4/28/09

Hold your nose, people.


Dear members of the FBI,

 

I’m not sure if you received my last (deleted) message about a sure fire-way to combat terrorism, but on Sunday I stumbled upon another brilliant method you could employ.

 

Force the terrorists to spend 8 hours in the sun (94 degrees mind you) at an all-day field hockey tournament.  THEN, at 4:30 in the afternoon, have them walk into the only air-conditioned building next to the field where numerous teams have decided to rest- after taking off their SHOES AND SOCKS that they’ve worn since 7:00 that morning.

 

They’ll be dead on the floor in 30 seconds.  Guaranteed.

 

Jesus my eyes are still watering.  

83 comments:

Jeanne said...

Last night I was sitting on the couch, watching TV with Old Dog, and I smelled that EXACT SAME SMEll?

"Did you step in dog shit?" I asked.

He grinned.

"Nope. Just took off my boots."

That's not just an odor, it's an OH-DEAR!

WeaselMomma said...

That would probably be classified as torture by congress.

Jan said...

You could cut the time considerably and just force them to spend half an hour in my 14-year-old son's bedroom. They'd get the same effect.

Yup.

Kat said...

I am pretty sure that is worse than waterboarding.

K said...

This is the spring of 2 year old birthdays parties in our house - not so fun.

Welcome back.

♥ Braja said...

Hose 'em down with martini spray. No? OK. Just sayin'....

Carolyn...Online said...

Didn't we do that to Manuel Noriega?

Lorraine said...

And I thought a classroom full of funky third graders after recess on a 90 degree day was bad!

CSquaredPlus3 said...

That just might work!

dizzblnd said...

YAY! I am so happy you are back.. it wasn't the same without you.

I just gagged at the thought of the scene you just described.. and I agree.. it would be an EXCELLENT torture method

Gaston Studio said...

That would do it!

LadyFi said...

Excellent idea! And if the kids are teenagers, then add a large dash of underarm odour and rooting-tooting farts to the mixture.

Then stand well back - e.g. in another state.

Rick Daley said...

That's actually a really good idea. I think Muslims was their feet when they pray 5 times a day, so a roomful of bad foot odor would make them think they were actually in hell. Sweet.

Of course, this is only effective against your Muslim jihadists. Other flavors of terrorist, such as the Patriotic Redneck Militants like Timothy McVeigh, would just be reminded of their trailers and feel slightly homesick.

The Blue Ridge Gal said...

The Imelda Marcos Effect?

Di
The Blue Ridge Gal

Cora said...

Ewwwww!!!!

Cruel and unusual punishment.

lizspin said...

I can smell it now. . .

Alice said...

I can add another smell: Teaching teenagers who come to your small classroom after PE, lunch & recess AND before they have learned about something called deodorant!

mo.stoneskin said...

I've always thought forcing them to generate electricity from giant hamster wheels was a just and environmentally friendly punishment!

Sue said...

I don't know why the FBI doesn't ask more moms for help. We certainly know a whole host of things that would bring evil people to their knees.
Number one would be your example.
Number 2 would be fish clothes that have been worn and worked in for 3 days straight (and the boots too).

Seeing you post 2 days in a row again is making me giddy!

Joanie M said...

My ex could clear a room by removing his shoes. Another reason I'm glad he's gone! Unfortunately, my daughter inherited that trait from him.

Janie at Sounding Forth said...

Yahooooo! You're back!

Girl, you're cracking me up this morning.

Love ya, heifer!!

Randomly Elly said...

I know the "smell" too well...you had me rolling on the floor!!! my husband is a landscaper and wore boots in the summer heat...one night while lying in bed I asked him if he smelled something...he said yeah. After a 5 min search of the bedroom..... we found the culprit...HIS BOOTS!!!!!
Happy Tuesday!!!

Rachel said...

I've experienced that same smell near the ball pit at Chuck E Cheese. Yuck.

Welcome back!

Joanie said...

I would just put someone in the same room with my roommate for six minutes. Especially after he's been drinking. Some people just shouldn't drink.

You and I are not those people.

Da Goddess
dagoddess.com

Matt-Man said...

