Wait, are those antlers REAL???

I’m proclaiming today “Random facts about Vodka” day. I give you a few tidbits about my crazy life. Buckle up people:

1. I took a cross-country trip from my home in Tiny Town, Pennsylvania to California (to live) several months after graduating from University of Smyhte at Smeethtown. I went with a girl from Australia and a redheaded fella from West Virginia that I met while working as a bartender at Ocean City, Maryland that summer. I STILL can’t believe my mother let me go, and if she were alive today I would drop to my knees and thank her for having the courage to let me go. (However, if Sassy were to say she wanted to go I might pack her bags myself.)

2. During said cross-country trip I won a beer chugging contest at a crowded bar on the levee in St. Louis. I ROCKED and we all drank for free that whole night. Needless to say, we had to make many stops the next day as I puked my way across several states.

3. I was a bartender in a, um, gentleman's club in San Diego for several months. I DID wear clothes (I was not as voluptuous as the waitresses’, but I had been a gymnast for TEN years, so I wasn't too shabby) and my roommate ended up making a BOATload of money whipped cream wrestling there once a week. (She was a bit crazy.) However, I did laugh hysterically at her the first time she went onstage wearing the deer antlers she found at the local Goodwill tied to her head. She fell flat on her a** and the antlers went flying. Jesus, I’m still laughing about that one.

4. When I lived in California I was invited to a lovely Christmas Dinner at the incredible home of a rich, well-to-do family who had befriended us. I decided to bring my Grandmother’s famous Christmas Bean Soup (a tradition of my mother’s large Slovak family…). I forgot how GASSY everyone would get after eating it. Needless to say, I have NEVER served that at a party since. NEVER!!!!!

5. Two summers ago I had a jewelry party at my house (against my better judgment) for a friend of mine. When the consultant was preparing her grand displays, my son proudly said to her, “My mother said that if she weren’t HOSTING this party, she would NEVER be going to it.” It appears he has inherited the foot-in-mouth gene from my side of the family.

6. When I was studying for my teaching degree at San Diego State, I did my student teaching at an elementary school in Solana Beach. One of the girls in my class was Angelah Colley- the daughter of John Ford Colley. Remember England Dan and John Ford Colley? That was cool. (She was a little doll.)

7. I went to law school for two years in San Diego before my mother died suddenly, which sent my into (I have finally realized) a breakdown. (My father died suddenly seven years earlier.) I decided I would probably die young, and didn’t want to spend my life listening to people’s problems. I went back to school and got my teaching degree. I have never, ever regretted it. Not really. Well, maybe the money thing. Maybe.

8. I know I told some of you this before, but it demands repeating. One day when I was teaching fifth grade, I wore pajamas to school. I thought they were classy daywear from V. Secret, but the girls kept saying, "Mrs. Smith, are you wearing pajamas?” When I got home I called my sister, who sent them to me, and she said, “Hell YES they’re pajamas!” So there. Dang.

9. I love my kids so much it hurts. Really.

10. I’ve written two children’s books. I’m determined to get them published, even if they DO stink. Good grief, I AM a teacher, don’t I have an INKLING what teachers and kids like? Just an inkling???

11. My favorite, favorite, favorite movies are Lord of the Rings; Bridget Jones Diaries; The Shawshank Redemption; Cold Mountain; Pride and Prejudice and Hellboy. I watch them every time they are on TV, and the girls make TOTAL fun of me. I don’t give a crap. (I love Hellboy’s line “How can we pick up anyone when we ride around in a GARBAGE truck?”).


I have more embarrassing and hysterical memories, but I don’t want to reveal my true self all at once.


Call it playing hard to get.