3/30/10

What they don't tell you in "Teacher" School...



I spent a few minutes after school today slumped in my rocking chair beside the whiteboard. I was exhausted, as are most teachers the end of the FULL MOON day. (You cannot tell me that children don’t morph on days when there is a full moon. Teachers KNOW.)

I started thinking about what “real” people do during the day, and the things that THEY say while on the job.

Things like, “Nurse, scalpel!”

And, “Trade the stock! Trade now!”

Or even, “Your honor, I object!”


You know what I said today? You want to know ALL THE THINGS I said at work today? Here’s what my fried brain remembers:


“Jack, please get the play dough off your head, please."


“James, we do NOT talk about C-4 or any other kind of explosives in reading groups: or any other time during our day in kindergarten. Got it?”


“No, Jack, do not make Batman masks out of the play dough."


“Helen! HELEN!!! Do NOT eat the chicken legs in the play kitchen. They are FILTHY!”


“Rachel, were you sniffing the markers again? Yes, you were! Then why is your nose purple, red, brown and green?”


“Jack, no more play dough for you! For at least a week!” (Mrs. Jackson, did he put that in his pants? Really?)


“David – do NOT crawl under the table and eat those brownie crumbs! Stop it! There is no ten second rule when the floor is FILTHY.”


“People, I am begging you, please, please, PLEASE do NOT put your fingers in your noses. We have five billion boxes of tissues in this room that NO ONE USES. Well, except me."



And my family wonders why I'm a TAD tired when I get home.




56 comments:

Alicia J. Frey said...

This was fabulous. Thank you for the laughs. I'm currently one of those that say, "sell that stock" but I am in the process of converting to teacherhood. Looking at middle grade. My children make me say some things that no sane person should ever say. Gotta love 'em.

Everyday Goddess said...

But it would really suck if you were saying that stuff on a daily basis and you weren't a Kindergarten teacher.

Southern Belle Mama said...

I totally believe the full moon thing...a teacher on my grade level would print us out a full moon calendar for the year just so we could be prepared. It's like they turn into feral animals!

Lori said...

and we were thinking you sat around eating bonbons while the perfect angels educated themselves! :)

you're profession IS the most honorable, you know.

Ann's Rants said...

Great photo. Great job.

xo

Scope said...

But at least you get to go home to the spa like serenity of your house where your 3 loving children great you at the door with offers of back rubs, and warm water to soak your tired feet.

Right?

Right?

Why are you laughing so hard?

Mellodee said...

Many years ago, I would occasionally work the night shift in the E.R. of a large urban hospital. All of the hospital staff agreed that the full moon nights were absolutely the weirdest, oddest, funniest, scariest, busiest, creepiest, and most unbelievable of all. If anything strange could happen, it happened under a full moon!!

CatLadyLarew said...

Not only did I get to spend my day today with four-year-olds, we also had a family cooking event this evening. From 8am til 8pm with the kids. Yay! I need a glass of wine... a large glass of wine.

Mellodee said...

Many years ago, I would occasionally work the night shift in the E.R. of a large urban hospital. All of the hospital staff agreed that the full moon nights were absolutely the weirdest, oddest, funniest, scariest, busiest, creepiest, and most unbelievable of all. If anything strange could happen, it happened under a full moon!!

Elenka said...

As a fellow teacher I can tell you they don't teach you much in teacher school.

Semi-Slacker Mom said...

Maybe you should buy stock in play-doh.

ChiTown Girl said...

I really wish someone would have told me about the hidden camera in my classroom. Are you sure you aren't describing MY day? ;-)

Chocolate Covered Daydreams said...

Never a dull moment for you. But, I'd rather remind them about play doh in the pants than running for the trash can for a barf explosion!

Hang in there.

Sara said...

Who thought it was a good idea to make scented markers for children?

It's almost like encouraging them to start huffing.

Come on, kids! It smells like blueberries!

Amy said...

I know, right? To be the person 'breezing' into the office with a coffee, briefcase (that doesn't have a kid slogan and piles of papers that get dragged in and out of a trunk with school paraphernalia tumbling out of it), and high heels...calling out to the assistant...hold all my calls. But the laughs, oh the laughs we have, when we get to say, "please don't touch X" 7 times a day. Did I say we laugh, I meant give the 'teacher look'...and laugh behind our hand that is holding up our teacher look.

the mama bird diaries said...

That does sound exhausting. Why does every kid out there pick their nose?!

Just Words On A Page said...

Who's the little kid with the blue mask? I love it:)

3 Men and a Lady said...

Full moons ARE a cause of craziness. It's true.

And I think every teacher should have a daily valium waiting in their staff mailbox every morning.

