1/20/11

Learning - the Sweet and the Sour.

The Top Ten “Things I’ve Learned” in the last 51 days.

1. The grandmother that works in the nail salon down the road shaves her face with a straight razor when she is sitting at her table waiting for customers. (Without applying shaving cream. And sure, it might have been a Gillette disposable, but oh MAN.)


2. If you follow the directions, you can set up your internet modem, router and cable TV boxes all by yourself. (You heard me.)


3. If you follow the directions you can go to Lowe's, buy a logical replacement and replace the broken handle on your toilet all by yourself. (Thank you Mrs. Jones for that tool kit you gave me for Christmas five years ago.)


4. If you follow the directions, you can bait and set nine mouse-traps that will properly break up the house party that occurs in the middle of the night. (Sure, you may end up with a few sore fingers but no pain, blah, blah, blah.)


5. It will take Sassy all of 2 minutes to inadvertently add a password to your wireless modem thingy. It will take you 2.3 hours and several million phone calls to countries you have never heard of, before finally speaking to a cool guy from the cable company that will help you reset the dang thing yourself.


6. It took Frank 87 days to call me mom. I think it MIGHT have been the first time he was speechless all year. (Oh, and I learned that I have to monitor him more closely at Free Play. It seems he recorded “The Naked Song” onto the 'record yourself' button in the KidPix Program. Oh sure, interrogating him was tons of fun, but honestly….)


7. Zumba class is not meant for a 51 year-old woman with old creaky gymnast knees. (I’m sticking with the circuit training after school and the weight room. And just ignore the aroma of Icy Hot.)


8. I’ve discovered the reason why ladies who live alone might become cat hoarders. (My particular reason is particularly energetic and has been having tea parties with the mice. They’re bff’s.)


9. After writing a newspaper column for 4 years, I am still waiting until the NIGHT before to begin it. Yeah. I’m in college ALL over again. (Sans the tight *$$ and hot boyfriend.)


10. I’ve decided that if each of my 1809 followers sent me $10, I wouldn’t lay awake each night wondering how I’m going to pay my bills, and I MIGHT be able to make an offer on this house that I’m renting. I’m just sayin’. After all, who would keep all these (@*#&$ mice company? (Pass the cheese.) (And, call me crazy, but I DO think that's a paypal button over there. Isn't there a billionaire among one of you?)




(Does anyone else shave their face? For real?) (Oh, and a vote over at babble is just as good. xxx)

42 comments:

Joanie said...

Isn't it amazing what you can do all by yourself when you put your mind to it?

Joanie said...

And I wax, never shave!

Christy said...

Good for you for figuring it all out on your own. I've been away WAY too long. I just caught up on all that's been going on...thinking of you, sending you hugs and hoping you're okay. Seriously, you rock. xoxoxo

Captain Dumbass said...

I shave my face everyday, and seldom read instructions.

Sandee said...

Well, I've not seen the shaving thing and I don't want to either.

As for everything else. I knew you could do all this. You've only just begun to figure out all the things you didn't know you could do. You go girl.

Have a terrific day. Big hug. :)

a Broad said...

Will you accept Argentine pesos?

I have not yet reached the point of going near my face with a razor blade.

Does the kitten stay up all night because he naps while you are at work? You might have to get a companion kitten lol...
Unless the mice protest.

I wish you could buy the little house, enjoy the fire ( I hear it is chilly there these days) and that only Good Things happen for you from now on.
C

Under the Influence said...

Caroline from Real Housewives of New Jersey shaves. She swears it keeps her skin looking young...I don't get it.

My BFF says she can't watch herself in the gym mirror when doing Zumba because her arms and shoulders are going one way and her boobs are going the opposite way and she laughs too much when that happens.

Pastor Sharon said...

Shave's her face with a straight razor? SHUT UP! That is just wrong. . . in front of everyone? That is even worse!

WAX WORKS WONDERS. . .hum I think I'll blog about that. Good title. . maybe even write a sermon about it. . . hmmm (guess I could get de-frocked for that)

Regarding the $10, maybe we should all choose to do that! WOW! You could totally do it! I mean really, who wouldn't send you $10 bucks?

Yeah, Zumba just sounds like witchcraft! No wonder you ache after that! jk

Rene/ Not The Rockefellers said...