It will never work, VM. Have you ever spent time in an Al-Qaida training camp barracks? Holy Cow...The stench!! Oh Dear God (or Allah) THE STENCH. They'd be immune to your sweaty foot method. Cheers!!

Tracey - Just Another Mommy Blog said...

Holy moly it's that hot already? Wait, where do you live again? Obviously not by me with our 60-70 weather lately (GORGEOUS! Even the drizzles are lovely!)

Hope today's a good day for you...

Prefers Her Fantasy Life said...

If the terrorists would be immune to the smell as Matt-Man says, then put on "the devil's music" as the kids are relaxing.

Under the Influence said...

The ol' stinky feet torture chamber. Yep, that should do it.

Christy said...

I'm gagging just thinking about that. ewww...

Kate Coveny Hood said...

I was just thinking about that this morning (kind of). I've started putting my kids in sandals (no socks of course) and should expect to stinky feet smell to invade my car and house in about a month. It doesn't go away until late September (or maybe the first frost...)

darkwitless said...

You just made my day - I am actually teary eyed!

Thanks for coming back to share your view and your voice with us!

Dana's Brain said...

I would endure it to get you back. And here you are!!

My day is complete. Luckily without having to deal with the stinky feet!

KekeLynn said...

hahaha!!! That sounds disgusting!

darsden said...

after all that love I showed to you ... You go and ruin my morning coffee with that hideous smelly part... (why did or would I think you would come back "lovey")

I know one person that could put an entire gym full...to shame... I can smell him a mile away...

wonderful though to wake up and see a post from you :-)

Alix said...

Hi. Nice to see you VM. Can we assume (hope, pray, thank our lucky stars) your sabbatical is over?

Not much of a vacay for you, but all the better for us, your faithful followers.

Cindy said...

Hey, that's an awesome idea. Probably very cost conscience too:)

Hope all is well, Deb.

Em said...

I want to know who authorized that tournament, who opened that gym to those children and who allowed them to take off their shoes. You should expect a "truth commission" visit before the end of the week, so get your story straight.

Sincerely, Eric Holder

The Grandpa said...

That would certainly do it.

Empress Bee (of the High Sea) said...

when my son was a teenager we made him put his shoes outside at night they were so bad. there were no odor eaters for that boy! he needed an ODOR eater!

smiles, bee
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

did i tell you i'm glad you're back? i am. ps

Shawn said...

Ahahahahaha! I made my husband go buy some new socks, some Odor Eaters and foot spray...it was getting baaaad!

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

Tht was so well put that my eyes are watering too.

BTW I do hope you put those deleted posts in a folder so you could put them in a book someday....

Stacy said...

When my son was in wrestling, the practice gym had the stench you described. I still get choked up at the thought of it 10 years later.

The Mind of a Mom said...

Oh and you forgot to mention the Shin guards they are just as nasty! How can such pretty girls smell so bad!!

Kathy B! said...

I'm sure the State Dept. will be in touch shortly.

Sandee said...

Bwahahahahaha. Sounds like cruel and unusual punishment to me. I'll pass thank you very much.

Have a terrific day. :)

Shauni said...

OH this is perfect.. accurate and of course it would be considered inhumane to the terrorists...

We as moms of course well...

thank you for sharing

Sue Jackson said...

I'm SO glad you are back! Stand tall and proud and pat yourself on the back!
Take care, Sue

The Laughing Idiot said...

I'm so glad I have girls - hopefully, I'll be spared this experience :)

Desert Songbird said...

The conditions you describe are very familiar to us who live in the desert. Um, yeah...

The Stiletto Mom said...

You're back, you're back!

I'm so happy, made my day to see you in my reader. Don't scare us like that again!

xoxo

Vivienne said...

Great! And welcome back.

Elaine at Lipstickdaily said...

Dude . . . just the thought of it . . . though believe it or not I bet it couldn't rival the smell of our 6 year old's sweet pink pinkies . . . even after the bath!

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

My method is to have 6 water polo players to get into a closed car on an 80 degree day. I'm sure my lungs are truly suffering.

zelzee said...

