I don't EVER want to go back to THAT place. (Someone make me laugh, right now!)

I’m tired…and very, very cranky.

It probably seems that I turn my face towards the sun and smile most of the time.  And frankly, I do.

But I have my moments. 

I have days when my heart is heavy and I think I can’t fight one more battle.  Today was one of those days. 

This afternoon I went on my daily hike into the mountains behind my house.  I left my dog at home.  I need some moments to myself; moments that can't be distracted with worry that I might have to rescue my dog from a large Great Dane, a bobcat, or a mountain bike flying out of nowhere. 

I need some moments.

I weaved my way up the rocky mountain path searching for answers. How can I pay this bill, that bill, keep my house, help my daughters, get this or that for Golden Boy, or buy groceries. How can I be the woman that they can be proud of? The role model that I want so desperately to be?  I wondered if, perhaps, I’m finally at the place where I might not have the strength.  Am I there?  Have I finally reached that wall that I’ve been finding ways around all these years?   Perhaps I have. 

And I never thought I’d say that. 

I reached the top of the trail, the fire pit that I’m sure many young people use when they are “enjoying” nature late at night.  (cough)   I sat upon a log, listened to the sounds of the woods and had a horrible realization. 

I glimpsed, briefly, the terribly lonely place that many people live.  The one that whispers to them, “It’s not worth it,” and it shocked me.  I’m not gonna lie, it scared the hell out of me.  I have never, ever been to that place. Sure, I’ve seen it from afar, noticed it from a balcony high, high above, but never, ever been in that particular room.

I stood abruptly, and shook my head.  I realized that I had to continue to be strong.  I reminded myself that with each financial and emotional challenge – with each obstacle that has been thrown in my path- something wonderful has appeared. (And believe you me, if a crazy problem needs a home, I’m usually the one it finds.)   I’ve worked so hard all my life to find ways to solve any crazy problem thrown in my path and I COULD NOT stop NOW. Not when sweet freedom and happiness are surely right around the corner...

Tonight I sit on my couch and remind myself that I want to be the kind of person that my children, my siblings, and my parents would be proud of. The person who works hard, who laughs at danger and hardship and survives, who finds ways to solve any problem, and who never, ever lets her sorrows get her down. 

But first, can someone mix me a martini?   I’m in need right about now.

And some chips. I could REALLY use some chips.  ( And maybe a medium.  Pass the chips AND a medium.) 



Brian Miller said...


you are a beautiful person with a great life ahead of you....

and just think of the splinters they got enjoying nature last night...

Anna Whiston-Donaldson said...

love you and this post. xo

Lynn said...

I'm a medium and I can see it in the tea leaves that you are going to be juuuussst fiinnne.

lisahgolden said...

I'd say that just by glimpsing that place and shaking it off, you're already the kind of woman your family and friends are proud of.

Laugh in its face. Easier said than done, but you do it every day and you help a lot of us do it, too. xo

Suzy said...

It's where I was last year, re my apartment problem. It didn't pass. I thought about it for days. I just didn't see any other solutions because I was filled with panic. And panic leads you to the Bad Place.

I'm okay now but for the first 6 months I hardly unpacked anything. I was terrified it would happen again. And the only people who knew about were the bloggers and tweeters who followed the story. I didn't tell my family.

I still haven't.

I too worry about bills every day and every day (mostly) a miracle arrives. So just hang on until the next miracle arrives. And the next one and the next one.


Buy vodka.

Malisa said...

I can do that. Shaken or stirred. How about some kettle fried chips. How about some homemade salsa? Self-discovery is painful but liberating. You've gone through the fire and are still here.


You need to check out my past thirty days in the Thirty Day Photos II challenge. You know all the people I'm in this meme with. Come check us out tomorrow.

Miss you!

Behind the Zion Curtain said...

I'm not a medium, I'm a Large.
Love you stories about the school kids. The Mrs is a "para" and the kids keep her going.

Notes From ABroad said...

I wish I were a medium, I would be able to tell you all the Good Stuff that is coming .. but since I am not one, will you believe me when I tell you that All kinds of Good Stuff is coming ?
It is ... you know how it goes .. ups and downs. You will start on the upward cycle any day now.
Since we came to Buenos Aires, I am no longer a medium, I am now a small.
If love were dollars, you would be loaded .. besos.

Anonymous said...

Dear Vodka,
I too have been to that room--and several times lately--and had to remind myself that the decor in there is really not my style. Glad you came back to the hallway because the next door that opens is probably going to be the room of your dreams, so to speak. You are loved around the world and I read you blog to make myself smile. Stay strong.

Anonymous said...

You forgot the most important person --- YOU.
Take care of 'you' and 'they' will be just fine.
I mean it. Really.

Here's my mantra:
I am not where I have been.
I am not where I am going.
I am on my way.

LegalMist said...

Thanks for this post. I've been standing in the doorway of that room recently, looking in, trying to find the strength to go on instead of entering, and your post has helped me to see I'm not alone. I think, I hope... no, I know... we can, and will, walk away from the room and find a way around the wall.... We can, and will, be the person our kids need and want us to be. We can, and will, find ourselves and regain happiness again... Thank you.

MANDI said...

I'm sorry I have no words of wisdom for you but wanted to let you know how much you mean to me - your posts inspire me to look for the good in every situation, to find the funny side of things and you inspire me to never give up. I think of you often through the day, either to smile (or sometime giggle out loud) about whatever you posted or because you seem to be struggling and I'm holding you in my thoughts. Keep at it Vodka Mom, you've got a huge cheer squad all the way round the world.

