Dear P. Charming,
I can sense you standing in the other room, patiently waiting for me to emerge from my self-induced coma. I can almost feel your arms as they reach to wrap themselves around me, as you pull me close and tell me that I don’t have to worry anymore…that I will no longer be alone. I sense you there, waiting quietly for me to be ready. And I am almost there…
Almost.
First, let me just tell you a little bit more about this woman who has weathered many a perfect storm. I feel you need to know about the fragile heart that beats inside this independent façade; and then you can decide if this woman is the one that you want to love for the rest of your life.
I’ve been alone for a long, long time.
Yes, I have three very loud, obnoxious, bratty, wonderful, incredible and talented children who I would lay down my life for in a heartbeat. They came into this world and showed me the true meaning of pure joy and heart stopping fear, and left behind three fairly ugly scars. My doctor took pity on me several years ago and decided to add a larger, more hideous one when she removed anything that wasn’t nailed down. The fact that the incision came apart and required a crazy wound-vac only added to the scar’s beauty. And so while I am still 18 in my heart, this 52 year-old body has weathered several other storms.
And while I was married for 22 years, I was very alone for most of them. I went to parent/conferences, back to school nights, sporting events, banquets, picnics, celebrations and vacations with my children, alone. I’ve become accustomed to spending time with myself, and have long given up making excuses for why I’ve had to do this.
I’ve spent the last several years shedding this cloak of unhappiness and fighting like hell to reach the surface of this deep, dark ocean. I’ve felt those tendrils from the bottom reach up to pull me back down, and found myself shaking them off with strength I never knew I had.
While I’ve been alone each night as I lay in my bed, during the day I’ve been wrapped in the arms of some incredibly loyal and generous friends. They have shown me that I am beautiful, loving, talented, intelligent and worthy of only the best that this world has to offer. I, in turn, have tried my hardest to show my own children that the same is true for them.
And now, as I glance around the surface of this ocean I can feel the sun shine it’s light upon me, and it is incredible.
And so, Mr. Charming, if you are strong enough to hold this heart of mine without dropping it, by all means.
Give it a shot. (Apparently I’m not afraid of anything…)
