen.)


“When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a gentle and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.” Henri Nouwen.


I couldn’t have said it better myself.


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66 comments:

Sharon Rose said...

Oh, that is just beautiful! I love it!

Pop and Ice said...

My best friend is my husband. I couldn't imagine a better best friend! And we both love "Chrysanthemum"! I reread it just a few weeks ago because I love the Papa Mouse's face as he considers his daughter's challenges while at school. It is beautifully illustrated and delightful for both adults and children.

Jeanne Estridge said...

Well said!

cheatymoon said...

Nicely done, VM. The nice thing about going through a tough spot is discovering all the people around you who care. :-)

Unknown said...

perfection, especially your description of a good friend touching our hearts so tenderly....
~AM

Formerly known as Frau said...

Well said!! Friendship is to hold and cherish! Have a wonderful weekend!

Melissa B. said...

Hey, McLean is in MY neck o' the woods! Do you still live near there? And I'm a teacher, too...in fact, I teach high school in FCPS! SITS sent me today...TGIF!

darsden said...

Oh my how lovely everybody needs to read this!

Pastor Sharon-woman you are first everywhere...catching up big time!

Mango Girl said...

Fabulous post!

Makes me want to call my best friend and wake her up (it is only 4:30 in the morning her time). I will let her sleep another 15 minutes, or so.

Anonymous said...

"....tell them to 'look at that' and then punch them in the face," I LOVE that one, LOL!!!

Great post.

sanewithoutdrugs said...

My youngest needs to memorize this list. AND LIVE IT!!! He has such trouble making and keeping friends because he can really be an ASS!! And, I mean that in the nicest motherly way.

Anonymous said...

I can honestly say, I have ONLY ONE of these....I'm very lucky.

Unknown said...

What a beautiful post VM and the quotation is just perfect. I hope the children took your lesson of what not to do to friends to heart!

Bobby G said...

AWWWWW sweet post, some of my kindgergarten enemies are my best friends now!

JM said...

lovely! Its very true what you say about friends here.Friends take a different meaning after you grow up and move on in life.

PhilB said...

What a beautiful post! I met my best friend on the first day of kindergarten and we graduated high school together. His Dad was the Principal...haha.

Perks!!!

Rick Daley said...

I agree with most of this, but I have to ask:

What's wrong with a pillow fight? They are awesome, and can be a necessary part of a sleepover.

SkylersDad said...

Fantastic! Just this short post could be a course on how to be a good friend.

(applause)

Jules said...

Amazing to see how our friendships transition through life. Makes me very thankful for the true friends that I have. Jules

The Peach Tart said...

Very nice. My family is such a mess, my friends are my saviors.

LPC said...

Oh. Chrysanthemum. I loved that book so much. Thank you for reminding me about it.

Deb said...

-->Great post. Over the years I've weeded my friends down so it's quality over quantity. I couldn't be more happy with this decision too.

http://thaxtonfam.blogspot.com/

zelzee said...

Absolutely wonderful!

Also.........

I needed to be reminded not to: tell my friend to “look at that” and then punch them in the face.

Writer Dad said...

Wonderful!

My best friend is the one I married. She is awesome. : > )

Anonymous said...

What a beautiful post... I agree... I also find it's harder to hold onto the friendships as we get older...

Keyona said...

Ugh...that made me cry early this morning. Great post!

DKC said...

Great post. Beautiful words that are very true.

Also, I laughed out loud about the line where you "You never tell them to “look at that” and then punch them in the face."

Suzy said...

Where are these people? Not in L.A. I can tell you that, unless you enjoy walking around with a knife in your back.

Empress Bee (of the high sea) said...

my best friend is my husband because he paints my toenails for me...

smiles, bee
xoxoxoxoxxoxoxo

if god wanted you to paint your own toenails he would have put them on your knees where you could reach them! ps

Stereos and Souffles said...

Do you still keep in touch with Beth? My closest friends now I met over 25 years ago.

*Akilah Sakai* said...

Gosh! This makes me miss my best friends from my military brat days. Where are they now? Are they well? Do they remmeber me?

blognut said...

Good thoughts for a Friday. I love my friends - every one of 'em - and I wouldn't punch any of them in the face unless they asked me to.

Kim said...

I LOVE my adult friends. And some of those adult friends I have known since kindergarten!

Sandee said...

What a great tribute to friends. I do love the list of things not to do from your class. Sounds just like kids to me. Thanks for the chuckles.

Have a terrific day and weekend. :)

laughingwolf said...

best friends also seem to have the best booze :O lol

anymommy said...

Lovely. I've been lucky enough to have a few wonderful friends my whole life and I've learned to treasure them and their ruby slippers.

Kathy B! said...

There's a lotta face punching going on in your classroom... either that or you had a kid with face punching on the brain : )

A very unique evolution of friendship you've written. An interesting and accurate perspecvtive.

peewee said...

WOW, I just read this angry at two of my closest friends. I'm still mad, but much less so. I realized by reading this that I wasn't being a good friend either.

Thanks!

buffalodick said...

A friend isn't something you define, it's something you feel...Usually for good resons, but not always.

Anonymous said...

