Why can't bitchiness be my weakness? Or math? (Wait, math IS a weakness...)

“The thing is,” he whispered, “I’ve found your weakness.”

“What’s that?” I whispered back, smiling.  

“You fall in love.”    I stilled, and a chill ran down my spine.  

His voice sounded strangely sinister, and I caught my breath. That was the moment; the moment I realized that agreeing to a date after the incident might not have been the best idea. 

“You must have misunderstood my text!” he said earlier.  “I’ve been thinking of you.”  And because I wanted to THINK I had made a mistake, I allowed myself to take the rap.

“But it SOUNDED like a dump,” I insisted.  Of course it didn’t matter, because apparently I was wrong.  And because I am always willing to admit when I’m wrong, or at least bite the bullet if it smoothes things over, I swept it under the rug.

And then after a strange week of being manipulated, I realized this:   I’m going to try very, very hard never to fall in love again.  I don’t want to be controlled, pressured, or made to feel inadequate, weak or crazy.

Sweet Jesus in heaven isn’t there anyone out there who is slightly normal?  

Sure, I’ve got weaknesses; Bar-b-que chips, cheap shoes, vodka, the ocean, laughter, Stephen King and my kids.  But I never thought that my ability to love would be my greatest weakness of all.

Well, I’m going to try very hard to never, ever make that particular mistake again.   


Shannon said...

I think I might have missed a post as I'm lost with this one. Hope everything's ok!

Anne said...

So you thought he dumped you - then he called to un-dump you. You were cool with that, until there was more crazy talk, so you dumped him? MEN!

Anonymous said...

Oh Vodka, I am so sorry that some creepy guy made you hope to never fall in love again. You deserve to fall in love--Maybe you can just take it all the way down to slow motion level but don't let him take that from you. I have been reading your blog for years and I know that you are too cool and too loving to be without love or to not fall in love. Keep those crutches close if necessary but don't stop taking the risk. You are in my thoughts and meditations and I have to keep wishing you love in all of its forms. Men can be such ASSES.

Gigi said...

Oh sweetie - I am reminded of that old saying about having to go through a lot of frogs to find the prince.

I'm sorry this all shook out the way it did. Don't stop being open to love but maybe just wait and let it come to you.

ChiTown Girl said...

Yeah...what Sarah said....


Judi said...

I have great admiration for your candor, commitment to blogging and your cool sense of humor. (That was lame, I realize but I do think you have an awesome sense of humor and really wanted to continue the alliteration.) I don't want to offer any advice except for the hokey instruction to keep feeling your feelings. Can I share a quote? "Listen, I know how this is. You don't think you'll live past it. And you don't, really. The person you were is gone. But the half of you that's still alive wakes up one day and takes over again."
-- Barbara Kingsolver, Animal Dreams

Keep going. Your fan club obviously loves you. Please don't shut yourself off from your ability to fall in love with us.

Anonymous said...

You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find the prince.
But the key word is "frogs". Sometimes what you think is a frog is really a toad in a frog suit.

JustStormy said...

Consider your newest strength is identifying morons. He's one of them. The fact that you identified his tone as sinister and that you felt manipulated is warning enough. You deserve the best. Seriously. He's not it.

Japolina said...

Please delete him from your life. He's bad news. Keep looking honey. Hugs to you. Be glad you found out how crazy he is before you invested more time

Anonymous said...


Marissa said...

You will love again.

You will love your future grandchildren, future classes, future reasonably priced shoes (which allow you to adopt more pairs of shoes--why own one pair of $400 shoes when you can own 20 pairs of $20 shoes?), and best of all, you will (and I hope already do) love yourself.

I love my husband, but I also understand how my grandmother had a rich and fulfilling life after my grandfather passed away, without marrying again.

Love is not a weakness.

Running from it is.

Anonymous said...

When they start out too good to be true it's my opinion that they most likely are. He tried so hard in the beginning to be a prince too bad he turned out to be a frog.
Onward and upward, your prince is still out there and he's looking for you!

Anonymous said...

The ability to love is a strength and not a weakness. Anybody who thinks of it as a weakness is not sometody that is right for you!

Mocadeaux said...

So let me get this straight. First he says (the stupidest line ever), "It's not you it's me." Then he comes back and says actually that it is you - it's your fault because you fall in love?!?! No wonder the alarm bells went off in your head. I hope that once your heart heals, you will change your mind about being open to love. There IS someone out there who deserves you and will love and appreciate everything about you - including that you fall in love. You will find him.

Woman in Love said...

Am writing a piece on allowing the vulnerability of love so this pierced me. What is very weird is that I woke up thinking of your blog and knew I had to read it today. And hear I yam. Be brave.

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