10/2/09

The Wonder Years...

Dear Mom,






Sigh.


I realize that I can’t change any of the events that have happened in my life. I know I can’t bring you back and I truly DO try to look forward and not backwards; but some days ... I wonder.


I wonder if you stand by me as I watch my children stumble, fumble and bumble through life. Have you seen me cry after our many screaming matches? Do you feel my heart swell with pride as I watch the young woman that Bitchy is becoming? Do you nod your head knowingly as I watch Sassy fight like a tiger on the field of play? Do you send me advice as I struggle to help the Golden Boy find his way?


Yeah, I often wonder.


My heart returns to you often, hoping that you feel its truth, that you feel my strength and that you feel my love. And when I despair and struggle and painfully put one foot in front of the other, are you the one who lifts me?


Yes.


I wonder.






(Sometimes, if I listen very, very hard, I can hear you laugh...)



76 comments:

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

You made me tear up on this one Vodka. I believe she knows it all.

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

And your mom is a gorgeous woman.

Funny in my mind said...

That last line made tears come to my eyes. I lost my mom 2 years ago this Dec. and I am terrified that I will forget her voice, her smell and most importantly- her laugh.

♥ Braja said...

She is beautiful, VM....now I see where you get it from. It's not just physical beauty that makes her so appealing....although that? She has in spades. But her smile and her eyes shine with something more.

So much you've inherited....
xo

Barrie said...

Ahhh....that was so sweet. xo

Barrie said...

OH, and I meant to say that I loved the photos.

Kathleen said...

My heart goes out to you VM. How I miss my mother and her wisdom and wit. We were lucky, weren't we?

CarrieAnn said...

Okay, now I'm crying too. Yes, I believe your mom is with you, and I'll bet that she is very proud of what she sees.

Ekanthapadhikan said...

Your mom looks gorgeous! And I can relate with what you're saying. No. I still have my mom around. It's my dad that I miss.

Laoch of Chicago said...

Fine post.

Hi! I'm Alex said...

You know what's weird? My husband's mother died a few years ago and she's my Wonder Years Mom. I know she would have gotten a hell of a lot of joy out of our lives and all our kids whereas my own mom just criticizes the crap outa our lives. Weird huh?

Jan said...

I miss my mother too. Sometimes, I not only hear her laugh at us - I hear her roar.

Your mother was beautiful.

WeaselMomma said...

What beautiful pictures to accompany a beautiful post.

Alix said...

The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Your mother is a beautiful woman and so are you.

It breaks my heart how painful her loss is for you. All I can say is that you were blessed to have a mother you loved so much and for whom you still yearn. We don't all have that parent nor will we struggle with their loss. Which is better? Which is worse?

I think to have loved and lost, but that's just me.

Thinking of you in Florida...

The Peach Tart said...

Aw. What a sweet post. You're Mom was a real beauty.

Charmaine said...

You should try the Hormone patch.

It provides endless amusement. In fact, I'm working on a script called, Sisterhood of the Traveling Hormone Patch.

Here are some sample remarks from my last boyfriend:
Hey what's THAT? Is that a panti liner?" (Charmaine fails to respond)

"What the HELL is this stuck on the bottom of my flip flop?"(Charmaine fails to respond)

One night, with horror, I noticed it had come off and stuck to a part of his anatomy I cannot mention.

What do I do? Rip it off like a bandaid? Ahhh

Mrs. E said...

Beautiful post. Your mom had a Jackie Kennedy look. I'm glad I'm not the only one who wonders about these things!

Gaston Studio said...

I envy you having had that kind of relationship with your mother... and she is a beauty.

Not The Rockefellers said...

I have learned that when you hear the laughter it's time for you to join in!

I love you and have a great weekend:)

Peace - Rene

Being Brazen said...

beautiful post!

Vodka Logic said...

Lovely post. I am so glad to have my mom and dad around. I am sure your mom is proud of you and your children.
xx

Jeff D'Antonio said...

There is no doubt in my mind that she's there with you - picking you up when you fall, cheering for you when things go well, and crying for you when they don't. I can see that in her eyes.