Wonderful post and wonderful things you are teaching your students!

Michel said...

Vodka - that was waaay sweet. And once again educational - because I didn't realize that You never tell a friend to “look at that” and then punch them in the face.

I always thought that was good clean fun.

Beautiful!

Adlibby said...

Nice one! That was just the shot of vodka I needed today.

Girl Tornado said...

That quote is dead-on. Wonderful. Since I've moved to KS, my hubby is my best friend. That is, until I get a job and meet more people, then I'm sure some new GF will usurp his position as BFF. :-)

I'm glad the kiddies said they wouldn't throw a rock in their friend's face. However, that doesn't preclude throwing a rock at the BACK of their head. Yeah, we did that to my lil sister, long, long time ago. We got in big trouble. Hey, we were playing a GAME --- your turn to go to the bottom of the hill and we'll throw rocks and try to hit you. Um. Yeah.

Kate Coveny Hood said...

I don't have a sister, so friends were always VERY important to me growing up. As a result, I've been conditioned to value them and prioritize them regardless of convenience (or even my husband's aversion to some - guys just don't "get" some of my old friends...).

I love the one about not throwing a rock in your friend's face. That is kind of a nonstarter when it comes to healthy relationships...

steenky bee said...

Dang it. This is the third post today that has made me cry. This was beautiful. And yes, I truly believe one of the first rules in friendship is not kicking each other in the privates. I couldn't have said it better myself.

Toni said...

That was beautiful. And no, I don't think I could have said it any better than that.

Maggie May said...

Very sweet.

Andrea's Sweet Life said...

What a lovely post. My best friends are an extension of my family - there's no line between where my family stops and theirs starts.

Zip n Tizzy said...

A friend would not leave a "rubber" on your lawn for your mom to find, OR, make you call her mom and tell her that it was yours.

Oops... O.K. maybe for a few years.

All kidding aside this is a beautiful post. Thanks

This IS The Fun Part! said...

Beautiful - - and now for MY version:

A friend loves you warts and all!

A friend won't come bail you out of jail; 'cause she's sitting beside ya saying, "Damn, that was fun!"

A friend knows where ALL the bodies are buried. She can't tell because it was HER shovel!

Grannie

Sue said...

Pat yourself on the back and take a bow!! Beautifully written! You know, I just did a post last week about my high school graduation. It was a picture of me and my bestfriend since kindergarden, Donna Nagel. We had a standing date all through elementary school to sit next to each other everyday at lunch, unless my mom made me an egg salad sandwich, it made Donna gag. Life seemed so simple back then. Again, I loved your post today.

Take care,Sue

♥ Braja said...

Friendship is such an amazing topic; I am inspired by you to write a post on its different aspects and depths... and like I told you, I love it when you pour your heart out... do it more, V...do it more....
xx

Reinvent Dad said...

My first time here. What an incredibly well written and touching post. I've been banging my head against the wall trying to write a post on lost childhood friendships. Very informative and insightful, thank you.

Cynthia Pittmann said...

What warmth and charm you describe...certainly what adult friendship is all about. You made me miss my own close friends who have moved on. Love to you, Ms. VMom.

A Woman Of No Importance said...

Gorgeous stuff, VKMom. You are such an inspiration, my friend... Oh, and I'm never going to tell that Bloggus to punch me in the face! x

Amylicious said...

I grew up on Air Force bases. One thing I've learned from reconnecting with my old childhood friends is that I'd pick them again. Kids just know, I guess. The friends my sons have made when they were three are still their very best friends.

Anonymous said...

I have NEVER had a best friend for all sorts of reasons, too many moves and schools as a kid, a certain shyness who knows the true reason. Friends I have had in buckets full, at work and play, holiday friends, but then I married and had children and now they and JP are my best friends.

Lovely story and perfect picture.

Fancy Schmancy said...

I love that quote, beautiful.

Ann Imig said...

Braja made sure I read this post, and I'm so glad I did.

Nice work, Vodka!

Vvvrrrrooom (headscarfs and glasses in tact)

Ron said...

Amen to that... sometimes you can't appreciate the real value of a best friend until you're going through those tough times. I think that's one reason we're supposed to experience rough patches in our lives.

Anonymous said...

I love Chester's Way and Lilly's Purple Plastic Purse. Those relationships are priceless. We can only hope for the same kinds of friendships as adults.

Lawyer Mom said...

I need to check out "Chrysanthemum" for Mr. M.

A lady at Borders recommended "The Girls from Ames" the other day and I snapped it up. Haven't read it yet, but per the NYT review, it's about the psychological benefits of friends and the girls from Ames, of course.

Nanny Goats In Panties said...

I love the kids' list and how it seems like every other item is about not destroying your friend's face.

Mervat said...

I came over from Braja and I just love this post. I especially loved the comment that you don't throw a rock in your best friend's face (I wonder if others count?) ! Very cute.

Pseudo said...

How did I miss this post? Hm. Probably getting ready for son's birthday the next day.

I looked under Braja's diamon and it led me right back to you.

Lovely post. I surely found out who loved me when I went through cancer treatments. A friend is all those things in your quote and I was so thankful to have a handful during that time.

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