It’s hard sometimes to imagine what your life will be after a divorce.
It’s such an incredibly traumatic event, that frankly it’s hard to imagine each day what the very next day will be like.
The events that lead up to such a difficult and painful decision are so very different from one person to the next. I’m sure that for most people, the effects that a divorce will have on others is almost as important as the many reasons for the divorce in the first place. Almost, but not quite.
But again, it’s so hard to imagine what your life will be like after a divorce.
I don’t think I had the strength to imagine who I would be on the after side, but I’m pretty sure I was hopeful. I’m pretty sure I was hoping that I would still live on the sunny side of life. I hoped I would still be able to wake up each morning excited for the day and happy to go to work. I know I hoped I would still have a grateful heart, a job I loved, amazing friends and my precious children.
I also know I was hoping that I would still be laughing. I wanted to still enjoy those spontaneous laughs that you share with people you love- the kind of laughs that cause you to cross your legs, wipe your eyes and hiccup at the very end.
I wasn’t asking for much from this whole life-changing, hard fought, traumatic event. But ultimately, in the end, I wanted to have myself back.
But we know that in the real world we really don’t always get all that what we want.
Yes, I feel that I am putting together the pieces of my life, my heart and my soul. But the fallout of this battle has imbedded some emotional shrapnel in places and people I never expected.
So now when I go to bed at night and when I wake up each day I say my prayers of gratitude and of hope.
I am so very grateful to have a happy life, to be standing tall supporting myself and perhaps only one or two others. I am grateful for my true friends who have held my hands and whispered words of love and encouragement in my ear throughout this journey. I am grateful to have found an amazing partner who lifts me up every day and shows me how life is really meant to be lived. I am grateful that Bitchy has spread her wings and is living the life that I always hoped that she would. I am so grateful that my children are healthy.
And then I say my prayers of hope.
I hope that The Golden Boy will continue to be an amazing young man - but that he realizes the only person he should be taking care of is himself. I hope that I am healthy enough to live many, many more days on this planet. I hope that I remember that each day is a gift, that we cannot change anyone but ourselves and a true honest-to-God belly laugh is the very best cure for things that ail.
And I hope, with all my might, that Sassy will find her way back to her mother.
This life I have right now is not the life I would have imagined I would be living. No, it’s much, much more! I think, perhaps, because I didn’t imagine it at all...