12/30/09

That is not junk in my trunk.



This is a Public Service Announcement from one of the gymnasts from the Olga Korbut/ Nadia Comaneci era. Thanks to YOU, hardwood floors, old wrestling mats, READ WOODEN balance beams and a hardwood gym floor that we ran down to vault, I am now a creaky, arthritic woman who brags about glory days and downs anti-inflammatories like there’s NO tomorrow.


These are some of the perks that those 10 years of competitive gymnastics have given me.

1. Remember when you could just put on your panties by lifting one leg, balancing and slipping the panties on? NOW I have to hold onto something for God’s sake. Jesus, I actually have to hold ONTO something.


2. I continue to embarrass myself when I try to squat into the tub and fall just inches from the bottom, causing a splash that is beginning to make Tightwad wonder WHY the hallway is flooded each night. (Shhh, it’s our little secret.)


3. I can’t ride for more than two hours in a car, or I am walking like Ruth Buzzi after a long night on Laugh-In. (Sigh. I miss that *&%^ show.)


4. Thanks to our incredible music teacher who FORCED us all to dance to Jingle Bell Rock at the Christmas Sing-a-long, I haven’t been able to walk for six days. (Okay, the vodka helps, but my knees are still SWOLLEN for God’s sake. I told her I shouldn’t do the dance.)


5. Oh, and remember that nice firm butt and strong muscular legs I was so proud of in high school and college? Well, guess what happens to muscle 25 years LATER? GUESS? (It ain’t pretty.)


I now know why old ladies walk with a determined look in their eyes, and have something that is NOT tea in their teacups.


Gymnastics rocks, my &**. I should’ve taken up sharp-shooting.


55 comments:

oddharmonic said...

If you'd been a shooter, you'd have early onset squint lines and arthritis in your hands. It's like you can't win with sports.

My father-in-law had a double knee replacement a few years ago. It's almost comical to watch him walk around, but he says it beats how much he hurt before the surgery. (Also, he says we should replace our couch because it's gotten to the point of swallowing people who sit on it.)

Mad Woman said...

Oh you're hilarious!! I feel for you. I've often wondered what kind of pain ex-athletes are in on a daily basis. Now I sort of know.

The Renaissance Chick said...

Ain't it the truth? What? You can't hear me? Your ears are ruined from the jolts you gave them in gymnastics? AIN'T IT THE TRUTH? Is that better? Shit.

Malisa

Tortuga said...

Haha, my knees will never forgive me for playing catcher in softball all those years!

Joanie said...

Welcome to my world! I'm so glad I'm not here alone.

Bicycling (lots of hills and going for speed) and softball gave me strong thighs that have turned to mush in my later years.

Kids gave me this amazing flabby gut.

I'm hoping my 50s is better and that I lose enough memory to not remember how much I ached the day before.

3 Men and a Lady said...

I know your drink is vodka, but I hear gin soaked golden raisins help out with arthritis and inflammation. May be worth a shot. *pun unintended!*

And I am only 30, but I am already finding out what happens to muscular legs as they age. My cheerleader legs and butt are not what they used to be.

3 Men and a Lady said...

Oh, and Sassy looks just like you!

Captain Dumbass said...

My right knee and lower back are groaning in sympathy.

Secretia said...

Do something about it, get moving, walk briskly an hour a day, get in some exercise, get a hand gripper and use it when your driving or sitting around. Stop with the old-age crap, You're young enough to get healthier and feel better.

Have a great 2010!

Secretia

♥ Braja said...

I bet you could still do that pose with a bit more vodka in ya :))))

xoxoxxo

Vodka Logic said...

For some reason the computer wasn't letting me comment.. the window were flickering weird... it was my belly leaning over the keyboard hitting the space bar... 'nuf said.
Off to cry.. lol

otin said...

Hers what I got out of this:

I am picturing a naked woman putting her panties on.

I am picturing a naked woman in a bath tub.

I am picturing a naked woman with muscular legs.

I really need a hobby! LMAO!!!

A Woman Of No Importance said...

