8/17/10

I'd like to exit the roller coaster, please.


The doctor has said not to be scared.


“It’s probably NOT cancer, really, only about a ten percent chance. Don’t worry.”


But I was scared.



It started two weeks ago when Bitchy spotted a lump the size of Cleveland on my back. It was kind of below the shoulder blade, in a spot incredibly hard to reach but easy to spot when one wears a nightgown with spaghetti straps.

It was a Friday night. On Monday I called the doctor’s office, and was chatting with the good doctor by 10:00 a.m.

“That is definitely a fatty lipoma. We will schedule a sonogram, and then take it out.”

I smiled, and after a witty exchange, slipped out to the nurse’s desk where she arranged the sonogram for the next morning.

I continued to think nothing of it- and was amused when the sonogram technician didn’t even look old enough to drive. She smiled, her braces shouting out at me as she proceeded to inspect me with her machine. She was quiet during the procedure, and managed to brush of my interrogation techniques with a shake of the head and a wag of her finger. Honestly, it was my grandmother disguised as a pre-pubescent child labor dodger.

I left the office and made my way to the Amish Farmer’s Market across town. My thoughts of fresh peaches, blackberries and watermelon had sufficiently distracted me from the bothersome cyst that was hitchhiking on my back.

I walked in my front door only about 30 minutes after my procedure and my husband was waiting for me in the kitchen.

“Where were you?”

“At the SONOGRAM. Oh, and the Farmer’s Market!” I said, holding up my incredibly scrumptious purchases.


“The doctor’s office called. You have to call them.” He looked at me.


“Okay. Just let me……”


“NOW. You need to call….now.”


And then it registered. The phone call 30 minutes after the sonogram was PROBABLY not a good sign. I sat at the dining room table and called. The nurse got on the line.


“Well. It is NOT a lipoma. It’s a mass of some kind. So….as soon as we get approval from your insurance, we will schedule an MRI.”


My eyes widened, and I could feel them fill with tears. What? WHAT? I asked her to explain again, because surely I had misheard what she said.


Nope. I hadn’t misheard. And it was at that moment a memory came flooding back.


Last summer, while attending the BlogHer conference in Chicago, I had stumbled upon a booth that just HAPPENED to be giving massages. They coincidently had a cancellation, and I could slip in for a quick massage if I liked. I LIKED.


The talented masseuse (It was my FIRST massage, people) stopped at one point on my back and he asked, “What is this little lump in here?”


Yeah. I had forgotten about that.


I called the doctor’s office back, hoping to speak to the doctor. He called a bit later in the afternoon and I told him the story. He, in turn, tried to explain what they were looking at.


“It still COULD be a lipoma, but it just has some odd characteristics. It's deeper than we thought, and bigger, and the edges appear odd. But don’t worry – probably NOT cancer. Only about a ten percent chance it could be.”

So, the MRI was scheduled for the Monday following the conference.

I don’t think you want to hear about me attempting to slide into submarine-like tube, only to be unsuccessful. (And by that I mean crying, perhaps screaming a little, and saying some words that they assured me they've heard before.) They called in a prescription, and arranged for me to have the OPEN MRI that Thursday.


So, one tiny orange pill and one adorable blue sleeping mask later, the MRI was done.


I didn’t get the call until Monday.

I had just opened my email, and was shrieking with JOY when I discovered that the Today show had picked up a piece I had posted at the BlogHer website. The joy in my heart was overwhelming! Honestly, I was over the moon. I emailed my brother, sister, aunts, friends and coworkers to share in my joy.

Then, I went down to the basement to grab something from our office when I noticed the answering machine blinking. I played the message.

“This is the doctor’s office. Please call us right away.”


Gulp.


I sat down. In one moment I soared from the top of the moon down to the scary place where no one likes to go alone.


I thought, for a brief moment, that this is surely how it happens. You have a brief glimpse of pure happiness, and then are thrust into despair. I'd been there before- he's like an old friend I never want to see again.


I dialed the phone, and waited. The nurse came on the line.


“It’s a lymphoma.”


“WHAT?” I asked.


