6/10/09

Nifty Teacher Talents...


These are some cool hidden talents that I've developed after years of working with children.   Some are talents I never knew I had, and some are talents I never really wanted.

 

I can tell who had Mexican food for dinner after one quick walk through around the room.

 

I can quiet a room in three claps and three snaps.

 

I can tie ten pairs of shoes in less than two minutes-double knotted.

 

I can recall the first name of any previous student one minute into a conversation. (It takes tad bit longer if it’s during a Oregon State tailgating party at Smith Stadium.)

 

I can keep a straight face when Jack tells me the reason he is scratching is because his penis is stuck in his booty.

 

I can read the whole story that Claire wrote even though she used a few letters, some numbers, and a couple of Chinese symbols she learned from Hong-Bo.  (Pssst…it always helps to use the pictures to guide you.)

 

I can read aloud a picture book, reach into my pocket and hand a child a tissue for a large deposit while never missing a beat in the story. (That took some practice.)

 

I can fly across the room with a garbage can in less than 15 seconds without knocking over any kids. 

 

Put me in a room with 24 five-year-olds for 2 hours, and I can tell you who’s an only child. 

 

I can get permanent marker, glitter glue, paint and colored pencils off any table in the classroom.  (I know where the janitor hides the good stuff.)

 

I can put the teeny tiny arms and legs onto the lego-man’s body with one snap. I don’t even need my reading glasses for that.

 

I know who’s decided to “borrow” the lego-man for the night after one quick glance around the group that is  sitting criss-cross applesauce on the carpet.

 

I can swoop, make the pick-up, and swing around the child who’s ready to cry after her mommy left. Sometimes we even make it to the prize box. (Whoever said bribery doesn’t work has never worked with children.)

 

I can steer a conversation from animals to mammals to rabbits having babies to baby sisters to something not appropriate and back to animals smoother than any NASCAR driver out there.  (Let’s see Dale Earnhardt Junior do that!)

 

I can take a dead guinea pig to our resident guinea pig mother, replace it with one that looks NOTHING like the other one, and teach the children about guinea pig magic without skipping a beat.  (Her name is Mrs. Smythe- and she knows everything there is about guinea pigs! As far as the harsh realities of life- they have plenty of time to learn about that.)

 

 

82 comments:

Me, Amplified said...

*raises hand and blushes* i borrowed the lego man

Kylie w Warszawie said...

I can tell which 12 year old is lying by looking around the room. Does that count for anything?

only a movie said...

Awesome. xxoo

♥ Braja said...

I can tell when break time is comin' up and where the cafeteria is located even if I'm blindfolded and spun in circles....

CailinMarie said...

and every night on my knees I thank G-d for people like you!!!

Not The Rockefellers said...

You
Fookin'
Rock....
And you have amazing superhero abilities...
My secret move is the quiet coyote
put your middle finger and ring finger on your thumb and stick up your index finger and pinkie..

Shuts em up everytime!
Of course you have to make the "no shit" face when you are doing it..

Thanks for the sidebar love..
You know I love you, girl...

Peace - Rene

WeaselMomma said...

That is one helluva skill set! You Rock.

Magpie said...

Methinks most of these are transferable skills, too.

Beth said...

And these aren't the things you learn in college.

You are so educated now!

Mango Girl said...

Amazing skill sets...truly impressed!

I also love the "quiet coyote" thing from Not The Rockefellers

Jennifer Juniper said...

I can line my kids up and tell who's lying by asking them to speak one sentence (the one squinting his eyes is the winner).

Kat said...

I'll return the lego man in the morning, I promise!!

ChiTown Girl said...

I love this list, mostly cuz we share these amazing talents! ;-) Oh, and I can tell whose mama and/or daddy got high on the way to school because I can smell it on the babies! (That one actually just makes me sad...)

Jenni Jiggety said...

Me too! Me too!

Teachers rock. :-D

Frau said...

Teachers are gifts from god! It takes someone really special and with a high tolerance to alcohol to be a teacher. I agree with Jenni teachers rock!

Michele said...

I can tell which college freshman has waited until the last second to write a 12 pages report on any topic and where the shortest book for that is.

Gaston Studio said...

Them are some awesome super powers!!

laughingwolf said...

who knew is right ;)

Life As I Know It said...

Every year I am in awe of the amazing talents of my kids' teachers. ESPECIALLY the way they can quiet a room by clapping or snapping or turning out the lights...why doesn't that work at home?

