11/4/09

No Thanks, Oprah...I'm Too busy.


Reasons why Oprah will never invite me to Skype with her.

1. I’m a size 12. On a good day. And that’s after “freezing my *** off” on my deck in nothing but my nightie. Don’t they say when you are cold your body burns calories? Yeah, well, I’ll be outside losing a few pounds while you people google that interesting tidbit. (Call it one of my top ten tips from anorexics.)

2. I still have all my own real teeth. Well, except for those five crowns I have, but THREE of them are porcelain so they don’t count. Also, my veneers are practically my own teeth now that they’re 16 years old and see-through. (Maybe I could get a sponser to buy me some gorgeous white teeth. Hello, Crest? Colgate?)

3. I’m fifty years old. I’m a fifty-year-old mother of a middle school-er. Jesus, I wouldn’t even talk to myself if I weren’t myself. Wait, does that make sense?

4. I’m too busy yelling at my kids to have time to Skype with Oprah, anyway. “Yeah, Golden Boy, who’s that on the phone? Gayle? Oprah? Take a message, I’m busy screaming at your sister right now. And someone shut those barking dogs up.”

5. Since I managed to get myself in trouble at work I’ve worked very hard to become anonymous. So, unless she can put someone ELSE’S head on my body, and give me someone else’s body, and change my voice, and, oh, wait. I think I’ve got a great idea.



Someone get me the phone…




50 comments:

Jenny Brown said...

OMGosh.....too funny! You always keep me laughing! What a great post!!

Real Live Lesbian said...

She'd never have you on because you're funnier than she is. That's the REAL reason!

Secretia said...

Oprah doesn't have as many followers who like her as you do, VodkaMom!

Secretia

LPC said...

And the new head would solve the teeth problem! Genius!

Not The Rockefellers said...

Forget Oprah...there are enough of us to have our own damn show!
Could you imagine...how kick-ass would that be?

And I would Skype you, if I knew how in the hell to do that...

that sounds like a dental procedure
"Remember to schedule your bi-annual Skyping"

Peace ~ Rene

Chocolate Covered Daydreams said...

Rene said it! Who needs Oprah? Continue you to do you because the proof is that you are well liked by all!

Suzy said...

You know what your problem is? You THINK. Cut it out.

Sue said...

Oprah, oh please! I'll take Ellen any day, she makes me laugh my ass off. You need to hook up with Ellen, not Oprah. Actually, I have tickets this month to the Ellen show. I'm SO excited, even if its just for the Riff-Raff room. But hey, I still might get into the real show! Take care.

SkylersDad said...

I really need to Skype with Oprah, because I would pull some stunt like pan over to one of my dogs crapping in the yard and get kicked off or something.

staceyjwarner said...

Is Oprah still on? LOL!

much love

Connie K said...

Love your Blog !Just stopping by to say hello !

Fragrant Liar said...

I would totally Skype you. You're kinda Skypable, in a girl crush kind of way.

Love,
Fragrant Liar

Alex said...

Ha ha, I think Skype is ridiculous. Nobody cares what Mary in Florida thinks...I'd have my toddler go streaking during my Skype...or pooping...that would make good TV.

"Mummy, the poo is coming!"
"Not now dear, I'm talking to Oprah"

Stereos and Souffles said...

You're a teacher...she would love you!!

Stereos and Souffles said...

You're a teacher...she would love you!!

Steven Anthony said...

Operah would be crazy not to skype with you:) u r way cool and funny;)

Brian Miller said...

oh, maybe it will be one of the episodes where she gives cars away or...

IB said...

"I wouldn't even talk to myself if I weren't myself". It makes perfect sense and welcome to my world. Good fuckin luck.

Expat mum said...

Beware of when she gives away stuff - you have to pay tax on all of it. There was a woman on Chicago radio recently who had received $1000 in the pay-it-forward stunt from a few years ago. They had to give the money to someone else but they themselves were taxed on it. PLUS, the camcorders they were all given to record the events had to be given back!!

Maureen@IslandRoar said...

OH, she'll be callling you one day...mark my words!

Meridth Gimbel said...

Hee hee hee. You crack me up.

Jeanne said...

I'm not sure even Oprah picks up new fans as fast as you do....