VKMom, you need to rub the alcohol on your knees, not drink it! I swear... I know just what it's like to have bits falling off, my sweet, I hope you achieve some resolution (and not the anti-inflamm pills, which wreck your stomach eventually...) soonest. Love and Happy New Year to you, my pet! Fhi x

WeaselMomma said...

Hmmmm. Santa brought Monkey Weasel gymnastics classes that she has been begging 2 years for for Christmas. Maybe the old fella is losing it.

Brian Miller said...

T was a ballerina for 18 years...i guess our days will begin to get a little more interesting eh?

sAm said...

Eh. I was a competitive shooter. Now I can't hear worth crap.
And I creak.

Scope said...

Having been a sharp shooter may have provided you with the skills to handle certain challenges in your life.

Before they even heard the shot.

Lynn from For Love or Funny said...

Yup. I hear your pain.

Snappy Di said...

Yep.... I danced and danced and danced throughout my younger years and now my knees and feet scream at me daily. OH, and hey, this keyboard dance is not doing the old finger knuckles and shoulders any favors either!

Di
The Blue Ridge Gal

Coco said...

I only have to sit for 30 and then I get out walking all hunched over and stiff. Kind of like the old Frankenstein. If I squat I had better have something to pull myself back up with. Geez. Getting older is HELL.

A Mom With A View said...

Toooo funny...I love the one about the panties with one leg...that is really sad ...but true...and to add...I remember having random bursts of energy, and want to just start running for no apparent reason...Good times..!!

Maggie, dammit said...

Pahahaha! The bathtub one especially got me. Vivid imagery, my friend.

Joanie M said...

Oh I hear you, Sister!

My right knee hurts every night and my lower back kills me whenever I try to roll over in bed.

Speaking of that.... rolling over in bed is near to impossible. I turn over like I did when I was pregnant... onto my back then onto my other side. Wakes me up every time.

and let's not EVEN talk about bladders!

Getting old sucks, but the alternative is worse!

Melissa B. said...

Yeah, I was a competitive swimmer. Can you say perpetually sore shoulders? And swimmers decidedly DO NOT have the best posture in the world, either. Hope y'all have a good new year, and enjoy the rest of your time off. You never know, in these financially stressful times, when your Principal Man might decree that Spring Break will be used for the Inservices from Hell.

Suzy said...

I take 8 Advil a day. My body hates me.

Laggin said...

So it is a good thing that I never did master the back-handspring, right?

Beth said...

You are hilarious!

This reminds me of my grandmother's secret recipe that helps her fight arthritis. She soaks raisins in RUM. The raisins swell up to their size when they were grapes. Then my grandmother eats 10 before each meal and before bedtime.

But she will tell you that she is a teetotaler.

Emily said...

I have creaky knees from netball and basketball. I did gymnastics for a few years but wasn't very good!

SkylersDad said...

I hear you sister!! I sound kind of like my coffee pot in the morning now.

CSY said...

Oh holy hell! I'm 37 and I can't sneak up on my kids anymore cuz I creak...the reason? I took ballet until I was 15, played socer AND softball growing up. I HATE GETTING OLD!

FRANNIE said...

I hear ya only for me it was ballet.

Anyone that says ballerinas are lovely and pretty did not see the effects of 15 years - 5 being pointe - on their feet.

Real dancers DO NOT have lovely feet and who knew you could have damaged shoulders.

Pass the vodka and the advil.

blognut said...

I have a few helpful suggestions:

Don't wear panties. Just give them up.

Give up baths - take showers.

Fly.

Vicodin.

Wear loose-fitting clothing and no one will know that your ass and legs have gone to hell.

See how helpful I am? It's only 'cause I care about you. :)

Michele said...

I'm right there with you. I've got a knee that has decided all on it own that it wants to face the back of my leg. Don't even get me started about perky breasts. Now they have to be rolled up and put away.

Carol said...

Getting old sucks when you really are not very old at all!

I ran my own cleaning service for 4 years - Aged my body by 10 years!

