Just don't look it in the eye.

There’s an elephant in the room.

Let’s be honest.

I try to cover it in glitter, or funny stories about Frank, but the elephant is here in the room nonetheless.

And her name is divorce.

Most of you know I am in the middle of a painful, horrible divorce. We intended, or at least I thought we intended, to handle it like adults. We have three amazing children, who will always have two parents, and while we all have good intentions, divorce is ugly. I said from the beginning to Tightwad, that we will be their parents when the kids grow up, get married and have their OWN children, and that if we handled this properly all would be well. But divorce is ugly.

It’s just plain ugly.

So, I’ve tried very hard to keep this particular pain behind closed doors and out of this blog. But it hasn’t been easy. And frankly, Bitchy and I had a discussion about it not long ago. I shared with her that I was having a very, very difficult time writing.

“But mom, your blog is like your journal, you HAVE to write about what is happening. That is WHAT you DO. You write about your life- about our lives. You’ve written about everything ELSE for God’s sake! Just do it!”

And I’ve wanted to. I’ve wanted to write about everything that is happening, but I just don’t know how. I’m not sure if I trust what might end up on paper when I’m in a painful and angry state.

I know from experience, that things that go out on the internet are there forever. In fact, I’ve tested that theory MORE THAN ONCE, and yep; it’s true. That means that sometimes you get to re-live your mistakes over and over and over again. What fun.

And so I tread lightly as I open up about this horrible roller coaster.

I am hopeful that we are coming to a place where perhaps we can end this chapter, and move forward in an attempt to repair our separate lives.

And through it all, I am wondering about what my life will look like.

It’s scary as hell. But lately, I am less scared and more hopeful than I have been in a long, long time.


That is what is I spot on the horizon.


Tara R. said...

Even if you don't hit 'publish,' it might be cathartic to write about it. Then sit on the piece for a day or two, and then decide if you want to share.

Good luck... I'm sorry you are going through this.

aBroad said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
aBroad said...

You've got mail :)

Brian Miller said...

hang in there VM...the thing is that new life is one you have a hand in creating...prayers...

Eternal Lizdom said...

Offering you the only things I have- my prayers, my support.

L.Duncan said...

Hi my dear!

You must write. I think it's healthy. But there is a way to write your feelings out and then edit them to fit your blog. Of course you don't have to share everything. Like the first commenter said, you don't have to hit "publish" right then.

You do what's best for you. But I know this much, you writing about your experience is bound to help someone else...

Wishing you the best,

Lynn MacDonald said...

I thnk that you can find a happy medium where you can talk about the pain without including all the stuff you dont want to..,

You can and you should...


formerlyonlyamovie said...

I've told you before that my divorce was a positive turning point in my life, and I believe you are about to turn that corner.
It just plain sucks while you're in the midst of it.
You're a writer and you need to write. Maybe a private blog or move some stuff to Wordpress to you can password protect?

Anna See said...

i truly believe that out of all of this pain will come a new, better path for you. love to you as you navigate all of this. as for the writing, i agree that you need to get it out. it's what you do. if you don't hit publish, you have still written...

Suzy said...

I wish I could write about all the stuff going down in my own life but I know better. It is out there forever and even though mine isn't as personal as yours, I still have to rein it in. If it's worth talking about in 6 months? I might.

Mellodee said...

Writing is the most cathartic (sp??) activity I know. It is especially helpful at times of extreme emotions when you have no other outlet!

We have gotten a few glimpses of the turmoil that you are going through, but if you feel like screaming from frustration or anger, or pain, then write! Somewhere. Probably not here because of that "forever" thing., but a journal, a sheet of notebook paper, leftover craft paper ....doesn't matter. Just lay it all out without editing, include the hurt, the confusion, the fear, the anger, the sadness....all the feelings! It is important that you NOT bottle everything up inside. It's even better than crying as a release mechanism. After you've written you could make several copies then you could tear it all up into little tiny pieces and flush them one at a time, and send each hurt along with the pieces. Sometimes it takes doing more than once (ergo the copies!) You could even scream a little while you do it!! (Make sure no one is home and the windows are closed though!! :))

But somewhere unburden your feelings through writing, you know it helps!

ChiTown Girl said...

I'm with the others. Write, write, write!! You don't have to publish it, or even write it for this blog. Hell, you can write it on toilet paper, just write it.

The one upside to baring your soul to us is that you will instantly see that you are NOT alone in this pain, hurt, confusion, anger, etc. So many of us have been there. We may not have any answers for you, but we've been there, and will be HERE to support and love you.


Just Two Chicks said...

I'm sorry you've been going through such a difficult time, and I agree that it's hard to write happily when you're struggling inside.

I agree with your kids though... you need to write about it. What I usually do is go back and edit, or I write twice and keep a personal copy for myself.