Maggie said...

MAN! TOO DAMN FUNNY!!

Oh My Goddess said...

I'm too sexy for Oprah too.

Jenni Jiggety said...

Oprah doesn't know what she's missing!

for a different kind of girl said...

Oprah would disconnect any Skype connection with me as soon as she realized the conversation would be nothing but her trying to talk to me and me frantically/annoyingly pointing to the webcam and telling my kids "MOMMY IS ON THE FRICKIN' PHONE!!!"

Or something to that effect...

:)

The Peach Tart said...

We're all too something (old, fat, funny) for Oprah

otin said...

I think that I would be more suited for Jerry Springer! haha!

Ann On and On... said...

That's why I blog...because of people like you! Funny post.

Lynn said...

Pleeeeeeze go on Oprah!
And tell us when it will be on!
You make me laugh!
On my way outside naked.
Gonna get thin or dead.

Stacie said...

I will be a 50 year old mother of a middle schooler one day (late life surprise two years ago). You crack me up and I love to read your blog! What the heck is Skype? I keep hearing it but I have absolutely NO idea what it is. Maybe that's something better left unlearned << is that even a word?

plainolebob said...

VM,
I never heard bout burrin calories when you cold, but it helps you keep your teeth.
Man if I were fifty again, I'd keep my body and give my head to Oprah, she might just skype, with you then, tell her its a blogger award and pass it on to fifteen people, then yell at the kids,
Whats skypin? Anyway?

Conquer The Monkey said...

maybe you should have a competing show w/ the big O, then you wouldn't have to worry bout that crap and you could NOT have Oprah on YOUR show! :)

3 Men and a Lady said...

I'm impressed that you HAVE veneers, even if they are see through now. I'd love some, but sadly am too poor :-(

Crazy Charm said...

I have lumineers and I hate them. They're only 7 years old and transparent.

That will be my first big expenditure when I get a full time job :)

Bernie said...

I join the group who doesn't know what skyping is but it sounds dirty? Is it?

Forgive me--I am of the older generation so remember that!!!!!! Hot old, just older.

Bernie said...

I MADE A TYPO I meant "not" not "hot"

♥ Braja said...

I think Bernie had it right first time....hot and older. Like you. lol xo

Beth said...

Thank goodness for wireless internet because I can take my Google outside while I freeze off a few calories. Exactly how cold is cold anyways?

Complicated Mama said...

freezing in the cold makes you lose weight???

How did I miss that dieting tip?? I would have been going years coatless to get back into a size 6!

Frau said...

You make me laugh...Oprah not so funny!

The Good Cook said...

Skype is Oprah's answer to the economy.. instead of flying people in to talk to and having to pay airfare, hotel and expenses, she just calls you up.

You should SOOOO hold out for the real thing - the actual coach, the whole shebang.. that's what I'm doing anyway.

Just say NO to Skype.

CK Lunchbox said...

Don't feel bad... she won't Skype with me either. Not after that note I sent her using all the cut out letters for newspapers and magazines. Skype wasn't specifically mentioned, but you know, it's the spirit of the law, not the letter.

Carolyn...Online said...

Oprah hasn't tried to skype me at all. I'm not sure how I feel about her lack of interest in my life.

Keyona said...

We don't need Oprah, we have you!

The Journey of The Messenjah said...

hehehe.. Oprah is busy..
http://www.the-messenjah.blogspot.com/

just making my way said...

How much hate mail will I get if I say Oprah is overrated anyway?

Christine said...

Wait! I know what skype IS!! I am so excited. I don't know about anything techie but the guy I stalk hooked me up with it long ago when he thought I was the cats PJs. Problem with it is it takes TIME for me to look damn good and skype doesn't seem to work under that premise. The last thing I want to do is go on camera with bed head and mascara caked around my raccoon eyes.

madtexter (corey james) said...

Get Oprah on the phone. I wanna ask her if she'll pull Gayle's weave out - live on Skype.

And Oprah, we GET IT! You LOOOOOVE, LOVE, LOVE SKYPE!

(God help us if she discovers what an iPhone is.)

Gloria said...

Love your post, you make me ugh a lot!! Im 55 years and have twins of 15 yars ! (LOL)
And Im feel so nice ....still!!