Vodka Mom said...

and MIGHT I add that I've had two carpal tunnel surgeries (best thing I've ever done) and one knee surgery. Frankly, I bought Dr. Smythe his new office building.

slouchy said...

THIS former gymnast shouts:

AMEN.

Steven Anthony said...

I would love to stand and salute you, but my arthritic knee wont allow me to

peace;)\ps. Thank God for vodka

seriously? said...

Getting older SUCK #@$!!!!! I hate that I THINK I can still do the things I used to do but, pay dearly for it for a week!!! Happy New Year!!!

Smart Mouth Broad said...

*sigh*

CatLadyLarew said...

The real trick is trying to get back up out of the friggin' bathtub with aching knees that don't work right. Pretty soon I'm going to start dialing 9-1- before getting into the bathtub... just in case.

Elenka said...

I was always jealous of gymnasts....after what you say, no more .Glad my 50+ year old bod is in perfect shape as a result of working out my wrist and fingers, drawing and painting all these years! (Dream on, Elenka....)
One good thing about getting old, we have lots of company!
(Altho, my 88 year old mom says, "not so much anymore.")

Carolyn...Online said...

I wish I could blame ten year of competitive gymanstics or my ass instead of four years of drinking beer in college followed swiftly by another twenty or so years of sitting on my ass drinking beer in my living room.

justsomethoughts... said...

if it's any consolation at all, you do make the berter part of 1248 people laugh. regularly.

justsomethoughts... said...

berter.


jesus...

madtexter (corey james) said...

This makes me laugh. I too took a few years of gymnastic when I was in school. And I was pretty good, even after breaking my arm. Still did back flips and tucks with my cast on and in a sling. It gave me a good upper body, but today my left leg is slightly sciatic. And if I do a backflip now...I see stars.

Anna See said...

Ruth Buzzi? You are killing me! I could totally picture that. :)

Pastor Sharon said...

I always knew my gym class was over rated. . . . now that I am older, I think to myself, what were they thinking. Now mind you, I never took a true gymnastics class. It was merely physical education. And still, there were tests we took on endurance and other things that made me think to myself, "No wonder, Mr. Watkins down the road walks all crooked and looks at us with a stink eye when we do cartwheels through her yard! She took gym class too many years in a row!"

phd in yogurtry said...

I was never a gymnast but I am in the midst of recovering from a repetitive strain injury caused by jitterbugging! And vodka most definitely does help, if only in the short term.

Kathy's Klothesline said...

Age on...... the alternative sucks!

Masala Chica said...

Really? That absolutely sucks. I would have thought that being all "gymnasticky", things would be different. I have always been deeply jealous of my friends who could do things like handsprings, splits and cartwheels. Because I can't do those very well (hmmm, AT ALL). But I am good at watching it on the olympics.

I am sorry you are feeling yucky - but some advil will work wonders.

happy new year Deb!
Kiran

the mama bird diaries said...

But doesn't that photo make it all worth it? No? Oh. Crap. I'm sorry.

Have a wonderful New Years!! xo

Maureen@IslandRoar said...

Oh, I was one of those girls envying you and thinking How Cool is it to be able to do Gymnastics like Nadia and Olga!!!
I'll bet your butt still rocks!

Paige said...

Same problem here--but mine is thanks to mid level gymnastics, but upper level swimming and diving. I am like a cartoon of a gorilla--monster thighs I built and monster shoulders from the swimming.

And now that I am trying to kill all that gut that came to join it, every part of me hurts.

Sucks gettting old.

Mrs. E said...

Guns and vodka--I sense trouble!

Wendy said...

First of all? That damn Secretia up there must be, what, 30? She doesn't know what the hell she's talking about yet!
Me? I'm holding off on the Knee replacement surgeries as long as I possibly can... Matter of fact, I'm hoping and praying that SOMEbody will invent something like that foam spray they used to have that you spray into your tire if you get a flat. I don't CARE if I have to do it every other MONTH! I DO NOT want the surgeries!!!
(Yet I still smile.)
=-)