As far as divorce, it is hard... especially with children involved... no matter their ages :) This too shall pass, and you have a whole world of support, in real time and internet time!

Pseudo said...

Ah, one reason I haven't been blogging is life difficulty as well. I cannot publish mine as it is not mine to publish, just mine to live through. I do write about it though, but in journals.

Yours is your story and your life and what you are feeling and experiencing could be helpful for others to read. If you are careful with Tightwad tidbits, yet generous on reflection...

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry you've been having such a rough time. What if youmwrote a blog post and just saved it as a draft for a day or two. Maybe that way you would have the chance to calm down a bit about one particular issue and see if it is safe for publishing. If not, save it in a private journal and don't publish. Either way you have vented.

That Janie Girl said...

I'm glad you're writing about it. I, too, am wondering if it might not be wise to keep the details private until its over.

Love you...

CoftheU said...

I think you should start a new blog that doesn't advertise any link to you and spew and spew and spew and spew. Then you have options:

Direct us all to it so we can spew with you.
Don't tell anyone knowing some random stranger may stray upon it, but who cares.
Direct only a few trusted friends.

You never think it will be as ugly as it ends up. I had a pretty easy divorce yet still had a weekend where I just COULDN'T stop myself from putting his toothbrush up the cat's ass. If I thought the cat minded, I would have stuck it up my own, but she was in heat and kinda liked it. :)

HUGS to you, woman.

Jenny said...

It gets better. I promise. Hard stuff for a while, no getting around it, but: It.Gets.Better! And someday you'll get to promise someone else that it gets better!

Merideth in Wyoming said...

Hugs. You'll get through this and be a better person for it.

Leslie said...

Hope ain't just the name of my puppy! You will get through this, you will flourish and you will be happy again. Good things are in the air.

Bella said...

I enjoy your writing from humorous teaching moments to personal reflections on life's transitions.

If it helps you to write, please know we are listening.

flutter said...

I'm here. Talk to me any time.

Desert Songbird said...

Even people who divorce amicably go through pain. It's inevitable. Divorce is like a death. Pain is a fact of both.

Unfortunately. I can tell you, however, that eventually the pain subsides. Honestly, it does.

Vodka Mom said...

yes, the details will be private. xxx

Martini Mom said...

Definitely write it out... in a private journal. We are in an age when even seemingly innocuous Facebook posts can (and will) be used against you in a court of law, so it's really best to keep your thoughts private - at least until the divorce is final. But I'm guessing you already know that.

Divorce is hard. I had, relatively speaking, a "good" divorce and have, relatively speaking, a "good" co-parenting relationship with my ex. But it IS all relative, and even under the best of circumstances, it still sucks donkey balls, especially when kids are involved. (Pardon my French.) I am truly sorry that you're having to go through such a difficult process but, as so many people already said, it does get better and you will get through it. And your kids are lucky to have parents who are doing their best to be adults in a difficult situation (even if those parents aren't always 100% successful).

Fiducia said...

It's all better said than done in these cases...It's only YOU who needs to take the final stand and not let destiny play with it...If you see a ray of light through hope that things will work, then it means you need to just put that extra effort and make them work...I know how you feel...I have seen the pain and shatter from such experiences...But, you know what? Once the storm passes, calmness is bliss...! I don't know if that would be the same for you, but for sake of your kids, you need to fight this strong!! And publishing them online only makes you carry a burden half a dozen less! My prayers stand by you that you and your babies cross this mountain with courage, blessings, and love! Love, that's the strongest power of all...!!

Gayle said...

My dissoluntion 5.5 years ago went great. Even the actually seperation 8.5 years ago was fine. Now....all those years later we are in court battling because he is miserable and I am not...so he wants me to join him. It has been a nightmare that has aged me ten years in the last one. I do not envy you, but I can say, maybe if you have some ugly from the get-go, it will be done and be peaceful later. I would rather have than then this hell when I least expected it.

Gigi said...

Keeping you in my thoughts! Hope IS around the corner.

Slow Panic said...

Thank you so much for writing this post. I don't blog about my marriage because it's not in a good state. I've struggled with that. I wonder what the future brings -- there's so much to consider. Hugs to you and again thank you.

Rick Daley said...

Try to find the humor in it. Channel your anger and pain, grasshopper, and Make. Me. Laugh.

I know you have it in you.

Scope said...

Being in the middle of, well, not exactly a custody case, but an attempt to alter a parenting plan, I get how paralyzing it can be.

Kimberly at Rubber Chicken Madness said...

Hang in there! Sounds like you have the right core attitude. Divorce IS ugly no matter how you look at it.

That hope you see? It's real. And you'll get to it soon.

Shannon said...