“A LI-poma. A fatty LIPOMA.” She cleared up what she said FIRST (heart attack, people. HEART. ATTACK) and went on the tell me about scheduling with the surgeon so he could remove it- and have it evaluated, but that it was definitely a fatty lipoma.


And never, never has fatty sounded so damn sweet.




101 comments:

only a movie said...

That's a hell of a ride. xoxox

Stace said...

So, SOOOO happy to read this!!!! Now get off that damn ride! :)

Sprite's Keeper said...

Never before has a post scared the h-e-double hockey sticks out of me. Don't DO that!
Just glad you're okay, happy your piece got picked up, and waiting for my heart to stop thumping out of my chest.

Joanie M said...

When I saw Lymphoma, my heart sank (that's what John had). I was soooo happy to discover you misheard and it was a lipoma! Whew!!! Thank God!!

By the way, his first birthday is coming up... Aug 28. Then he'll be 58 on Oct. 23.

Sara J. Henry said...

You rock, VM. (And now we KNOW to get all odd little lumps checked out earlier than later, right!?!?) Glad to hear the good news.

Irish Gumbo said...

-wheeze-wheeze-wheeze-

Okay I picked myself up off the floor and made it back to the keyboard...

I'd like off the coaster, too :), so very glad to hear the good news. Congrats on the Today show piece, and many blessings to you, VM!

The Only Girl said...

So glad to hear it's good news!

a Broad said...

Oh my fatty friend, I am so relieved for you ! and for everyone... we like you, we want you around for a very long time.

Congratulations !!!!
on the fatty-ness but on the Today Show piece !!!!

C~

Eternal Lizdom said...

Off to check out the Today Show piece...

but so glad you're a fatty. so, so glad.

Malisa said...

Answered prayers, my friend. Answered prayers.

Malisa

Carrie B said...

Whew! Fatty - it's a good thing! :)

Jeff D'Antonio said...

Don't you EVER do that to me again. EVER.

“It’s a lymphoma.” - I read that line TWICE to make sure I hadn't misread it, before I read on. And my heart stopped.

Anyway, I'm so relieved, as I'm sure you are. Now, if I can just get my heart to start beating again, I'll be fine, really.

Lisa said...

I held my breath while I read this.

And congratulations on getting picked up by the Today Show!

I see good things ahead for you.

Maggie, dammit said...

So scary! SO glad you're okay. xo

Missy said...

You are such a talented writer. I was so engaged that I got a lump in my throat! That was a roller coaster ride for your readers! So glad that it is something minor and fixable!

duffylou said...

Congratulations! Twice. So very happy for you.

My word verification is backb...Your backb just fine!

CSY said...

SO glad its a fatty! Riding roller coasters is fun...but the emotional ones wear you out EVERY time! Going on my own ride, thanks for the kind words! You ROCK VodkaMom!

Sue said...

For once "fat" is good! I hate those roller coaster rides. Seems like I ride them daily. I've been on them for so long these past couple of years, I've gotten kind of use to the bumps & scares along the way! Fat is good!! What hell for you to go through, especially while having such awesome stuff going on as well. I haven't figured that one out yet!

Take care, Sue

Jill said...

I just had the biggest lump in my throat reading this - and am now tearing at the end...

So scary - and so glad that all is going to be OK.

Ooph said...

I have chills all over my damn body. I HATE roller coasters. HATE. THEM. Congratulations on the good news and on the fabulous post you wrote for BlogHer and now the Today Show. You go girl!

Shannon Tucker Photography said...

big crocodile tears here....happy ones, of course.

sending ♥
S

yogurt said...

So glad for your good news AND your today show notice (will follow link next).

My husband has several fatty cysts - on chest, thigh, back. No sonograms or MRI's, just a doc's reassurance that he's seen thousands just like it. Still, makes me wonder.

Mo Diva said...

wow! what a relief to not have to worry about that anymore!
Im glad you got good news!
Lets celebrate! DRINKS!!! lol

oxoxoxx

Sandy (Your life, organized) said...

Thank goodness everything is ok! We have battled cancer in my family for many years!