I only have one whisker (the hairy polock in me) and I pluck it out with hot pink tweezers :)

You are my DIY hero...and you're gonna make it after all.

( throws hat in the air )

watch this:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eiW3pyMdp3w

I just love ( and have for 30 + years) the way the woman in the blue kerchief stares at Mary as she throws her hat in the air.

Rene

Mom24 said...

If you get desperate, I say go for the $10, you might be surprised. I'd totally send it, and we're pretty short on cash ourselves around here.

You inspire me.

My particular troubles have a different ending, at least for now, but it's still inspiring to see that you can begin again.

Anonymous said...

I'm having my facial hairs zapped by a lazer and dang it hurts but worth ever zap! No more waxing or shaving for me.

Bethany said...

#1 WHAT?!?!! Oh my gosh...I don't even know what to say!

I can't even get past that.

ChiTown Girl said...

Girl, first of all, I'd GLADLY send you $10!!! You should totally set up a PayPal account, so we could do it!

Speaking as someone who's been on her own for over 16 years now, you'll continue to be amazed at the things you can do all by yourself, just like a big girl. ;-) Why do you think I spend my weekends watching PBS? I'm addicted to This Old House. Those guys have taught me all kinds of stuff. There's nothing more empowering than knowing you can fix it yourself, without needing a man to do it for you! (In the beginning, it also had to do with the fact that I couldn't afford to pay someone else to do it, and I hated always having to bother my dad.)

The Empress said...

If called to loyal duty in your service, I would SOOOOOOOOOOOO send you a ten dollar check.

uh huh.

Melissa E. said...

Um. . . I'm embarrassed to say, but I do use a razor (but not a straight razor) on my face. Just for those few stray hairs. Plus, I've noticed it makes my makeup look better on my face.

I know, I know. Weird. But you did ask. ;)

Scope said...

Dude in the room says, "Three times a week." :-)

smalltownmom said...

#1 I confess, yes, on the upper lip. Because if I tweeze, they come back thicker. I am afraid of waxing for the same reason, plus the pain.

#7 The Curves I haven't been to in 4 years (but still stupidly pay for) is offering Zumba. I am also 51 and creaky. Decision time...

#10 I would TOTALLY send you $10.
My son wants to raise $1250 for a pre Tour of California bike race...if he asks 125 people for $10....it's doable.

Anna See said...

Yay! You've have done so much! You go! I prob should shave my chin, but I don't/

Irish Gumbo said...

Icy Hot is...hawwwwt! Whoa!

No, seriously, it is. Don't get anywhere near your naughty bits.

Just sayin'.

If you want, I can be your hot boyfriend. Reasonable rates!

(snicker)

Vodka Mom said...

okay, it's a bic razor, but really. And i really do need the $$. Surely there's a billionaire out there who wants to donate.

Lynn MacDonald said...

Things I learned in this post: that the instructions that come with things aren't deco rational apparently. I had NO idea that people used them. Now I know!

Sandi McBride said...

Being very independent and a Navy Wife (Retired) I learned how to do all manner of things on my own, including replacing the water pump on my washing machine, the heater thingy on my dryer and never bat an eye, and when I was writing my newspaper column everyone would have fallen over in a dead faint if it came in any earlier then midnight of the day before, but then Woman hear me roar was my theme song, lol! Loved this post
Sandi

Brian Miller said...

i am just excited frank called you mom...

Jennie said...

You are such a tough cookie! You sound like you are doing great and guess what, it gets easier. I'm proud of you!

I've been on my own for the last 15 years and I can change my tire, add oil and check it with that dip stick thingy, fixed my garage door and even figured out how to get a bird out of my chimney because it wouldn't shut up. You're doing great and providing an amazing example to your kids. (Note though...if you have a lock on the outside of your gate, make sure you don't lock the backdoor by accident when you chase chase a critter from the yard. Climbing a 6' fence sucks.)

Now, give yourself a pat on the back, shave your chin and shake your ass doing some zumba. What am I saying? Give yourself a pat on the back and a frosty beverage with cheesy reality tv on.

Take care,
Jennie

Kyddryn said...

Oh, sugar, if I had ten dollars (never mind to spare...just if I HAD ten dollars) it'd be yours...'cause a body should have a home, a place that's theirs...

Alas, I spent the last of my money on toilet paper, formula, and nappy ointment last week...sigh...and haven't any prospects in the offing...but I'll keep my eyes peeled for a billionaire who wants to adopt a couple of bloggers and hook you up should s/he show up...

