10/18/09

Secrets to Driving your MOTHER INSANE…by her teenage daughter.


1. Wait until late in the day before you start your first job to tell your mother that you need new black pants and a WHITE shirt to wear to your job the NEXT MORNING. She knows how fun it is to shop with someone who thinks she’s fat and nothing fits her. (Frankly, she’d rather sit through a root canal with no anesthesia.)

2. If you’re lucky, it’ll be the day of the local college HOMECOMING football extravaganza, and the stores, streets, parking lots and intersections will all be packed.

3. If you are triply lucky, your particular town (In Oregon) will have had a freak snowstorm that closed schools, and brought down branches, trees and power lines, making the shopping spree even more enjoyable. (Did we fail to mention that all parking lots of said stores were doubling as designating tailgate areas?)

4. After your mother goes to bed, you and your sister could bake the double bag of Betty Crocker chocolate chip cookie mix, and then leave a hell of a mess in the kitchen for your mother to discover in the morning. (Make sure to cover your ears while you’re sleeping.)

5. Insist that your mother hem your pants (with real thread and not duct tape) one hour before you are to leave for work. Then, stand two feet from her – all the while breathing down her neck and rattle her SO much that she sews both hems on the OUTSIDE of the pants. This will REALLY make her happy. (Who knew she could hem in under ten minutes when under pressure?)


6. Oh, and make sure that the only way you speak to her during this whole enjoyable weekend is by yelling. Very loud.




78 comments:

Deb Thaxton said...

-->I can't believe the snow you got. It looked Very cold when I watched the homecoming game (in Oregon).
At least Sassy has a J-O-B!

Pop and Ice said...

Why do they always wait till the last minute before telling us about something that is needed that day or (the best) tomorrow morning when it's 9pm the night before?!

feefifoto said...

Wow! Who knew it was so easy? Where can I get my own copy of this amazing manual?

PurestGreen said...

Was feeling a little broody yesterday. This has fixed me - a great reminder of why I don't want children. Thank you.

Secretia said...

Well, I surprised my mom and dad with hundreds of last minute needs as a kid too. Having to be driven somewhere when they were on the way somewhere else was one of the things that occurred a lot. Mom was so pissed, she usually told me to hitchhike or stay home. Dad would agree to drive, if I bought him a beer on the way!

Secretia

Vodka Logic said...

Again, do you have cameras in my house...

SSP said...

you didn't staple the hem? impressive. My mom insisted I take home ec in 7th grade and from then on refused to hem things for me....as IF i could hem them evenly while they were on my body.....

Madison said...

It's just the beginning.

La Belle Mere UK said...

Don't worry - not long now and you can set them free into the world and your work here will be done! ;-)

My mother put the flags out the day I left home!

NOT looking forward to my stepkids being teenagers!

LBM xxxx

Rachel Cotterill said...

Sounds like fun... Wish I'd had a handy step-by-step guide when I was a teenager!

Midwest Mommy said...

As always you crackle up.

That One Mom said...

I'm so excited to have that in my home!!!!

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

My mom had three daughters. Now I know why she was on Valium.

Fear and Parenting in Las Vegas said...

Oh dear God. I think I did this to my mom a few times back int eh days. Thanks for the preview into my life in about 10 more years.

Steven Anthony said...

kinda sounds like one of those after school special shows.....sorry, but it did make me gigle just a bit...with you, not at you, unless your not giggling, then I guess I would be doing it at you...in that case never mind, I never cracked a smile...not one;)

peace

otin said...

I think another way that you can drive your Mother insane is to be totally self sufficient and never need her last minute help or advice for anything! Yea, that drives you Mom's nuts! LOL!

only a movie said...

Ativan has made my teenaged-drama induced weekend almost bearable.

xoxo

Anne said...

Version .12 in Eastern Oregon is to spend 2 hours on coloring homework (in sixth grade, really?) and then wait until Mommy Dearest is snuggled in bed to watch trashy tv... then you walk in hysterical that you have 10 math problems that you need help with. Are you effing kidding me? That will do here, thank you very much!

Snappy Di said...

