It probably seems that I turn my face towards the sun and smile most of the time. And frankly, I do.
But I have my moments.
I have days when my heart is heavy and I think I can’t fight one more battle. Today was one of those days.
This afternoon I went on my daily hike into the mountains behind my house. I left my dog at home. I need some moments to myself; moments that can't be distracted with worry that I might have to rescue my dog from a large Great Dane, a bobcat, or a mountain bike flying out of nowhere.
I need some moments.
I weaved my way up the rocky mountain path searching for answers. How can I pay this bill, that bill, keep my house, help my daughters, get this or that for Golden Boy, or buy groceries. How can I be the woman that they can be proud of? The role model that I want so desperately to be? I wondered if, perhaps, I’m finally at the place where I might not have the strength. Am I there? Have I finally reached that wall that I’ve been finding ways around all these years? Perhaps I have.
And I never thought I’d say that.
I reached the top of the trail, the fire pit that I’m sure many young people use when they are “enjoying” nature late at night. (cough) I sat upon a log, listened to the sounds of the woods and had a horrible realization.
I glimpsed, briefly, the terribly lonely place that many people live. The one that whispers to them, “It’s not worth it,” and it shocked me. I’m not gonna lie, it scared the hell out of me. I have never, ever been to that place. Sure, I’ve seen it from afar, noticed it from a balcony high, high above, but never, ever been in that particular room.
I stood abruptly, and shook my head. I realized that I had to continue to be strong. I reminded myself that with each financial and emotional challenge – with each obstacle that has been thrown in my path- something wonderful has appeared. (And believe you me, if a crazy problem needs a home, I’m usually the one it finds.) I’ve worked so hard all my life to find ways to solve any crazy problem thrown in my path and I COULD NOT stop NOW. Not when sweet freedom and happiness are surely right around the corner...
Tonight I sit on my couch and remind myself that I want to be the kind of person that my children, my siblings, and my parents would be proud of. The person who works hard, who laughs at danger and hardship and survives, who finds ways to solve any problem, and who never, ever lets her sorrows get her down.
But first, can someone mix me a martini? I’m in need right about now.
And some chips. I could REALLY use some chips. ( And maybe a medium. Pass the chips AND a medium.)