Top five things I learned today while I was getting my @$$ kicked in k-town.
5. Don’t ask Jack about what he is eating in the middle of a read-aloud on the carpet. Well, unless you want to lose your appetite for the rest of your life. Then by all means, do it.
4. It takes about four hours to regain a tiny bit of your appetite after being totally grossed out about what boys on the carpet will put in their mouths.
3. If a five year-old boy sitting criss-cross applesauce on the carpet smiles and leans hard to the right while lifting his butt cheeks off the carpet, you might want to thrown on your gas mask. (I dare you not to laugh.) Oh, and prepare for a total loss of control of your class, your paraprofessional, your intern and YOUR OWN composure. (Lorne Michaels, I’m your new head writer.)
2. While you are now officially on the market and looking for the real love of your life, you may stumble upon a crazy spammer who is stalking you relentlessly in the hopes that he’s the one. Call me crazy, but telling me that you are going to boycott American Woman and calling me a whore might not be the best way to get my attention. (I’m going to VERY PICKY this time. If you don’t wear a stethoscope and respond to the words Code Blue, don’t come a callin’.)
1. When stopping at Wal-mart at 7:15 a.m on a Friday morning for markers, please check to be sure they are NOT the scented markers. Also, explain in your Friday newsletter why all the children came home with marker all over their noses. (“NO, we were NOT smelling the markers.” “Um, so why do you all look like Rudolph’s cousins on CRACK? HELLO? There’s no hiding the evidence on THIS one.)
Vodka. It’s not just for breakfast anymore.