I love it when fatty is good!


www.aboutone.com
Helping you store what matters most.

Anonymous said...

That is great news! Don't google what a fatty lipoma looks like before you go in though. shudder

Is Dis Normal or Dysfunctional? said...

I've been through a similar scare - it only helps to understand the fear that so many other women have endured.

So glad that you're okay.

rach said...

jesus you had my heart in my throat reading this! so happy its not cancer!

Teresa Dawn said...

So glad everything is okay :)

Brian Miller said...

ok seriously you had to drag that out just to make me feel terrible...smiles. yay!

Twenty Four At Heart said...

Would it make you feel better to know my golden retriever just had a fatty lipoma removed from his chest and he's doing GREAT?

No???

(So glad it was good news!)
xo

Diane J. said...

Holy freakin' crap! You scared the tar out of me...but then again I'm sure it was a bazillion kajillion times worse for you. So glad you're okay, and I agree, fatty has never sounded so good.

Steven Anthony said...

i recently had a growth on my forhead...i was never so relieved to hear the word fatty too....i understand, hugs


Steven Anthony
Man Dish~Metro Style

Laura said...

I was so eager to find out the end of the story that I almost missed how incredibly well-written it is! I'm so happy for you!! Congratulations!

kendrasue said...

So glad that was the outcome. I've been checking back to see what the outcome of everything was. Happy to hear it was just fat! :) I would definitely take that over the other option!

Vicky said...

Sighing relief....

NIC said...

Yeah for your good news! As go for your tweet the worrying burns the calories from the Ben & Jerrys!

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

Sweet relief.

Malia said...

So, so, so, so, so, so, sooooooo happy that everything is OK!!!!!! You had my heart racing there at the end!

xoxo

~Malia

TMCPhoto said...

I'm so relieved for you that I'm sitting at my kitchen table with tears in my eyes and trying to explain to the Peanut that Momma is not crying because she's afraid of her T-Rex but because of some good news. I've been checking in to see how your tests turned out too and couldn't have asked for better news.

Paige said...

Yay! I knew hat was gonna happen but I also knew you did not know it.....so I was anxious all the same. Yay you

Linda said...

Whoot! Whoot! Great news!
Lurking Linda

Mellodee said...

Oh my! That moment of reading "Lymphoma" was an awful moment....probably about less than 1% of how awful a moment hearing it must have been for you! As far as I can tell there is nothing good about Roller Coaster rides, except getting off!

So glad for you!

Scary Mommy said...

Don't go scaring us like that again, you hear? xoxox

flutter said...

I am glad you're okay, mama. rat bastard lipomas

Rene/ Not The Rockefellers said...

Girl, you almost made me drop my pop-tart...

So glad you were just making back boobies :)

Peace~ Rene
I love you

Anonymous said...

Oh wow i never commented before, but just had to say my heart went out to you!! Glad everythings ok...

Linda said...

Been anxiously awaiting your lipoma news! Yea for you!!! Can you schedule the removal during one of our boring inservices later this year or will you need to get it out soon??? In my thoughts!!!

SSP said...

WOW, what a freakin' E ticket ride (if you remember those...)!! You poor thing! I am so glad you have a fatty something and NOT something worse...

Leila said...

Oh my god. That was scary as crap. And it reminds me to call the dermatologist. I'm so glad it is not that OTHER thing and that it is the much more manageable THIS thing. I don't know how you didn't freak out while waiting. I would have been drinking the whole time...

Snappy Di said...

My hubby has gotten those on his arm before and had to have them removed. He has one right now and when it gets bothersome to him he will have it removed.

Glad all is well for you! Lumps of any nature are just plain scary.

Di

Alana, Author of Domestically Challenged said...

SO glad to hear that! Glad you are ok...

Cheryl said...

I have never been happier to read a post in my entire life! I'm fighting back tears as I thank all the powers that watched over you.

Caroline said...

Oh thank Buddha! AND you get to lose weight (well, a few ounces) without giving up cupcakes! Win-win. Seriously, SO relieved for you!

Gigi said...