Beth P. said...

Ha. Full moon can be downright scary!! I can completely understand why you were exhausted!

moredayslikethisplease said...

THAT'S IT!! That's why we couldn't get any work out of our 4th graders and 2nd graders today in Art class! I was thinking it was because there is just 2 more days of school before Spring break! Well maybe that has something to do with it too.

Travis Erwin said...

A guy crapped his pants at work today so we had that drama which is sort of kindergartenish. The dude is in his 50's.

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

My 15 year olds were cute today. They are not cute often.

Grace's Mom said...

Is it a full moon today? I need to start paying attention to these things. I told my husband today that our 15-month-old is trying out her terrible 2s a bit early...we had a rough night as well!

Glad to know I'm not alone!

Secretia said...

Keeps the job from getting boring, does it?

Joanie M said...

I bet you've never once said you were bored. I'd bet good money on that!

Catch the Kids said...

I laughed as this brought back some memories of the classroom for me. At least they weren't putting the playdough IN their noses. That's been known to happen.

Eric said...

Not being child-savvy, I seem to understand everything except why no Batman mask?

Maggie said...

Totally made me laugh!! I can so relate~! U_U

Swirl Girl said...

I spend several hours with Kindergarten class ...as well as live with one!

You're spot on with these!

Captain Dumbass said...

I can barely put up with the two I have. I don't know how you do it.

mo.stoneskin said...

What's wrong with making a batman mask out playdough? The other day I went to work in entire playdough spidey outfit.

Beth said...

Thank God you are a Kindergarten teacher. It would be really awkward if you were having to say all these things somewhere else. :)

only a movie said...

Full moons are wicked fun in day treatment schools. I ran the halls the other day.
Great post! xo

Cheryl said...

Lovin' the no 10 second rule and the C-4! Tired? Absolutely burnt toast is what I'd be.

sAm said...

but you have to admit...that IS an awesome batman mask!

WeaselMomma said...

Ah, a day `in the life!

Suzy said...

Things I say during my job as a standup comic:

-Don't you dare throw that ashtray at my head.

-Read my lips. No, the ones on my face.

-Well why don't you come up here and see how easy it is. SIT DOWN.

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Stereos and Souffles said...

I was a serious marker sniffer. As a kid, I sniffed everything. I successfully dropped that habit after plenty of teasing from my friends.

Jackie said...

Former 1st grade teacher here...these made me laugh so hard. Little people are so tiring!

Mags said...

You'll never lack for stories to tell on your blog, that's for sure! Thanks for the laughs today.

G said...

State workers in the making they are.

Lynn said...

They don't teach you SHIT in school-teacher-school! It's thirty years of On-the-Job training.
Your training is going quite well!

Maureen@IslandRoar said...

When I worked in the hospital, we definitely saw the full moon thing!
I could relate to the markers being sniffed and ending up with a colorful nose; I think I still do that.
I was exhausted just reading it!

Dawn said...

So THAT'S why I was SOOO tired yesterday! I didn't realize that I, too, was fighting a full moon. It kinda makes me feel better that I really am not FULLY ready for the looney bin.

Sprite's Keeper said...

But you're SUPPOSED to sniff the scented markers!

Sue said...

Perfect.
I think I said,

No, we don't eat play doh.
Don't drive that truck on Jude's head.

Took boy I nanny to playgroup....

Heidi said...

I can totally relate! This post does not make me eager to return to the classroom full-time after my maternity leave. My husband says "thanks a lot." :)

idgtm said...

At least it wasn't a show & tell day (which I now designate to my asst.) I had a girl pull her show & tell out of her pants. It was a hairbow. Thank you now go wash your hands.

Summer is coming soon!!

WhisperingWriter said...

Haha!

Yeah, today I said, "Butts don't belong on the wall!"

I need to get out more.

The Blue Zoo said...

Today I said "No grass does not spell ass. It just spells grass."

Apparently finding curse words in regular words is a big 3rd grade hobby.

Abigail said...

I'm a kindergarten EFL teacher, I can so relate to this post!

"Hitoshi, take Hikaru's feet out of your mouth. We don't eat our friends."

MommyToTwoBoys said...

So true. One day my husband came in to visit, whenever he does he always comments that we K teachers should be getting paid more than police, doctors, etc.

And at one point I said, "Colin, please keep your spit in your mouth, and Stephanie, don't take boogers out of your nose and put them on others."

My husband said, "top ten things I don't hear at my job."

Mimi Lenox said...

They teach you NOTHING in teacher school. Not a darn thing.

Exhausted. I hear ya.

nisha said...

I really loved this wonderful blog. Please keep up the good work.
mba

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