Top Ten? Top Five? Seven? Frankly, I don't really give a @)#* right about now...

Top SEVEN things you can do when not trying to commit harakiri cause you’ve been incapacitated for TOO DAMN LONG (aka eight weeks) and can only walk around once an hour for a split second or so.

7.  List ways you can off yourself.

6.  Google interesting ways you can off yourself.  (Forget the log.  It only wants to hurt you and inflict pain AND wants you to finish yourself off yourself.)

5.  Discover the list your children have made of ways THEY can off you,cause by now you’ve effectively driven them insane.  (And visa versa.)

4.  Stumble upon a great guy on match.com, and then see how many times you can whine, complain, moan and groan (get your mind out of the gutter, people) before he CUTS AND RUNS.  (The jury is still out, but not for lack of trying on MY part; apparently I’m a GREAT complainer.)

3.  Conduct an experiment to see how FAST you can put on that 35 pounds that it took you two years to lose.  I recommend eating ALL the Hershey Mini’s, Ferraro Rocher’s, Lindor Truffles and Ghirardelli chocolates that all your friends so thoughtfully provided you while in the hospital.  (Do NOT share; I repeat, do not share said candies.)   (This particular item might have a direct impact on #7, and will probably hasten said “cut and run”.)

2.  Have your daughters try to help you pull on your incredibly tight (and very sexy) white compression  stockings that are designed to stop blood clots while you lie on the floor in an incredibly unflattering position.  This will not only provide them with hysterical (but painful) entertainment, it will ensure that they do NOT come and “help” you again during your convalescence. (“This would be much easier if you were a baby…..and smaller….and NOT our mother…..”   Everyone’s a damn comedian.)

1. See how many Middleswarth Bar-b-que Potato chips you can eat in one whole day.  It helps when your friends (who know you too well) provide you with multiple (hundreds of)  bags of said chips in an effort to lift your sinking spirits.  I also highly recommend keeping crumbs of said chips on your increasingly large bosom.  (They sparkle….kind of like edible glitter….)

someone throw me a life preserver......I'm sinking fast......


Sara J. Henry said...

Put the chocolate and chips in the freezer. Read. Write. Heal. (Chocolate and chips do not help you heal.)

Want an ARC of my new book?

Anonymous said...

I am sending good thoughts for a speedy recovery, I got those black compression socks, used them 3 times before I was screeming & running from a Papa Murphys pizza place they hurt toooo much..Not kidding about that, I did not wear them again and I walk and walk all the time..I would eat all those chocolates and end up in a coma I gots the sugars (type 2 diabetes) but really i only get candy my hubbs likes and my only child I ship it off to NYC not this week though the storm and all, reading your blog, cracks me up on a full moon no less dark and dank in the pacific northwest, it is wet about 195 days a years, moss grows everywhere, just like in the Lord of the Rings triology, it is like a moss town day and night..I keep the lights blasting and wear red to cheer me up and drink some white tea and oolang tea to keep me up and cheerful.GET WELL SOON, HEAL AND KEEP THE BLOG A GOING..you will be great in a split second, I know it will seem like forever, I broke both of my ankles in one damn year, I just had to chill and see how others viewed me pretty damn good, If I may soo of course then I could actually nibble on all the boxes of candy I got, no more for that I drink teas and read blogs, work and volunteer and keep up when the day does get lighter..Happy Hallowee, Happy Thanksgiving day, HappyVeterans Day, Happy Hanukkah, Merry Freakin Christams and a peaceful healthy New Year in 2013!!!!!!!!!!!

Carrie B said...

I find it ironic and super funny that the ad at the bottom of this post is for CocoaVia . . ."all the benefits of Dark chocolate without all the calories? Haha

Hang in there!!

G. B. Miller said...

I can understand the feeling of insanity when it comes to healing from an intensive surgery.

Good friend of mine went through the exact same thing three years ago, and the boredom drove her so batty that she actually went back to work about two and a half weeks early.

Wishing you a very speedy recovery and hopefully, your house is just one floor, 'cause having more than one is another way to drive not only yourself buggy, but everyone else as well. :D

Japolina said...

I am easily bored so I can understand your boredom and eating. Hang in there. I'm sure it will get better very very soon and then you'll have a bionic hip and will be unstoppable.

Judi said...

You had me at Waddlesworth chips (OMG....it was always a MUST-HAVE treat to bring back from your little town when I visited my son....I MISS THOSE CHIPS!)
Here's my life preserver--watch Magic Mike over and over again then when you tire of that....watch Rock of Ages over and over again.....oh, btw...take painkillers between each viewing!
Sending healing vibes....

Judi said...

Haha....Waddlesworth chips? WTH? Middleswarth!! OMG! Well, let's put it this way...if my son's PhD would have taken me any longer, I'd be waddling from eating all those chips! Was that an insensitive thing to say to a person in your condition?
I am just striking out all over today. I am going back to my little Vodkamom lurker/stalker ways....

ChiTown Girl said...

Oh, sweetpea, I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. Man, at least I know I'd TOTALLY be able to handle hip surgery. There's nothing I love more than lying in bed, surrounded by snacks, with a stack of magazines, the tv remote, my iPod to play games on, and my computer to do everything else. God, I'm such a SLUG!!

Please God say you're joking about making Mr. Darcy run away. You shouldn't even be putting those vibes out into the universe. My sister is a HUGE believer in the saying "words have power," and in this case, I gotta side with her. Stop it right now!

I'm gonna step up my prayers for your speedy recovery. xoxox

Vodka Mom said...

Yikes!! You're right.

he loves me, he loves me, he loves me.

And just wait until he sees me NORMAL!!!

He's be even MORE crazy about me.

(There, did the universe hear that??? I hope so...)