I was able to sneak on and read this morning - but was unable to respond (boo Big Brother!). This news made my whole day! I'm so relieved for you!

TexasRed said...

What a scare! So glad you're ok!

Anna See said...

This was so scary to read, Vodka. Thanking God for fattiness right now. xo

ChiTown Girl said...

It's really not nice to make your friends cry, you know!! Holy hell, you had me scared. I'm so glad it turned out to be just a little ol' lump-o-fat!

This totally reminded me of a story from when Stud Muffin was a baby. He had a long string of ear infections, bronchitis, etc. that went on for what seemed like months. Well, the doctor told me he wanted to do a blood test, at some point, because he thought we could be dealing with "leukemia." I swear, I had such a visceral reaction to hearing that, I thought I was going to pass out. It was so surreal...suddenly the doctor sounded like the adults in a Peanuts cartoon (whaa, WHAA, whaa, WHAA, whaa...) and my vision started to tunnel. I had to take my baby to the pediatric oncology dept., for some reason, for the blood test. When I walked into that wing, I wanted to just start crying. Long story already too long...he was fine, and what the doctor actually had said was something like pneukemia (?), but I spent a couple of terrifying days waiting for the results of this blood test. When he called me with the results, I told him what I thought he said, and he quickly cleared things up. It was the longest couple of days of my life!!

Congrats, btw, on the Today Show thing. I'm going to check out the link right now!

idgtm said...

Your right, fat never sounded so good.

anymommy said...

So glad. All my love.

Kat said...

OMGoodness woman you had my heart in my frickin throat!!! I am glad you are going to be ok but I should fly my ass to Oregon and give you what for for scaring the crap out of me like that!! I swear if it wasn't $1000 jaunt across the ocean!!!!

Suzy said...

Thanks for taking 25 thousand paragraphs to let us know you're okay.

Eek!

Anonymous said...

I don't like how you manipulated everyone with your fake cancer scare. I have always liked your blog until now. My child did have cancer . Not a subject for some kind of a blog post.cht

Vodka Mom said...

I share my life. Take it or leave it. We all have horrible things that happen to us. I am sorry for your loss. But I don't apologize for who I am.

Julia said...

Fatty. Love that word. I have a small one, too...but my dermatologist said they usually have fingers and are hard to remove.

Just another middle age party favor.

Teacher Stuff said...

I'm so glad that things ended on a positive note for you. Too much crap in the world to deal with as it is!

Casey Freeland said...

Phew, so happy. Breathe now. :)

Sara said...

Son of a bitch.

Only people with impeccable diction should be allowed to make those phone calls.

So glad it's a fatty thing!

A Mom on Spin said...

I'll raise a glass to fat of any kind!!!!

Maggie May said...

i really wish that you could have just SAID THAT IN THE FIRST PLACE you meanie!!!!!

i'm too anxious and pregnant to handle a post like that. i'm very glad you are ok.

tamilyn said...

I feel ya. I had a similar type scare this summer when I had my mammogram. got a call not long after I had gotten home from doctor's office that they found something 'suspicious'. Literally sat on the floor and sobbed thinking this was the end and I would never see my girls get married, etc. After going in for 6 more squeezes, they determined that I have over-lapping cells. I know that fear that grips your heart. I'm happy from the bottom of my heart that you are okay!

Elaine said...

Thank God!

Rima said...

Oh, man. I am so, so glad to hear you're OK!

Just Margaret said...

Riders sporting a fatty lipoma may now exit to the left of the roller coaster...

So, *so* glad that it's just a fatty lipoma.

Anonymous said...

Good to hear that you've got a fatty! Hope it made you laugh.

Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

Holy crap and PHEW!!

Cora said...

OHHHHH!!!! ((((HUGS AND A HAPPY DANCE))))

Those MRI tubes are terrible, aren't they? The dang ceiling of it is like a half an inch away from your nose! *shudder*

J.J. said...

WOO!!! HOO!!! What a relief!

Don't medical emergencies ALWAYS happen in Fridays? They do to me.

