Reasons why Oprah will never invite me to Skype with her.
1. I’m a size 12. On a good day. And that’s after “freezing my *** off” on my deck in nothing but my nightie. Don’t they say when you are cold your body burns calories? Yeah, well, I’ll be outside losing a few pounds while you people google that interesting tidbit. (Call it one of my top ten tips from anorexics.)
2. I still have all my own real teeth. Well, except for those five crowns I have, but THREE of them are porcelain so they don’t count. Also, my veneers are practically my own teeth now that they’re 16 years old and see-through. (Maybe I could get a sponser to buy me some gorgeous white teeth. Hello, Crest? Colgate?)
3. I’m fifty years old. I’m a fifty-year-old mother of a middle school-er. Jesus, I wouldn’t even talk to myself if I weren’t myself. Wait, does that make sense?
4. I’m too busy yelling at my kids to have time to Skype with Oprah, anyway. “Yeah, Golden Boy, who’s that on the phone? Gayle? Oprah? Take a message, I’m busy screaming at your sister right now. And someone shut those barking dogs up.”
5. Since I managed to get myself in trouble at work I’ve worked very hard to become anonymous. So, unless she can put someone ELSE’S head on my body, and give me someone else’s body, and change my voice, and, oh, wait. I think I’ve got a great idea.
Someone get me the phone…