Mrs. E said...

Aw...our Sainted Elementary School Teachers!!! What would we do without them? And even double the salary would not be near what you are worth! Thanks for making my morning!

mary said...

To you - and all your fellow teachers who read this - you are my heroes. I am in awe of your capacities to do this day after day and I thank God for you all.

lisa said...

Clap & snap. I have to try that. I usually just rope them up and hang them in the coat room.

Stacy Nyikos said...

Who better to write kid books than you?? You have the experience for a hundred thousand books :-)

Bobby G said...

Those skills are all very useful! Honestly I stole the lego man & had mexican food last night, BUSTED! lol

Joanie M said...

I bow to your greatness!

Ok, who, besides me, tried the quiet coyote?

Sprite's Keeper said...

Can I be in your class? Please?

Meandering Me said...

You ARE amazing. I barely have the patience to babysit my 8-year-old niece for an afternoon. Hahaha

Eluciq said...

kindergarten teacher...you gotta love them! this is my life too and i wouldn't change for the world!

what great list! i laughed and nodded all at the same time!

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

I think I can do most of this--I just need to get a job and prove it!

Empress Bee (of the High Sea) said...

well honey can you get some gum off my shoe?

smiles, bee
xoxoxoxoxoxoxxo

i stepped in it in the parking lot at the bi-lo yesterday... ps

Dawg said...

I can tell the diff between green, dark green, and the green that wasn't supposed to be used in the proposal because my fucktard designer waited until the last possible minute to finish it ....

Oh, OH, and put me in a room with 40 married women and I can tell you which ones will leave their men for other women! Now that's talent!

Char said...

They're all included in your job discription, aren't they? Kids are lucky to have you for a teacher!

Pastor Sharon said...

What an amazing teacher. . . It is you I prayed for, for the twelve years my son was in school! You rock!
Quick now, tell me, where do you hide your cape?

Real Live Lesbian said...

You *can not* tell who's an only child. There's no way to tell. Say there's not. Say it!

<---only child

SkylersDad said...

I can read rockin blogs like yours with a single click!

LPC said...

This might be my favorite post to date. Just reeks of authenticity. Thanks.

jb said...

I can steer a conversation from animals to mammals to rabbits having babies to baby sisters to something not appropriate and back to animals smoother than any NASCAR driver out there. (Let’s see Dale Earnhardt Junior do that!)

Vodka that was so funny I had to copy it into my comments so I can lolol as I type. God I love your blog and I wish you where my teacher when I was a kid.

Love Ya
JBxoxox

P.S.
Rene is awesome great pick.....

Dana's Brain said...

You are the best!! That was a laugh I needed this morning. I love "criss-cross applesauce" too - is that just a universal term they tell you about in teacher school or what?

Mommy of Many said...

Too Funny! As a mother I have developed some of the same talents!

Julia said...

and that is why your trophy awaits you at the pearly gates....you have been in children's ministry....and that's a very high calling....

Mac Callister said...

wow!!you are great!

The Mother said...

Teachers are, clearly, a breed apart.

Jade Bordeaux said...

Although I only became a follower because you wrote me a very rude comment to a blog post I had when I had just began blogging (and had n idea how to set up my blog properly) I have enjoyed reading your posts, ecspecially this one, and can honestly say that "maybe it is NOT the vodka" that makes you so hilarious.Whatever it is, keep it up!

Joanie said...

It were my child what swiped the Lego. Our collection looked thin.

Thank you,
DG

Yo is Me said...

do you have a cape and utility belt?

Alix said...

All hail Vodka Mom. I'd say I envy your awesome talents and skills and wish I had them too, but the part about working daily with 24 five year olds (some of whom are only children) was the deal breaker. You're a much much better woman than I. And never less than hilarious. Thanks for always making my day.

Amy said...

We are truly indebted to to you for all of your talents and hard work and patience and we wish nothing more than to reward you with gift cards and 3 week vacations in the Mediterranean.

Now, how can you tell my son is an only child?

Heidi said...

Being a nurse, I am also good at the garbage can thing,tissue thing, and I can also magically appear with an emesis basin just in time. Usually in time.

Mercy said...

Reminds me of the days when I did the same. Now that I'm a mother the skills come in handy, though I sometimes miss the "return them to their parents" part so I can have freetime.
I used to care for children at home, and I once had to dive across a bed to catch a baby who was about to throw himself off backwards. His father was standing there staring at me like "How did you do that?" Ha. Children give you lightening reflexes.