And I've had MRI's before but the idea of having my latest one (mid-June) scared the crap out of me. So I was prescribed a small dose of Xanax. If I ever need another MRI I'm doing that again. ; )

Anonymous said...

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老公內地包二奶不去大陸抓姦只會讓老公與二奶逍遙快活而您的權益卻被剝奪!
迅速大陸抓姦服務,守護您的權益;大陸抓姦問題交給專家,
豐富大陸抓姦經驗、堅強法律團隊、以您的權益為優先!

Anonymous said...

多年不見的麗心竟然當起了女子偵探
如果不是因為懷疑老公外遇,我找上女子偵探幫忙,
這才見到這個好友!女子偵探真的不如想像中的輕鬆,
麗心說當初也是因為自己老公外遇,
後來誤打誤撞才當起了女子偵探
主要就是希望能夠幫助女性朋友解決婚姻問題!
後來我不但靠著麗心的幫忙順利解決了老公外遇的問題,
更多了麗心這個女子偵探好友!

Anonymous said...

茜茜知道他有了外遇
他變得春風滿面,嘴裡總是哼著歌曲
他開始變得有耐心聽她說話、會買禮物給她、甚至帶她出遊
茜茜知道這是因為他對外遇有愧疚
她沒有揭穿丈夫的外遇,甚至享受這樣的生活
茜茜偷偷的跟姐妹滔說:感謝老公的外遇帶來更美好的夫妻生活!

Anonymous said...

專業外遇蒐證讓出軌者無所遁形!
許多人放肆出軌就是因為清楚另一半沒有時間外遇蒐證
因此只要矢口否認對方也無可奈何!
把您外遇蒐證的需求交給我們,
專家當您的分身為您徹底外遇蒐證
掌握對方出軌證據!
專業外遇蒐證守護您婚姻權益!

Anonymous said...

根據外遇調查報告顯示一成民眾坦承外遇、四分之一已婚者擔心伴侶出軌!
如果沒有外遇調查,您怎知對方心裡真正想著誰?
對方滿口的謊言藉口,如果沒有進行外遇調查您又該怎麼戳破?
合法徵信公司專業外遇調查服務,
24小時徹底跟監絕不馬虎,提供最優質外遇調查服務!

Anonymous said...

就像一般抓姦的戲碼一樣,她衝進去看見難堪的場面,
男人因為被抓姦而惱羞成怒的想要動手打人,
第三者沒料想到會被抓姦而驚慌失措,而女主角,
冷漠的看著這現實的一幕...抓姦,讓她更看清楚事實!
抓姦,也讓她更知道是離開的時候了!

Anonymous said...

男人有婚外情,就像是證明自己魅力猶存;
然而當女人有了婚外情,卻成為眾人所髮指的目標!
男人有婚外情,多半願意回頭太太還是會原諒他;
然而當女人有了婚外情,卻鮮少丈夫能夠接受!
男女的不平等,在婚外情中,一樣得到驗證!

Anonymous said...

表姐交了一個人人欣羨的男友,
聽說家裡面很有錢,每個人都很為她祝福。
沒想到結婚之後才發現一切都是男方的謊言,
表姐想要離婚,對方卻死不放手!
看到了這情形,讓我想到了婚前徵信的重要性;
雖然很多人認為婚前徵信是一種懷疑的表現,
但是如果不做婚前徵信,又怎能知道對方刻意隱瞞的事實?
現在我有了論及婚嫁的對象,爸媽也很贊成婚前徵信
婚前徵信的結果對方果真的家世清白孝順的新好男人;
帶著滿滿著祝福與喜悅,我總算能安心的當準新娘!

Anonymous said...

心存懷疑就要去查證!很多人懷疑伴侶通姦
卻寧願選擇相信對方欺瞞的藉口,
最後導致通姦問題變得難以解決!
通姦的人不會自己承認,當您懷疑伴侶通姦時,
不要相信對方的藉口,應該要積極去查證,
讓實際證據告訴您伴侶是否通姦

Anonymous said...