Sometimes teenagers just suck don't they.

Di

Suzy said...

I'm trying to remember if I did any of that shit to my mom. Probably not as I was such a perfect child.

Travis Erwin said...

This post makes me grateful I have two boys. Though I know they come with their own set of trouble.

Beth said...

If only you weren't so darn reliable. She is lucky to have you for a mother. Very lucky, indeed.

S3XinthePantry said...

I think they're made that way...so it's easier when they leave home.

First job is a big step - glad she didn't have to show up in her bathrobe!

just making my way said...

These posts scare me.

Thank god for Hollywood Tape. I wouldn't have a damn thing hemmed without that stuff.

3 Men and a Lady said...

Ha, I remember when *I* thought I was too fat and nothing fit and was a PITA to take shopping.

Now, I really AM too fat and nothing really fits.

Semi-Slacker Mom said...

Oh goody. I can't wait till Sass is a teenage.

Brian Miller said...

you know, maybe i can keep my boys at the age they are now...

The Peach Tart said...

I guess running away from home is not a possibility.

Homemaker Man said...

You are a goood mom. I never would've been able to wake my mom up in time. Would've ended up hemming them myself with safety pins and whatever sort of tape I could find.

AS Amber said...

Where's Miss Sass working? Oh maybe you left that out on purpose. Anyway, they are very naughty girls indeed. LOL

I've been thinking about you a lot this past month. My dad died 5 wks ago and I just keep thinking about you having lost your mom just a few yrs after your dad. I never knew of your strength until I had to go through it too.

Not The Rockefellers said...

You live in a Fear Factor episode or a sweatshop :)

Take your pick!

Peace~Rene

Liss said...

Oh I think I'm going to leave home now. My girls are 5, 4 and 4. There's no hope right?

SweetPeaSurry said...

Ahh well I'll give you a shortcut on the hemming ... get some of that hem-tape from the fabric store ... that stuff rocks in a pinch. Although, you sound handy enough with a needle that probably just hemming them would have been faster. Who knows!!! I think you're a terrific mom being able to do all that on the fly and under such seemingly insurmountable odds. Well done!

Ms. Sarah said...

could have been my moms home last thursday when ct got snow. snow my mom doesnt drive in and my brother screaming about homework and supplies he needed for a project due the next day.

Oh what i have to look foward to.

Tammy Howard said...

Oh, teen girls are just a non-stop party, aren't they?

Maureen@IslandRoar said...

Just remember (and remind her) that however she treats you, her children will treat her times 10.
This is a scientific FACT!!!
I sew hems too, but doesn't she know most moms can't sew on a button! And she would have needed a tailor? Who would have stuck her with the needle when she yelled at him?

Joanie M said...

And my youngest daughter wonders why I keep my cell phone on silent and return the call on AFTER I've had alcohol.

Joanie M said...

I'm also thanking the gods that2 of my kids are away at college and the oldest living on her own in another state.

CatLadyLarew said...

And is said daughter still among the living?

Lynn said...

Time: 10:05 pm
Daughter runs into my bedroom and says hysterically, "I forgot! I s'posta bring the strawberries for Brownies tomorrow!"

Smart Mouth Broad said...

Isn't this the M.O. of every teenager? Or maybe just girls? Anyway, I feel your pain. Be strong, my friend.

buffalodick said...

Jeez, you make womanhood seem like a lost bet! I had boys- HeeHeeHee...

Lisa said...

As if they need ideas......when I am thisclose to losing it, I wonder if there will be a time to sit back and watch them be mothers to their own teens one day.....mwahahahaha.

Jeanne said...

Old enough to get a job, old enough to hem.

Jeve (aka John and Steve) said...

oooooooh...some real insight here!

AJ said...

:0) I told God that I didn't want a girl... He didn't listen. I did. LOL! I love it! Aren't teen girls so much fun?! (I've worked with teens for 14 years in ministry)
Thank you for the giggle!
(PS. Looking for more followers... any takers??)

Janie at Sounding Forth said...

You could have sewed her lips shut!

Twenty Four At Heart said...

When did my daughter move in with you? When?