Cora said...

Ha ha ha! At my dad's birthday party last week my 5 year old nephew was upset we'd forgotten candles for the cake. It took me about 10 seconds to convince him the candles were actually invisible. And then I let him light the invisible candles with my invisible fire too. IT WAS HIS GREATEST DREAM COME TRUE - I LET HIM PLAY WITH FIRE! "REAL LIVE INVISIBLE FIRE!!!"

;-)

Cora said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Desert Songbird said...

I always suspected teachers were part magician.

This IS The Fun Part! said...

And VM scores another winner! This really is a great post! Sure hope you're feeling better. Looking forward to getting the "real" Vodka Mom back.

Can I help?

Grannie

Rachel Cotterill said...

That's great, I love it. Can I borrow your skills some time? :)

mo.stoneskin said...

Well my dad can tie one million shoes in 30 seconds.

Michel said...

holy shit! chris-cross applesauce! I LOVE THAT! I totally forgot about that.

I'm totally teaching that to the Sudanese govt.

Look for this on CNN. Mark my words.

Suzy said...

Yes but can you iron your clothes while you're wearing them?

Didn't think so.

The Demigod said...

You're like the new Robert Fulghum.

Roberta Martini: Everything I Needed to Know I Learned in the First Grade.

I would TOTALLY buy your book!

The Stiletto Mom said...

If you could bottle and sell that ability to quiet a room with three claps or three snaps, I'd buy it for sure. It truly is a magical talent only teachers possess!

Angie Ledbetter said...

You da teacher! (Having taught 10 precious SPED students for three years, I can tell you, either ya got it or ya don't. The skills you named can't really be taught. Kinda like real artistic ability.) :)

KMcJoseph said...

Oh yeah? Well I can tell when people are lying to me while I'm interviewing them after an incident.

You can't claim this ability because kids are ALWAYS lying.

Mary Freaking Poppins said...

Such an important job. Thank you for doing it well and for knowing what an important role you play.

A Lawyer Mom's Musings said...

Umm, we're in need of a substitute over here at . . . my house. How long can you stay?

Pak Ugeng said...

Alangkah senangnya apabila saya bisa seperti kamu.

Bee and Rose said...

You have some mad skills! You are a blessing to mankind!

Camilla Baker said...

Hi I love reading your blog and wanted to share the joy so I have given you an award. pop over to my blog to pick it up.
Thanks for the great read

Julie said...

You're way too talented for me. I'm not worthy!

(Finally getting caught up on my blog reading!)

Susan said...

You are an amazing person. But I'm grateful I do not have some of your talents. (smile)... smelling mexican lunch residue???

Dee-Zigns Handcrafted Jewelry said...

Wow, you are a super hero! What color is your cape? Pictures, please!

Madge said...

you are my super hero.

Ivanhoe said...

Hey! This would be great post for Thursday 13 if there still was one. Ooops, there're 16 fun facts. Wanna start Thursday 16? :o)

Awake In Rochester said...

Bet in a million year you never though you would learn all those things.

Hm, "I can quiet a room in three claps and three snaps." Good trick!

Eileen, Founder, Organizer, Mayor and Chief Cook And Bottle Washer of the Anger Management Girls. said...

My personal favorite...the only child one...... hysterical.

Marie Reed said...

Damn. I admit that I had a burrito last night with extra refried beans:) toot toot!

Marie Reed said...

Oohh! Is criss cross applesauce what they call Indian style niow? It's very PC but holy moly that's super catchy and cute too!

Stereos and Souffles said...

You had me at penis stuck in his booty...I must follow now. Funny stuff!

Midlife Jobhunter said...

HaHaHaHaHaHa! Now that is a list from a true Wonder Woman. Loved this post.

Kris said...

this is great!

Mrs. Fish: aka Two Fish said...

Ok, had hard time reading the rest since I was laughing so hard about you keeping a straight face about the penis in the booty! We moms and teachers sure are talented! Love it! Hysterical

SweetPeaSurry said...

That list is brilliant, and priceless!

Blessings!

A Woman Of No Importance said...

I am catching up, so sorry for my tardiness to class, Miss...

How is it that you can tell the only children out of your class? As an only child, I am intrigued to know.

And, as ever, I am enchanted by your blog and your writing, and you, Madame VKMom, thank you! xox

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