Shade and Sweetwater,
K (whose verification word is "blions", which looks like "billions" if you squint...it must be a sign...)

yogurt said...

I've been toying with the idea of attending the zumba class at my gym but your experience is exactly why I haven't ventured up there. I haven't been in a group dance-exercise type class in years. I'm afraid I would feel sad and hopeless afterward (or in the middle of the class, more like it).

Charmaine said...

Oh dear...women shaving their faces...

I've been looking in the mirror and thinking...it's time.

Groan.

Gigi said...

YAY for you! It goes without saying that you can do just about any project/chore for yourself just by reading the directions.

Shaving her face? Really?? Ick.

Parenting Girls said...

Good advice on how to break up the "house party" of uninvited guests. I needed that one!

Elaine said...

I was watching Dr. Oz and the topic was "unusual beauty secrets" or something like that. One woman came on stage and shaved her face! She said it was a "Perfect Exfoliater." When polling the audience she got a big "NO," and Dr. Oz agreed. You remember that little hometown fair? One day when I was about 6 or so my mom and I saw the bearded lady from the freak show in our downtown area. My mom told me that any woman could grow a beard, all she had to do was shave her face like men do. I have since been tormented by dreams of such a thing . . . .
I am in on the $10, but contact me elsewhere so I can personally deliver it. I have meaning to get over to Smythe. xxoo

LivewithFlair said...

Ha! I hear you about zumba! I'm so glad I have found this blog! Thanks for encouraging me in my blogging yesterday! You are the best! Heather (Live with Flair) www.livewithflair.blogspot.com

Assistant ZooKeeper said...

If I had a nickel for every hair that has been removed from my face with some implement of destruction, I could buy your house for you single-handedly. And though I've been threaded, waxed, trimmed and plucked, I will tell you I've never been shaved -- shorn -- shaven -- shooven?

I do believe that Frank lived in my Kindergarden classroom yea those many years (though I'm no longer there as I'm trying my hand at ZooKeeping with my 1-year old twins, a husband, a dog, a cat and anything else that wanders through)...

Thank you for keeping me in stitches.
Cheers to you and your Woo Kitty Cat.

Empress Bee (of the High Sea) said...

well good for you hooking up that electric stuff all by yourself! yay you!

smiles, bee
xoxoxoxoxox

oh, and where do i mail my $10? ps

CSY said...

Email me and I'll send you $10. Be glad Frank called you mom - it means you're in his heart too! My kids just callme by their teachers names and then giggle like there's no tomorrow...

Kelly said...

DO you have a paypal account? You deserve the $10!

THe lady with the face shaving, you should totally take a picture of that and post it for us to see!

Lili said...

Tai chi my friend tai chi :)

Suzy said...

I think it's a huge compliment that Frank called you Mom. He must think of you as a protector and a warm, loving person. Nothing wrong with that assessment!

Dear God, we're all about 12 years from face shaving.

(I voted for you at Babble, how many times can you win that thing? I thought you already did?)

carrie said...

Hey Funny Lady!
One of the ladies from The Real Housewives of New Jawsey shaves her face. And I found this little nugget today:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/01/21/marilyn-monroe-elizabeth-taylor-shave_n_812200.html

It says that Marilyn Monroe and Liz Taylor used to and that supposedly your hair doesn't grow back darker and thicker....hmmmm I got some peach fuzz that may be goin' down!

Amy said...

Trying to catch up on some reading here. I'm a little behind the times. . . Frank called you mom? How sweet!!!
Zumba is of the devil, I'M SURE OF IT!!
Amazing all the things one can do, all by oneself!
And $10? I think it's a swell idea! Anyway, if you had to move, who would feed the mice?

Dawn said...

I shave many parts... but my face is NOT one of them.

I'm SO proud of you doing things yourself!

Mice...FILTHY creatures!

If I had $10 to spare, it would be yours!

Trish@Show and Tell said...

Rather than learning to read all those instructions I'd just wear a push up bra and a low cut dress and go to a local bar.

Act all dumb and useless and you'll soon have about 15 guys tripping all over themselves to try to prove their manhood (probably in more ways than one).

But, hey, you can handle it!

Anonymous said...

Donated! You've made me laugh MANY times!