SanH said...

I am sure the universe did hear you and he will stay.
Good luck in your recovery, my mom was in bed rest due to eye surgery for a long time and she took that time to relax since aparently we never do that in our normal crazy life, so just enjoy your little time off, it will be gone quick and you will heal and be better in no time.
Keeping you in my prayers

Anna Whiston-Donaldson said...

yikes! hang in there girl. eating tons of crap here in your honor! xo

Sheila said...

I am sorry you are going stir crazy.
Think of all the books you wanted to read but never had time to and all the movies you wanted to watch but never had time to and send those kids to library/Netflix; all the things you wanted to learn (knitting? not juggling...) and have someone teach you.
Relax and take care of yourself. Enjoy the love everyone is sending/giving you.
Take your pain meds.
Check your mail.

Vodka Mom said...



I just got the mail today and CAN'T BELIEVE IT! IT is just what the doctor ordered, and got me out of my pity party.

You are an amazing soul!!!!

Marissa said...

Netflix....watch entire streaming seasons of stuff you haven't had time for, documentaries, cheesy chick flicks....it will make the time go quicker.

Then you can write reviews for us--what to see, what to skip. Plus, if the meds make you drift off, you won't miss anything important. And it sure beats watching daytime tv. Except Anderson's talk show...I could watch that man's blue eyes forever (my husband knows and just rolls his eyes).

And definitely freeze the chocolate--it will last longer plus make you think about eating it first.

Just remember--you will feel sooo much better once you are recovered.

Lyn Goff said...

Take the pain pills and sleep as much as you can. I'm going crazy being shut in by Sandy for 2 days, I can't imagine how frustrated you must be. It won't be long before Mr. Darcy will be enjoying the "normal" you:)

Gigi said...

*Note to self: DO NOT send Vodka anymore chocolate or chips*

Sara J. Henry said...

Send her books, folks!

notme said...

ok, we won't send more chocolate/chips. only vodka. just don't be picky on brands, cause i don't know anything about vodka. only rum.

i would recommend a book to you....a suspenseful, wonderful read....just can't remember the title or author. but it was really good.

you could watch honey boo boo clips and be glad she's not your own. or in your class. or if she's in your class, you could hope she's moved to a different school in 8 weeks' time.

you could pray a LOT for the folks impacted by Sandy. and i'm hoping your weather is ok. i believe you're very near that situation.

you could invent new compression stockings...or adopt some children who won't laugh at you.

you could work on your book when the spirit moves you.

speaking of spirits, dear God in heaven, i'm thankful those chips aren't available in my area.

notme said...

ps. and be thankful you're missing the Halloween party tomorrow, and the sugar days that follow. Halloween was definitely not invented by teachers.

Scope said...

Hey, Bitchy & Sassy:

- Steal that chocolate.
- Fill her fridge with carrots and celery.
- Eat the chocolate just out of her reach in a taunting manner.
- Video, video, video.

Just trying to help.

- Scope

Anonymous said...

Vodkamom - if you have never watched it - get yourself the first 4 seasons of Sons of Anarchy and believe me all your pain will go away!!!

Take good care and enjoy the rest while you can...soon it will be a memory and you'll be back to your crazy life wishing you had a minute to yourself!!


Joy@BundlesOfJoy said...

Have you checked out the new wonderful shows on PBS? They have back episodes on PBS.org. When I need an emotional rollercoaster and catharsis, I watch "Call the Midwife." AMAZING. "Upstairs Downstairs" and "Downton Abbey" also make me swoon. Did I mention how wonderful "Call the Midwife" is?

Oh, and don't forget to keep ahead of the pain. Take the pills. They help you tolerate the walking and torture tights.

Hang in there!

Vodka Mom said...

Holy crap I LOVE you people.

Yes, I will promise to

1. Finish up The Book of Frank (at the tail end)
2. Watch the Sons of Anarchy

and feel not a MINUTE of sorrow for myself.

I am the luckiest @)#*# in the world, and I know it.

Now, can I get a martini around here????? Anyone???

Unknown said...

You can always share those Sea Salt chocolates. Never tried them but they sound delicious.Okay so maybe you can take up knitting? Or how about watch the Walking Dead? I think Season 1 and 2 is on Netflix. You can learn to play the guitar and write music. How about do what you do so very well....write!!! Feel better, my friend.

viridian said...

freeze the chocolate.
If the above suggestions pale after 2 weeks:
Rent Earth Girls are Easy (Esp. if you like Jeff Goldblum). mindless fun fluff.
get from the library any book by Carl Hiaasen.
Internet: check out Tomandlorenzo.com for fun, snarky commentary on celebrity fashion. Did I say fun?

Elaine said...

I think you should just blog, blog, blog. You know, because your co-dependent friends really get upset when there is a non-blog day. And, you have a lot of time on your hands now. Or actually, a lot of time on your BUTT! (sorry, my sense of humor has always been a bit twisted.) Actually I do sympathize with your confinement and will see you soon.

Joanna Jenkins said...

I keep the chocolates and cookies in the freezer-- I find comfort knowing they are close by but I'm too vain to eat them frozen for fear of chipping my teeth. too bad that won't work for BBQ chip-- dang those things are good.

Glad you still have your sense of humor. I'm still tearing up over Frank visiting you.

Hang in there. xoxoxo jj

Jennifer I. said...

Sending healing thoughts your way. I'm sorry you are having a rough time of it. I am glad, however, that your sense of humor is undamaged. Evidently you didn't shatter that in your fall. Death by chocolate? Is that really such a bad way to go? LOL

SkylersDad said...

Sorry I am late to the party, things have been a little screwed up over here.

One more suggestion:
Have Mr Match come over to help put on your stockings. It's only awkward the first time! ;^)