Plenty of Sardines (aka Dating in the crazy pool…)

Dear founders of the incredible (and free) dating site that I’ve decided to rename “Plenty of Sardines”:

While many of us single, older women appreciate the opportunity to go “fishing” on your site for free, we’d like to request that you provide a tiny bit of a screening process for the matches that you send us each morning.    

Sure, we like to think we’re open-minded, but just because we’re in our fifties and our clocks are banging away in the drawer (I’m pretty sure it’s a clock), it doesn’t mean we’re desperate. 

Let me clarify for a moment. 

I’ve received emails from many interested, somewhat eligible bachelors. While most of the messages are fairly easy to decipher, some subscribers clearly haven’t finished the fourth grade.  As a teacher, I know the “must know” spelling words for fourth grade. With that in mind, I’d like to recommend a “spell check” feature for your (free) site.

At the end of my original profile, I simply added that I was looking for “a nice man with high moral standards”.

As of today, another single friend and I have both changed the requirements on our profiles to read as follows:

You must NOT be married.  We repeat- NOT MARRIED.

You must have a job… and ALL your teeth. J. O.  B.  

You must have your own vehicle, because no, we will not come to your house or your ex-wife’s house (where you are still living because you don’t have a job) to pick you up.  We have some standards, believe it or not.

You must not currently be in jail or on a sex-offenders list. Yes, we do know how to use Google.

You must provide a picture of yourself on your profile. (It’s only fair.)  We recommend that you do not pose with your dog, cat, fish, sledgehammer,  large-mouthed bass, horse, cow, parrot or a Beluga Whale.  (Trust us on this one.) 

So, while this might limit the pool of sardines, we’re optimistic that these changes will help us find our true loves.

You’re welcome; we can’t wait to see the improvements.

Best regards,

Two fairly hot, slightly used, optimistic fifty year-old fish waiting to be hooked.  (Just make sure your clients use the proper bait. )