♥ Braja said...

I'm with Janie....sew 'em SHUT. And I still am sticking to my Bona Fide Child Abuse theory....why have you not taken it up? Could have saved yourself all this trouble.....

Moonlight Hollow Musings said...

Aren't you glad that we are SO APPRECIATED? Isn't it amazing how stupid and inept we become as they get older? Here is the fun payoff...one day they will have kids!
Dont' know if I can wait that long? How about you?

Malisa

Laggin said...

Oh, hun, you needed a good strong martini...maybe dirty and blue. Mmmm. No wait...maybe that's what I need.

Desert Songbird said...

Holy crap. You mean their poor sense of time management only gets WORSE as they get older?!

I need more vodka.

NOW.

King of New York Hacks said...

Send her up in that UFO with Falcon for a little while....she'll come down to earth real quick. lol

Tortuga said...

Aren't kids great!

Gaston Studio said...

Duct tape? Seriously? Teach the girl to sew her own pants or use that magical tape that you buy at fabric stores... whatever it's called!

marymac said...

LOVE IT! as mom of teen (Who regularly says "Why don't you BLOG about it MOM?!") I say BRAVO! And she started HER own blog-- so now I'm really in trouble!

marymac said...

LOVE IT! as mom of teen (Who regularly says "Why don't you BLOG about it MOM?!") I say BRAVO! And she started HER own blog-- so now I'm really in trouble!

Expat mum said...

You are WAY too nice. If my kids present me with anything at the eleventh hour it's just too bad. Took a few times for them to learn but it worked.

Bina said...

wow. you have that many followers? Holy Crap! And I'm sure you get tons of comments, so do you comment on other's blogs or just comment on the comments on YOUR blog? Just curious!

Honey, I have a 14 year old girl, so yea, been there done that, and wanted to pull her hair out, but of course, I bowed to her instead. (Not really, but it's easier giving in then arguing about it. Those teens today could argue the strips off a bumble bee!)

Ivanhoe said...

Ahhhhh...teenagers. I don't know if I could deal with that. More power to you, Vodka :o)

Wild Child said...

Thank God it's Monday.

And hey, by the way, love your blog.
Check it out.

Kate Coveny Hood said...

Ah....teenage girls are so much fun.

manker said...

gives new meaning to the "no spin zone" :)

gp

Anna See said...

i'm feeling totally grumpy for you on this one. next time, let her hem her own pants with a stapler. she mouths off? how about a staple gun?

Life As I Know It said...

Oh God, that stressed me out just reading it.
Mostly the part about waking up to a mess in the kitchen...

The Mind of a Mom said...

I am sorry to inform you The girl is banned from reading your post as this might just give her ideas. Please note that my heart goes out to you but this one time I don't want to be in the same boat!
Luv Ya ~ SoccerMom huggss :o)

Pop and Ice said...

I pulled a skirt out of my hamper today - it had tape on the hem. I think you best mosey on over to my house and help me get caught up on my mending!

Stacie said...

DUCT TAPE? I haven't tried that!! I must commit it to memory. Now sewing a hem to the wrong side of the cuff? Yes, I have done THAT!

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The Expatresse said...

Is my 9-year-old living with you? She likes to say similar things.

"Oh, by the way, I have a math test tomorrow and I need a compass."

Grrrr. because, really, I can't not get her a compass for her math test.

But I live in Moscow. So it's not like I can bop into the Target.

LadyFi said...

Whoa.. .they wouldn't let you use duct tape to put up the hem?? Now that's cruel and unusual punishment!

Crys said...

You should have just stapled the pant hem up. :)

adrienne said...

The service is never quite to their satisfaction, is it?
You are a very good sport. I would've gone with the duct tape.

the mama bird diaries said...

HA! Brilliant.

GG said...

*sigh* Oh, memories... We must all admit, we loved doing this to our mothers. And we have daughters so they may do it to us in return. :)

Midlife Jobhunter said...

I'm thinking it is a good thing I had boys. Whole different ball game, however.

Geezees Geezees Custom Canvas Art said...

Ahh...Teenage girls are so much fun.

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