This is a Public Service Announcement from one of the gymnasts from the Olga Korbut/ Nadia Comaneci era. Thanks to YOU, hardwood floors, old wrestling mats, READ WOODEN balance beams and a hardwood gym floor that we ran down to vault, I am now a creaky, arthritic woman who brags about glory days and downs anti-inflammatories like there’s NO tomorrow.
These are some of the perks that those 10 years of competitive gymnastics have given me.
1. Remember when you could just put on your panties by lifting one leg, balancing and slipping the panties on? NOW I have to hold onto something for God’s sake. Jesus, I actually have to hold ONTO something.
2. I continue to embarrass myself when I try to squat into the tub and fall just inches from the bottom, causing a splash that is beginning to make Tightwad wonder WHY the hallway is flooded each night. (Shhh, it’s our little secret.)
3. I can’t ride for more than two hours in a car, or I am walking like Ruth Buzzi after a long night on Laugh-In. (Sigh. I miss that *&%^ show.)
4. Thanks to our incredible music teacher who FORCED us all to dance to Jingle Bell Rock at the Christmas Sing-a-long, I haven’t been able to walk for six days. (Okay, the vodka helps, but my knees are still SWOLLEN for God’s sake. I told her I shouldn’t do the dance.)
5. Oh, and remember that nice firm butt and strong muscular legs I was so proud of in high school and college? Well, guess what happens to muscle 25 years LATER? GUESS? (It ain’t pretty.)
I now know why old ladies walk with a determined look in their eyes, and have something that is NOT tea in their teacups.
Gymnastics rocks, my &**. I should’ve taken up sharp-shooting.