While it's true that yes, things are in Internet land forever, it seems like right now, this topic is owning you. Because of the drain and because of the mental see-saw I'm sure you're experiencing, maybe writing about it will change it from owning you to YOU owning IT.

Hang in there. Yes, it's "forever" out there but is that a bad thing if it's true?

Lynn said...

I truly know where you are. Your description of divorce being a roller coaster is exactly how I would describe it when talking to others.

I have to agree that you have probably made a wise choice not to blog about it. I believe you have to be honest about your situation and where you are, but you do not necessarily have to lay it all out there.

After your hurt and anger dissipates, your written words will still remain. Unfortunately, it is usually at this point that those angry words we wrote so long ago come back to bite us in the butt.

As others have suggested, you should consider writing in a journal. That is what I did. I wrote three notebooks full within a few weeks of my separation. I listed every hurt, every failure (as I saw them) of my ex's, everything including the secrets that I still cannot bring myself to break. I wrote these things down, because I HAD to clear them from my head. There were too many things in there that were inhibiting rational thought.

It was 4 years later that I finally burned those journals. I didn't want anyone else to find them. I didn't want my son to ever read them and be hurt by some of the things I wrote in anger.

It was a necessity to write them, but I was the only person who needed to read them.

I wish you strength in your journey.

It is a long, hard road, but it does have an end.

Schadenfreude Warehouse said...

I can't offer you any personal comfort regarding divorce, but I can tell you that the only way out...is through. Hard but true. I wish you easier days.

Joanie said...

I agree with so many others here. Write it out and save it as a draft. Down the road, you might to publish it, in part or all of it. I'm glad to see you have your daughter's support and encouragement in this. At some point you WILL find the humor in all of this mess. And write it with your wonderfully wicked sense of humor. Hang int here and know that we all love you!

Zephyr said...

You hit the bottom, and then it's all uphill again. Climbing hills is tough, but the rewards are immense. :) Keep being strong, you'll get there.


Magpie said...

writing through it should help; you've a wise daughter there.

Rene/ Not The Rockefellers said...

I agree with all who have suggested a private "by invitation only" journal, that way you can sort through your thoughts and get honest feedback as well.

Hope is always on the horizon for you...
And God's gotcha in the palm of his hand, kiddo...never forget that...now scott :) And go write something :)

Rene/ Not The Rockefellers said...

I meant to say scoot !

KaLynn ("MiMi") said...

divorce is ugly. period.

i'm sorry you are having such a hard time. i've been there. more than once. it's never a nice period in your life.

hope is your ray of sunshine waiting for you at the end of the tunnel. it DOES get better.

hold your head high and never let it down.

prayers are with you.

Always Home and Uncool said...

Let it spill onto the page then let it sit. Sometimes the best writings never see the light of day but still do the best work.

Be well.

Trooper Thorn said...

It does get better, but it takes a long, long, long time and often things get much, much worse before the end too.

On a more positive note, you get a mention on my blog today. So, you're welcome ;)

CaJoh said...

This may have been said before, but writing things down may help you get a grip on all those things spinning around in your head. You do not need to publish it, but use it as a tool to stay focused. Sometimes writing it down allows you to let it go.

The best of skill in handling the events to come.

Vodka Mom said...

I've decided to go the private blog route. I don't ever want to say anything that might hurt another- or injure my children in any way. I will, however, share what might or might not be happening with ME as I walk this path. And frankly, God just loves to mess with me.

But I still love Him.

Jill said...

Sending you big hugs and cheery thoughts during a frankly crappy time.


JJ said...

Im new to your blog, so I just wanted to say "Hi" and to jump right into offering my hugs and supportive thoughts during this difficult time for you.

Camille said...

Good! Proud of your decision to go the 'private' blog route. You are going to feel like a new woman someday soon and you do NOT want to have all your personal pain and suffering floating around on the internet years and years from now. And it's because you will be so PAST IT all by then and loving your new life! I promise. Been there - done that.

Kate Coveny Hood said...

I love that you can talk openly with your daughter about it. Honestly - that's better than even million supportive fans. Much love to you.

fossette said...

Write and burn. Anything you post here can, and likely will, be brought up by opposing counsel. Family law sucks, there is no two ways about it. It's evil and vicious and just plain mean.

ladyfi said...

You're as strong as vodka. Perhaps writing a bit about your feelings will help you through this nightmare?

Hang on in there.

Cora said...

Oh, I soooooo know what you mean. I feel paralyzed on my blog as well due to a vicious and ugly court case that I am involved in. One of my ex's cousins found my blog and told me so and promised not to tell my ex. Ever since then I keep thinking that what I write might end up in court.... along with the fact that I gave my ex a very unflattering nickname on my blog.


But then I realize what I'm writing is the truth. Even the part about calling my ex Bag O. Douche. Because he is, dammit!

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