9/28/09

Tightwad + Sick Golden Boy = A M.E. S. S.


Note to Self:


When Tightwad offers to stay home with what we THOUGHT was a very sick Golden Boy, you might want to leave this list.

1. Do NOT let him go anywhere NEAR a phone. Odds are great that he will call me 26 times during the day; once during our morning centers to tell me that he just saw a slicer/dicer that doubles as a juicer on the Food Network that would be PERFECT for me. (The upside is- this class can now sing and dance to the first two verses of Beyonce’s “Put a Ring On It”.)

2. Do not let him drink RED raspberry tea in his room where he MIGHT spill the WHOLE MUG on his off-white carpet. (Yeah, I know. Ten years ago I was stupid.) Oh, and don’t let him leave the carpet cleaner by the front door, I might get suspicious.

3. Make sure that ONE of you boneheads puts the dogs out when you’re home. (I now understand why the carpet cleaner is by the front door. They don’t call me Vodkamom for nothing. And can’t anyone light a candle in here for God’s sake?)

4. Venture upstairs from the basement at least ONCE during the day to witness the carnage/tornado/explosion that was caused by one sick boy. And a naughty, naughty dog.


5. Sick, smick. Did we even take his temp this morning?



That’s all I can think of for now, but don’t worry – it’s only 5:00 and I haven’t even VENTURED downstairs.

I’m a little afraid.

(And had I known he was staying an extra DAY, I wouldn’t have had that little going away party for him last night after that kids went to bed. And by going away party, oh, well, never mind. I’m too tired to explain.)

58 comments:

Ladybird World Mother said...

Yup. We too have trodden in dog sick because some Idle Git had not let him out. Shut all doors. Light a candle. And breathe deeeeep. Better? Now get out the bottle. xxxxx

Midwest Mommy said...

Oh no! Seriously how did they survive while you were in Chicago.

kel said...

Girl, you need a vacation!!!

programming note: some people have told me that they aren't getting the feed for my blog in their readers since I switched names. You may need to resubscribe (or unfollow and then follow me again.) Sorry for the mixup everyone!!

A Mom on Spin said...

Get. Out. Of. Here!

You have an arrival meeting AND a going away party???

I'm going to have to make sure Drip Dry gets a job out of state! You get the best of both worlds. . .

SkylersDad said...

In defense of guys, can I just say we are not ALL that stupid?

for a different kind of girl said...

It's probably good you had that little going away party for him last night because it doesn't sound like tonight would have worked out anyway!

;)

mo.stoneskin said...

Arrgh your followers widget is engulfing my screen. Arrgh! Arrgh!

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!

Post, what post? Are you calling me a raspberry bonehead?

Gayle said...

We have five dogs. No one else understands they have to go outside once-in-awhile. Arg.

Suzy said...

I found it but now I forgot what we were talking about.

Sparkless said...

Well at least they know how to use the carpet cleaner.

Michele said...

After that kind of day I'd really make Tightwad go away now. Party or no party.

Lynn said...

I recall a day when Rob was in the fifth grade, and home "Sick."
He played a Cheech and Chong record album over and over and then he played it on various speeds. Finding that 16 was the funniest he played certain parts over and over. He especially liked, "Yyyyoooooouuurrrrr aaaaaallllllllllllll ffffffuuuuuuuuucccccckkkkkkkeeeeeddddddddddd." which sent him into gleeful laughter.
Don't judge me!
I told him if he stayed home he couldn't watch TV or go outside.
OK, Now my spirit-world loving friend, you might want to go read my ghostly blog.
You can find it at the bottom of my first page. Encounters With Spirits.

Vodka Logic said...

26 phone calls, unplug the thing lol.

Anne said...

I was SO excited when my middle child (need-I-say-more) child learned my cell number. I was sure it would be so wonderful if she ever go lost or in trouble, she could find me... or if she were ever at home with her father on an in-service day, she could call me 17 times during one hour. Thank heavens for vibrate... most enjoyable meeting ever. :-)

Not The Rockefellers said...

I feel you...

When my husband is left in care of my 10 yr old...

well let's just say she would've have given The Who a run for their money back in their hotel trashing days...

good for you and the going away party...

Peace - Rene

Gaston Studio said...

I'd be careful about breathing too deeply if the dog had an accident inside; just saying you might want to rethink that act.

Mrs. D said...

That must have been some party if he decided to stay another day ;-)


Probably thought he'd get another party.

Zip n Tizzy said...

"Tis the Season...
I wish you well!

Mrs. E said...

Sounds like a Monday! At least the kindergartners are now culturally enlightened. (Their parents will be so thrilled.) Let's hope for a better Tuesday.

Oh My Goddess said...

Everybody needs their Vodka Mom.

Kathy B! said...

When the cat's away... apparently in addition to the mouse, the dog, children and hubby will play, too.

Steven Anthony said...

when I spill red tea on the carpet, I just put a throw rug over it..haha

Zen Mama said...

This is why I can't stay married.

CatLadyLarew said...

Leaving a sick kid home with a spouse is like having a sub at school... it takes a lot longer to get ready for them and clean up after them than it would take for you to stay and do the frickin' job yourself.