許多人以為外遇發生就很難感情挽回
其實只要在外遇初期,感情挽回幾乎都是可以成功的!
夫妻多年的感情不是短時間就可以磨滅,
加上孩子親情的呼喚、自身的努力,感情挽回其實不如想像中困難!
然而許多人卻不知道對方早已外遇多年,
伴侶與第三者建立出難分難捨的情誼,
感情挽回自然困難度就提高許多,
想要感情挽回就需要更多技巧與付出更多努力!

Anonymous said...

您的問題不需要自己一個人獨自承受,專業徵信隨時在這裡為您服務!
不管是外遇離婚,或者是事業問題,專業徵信都能協助您解決。
專業徵信公司絕對合法、優質徵信專員值得信賴、合理收費保障您的權益,
24小時專業徵信服務不打烊!

Anonymous said...

誠信公正徵信協會,為民眾推介合法優質徵信社,避免受不肖業者的敲詐!
徵信協會以維護消費者權益、提高國內徵信市場水準為目標!
徵信協會公正的維護消費者權益、希望能協助委託人獲得更好的徵信品質。
面對不肖徵信社您不該妥協,讓徵信協會為您伸張委屈!
徵信協會,以您的權益為優先!

Anonymous said...

新婚一年,我們竟然就相敬如冰!
當初被沖昏頭,沒發現她如局外人的冷淡,於是我合理的懷疑,她有外遇!
於是我找上徵信社為我調查,
徵信社的回報資料攤在我眼前,我真的難以接受,
我一直為了要給她過好日子每天努力工作,
然而她卻在同個時刻帶男人回家溫存!
徵信社進一步的調查之後,甚至發現他們早就在一起很多年,
根據徵信社給的資料,我才發現,原來她只是因為我的錢才嫁給我!
那麼我們剛出生的孩子,極可能也不是我的孩子嗎?
如果沒有請徵信社幫我調查,到底我還要被利用多久!!

As Cape Cod Turns said...

So happy your fat gathered in one convenient place.

Good luck taking Sassy to school. No tears or happy dance until you drive off the campus.

Anonymous said...

明知道他有婚姻,筱蝶還是陷進去了
他告訴筱蝶,不是不願意離婚
只是孩子還小,他不忍心孩子這麼小就面臨父母離婚的難題
他告訴筱蝶,他有多麼愛她
他多想馬上離婚光明正大和她在一起
他告訴筱蝶,她值得更好的人,但是他捨不得放手
只要給他兩年時間,他就會馬上離婚
多麼動聽的話,為了他的承諾,筱蝶甘心傻等
一心等對方離婚、一心想要成為他的太太
然而當兩年的時間過去了
男人還是沒有離婚
他淡淡的對筱蝶說:我配不上妳,所以我要放妳自由!

LegalMist said...

{{{sigh}}} That was a very heavy sigh of relief.

I'm so glad it is nothing serious! (But I bet you're even more glad!!)

YAY!

Word Ver: woweela (!!)

Pretty much says it all

MommyToTwoBoys said...

That is great! I have been thinking about you a lot. Even though I don't comment every day, I am here, reading daily. Usually LMAO, but have been worried about your health and bringing your daughter to college. So I am so relieved to hear this amazing news! You might be able to hear the collective sigh from all of your readers.

And I checked you out at the Today Show and left a comment! Go you!

Kate Coveny Hood said...

No idea how I missed this - but better late than never... I'm SOOOO glad you got good news. What a relief!

CatLadyLarew said...

Give me fatty any day! So glad to hear this news!

Cheryl D. said...

Congrats! How wonderful!

The Empress said...

OH MY GOSH.

You had my heart pounding. SO glad it was a lipoma.

SO VERY GLAD.

The Coconut Diaries said...

Oh, yes! We've only just met, I can't lose you already.

Caroline said...

Um, manipulated everyone??? You were sharing what you learned with us in the same way you learned it! Manipulation by its very nature involves forethought and intent. Clearly you were not trying to gin up fake support, just sharing your experience and processing it WITH us. I for one felt a huge rush of relief, happiness, and gratitude for small pleasures after reading that post ... which is something we all should feel every day, but often don't. So if you manipulated me to that end, well, I'm GLAD.

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