WHY do I always learn things the HARD WAY???
Today is the day - THE day. I am 50 years old. What have I learned?
I have learned that you are never too old to learn a lesson. I’ve had lots of embarrassing moments over the years, and I actually like to call them “great learning opportunities." They are often the most important lessons of all.
1. When I first started teaching fifth grade, I showed a whale video to the whole class, and in the middle of it this HUGE penis was flashed on the screen – FREEZE FRAMED, as the narrator described the huge penis (16 feet in diameter) of a gray whale. I only knocked over two kids and one garbage can as I FLEW over to the VCR to shut it off. The School District Superintendent brought that story up when I ran into him at my school several weeks later. He still laughs about it to this day.
2. When I lived in California I was invited to a lovely Christmas Dinner at the incredible home of a rich, well-to-do family who had befriended us. I decided to bring my Grandmother’s famous Christmas Bean Soup (a tradition of my mother’s large Slovak family…). I forgot how GASSY everyone would get after eating it. Needless to say, I have NEVER served that at a party since. NEVER!!!!!
3. Two summers ago I had a jewelry party at my house (against my better judgment) for a friend of mine. When the consultant was preparing her grand displays, my son proudly said to her, “My mother said that if she weren’t HOSTING this party, she would NEVER EVER be going to it.” It appears he has inherited the foot-in-mouth gene from my side of the family.
4. Another day when I was teaching fifth grade, I wore pajamas to school. I thought they were classy day-wear from V. Secret, but the girls kept saying, "Mrs. Smith, are you wearing pajamas?” When I got home I called my sister, who sent them to me, and she said, “Hell yes, they ARE pajamas.” So there. Dang it.
5. I sat through three parent conferences several years ago with my zipper down. Finally, one mom had the courage to let me know.
Last night I received an innocent email from a friend of mine. I opened it, and pushed something I shouldn’t have pushed and it gobbled up my email contact list like a hot fudge sundae and spammed them all.
In my contact list were members of my huge extended family, wonderful blogging friends and colleagues from work. Oh, and did I mentioned that very important agent from NEW YORK CITY that I have been stalking for nine months now? Yeah. He’s in the list. And, as of last night, he SURELY received at least a dozen spam emails from yours truly.
That will SURELY impress him, don’t you think?
However, let me put this latest faux pas into perspective. Did I lose a precious family member? Did I lose a dear friend or colleague? Was my life altered in a horrible tragic way? Did my husband lose his job again? No, no, no and no.
Today I am celebrating my birthday. And even though my life is filled with bumps and twists and sometimes-embarrassing turns- I am very proud of the woman I have become.
I am human.
Now where’s my damn champagne?