Jen said...

oh VM, what a touching and heart wrenching post.
I wish you could see you from here. You are truly amazing, as are all of us women who are fighting at this coal face alone, without assistance and without someone to stand at our side when we need it most.
I think that to sit and wonder, and feel like we are failing are normal and its those moments that inspire us to pick ourselves up and carry this load for another day, or two or seventy.
As usual, I can relate to your words, I too have found myself on that mountaintop and have also come to the realisations, for one or a hundred reasons, I must keep walking - I choose to live.
Mixing a martini now - and one for you too - and because you are not here to share it with me, I will drink both of them... ok??
Much love from across the pond

That gentleman's lady said...

Hey Vodka,

I know this path you've walked. Trying to keep it all together and being unable to. Wondering if it's doable, wondering if somehow something will work out. As for that terribly lonely place, I've taken a few steps into it a time or two. Sometimes more than a few steps.

But truly, when you can glimpse that freedom and happiness, there are just a few more horrible steps to go through, a few more difficult moments to survive.

Something always always works out. Rooting for you here. You can do this :)

SkylersDad said...

I understand those thoughts that appear on the edge and try and crowd their way in. You did right by getting the alone time with outdoors. That always helps.

Hugs help a lot too, sending many your way.

Japolina said...

You are not alone. Many, many people have the same panic and worry right now. Hope things get better xoxo

Scope said...

About 3.5 years ago, I stood outside that place, wondering if I should go in give up and go in, because really, what was the point.

And then, well, you know "the point" came into my life.

Willows can survive winds that fell the mightiest of oaks, because they can bend with the wind. But they aren't called "Weeping Willows" for nothing.

And since you wanted a laugh: http://youtu.be/mv8YPyaR10o

Anonymous said...

Words of Wisdom?

No one can drive us crazy
unless we give them the keys.
Doug Horton

Yep, sometimes there are a lot of folks(like bill senders) out there trying to make us crazy -

You have a lot of folks here putting their tags on your key chain - so, don't lose the Dam* Keys!
faithful follower

Erin said...

Oh Vodka ~ You are an inspiration to many ~ me included. It Will get better & sometimes it gets better than better. I've been there. As my mom always says, "This too shall pass." Chin up!

K Dubs said...

it must be the week for it. Hang in there - it has to get better, right? Hugs!

Anonymous said...

If what your doing isn't working do something else. You are an amazing writer. Put some of those funny stories into a book. I know I'd buy it and I'd give it to every teacher I know because your stories always make me laugh.

Anonymous said...

VM, you have to put one foot in front of the other each and every day....

and make sure those feet have some cute shoes on them!

Find some time to spend with those you love, and pray, if that's your way.

Maybe a visit to an understanding medical professional would be a good idea, too.

Yup, been there, done that.

Vodka Mom said...

thank you for the love, friends. I'm better today...and on the way up. I hope. And Anonymous...I AM writing the book. This little thing called a job keeps getting in my way. (And I am my OWN worst enemy...procrastination be thy name...)

cheatymoon said...

I know a few mediums and sometimes dead people talk to me, who do you want to talk to?

I've been in that place - maybe even yesterday - it will be fine. You're so strong.

xoxoxo Love to you.

Maris said...

I am a medium when I buy the expensive clothes instead of the cheap ones...does that count?

Keep your chin up--reading your posts helps get me through the tougher parts of a law school semester--and it's all about me, ya know (at times I am Bitchy's personality doppelganger, what can I say?)

Sending you virtual ripped from someone's garden flowers and enough playdoh rings to match every outfit you own :-)

Anonymous said...

I've been to that place. I OWNED that place for a while. Almost didn't get out alive, but I did. Love, strength, and pure determination are what saved me, and you have more of each than I ever did.

I love that you go into the woods and walk when you need to find yourself. Me too. Trees are such good listeners. They never give you the answers, but they always help you find them.

Keep going. One more day, one more hour, one more step, whatever you can manage. Just keep going.

Sue said...

I'm catching up on my blog reading this morning. Work was brutal this week-end, but brutal from being busy. i honestly know EXACTLY how you feel. I've been fighting the mortgage company for a year to hang on to my house, working my ass off at the store, and my 14 year old dog died on Saturday. But like you, I keep on going because we both KNOW that is what we have to do, and what we know HOW to do best. Thankfully those kind of days do pass!!

Take care my friend,

Cora said...

Oh, VM, you are not alone, my lovely lady. I caught a glimpse of that frightening place a few years ago when I was drowning in medical bills, suffering with horrible chronic nerve pain, and constantly, CONSTANTLY being kicked around by a certain cold-hearted "man" who just wanted to cause me as much additional misery as he possibly could while he knew I was struggling with my health crisis.

I saw that frightening place while driving my car, in tears, one day on the freeway behind a semi. I just suddenly thought 'I can't do this anymore; it's not worth it.' I wondered what would happen if I crashed my car into the semi in front of me. I was so shocked that I had even thought that, that I immediately pulled over and just sat there, shaking. Of course, I realized immediately that it IS worth it and I CAN and WILL keep doing it no matter what because, my goodness, what would become of my child if I weren't around?!


It was just hard, dealing with everything all by myself, that's where that place materialized from. I felt like I was holding the whole world up all on my own and that absolutely no-one cared. That's a horrible feeling. But we are never really alone. All we have to do is reach out and people will be there.

I adore you, my dear! I am so sorry things are overwhelming. Any time you need to talk, vent, cry, scream, or throw things, you know where to find me. ((((hugs))))

As Cape Cod Turns said...

No words of wisdom, just sending love your way :)

Saad said...

How about some pot fried snacks. How about some home made salsa? Self-discovery is agonizing but publishing. You've gone through the flame and are still here.