Maureen@IslandRoar said...

Kinda like the blind leading the blind...
No more going away parties until the carpet, and everything else, is cleaned.
(Really, your ringtone is "Put A Ring On it?" I'm impressed. Can he do the dance?)

Frogs in my formula said...

Might I suggest some sparkling water for the rug...and for a mixed a drink?

Midlife Jobhunter said...

Hahahahahaha!

I'm thinking it's okay to drink vodka on Monday.

Anna See said...

First of all, cool ring tone. Mine is the loser tone that came with the phone. 2nd, don't tell my husband how often your husband gets lucky. Too much pressure.

justlori2day said...

This is why our dog is not allowed out of his pen when I am not home. Amuck I tell you amuck!

Did I say dog? You know I meant my husband right?

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Cookie said...

Sounds like you had a great Monday! Thanks for reminding me why I don't want to get a dog.
Hope things get better.

LegalMist said...

oh, my. This is exactly why I tend to take the "stay home with sick kid" duty at our house.

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

Ug. Boys and men. I'm ready for a convent I think.

Counselormama said...

OMG! I hope you found a way to cope with this all! I'm sure you have, I have my friend, red wine to help me out in times like this!

Tracey - Just Another Mommy Blog said...

Tease.

;)

Annabelle said...

Oh VM! What a frustrating day... time to live up to your blog name tonight I think?

Joanie said...

Change your name, change your phone number, change the locks, and make them all live outside in a tent. That way there's more room in the fridge for snack foods and booze.

Hope the boy and the dog are feeling better and that you're less frazzled.

Jeanne said...

Sounds like Tightwad knows how to put a smile on your face -- and how to take it right back off again!

KJ said...

funny how some posts hit so close to home...

CK Lunchbox said...

Kid after my own heart. The girls watch those info-mercials and then recite them verbatim at dinner trying to convince us to buy Sham Wow's. "It's made by the Germans so ya know it's good..."

plo said...

FOR REAL! Anyone can tell when they walk in my door that Mom hasn't been home...crap everywhere, mayhem, and destruction! The two youngest love to write down the numbers to the infomercials for me, so I can order it as soon as I am done cleaning their mess.

Christine said...

This is why I am so thankful that my mother lives around the block. I don't even want to know what I would come home to if I left SCM and the princess to their own devices for an entire day.

Shudder.

Pollyanna said...

Sick kids suck.

Sick husbands suck more.

My kids know the words to "If I Had A Million Dollars" because my husband calls me so often. Isn't that a great song to associate with your spouse?

Moannie said...

Have just read through your blog and now can understand why you have over one thousand followers-yikes! You are one very funny lady.

Char said...

Nothing welcomes you home like sick kids, dogs, and carpet stains. And, of course....THE SMELL!

Brian Miller said...

really i am only laughing to keep from crying at the memories.

Craig Glenn said...

Dear Tightwad and Golden Boy,

I was sad to hear of your recent illness, trials, and tribulations. I hope this message in a Vodka bottle finds you still among the physical word. Sometimes I have to ask myself if you are real or just another figment of a little too much ‘tini imagination. (no offense VM) (In fact I put a spell on you so you can read the rest of this) (No really, if you go any further the ghost of Halloween past will visit you)

But just in case you are real, here is some advice:

1)
Get VM in a program.

2)
I understand the phone calls, you have to keep up with them or they wonder off.

3)
I understand having to play sick so you can stay home and finally get some house work done and throw out the recycling. (Ok haul a load of empty vodka bottles to the dump)

4)
Don’t you hate when they blame it on the dog!

Well good luck to y’all and hand in there. Have you tried to water down the Vodka a little bit?

Just an observation…

Craig Glenn (*hiccup*)

LadyFi said...

Sounds like a wild day! Be scared, be very scared...

Sprite's Keeper said...

Last time I let John stay home with a sick Sprite, it took me 2 weeks to get everything back to normal, including the dogs.
xoxo

Captain Dumbass said...

In response to Skylarsdad saying that we're not all that stupid, true. But we are all that lazy.

Nicole said...

Moms always get it done!!!!

Secretia Teller said...

They'll do anything or say anything to stay in bed most of the day and then spend all afternoon with the tv set on.

staceyjwarner said...

MEN!

xoxo

Real Live Lesbian said...

At least dogs don't sit with their hands down their pants. ;)

Ann's Rants said...

Look at it this way--now you know what to ask for for Mother's Day.

NO not a dicer/slicer

YOUR OWN DAMNED SICK DAY!

This was very funny, btw.

Oh, and I believe that people have real encounters with dead people.

just making my way said...

Ah, the joys of infomercials! My Wonderboy is a sucker for those every time - good thing he doesn't know where to find my bank card!

Courtney Mroch said...

Oh gosh! This is great. I just recently discovered the wry humor of Erma Bombeck. (Someone gave me her Forever, Erma book when I was going through my cancer treatments after I told them the thing I needed most of all besides prayers was laughter.)
Your blog and your sense of humor is that same way. LOVE IT! Thanks for my daily chuckle. =)

Beth said...

Was there cake at the going away party? I love cake! :)

Too funny!

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