12/9/11

This time I KNEW who had chili for dinner. (Capital P.U.)


Top five things I learned today while I was getting my @$$ kicked in k-town.



5.    Don’t ask Jack about what he is eating in the middle of a read-aloud on the carpet.  Well, unless you want to lose your appetite for the rest of your life.  Then by all means, do it.    


4.  It takes about four hours to regain a tiny bit of your appetite after being totally grossed out about what boys on the carpet will put in their mouths.  



3.  If a five year-old boy sitting criss-cross applesauce on the carpet smiles and leans hard to the right while lifting his butt cheeks off the carpet, you might want to thrown on your gas mask.  (I dare you not to laugh.)   Oh, and prepare for a total loss of control of your class, your paraprofessional, your intern and YOUR OWN composure.  (Lorne Michaels, I’m your new head writer.)



2.  While you are now officially on the market and looking for the real love of your life, you may stumble upon a crazy spammer who is stalking you relentlessly in the hopes that he’s the one.   Call me crazy, but telling me that you are going to boycott American Woman and calling me a whore might not be the best way to get my attention.  (I’m going to VERY PICKY this time.  If you don’t wear a stethoscope and respond to the words Code Blue, don’t come a callin’.)



1.  When stopping at Wal-mart at 7:15 a.m on a Friday morning for markers, please check to be sure they are NOT the scented markers.  Also, explain in your Friday newsletter why all the children came home with marker all over their noses.   (“NO, we were NOT smelling the markers.”    “Um, so why do you all look like Rudolph’s cousins on CRACK? HELLO?  There’s no hiding the evidence on THIS one.)








Vodka.  It’s not just for breakfast anymore. 


12 comments:

Susie Demke said...

Today I missed being in Kindergarten. Second time I've said this today (hmm.) Farts ARE funny. Period.
(But eating boogers is not.)

SkylersDad said...

I admit it has been almost 30 years since my dating days, but I am pretty sure I didn't lead with calling a girl a whore...

Run away my dear, run away.

Everyday Goddess said...

Q: what does "Boycott A.W." eat for lunch?

A: Spam (made by an non American woman of course.)

Vodka Mom said...

Just kidding about the doctor thing. They have no sense of humor and frankly, I need someone who makes me laugh. And is kind. And caring. And respectful. And has integrity.


That's all....

Mellodee said...

Someone who is gainfully (and securely) employed is another biggie!

As for your Boycott guy, I hope this doesn't break your heart, but he has shown up in other places with the same claptrap. So this nitwit belongs to us all. God help us! We can only pray that he boycotts American women...actually he could do us all a favor and boycott all women!

Joanne said...

Yea, that boycott boy was a surprise on another blog this morning. Glad you used the magic eraser. Thanks for sharing the kids.

Brian Miller said...

nice...wish my teacher let me sniff markers...i bet the markers would have saved you at the carpet today too...just saying...

Scope said...

That dude is making a second set of rounds, as far as I can tell.

What you need is a guy who owns his own septic tank business. Anyone who has a taker truck with the phrase "Yesterday's meals on wheels" painted on the side can help you laugh at anything.

noexcuses said...

What is it with farts? Mr. N.E. does the same thing, and he's an old guy! I have an excuse - no gall bladder. But I am a lady, and when I "fluff," I quickly walk away from the scene....unless I'm in an elevator...then I just die!

Love this post...thanks for starting my day off with a big smile!

G said...

I see that our resident spammer is back again making the rounds and being obnoxious.

You would think he would've given up by now after being rejected time and time again.

Lynn said...

Girl, What you need is a big dog or maybe two. No kidding.
I am just checking in on you today. ...getting my refill of kid antics!
Here's another one of my stories from 3rd grade, Austin: "Mrs. Guinn, from behind you look just like a kid, but from the front you look regular." Regular. humph.

The Book Snoop said...

Oh my.