Brought back memories of the roller skating rink.......
I needed to sterilize my children after an afternoon there..........

Suzy said...

Yet one more reason I don't miss having had children. On my list that will be #957.

Not The Rockefellers said...

Yesss...The Grand Funk Torture not to be conused with The Grand Funk Railroad...no The Grand Funk Torture is some kind of horrible.

Fight on, VM!

Peace - Rene

Real Live Lesbian said...

Precisely why I don't play with boys.

They stink.

Gayle said...

Geez, you didn't go away and delete everything because the band concert comment offended someone, did you? Don't worry about offending people. The world is full of pansies that are too sensitive anyhow. These are your thoughts (and they are funny) so share away...they don't have to read them. And besides, anyone who has had to sit through a band concert KNOWS it would kill a terrorist! Glad to see you are back to being witty.

ms. changes pants while driving said...

hahahahahhahaaa!!

i love the picture of the baby smelling her feet.

why do teenager smell SO BAD??!!!

Captain Dumbass said...

I'm really looking forward to my boys getting to that stage.

Always Home and Uncool said...

Like nasal napalm.

A Woman Of No Importance said...

A good idea! Are you going into Counter Terrorism now, with all your experience of handling Teen Terrorists, VKMom?!

Love the Sassy/Bitchy picture - How did you get one of them to stand still long enough to capture that?

Love to you, dahlink - We love you, we missed you, we are sending you love and hugs through the Ethernet - I hope you feel the vibes and smell the *Vodka Rub* TM Fumes! xxx

Far Side of Fifty said...

Hope the worst is over soon..keep holding your nose..if it smells like shit..looks like shit..then it might be SHIT!
Great advice on Terrorist tactics..I am sure you would make a great advisor! :)

Smart Mouth Broad said...

EWWWWWW!

Roshni Mitra Chintalapati said...

you could just encourage them to fart.. often they wouldn't even need the encouragement!

Liza said...

OMG, I so know! My daughter's feet smell like the feet of a 40yr old truck driver when she takes her shoes off and didn't wear socks like we told her too a million times - yuck!

~Just me again~ said...

Hmmm...very effective I think.

Susan said...

Oh what a grody and wonderful idea. I'll loan my oldest to the cause...his shoes smell like cat piss. WTF?

Candy's daily Dandy said...

Bwahahahahahahahaha!

Crude chemical warefare indeed!!

SSQuo said...

Haha! And I suppose none of the kids felt the whiff of stink around them! :)

Girl Interrupted said...

And she's back ...

*big sigh of satisfaction*

Jordan said...

Glad to see you back! I assure you as Mother of 2 in service for our country..it just don't work. I know it works at home but somehow our Powers That Be just have a nose for politics....I don't know. Bless your heart...yes I am southern...you do deserve a day off.

3 Bay B Chicks said...

You're back! It has been such an emotional rollercoaster of a week with your blog.

Please don't do this to me again. I do not think that my fragile heart can take much more.

-Francesca

a mouthy irish woman? ridiculous! said...

get that lady some eye drops STAT!

Missy said...

Gag! LOL!

sophiellie said...

I am so glad you are back! I have two young girls and love reading about surviving with two older girls. Welcome back!

Robin said...

Hahahahaha! Even my sweet babies have stinky feet on hot days. You must REALLY love your job!

tera said...

Better yet, ship the shoes to me at work, then I'll wait until the hottest day of the summer when the rendering plant down the street starts up (no, I'm not kidding), THEN unbox the shoes and ship in the terrorists.
Can I just say there are days I hate my job...?

jill jill bo bill said...

I KNEW you were brilliant!!! You should be a teacher! Give up the lounge singing. You ARE a lounge singer, right?

Coffee with Cathy said...

Oh my gosh -- I'm so glad my computers were out and I couldn't check in on my blogging friends at the same time you were out of commission, too. That was too close! So sorry for the recent unpleasantness but glad to see that it hasn't gotten you down.

Counselormama said...

Yech! I think just sticking them in a classroom in the late afternoon on a hot day would do it to them!

Renée aka Mekhismom said...

I am sending you love honey and you are a damn good teacher. It is clear in all of your writing.

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