Sometimes I have to self-prescribe. (Or, how can I have hot flashes when I have NO OVARIES?)

I took the day off today to visit my doctor. Not the one who removed the ten pound boulder from my shoulder, and not the doctor who is helping me prolong the replacement of the knees that served me so well through decades of competitive gymnastics.

I went to visit my best friend, the ob/gyn who removed everything that wasn't nailed down in my nether-regions, and freed me from visiting the lady product aisle every time I head to the grocery store. ( It is GLORIOUS to not have to worry about that. Honestly.)

It's been three years since she gave me the great news that I would need a total H, and frankly, that was the highlight of the year that was filled with devastation and tragedy.

I've been taking my little blue happy pill loyally every morning, and it wasn't until a month or two ago that I really started feeling, well, crappy.

I haven't been myself.

I thought at FIRST it was because my screaming, fighting, headstrong daughters went off to college leaving me a lonely working mother trying to find her way. Then Golden Boy must have instinctively known I needed him, and he has gone out of his way to keep me distracted.

I still feel crappy.

There is a war being waged inside my body, and I'm not even sure whose SIDE I'm on. I feel like an innocent bystander being hit by burning embers of shrapnel. At night. When I'm trying to sleep.

After a wonderful discussion with her (She uses the f-word. How great is THAT?) she decided it was definitely time to re-examine hormone levels, testosterone levels (I'd like to regain my mojo, if you get my drift) and my insulin levels. I don't want to get technical because, to be honest, I don't even remember everything she's checking, but it sounds like a great plan to me.

In the interim, I've decided to self medicate. I'll start with a dose of HUMOR every single day, and for the rest, you can use your imagination.

Just don't get too crazy. I'm no Lindsay Lohan.

And THIS is what I needed today. PLEASE watch this. I guarantee you will pee your pants. Just clean up your mess before you leave. There's no janitor in THIS house.


Kate said...

I'm all about the self medication. Ha! No wonder I turned into a raging alcoholic. But the laughter? I can certainly medicate with that.

ChiTown Girl said...

Oh my hell!! I know I've seen this before, but it still made me crack the hell up! I'm going to be forced to steal it, though, so don't hate me.... :)

Rick Daley said...

Great. Now there's a stain on the rug.

Losing Brownies said...

Haha, that is one funny lady!

I like the self medicating with humor idea!

Missy said...

Great prescription! LOL

Everyday Goddess said...

My office is open whenever you want a reading.

LOVE Mrs. Hughes!!! I'm gonna watch it again!!!

Vodka Logic said...

Sorry about the medical problems.. I got the good news too and am having my uterus out in two weeks...get to keep my ovaries though.

Luckily the bathroom is close.. I laughed from the great first line "this isn't blocking you view..."

thanks I needed that [16 yo daughter..need I say more]

Cheryl D. said...

She was pretty funny!

Unknown said...

I thought it was funny enough that your banner ad said "face melting"

What a glorious time of your life huh?

you're not a girl...not yet a volcano :)


Jeanne Estridge said...

Hilarious, as always.

Notes From ABroad said...

I have been known to self medicate, even when I feel fine... you never know .
I had those nights, still do but not so many ... it seems like those hormones become your enemies sometimes.. can't live without them, hate living with them.
I hope the meds straighten it all out for you...
Or just email me at 2 am when you wake up kicking off the covers and thrashing around .. ( I pushed my husband off the bed once because he was too close and radiating heat on to me ) .. I did not know he was that close to the edge !!

Anonymous said...

great now I have to go to the grocery and look for depends ;)

Vodka Mom said...

I just watched this again and laughed my ass off.

Cause I AM becoming my father. dammit.

Gigi said...

That was hilarious!!!

Joanie said...

I love love love love love love Mrs. Hughes!! She is my hero!!!

J.J. in L.A. said...

I hope you get your mojo back and start feeling better SOON!!!

And that comedienne! She funny lady!

An Unlikely Retirement said...

You have no idea how I needed this today - I sure need a doctor visit for some hormones, since I can't drink at work. Life has been too dark lately...even with a hot boy (I can say that - he's 15 years younger than me) chasing me. Thanks for the reminder that maybe it is just some hormones a'lacking.
But I do I love walking down the lady aisle and laughing hysterically.

Cora said...

Ohhhh I love her!!!!

As for me, uh-huh, I self medicate with chocolate. Bags upon bags of chocolate. My jeans hate me, but whatever. ;-)