If you listen with your heart, you will hear her.

Cora said...

That was absolutely beautiful.

Marty Krider said...

What a beautiful post. I lost my dad 25 years ago. I can no longer hear his voice in my head. The pictures you put with the post are fantastic! Beauty....

A Mom on Spin said...

Beautiful.

staskym said...

once again what a great post of remembrance of your Mom, mine has been gone for 5 years and i KNOW she (and my DAD who left us 15 years ago) are watching us all the time i can still hear my parents voice and laughter. i think i posted this last time but i even have a little pot of my mom's makeup that i open and smell just to give me comfort. i know her and dad would have wanted to be here to meet our mid-life crises babies, they loved mini James soo much and had wanted us to have more kids for them to spoil.thank you once again for a wonderful post and the memories that you have of a wonderful Mom.

Elaine said...

Your mom was such a beautiful woman, I am privileged to have known her. I am sure that you can hear her laugh cause I can remember it. I look at the pictures and see you, Kathy, and Bobby in her. I am sure that she sees the three of you and your families and is resting in peace with a big smile on her face.

Annabelle said...

Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful VM... What lovely thought-track writing. Beautiful... I'm sure she's always by your side.

only a movie said...

I'm sure she is with you every step of the way.

And how gorgeous is she?

Happy Friday, VM.

Maureen@IslandRoar said...

God, she's beautiful. It must be a comfort to know part of her is right there in your children.
Beautiful post.

CatLadyLarew said...

What a lovely post!

buffalodick said...

Raising kids.. When you finally know how to do it, it's already done..

Kathy's Klothesline said...

Bittersweet, isn't it? I wish I thought my mom would be watching me and my children from the great beyond with joy and love...... but that just wasn't her. I am sure that if she is watching she has found fault with most everything we do..... You are so lucky to have the love she left in you, never forget that.

Anna See said...

Aargh. I know. How I know.

Beautiful pictures of your mom!

Courtney said...

This just has me in tears! I so often wonder the same exact things about my mother. Most days i just smile and move on knowing she is watching and proud but other i wonder what she thinks, is she there, does she help me when i have no answers.

Thank you for sharing!

Live.Love.Eat said...

You make me want to not take my mom for granted, even in the times she is a royal pain in the butt. Because I know one day when she is gone I will wish she could be a lovely pain once more.

This was beautiful!

Linda said...

What a nice post.

I am lucky enough to still have both parents and a great relationship with them. We lost J's mom 2 years ago, and I often feel her presence.

It brings me a great deal of joy to look at family pictures and remember the day, the occasion and the feelings of love and laughter caught forever.

Steven Anthony said...

I hope they can see us....Maybe your mom and my mom are watching us together...smiling down on us;)

Sue said...

Loved your post, and it is interesting how at certain times in our lives we miss our mom's so much. My mom died a few days after my first grandbaby was born and although its been three years there are times I'm really pissed off. And other times, I just miss her. There is special bond with moms and daughters, and you lost your mom way too soon. I'm glad you keep the memory of her alive!

Secretia said...

We do appreciate the time our mothers spent with us.

Maggie May said...

this was just so tender. she had a marvelous face.

Melanie said...

Yes! She hears it, feels it, sees it, and shares it all with you. Now, I have to go find something to wipe up the crocodile tears I just released upon my desk...

Brian Miller said...

keep listening because i imagine she is right there watching....touching piece VM...loved the pics as well.

foxy said...

I just love reading these posts about your mother. The love is so evident and it always makes me tear up... and, of course, think about my own mom, who I love dearly.

Thanks for sharing such a beautiful place in your heart.

Andrea said...

You brought me to tears.

I lost my mother 7 years ago December and I wish everyday she was here to see her grandson.

Real Live Lesbian said...

She's right there with you every step of the way. You know she wouldn't miss it! :)

P.S. I believe in ghosts, too. Especially considering how much my dead cousin Sheila messes with me.

♥georgie♥ said...

this post brought tears to my eyes...beautiful just beautiful

Suzanne said...

Now we see where you got your good looks!

Suzy said...

***Sometimes, if I listen very, very hard, I can hear you laugh***


That's me, you idiot. AND STOP CALLING ME MOM.

SkylersDad said...

That was beautiful, stop making me cry dammit!

Kate Coveny Hood said...

What a beauty! And I'm sure she's there with you - and very proud.

*Akilah Sakai* said...

Your words were beautiful, your mom is beautiful ... and so are you.

phd in yogurtry said...

And I can feel her heart swell. She misses you, too.

Pastor Sharon said...

Ah. . . to miss your Mom. . . there is that feeling of wishing we could just have that "Mom with skin on" so we could hug them, hold them, talk, listen, let them know. . . hear their story as of late. . .
I am sending you love and hugs.
And by the way, your mother is just beautiful!

LegalMist said...

I'm sure she's there, and very proud of you and her grandkids. And Tightwad, too, no doubt...

She is so beautiful in these photos. I bet she was even more beautiful in person.

Joanie M said...

Ah, you have me thinking of my own Mom. She would have been 85 on Sept 7 and will be gone from us for 10 years this Oct 15.

TMCPhoto said...

here I am, one more reader here to tell you that she's there. She wouldn't be if you didn't think of her, remember her and wonder.

adrienne said...

Wow, stunning photos.
I have similar thoughts every day...

Clare said...

Stopping by for the first time from SITS. I am in awe of your blog (and your expansive following) of which I have just joined the ranks. hope that you stop by and follow me too.

Clare, Ca.
http://thelilacgrove.blogspot.com

Captain Dumbass said...

Is it ok to say your mom was hawt?

staceyjwarner said...

Yes, she is with you and yes if you listen closely, you will hear her laugh! she was a beautiful woman full of so much life...

do you smell her scent sometimes?

Much love, beautiful post!

otin said...

I don't think that you can ever truly lose your Mom. I think that she is a part of your being and that the things that make you who you are, are just traits that have been passed down from her. You know that she is watching because it is through your eyes that she sees, for you are still a part of her, just as your children will always be a part of you. No, you can never truly lose your Mom, but you can miss her from time to time.

Angie Ledbetter said...

I don't wonder at all where you got all your beauty, inside and out. This post made me cry.

Roberta said...

hi.i've never commented on your blog before...but have been reading for god knows how long...can't even remember how i got here....but one of the things that has kept me here is your obvious love for your mom...and the hilarious shit in your daily life...lol....i lost my mom 6 years ago at the young age of 56...and i know that that sweet ol thing has been with me every day since...lost my dad 3 yrs ago and yeah he's here with me too.....being an only child and having only one grandchild...i can honestly say...they are still helping me raise a fine young man...and he feels it too.....sorry for the book....just love your posts..and look forward to them everyday wether i get a good laugh or a good cry....they both heal....thank you...xoxoxoxo

Irish Chick Soup said...

I don't so much wonder as feel that it's almost certainly true.

Zip n Tizzy said...

My guess is, "Yes."
Beautiful.

anymommy said...

She's gorgeous, like you. I think yes, she's with you.

flutter said...

she does, I promise.

Heather in Montreal said...

I know she is with you every step of the way. Like my mom is with me. Gone 23 years now at 58 years old, never met her two gorgeous grandsons but I know she is with us.

Ann's Rants said...

Those PICTURES.

Wow, you guys look alike.

I want to say something profound about Mothers and how she's a part of you, but this mind is officially mush.

xo

Good thing I write a humor blog.

Joanie said...

She's there, hon. And you know what? She's proud of you and your family.

The Stiletto Mom said...

Beautiful, this post and your mother...

Bernie said...

I wrote an e-mail to you I guess. Anyway I thought your blog was so touching and so beautiful. Your mom is beautiful and so are you. She is with you in your heart and soul always.

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Smart Mouth Broad said...

You did it again...I'm crying. :-) Your mother was a beautiful woman.

Patti said...

You will see your mom again. I saw mine last evening when my grandaughter looked at me with eyes that are the same color and shape as hers were. I saw her on Sunday when my grandson walked in a smiled at me. I see her also everytime my daughters are reading a book to their child. She is still alive in the children of my children.